OC meetup with Sabrina Gibson
As you all know it is my passion and purpose to help you all have the “The Long Hot Marriage” I describe in my book. I saw that social networking is the new way to really get my message out to everyone. I found Sabrina Gibson and joined her 7 Strategies to Social Networking class online. She is an extremely successful marketing and social networking genius. She put together what she calls a “meet-up” of all the members of her class. I was amazed at the amount of people that went and the diversity of their jobs. I met a publicist for Farrah Fawcett, other psychologists, business leaders, everyone that you can imagine. All with one purpose- using social media, such as twitter, facebook, Linkedin, and blogs to get the word out about their passions and messages.
I was proud to say that I ran into some people that recognized me and my book “The Long Hot Marriage” and as they said it “revived their dead relationship”. It was fulfilling to see that my book and message both touched their lives and made such an impact on their marriage. Just a personal note, the gratification I get when someone is touched by reading one of my articles, books, or hears my message from a keynote speech, actually brings tears to my eyes, and It is a feeling that I could live on forever. One of my fellow classmates, Judy Finneran gave me a testimonial of what I was able to bring to her by our meeting together. What are you waiting for- Take your partner in your arms and tell him or her that you are going to have a better relationship right NOW. They want what you want, believe it; one of you just has to say it. I know it’s true, 27 years of experience with couples, we’re all the same. Live your dream relationship. Its right in front of you!
Are You Ready for An Interpersonal Safari?
Committed relationships are challenging. Most of our challenging endeavors require a mentor, role model or teacher. For example, if you want to become a good pianist, you need to take lessons and practice; the same goes if you want to be an excellent skiier, doctor, etc. Being a great marital partner is AT LEAST as challenging as the other skills I mentioned. And yet- our role models/teachers are our parents/grandparents/ancestors. And if you’re like most of us- that is a scary thought. So what is the answer? Do we plod along and make the same mistakes our ancestors did and then conclude that marriage doesn’t work, or marriage is the end of sexuality, blah, blah, blah? I say NO! Learn something new, do new things, say new things, even think new things about yourself, your partner and your relationship. And that is where I come in- Yes, I am your tour guide and you can allow me to take you on an interpersonal safari. What is great about safaris is that you never know what is around the next bend or even just up a little ahead on the road you are on. It is an adventure and an exciting one at that! And to boast a little bit – I am one heck of an interpersonal tour guide. I have become quite proficient at motivating people to jump into the unknown; to go into those slightly uncomfortable areas that are necessary for positive changes to happen between partners. And I promise I will methaphorically hold your hand the whole way if you need it.
Why do you need me? Because you won’t jump into those necessary unknown places without me (or someone who does what I do). You will try but you will end up right back where you started- thinking, saying and doing the same things. As a tour guide, one of my jobs is to help you develop the right mindset, one that enables you to enjoy the interpersonal safari as much as possible. I will help you be courageous and shed the self protective mechanisms that keep you shrouded in the “same old thing”. Once you begin removing the self protective mechanisms with my assistance and your willingness, miracles of the interpersonal variety can begin to happen. Your relationship problems are NOT proof that you or your partner are a failure; quite the contrary. Your relationship problems are gifts; that’s right, gifts that will help you launch into discovering new aspects of yourself and your partner. Don’t believe me?- try me out and see what happens.
I do therapy in my office which is an effective and traditional way of helping couples. In addition, I do therapy by phone for those that are not geographically near Orange County, CA. I do teleseminars; some free and some for fee. I plan on doing a live couples event in the beginning of the new year 2010 and several after that in 2010. I work with individuals as well so that they can develop better relationships with themselves and ultimately others.
I have also written a book titled “The Long, Hot Marriage,” highly endorsed and praised by very successful authors and experts in the fields of marriage and sexuality. The book gets right to the point, opening your mind to new ways of being a partner. It is filled with exercises that when applied will help you feel the positive changes.
I love what I do and I have a powerful message for people. We can be far more interpersonally creative. Marriage can work wonderfully, but it takes us being more conscious and mature than our ancestors. Let me guide you and show you how.
Check out my website at www.toddcreager.com and sign up for my free newsletter. It is a great way to get started on the road to healthier, happier and more passionate relationships.
Dealing with Internet Porn
Last in the series of most asked questions (with answers)
Q: My partner is addicted to internet porn. How should I deal with this?
A: There are many resources for dealing with this common problem. There are specialists in this area and the understanding of this problem continues to increase as well as improved treatment. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to do, do not take it personally. Your partner’s behavior is not a reflection on you or how attractive you are. If he is doing internet porn instead of spending time with you sexually, he is not doing the adult kinds of risking vulnerability and connecting with you emotionally. People that do internet porn enter a trancelike state that takes them away from everyday challenges and gives them a chance to experience their sexuality in a regressed, childlike way. It often is used for stress relief as well. Do your best to not be judgmental, but at the same time tell him that he needs help with this problem because you want to be with a partner who deals with feelings and problems in healthier ways.
I have helped many individuals and couples who are epxeriencing challenges with internet porn. There are also other therapists who specialize in sex addiction. Feel free to call me if you or someone you know is experiencing this in their relationship and would like some help.
Will My Partner Ever Grow Up?
This is another one of my series of the most asked questions (with answers) that I have been blogging about. I go into greater detail about the subject of this particular entryin my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage.” You can learn about and purchase the book on my website- www.toddcreager.com or at www.thelonghotmarriage.com.
Q: I feel like I have a child for a partner. Can he ever grow up?
A: Probably he can. And there are probably some things you can do to accelerate that process. There are people who have major personality disorders and other mental health issues. However, all couples slip into what I call a Parent/Child pattern where one partner feels more like the parent managing a child and the other feels like he (or she) is being controlled or judged by a parent. Since this seems to happen to all couples, the couples that have the most satisfying relationships are those that become aware of this dynamic and consciously begin to change it. The first thing for you to do is look at how you communicate verbally as well as non-verbally to your partner. Are you speaking like the one who knows better or is the authority figure? If you are doing this, know that you are evoking in your partner more of the child. Instead, try to speak from a place of vulnerability. For example, don’t say- “I can’t believe you just plopped yourself down and began watching TV. What am I your servant?” Instead, you can say “I know you want to watch TV, but you know what would make me feel less overwhelmed and very grateful- if you could help me out here. That would be just terrific.” With the second way of communicating, you have probably not evoked the “child” but rather the part of him that wants to be helpful and appreciated.
Of course, your partner needs to be aware of how he slips into the child as well. (Either gender can slip into either role, even though within one relationship, one partner will more often slip into the parent role and the other will more often slip into the child role). He needs to consciously pull himself out of that role and see you as a person who needs him rather than someone who will boss him around. Be vigilant about this. It is easy to slip back onto old, familiar roles that do not work.
Can We Ever Feel Close Again?
Q: It has been so long since I have felt close to my partner. Is there any chance we can feel close again?
A: Unless your partner has grieved the relationship and emotionally moved on, it is very possible to feel close again. Couples get locked into emotional dances that often distance the couple from each other. I would suggest that you get curious about your partner and ask some open ended questions. Don’t think you know your partner very well. In fact, if you don’t feel close, you probably have a lot to learn about your partner. If your partner refuses to talk, don’t just give up. He may be very awkward with becoming vulnerable. Acknowledge to him how difficult it is. If he is so shut down that he will not participate no matter how patient and kind you are, a good “couples” therapist may be in order so that his fears can be addressed. If he has been withdrawn for a while, ask him what he is protecting himself from. The first step is to create a safe environment where both partners can risk opening up again. Don’t take his withdrawal personally, no matter how hard that may be. His self-protective mechanism is just that- self protective, not meant to make you miserable, even though that may be exactly how you feel.
Also, look within yourself and see what you are protecting yourself from by keeping the relationship as distant as it is. Healthy relationships are not for the feint of heart. They require courage and you need to make your relationship an interpersonal adventure. Ask yourself- am I holding back physically? Am I willing to stretch a little and meet his physical needs if that has not happened in a while? How can I open up more to my partner?
There is NO PLEASING MY PARTNER! Myth or Reality?
Here is another question in the series of most asked questions also with an answer (of course).
Q: I feel like no matter what I do for my spouse, it is not enough. Is there any way to please my partner?
A: Almost always, yes. You may be doing a lot for your partner, but it is not the one or two things you need to do that will highly impact your partner. Typically, people give in the areas that they are strong. The key is to discover what it is that will truly raise the emotional energy of your partner. The catch is that it often takes what I call, “Giving from your weakest link’” that gets the job done. In other words, in order to be what I call a high impact partner, you need to give in areas that are less developed in yourself. For example, if you are great at providing, fixing, giving advice and even cooking and washing the dishes, but what your partner really needs is for you to be interested in what she is feeling, you may be relatively inept in the world of feelings. The good news is that you never have to become an expert in your weak areas. Getting a little better can go along way in having a huge positive effect on your partner .
I expand in this concept as well as others in my book. “The Long, Hot Marriage,” a book highly praised by some of the most well known relationship and sex therapy experts. Check it out at www.thelonghotmarriage.com.
Roommates and Lovers-Dealing with Low Sexual Desire
Question 3 in a series of some of the most asked questions (with answers) that I have received in my years of practice:
Q: My partner used to desire me sexually, but lately he treats me like a roommate and has said he has lost his sexual desire. Is there anything that can be done about that or is our sex life over?
A: Since this question is being asked regarding a male losing his desire, I will first answer it from this gender perspective. Then I will answer it if it is a woman who lost her desire.
The first thing that needs to be done here is to get a good assessment of the possible factors that are contributing to his lowered libido. Often a sex therapist or doctor is helpful in these situations. Physical and medical reasons cannot be overlooked. For example, many medications such as antidepressants and medication for high blood pressure have sexual side effects. If the lowered libido coincides with the time he has started medications, there is a good possibility that this is the problem. Other physical factors include chronic illness and lowered testosterone. Testosterone levels for men can be checked by a simple blood test. There can be psychological reasons such as situational stress, life transitions that raise anxiety, and even sexual performance fears that lead to sex avoidance. Lastly, there are relationship factors such as built up resentment, ongoing power struggles, something in the current relationship evoking some past trauma and lack of trust. It is not uncommon for there to be multiple factors contributing to lowered sexual desire. There is treatment for all of these factors and often other aspects of the relationship can improve as well by working with the underlying causes of the sexual problem.
If it is the woman who is experiencing lowered libido, it could be any of the factors above. Women are typically more affected by hormonal fluctuations and hormone level must be paid attention to in the treatment of lowered libido in females. However, the most common reason for lower sexual desire in women is a lack of emotional connection with one’s partner. Educating the male in how to share as well as listen to feelings (as uncomfortable as that may be for many men) is often a pre-requisite for a reemergence of healthy desire in the female partner. Emotional nourishment is necessary for many women to desire their mate.
Can We Ever Stop Fighting?
This is the 2nd question of the common questions I get from the couples I help. The first question with an answer can be read in my post of August 27th.
Q: We fight all the time; can we ever learn to stop fighting?
A: When couples are constantly fighting, it is because both people are continually reacting in ways that push the raw buttons of the partner and for sure-there is no listening going on. Either partner can begin to interrupt that behavior by
1) Noticing what makes him react as well as his partner.
2) Developing the emotional muscle it takes to listen to one’s partner even if the first impulse is to do a fight or fight behavior.
When partners listen to each other, there is no need for fighting. Fighting can be thought of as an inept way of trying to be heard or regaining some sense of power. Listening takes care of both of these needs. When you are experiencing your partner listening, you would never raise your voice since you are already being heard. Also, being heard will naturally and healthily give you a sense of power; the power of feeling that you matter.
Falling Back in Love With Your Partner
Over the course of the next 2 weeks, I will write down some of the more common questions I have been asked and give you my answers. If you want to learn more about how to have a passionate marriage, check out my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage” on my website-www.toddcreager.com. Also, feel free to make comments on this blog.
Q: If I am not in love with my partner, is it possible to ever get those feelings back?
A: If you have ever been in love with your partner, you can be in love again. The problem is that as relationships continue, pain emerges such as hurt, disappointment, fear and anger. Often the couple starts to emotionally disconnect at this point because we have few if any good role models in how to stay connected even when feeling these unpleasant feelings towards our partner. As you learn how to develop the “emotional muscle to reconnect with your partner, even through pain, your “in love” feelings may reemerge just as spontaneously as they left. It is difficult to imagine this when you are basing your future on your history. With new patterns of connecting, it is possible to fall back in love.
The Amazing Benefits of Feeling Your Feelings
Many of our health, interpersonal and other life problems are because of one thing- an unwillingness to experience what one is feeling. We tend to want to control how we feel and we often want to present ourselves to others like we are in control. The paradox I will attempt to convince you of is that the more you try to control your feelings, the more out of control you are Likewise, the more you allow yourself to experience whatever you are feeling without trying to change or control it, the more in control you are.
A little personal story:
I turned 50 last year and decided to not procrastinate and get my colon tested. (A little public service announcement- if you are 50 or over and have not had a colonoscopy, please do it. In my case, they found a precancerous polyp and removed it. This is very common and if it is found in time, you will not get colon cancer). Back to my story- They got me all ready for the procedure, hooked me up to an IV and set up the blood pressure and heart monitor and I had to wait until it was my turn. Even though intellectually I knew this was going to be a painless procedure, I must have been nervous because I could hear my heart beating though their monitoring system and it was beating fast. I tried doing all my ticks to relax and the best I could do is slow down my heartbeat for a few seconds, but then it would go right back up. After about 40 minutes of waiting and hearing my fast heartbeat, I said to myself- “You know, let’s face it- I am just scared. For the first time since they hooked me up, I stopped trying to change how I felt and just let me experience my fear. An interesting thing happened, my heartbeat SIGNIFICANTLY slowed down. By the time they came in to drug me for the procedure, my heart rate was about at the resting rate.
From my story, you could see how experiencing your feelings no matter how unpleasant can decrease your stress. As soon as I stopped trying to control how I felt, I was more in control. Allow yourself to have and experience your feelings and sensations.
Relationships
As I write about a lot in my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” most if not all relationship problems come from being disconnected. When you flip on a light switch, you are completing an electric current which then lights up the room. Likewise, when you complete an energy current with your partner, you light up the relationship. The problem is, we often break contact with our partner when either one of us feels negative feelings. We usually do some sort of fight or flight reaction and the reason we do that is because we do not like how we are feeling and we try to change how we are feeling.
If you were to practice feeling your feelings more, you would decrease your reactivity. Developing this habit leads to more effective listening and ultimately to both people feeling closer to each other.
Increased Success in Other Areas of Life
When you put your attention on your body and what you are feeling as opposed to your active mind or superficial self protective reactions, you become more open- more open to people and life in general. People pick up on this non-defensive “vibe” and you become instantly more attractive. Who knows what this increased attractiveness can lead to- a promotion, a new opportunity or possibly other doors opening up in some seemingly miraculous way.
You may think I am overstating these benefits, but experiment yourself. For this moment, give up trying to control or change how you feel and instead feel how you feel. LET YOURSELF JUST BE AND FEEL AS YOU ARE. Notice if you feel better or worse from this conscious action. Experiment with your partner and see how he or she responds to you being more open and vulnerable and less defensive. Notice any other changes that happen in your life. Feel free to e-mail me your feedback on this article or on any life improvements from applying what this article is suggesting. Take good care.
Could You Help Out a Marriage/Sex Therapist?
I am always wanting to improve ways of having a positive impact on people in their relationships at home and at work. I am looking for input from you and if you could answer one or more of the following questions, I would be very grateful.
Question 1:
Part 1: What do you think is the biggest challenge for your partner to understand you better? Part 2: What do you think you can do better or differently so that it would be easier for your partner to understand you better.
Question 2: For the (courageous) women- What is the single most important thing a male partner could do to enhance your sexual experience? ( The answer to this question may or may not be directly about sex).
For the (courageous) men- What is the single most important thing a female partner could do to enhance your sexual experience? (The answer to this question may or may not be directly about sex; even though it probably is)
Question 3:
If you have been to marriage therapy before- what do you believe was missing or could have been better to be more helpful?
Question 4:
If I were to write a sequel to my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” (see www.thelonghotmarriage.com– shameless plug), what would you want the title of it to be so that it would be of most help to your relationship and other couples you know?
Tips to Maintaining a Healthy Intimate Relationship
Passionate marriages do not just happen. They have to be created. Our forefathers and fore mothers did not teach us how to have alive, passionate relationships with our spouses. This is new territory and we have to be trailblazers creating new patterns in relationships that set the stage for greater desire and increased connection. Here are seven bullet statements of what it takes to create such a relationship.
1) You need to see your partner in the best possible light. He or she even at their worst moments are not intentionally trying to hurt you, but rather trying to protect him or herself from some real or imagined threat.
2) Learn how to deal with pain as a team. Develop the muscle to listen to your partner on a consistent basis even if what she says evokes discomfort in you.
3) Create a lifestyle that allows for a minimum of 10 minutes a day of intimate time, more specifically- time when you can look at each other, share FEELINGS, DESIRES, DREAMS AMD OTHER DEEP STUFF (as opposed to facts , small talk), loving touch without the goal of intercourse (Intercourse is absolutely fine.; it is just not part of these 10 minutes). This 10 minute a day rule is so crucial and yet it is where most couples resist and fail and wonder why they cannot have the relationship they want with their partner.
4) If you are a giving type person, work on your ability to receive, if you are a taking type person, work on your ability to be thoughtful and giving to your mate. Receiving involves allowing yourself to be given love, compliments, kind words, soft touch, etc. Giving includes asking yourself, “How can I nourish my partner?”
5) Risk! Do something different. Say something different. Think something different. If you have never written a love poem, go write a sincerely felt, badly written love poem. If you are not very expressive, express to your partner how much she means to you and how much you appreciate her. If you are sexually inhibited, do something sexually that is outside your comfort zone- not necessarily too outside your comfort zone- but a little outside your comfort zone.
6) Risk again! And again! You can rest in between risks. Think about it. When you first met your partner, everything was a risk and felt like a risk. That was probably when libido was very high. Why do you think having a safe and routine relationship would give you the same results as “the good old days?” The only way to get those feelings back from the good old days is to create a more adventurous risk-taking environment which would more closely resemble those exciting early days of your relationship.
7) Do not wait for your partner to initiate anything. YOU need to be the courageous one. That will unbalance the relationship and ultimately you will be pulling your partner right out of her comfort zone as well. It takes two to tango, but it takes just one to get things going.
There is a great book written on this subject; it goes straight to the point, been highly endorsed and has helped hundreds of couples already. It is called, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” and was written by yours truly. Go to my website- www.toddcreager.com or www.thelonghotmarriage.com and check it out. Better yet, buy it! You’ll be glad you did.
How to Have the Best Sex Ever in Your Marriage
If your sex life is in the duldrums, there are usually things YOU can do to revive it. It involves foreplay, no waiting is required and you may get instant results. And if you don’t get instant results, it may just take some persistence.
Here’s the catch!
You have to do something different. You have to be a pioneer, experimenting with new behaviors, new words and even new ways of thinking about yourself and your spouse/partner. Many people call this being a spiritual warrior. It is getting out of your comfort zone, showing some guts and courage and connecting in some new way with your partner.
Foreplay takes place in and out of the bedroom. Starting with outside the bedroom here are some things you can do; (some of these may apply more to you than others).
For men:
1) Listen to your partner. Be curious and interested; if you’re not interested in what she is experiencing, get interested. This is an essential step; find a husband that is not doing this and I’ll find you a husband who is probably not happy with his marital sex life.
2) See your wife as a person who needs you; not a person who is trying to control you or nag you.
3) Do something romantic once a week or more.
4) Put on some music at home and dance with her.
For women:
1) Remember he is not a female and may be somewhat clueless when it comes to that feelings thing, espressing his own or listening to yours. Commend him on any effort he does in this direction and give him points for that.
2) Think of him as a loving person who may not have had the best role modeling in loving a wife especially when she is upset about something.
3) He is proabably very visual so you may want to dress sexy at times.
4) Acknowledge him for the ways he shows his love to you.
Now for foreplay in the bedroom:
Men-
1) Slow down! Good sex is usally slow sex. Don’t rush to orgasm. Start with slow touch, soft caresses. There is time later for more intense kinds of touching and rubbing.
2) Have in mind that you will open her up with your love towards her. Be fully emotionally present. Decide that with every touch, she will feel cherished.
3) Sex is not a performance. Try new things; don’t worry about doing things well. Be a pioneer in the bedroom. If it is not pleasing to your mate, learn from it and adjust.
4) Strike a balnce between giving and receiving pleasure.
For women:
1) Slow down and allow yourself the pleasure of sex. Let your to do list stop and be receptive to your partner’s sexual advances.
2) Like the man, strike a balance between giving and receiving pleasure.
3) Be open to new ways of touching, rubbing, kissing as well as new positions.
4) Have fun teasing where the goal is to titillate until both give in to the sexual ecstacy.
5) Allow yourself to feel loved by your man.
I am sure I will do more blogging about this topic in the future. This blog is just scratching the surface. Feel free to ask me any questions you have or make comments.
There is a great book written on this subject; it goes straight to the point, been highly endorsed and has helped hundreds of couples already. It is called, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” and was written by yours truly. Go to my website- www.toddcreager.com or www.thelonghotmarriage.com and check it out. Better yet, buy it! You’ll be glad you did.
HOW TO COPARENT EFFECTIVELY AND STILL LIKE YOUR PARTNER
This article on healthy co-parenting will hopefully get you thinking about your own situation or if you are not in co-parenting situation, you could pass this article on to someone who is. It is nearly impossible to have a thriving marital relationship when children are out of control or there is constant chaos. And one way to ensure that there is constant chaos is to present a divided front to the kids. Children are excellent at the “Divide and Conquer” strategy and we have to take our hats off to them because there job is to get there way. We should never blame the children for being out of control, disrespectful, lazy, etc. Children do not continue behavior where there is not a benefit. The best way to have a family where there is respect and some kind of order is to have a hierarchy where the parents are presenting a united front and are the “bosses” and the children, though honored and listened to, are the rule followers. In this kind of family, there are no continued benefits for children who are not being cooperative and respectful. And it is important to note that feeling power counts as a benefit. Kids feel power when they have divided the parents whether they eventually get their way or not.
OBSTACLES TO STAYING UNITED AS PARENTS
1) You have different ideas about what is important and worth being firm about. For example- she requires the house to be neat and you have a higher tolerance for mess. Also, your partner is more or less easy going than you about other things as well including time, getting tasks done, chores, homework, etc.
2) You are already resentful or unhappy with your spouse about other issues. Believe me- whether you are aware of it or not, the unresolved issues you have with your spouse will get in the way of you being a united front with her as you deal with the children.
3) One of you likes to “keep the peace” and stays allied with the kids to avoid conflict. (even though this never ultimately works)
4) One of you has partially or totally abdicated your parental role and lets the other “do the dirty work.”
SOLUTIONS TO OBSTACLES (Each solution corresponds with the number of the obstacle)
My disclaimer here is that the solutions that follow this paragraph are not always easy to implement. We have our own internal resistance to change and our partner and children do not always make it very easy for this change to occur. Just keep in mind that you ARE capable of being a more effective co-parent and that it often takes at least 6 exposures to new behaviors before you see a change in the family system. Don’t be discouraged if your attempts don’t give the results you want right away.
1) Discuss with your partner those potential areas of conflict. Respect her (or his) differences and strive to reach a workable compromise if need be. If you expect to have it totally your way, you are asking your partner to basically be invisible. In order to be united, both parents need to feel that who they are and what their preferences happen to be are considered. Both people need to feel significant. I like to say that each parent brings their own brand of wisdom. Be careful not to overvalue your own brand of parental wisdom and devalue your partner’s.
2) Be very conscious to separate out your marital issues with your parenting decisions. Having a united front is what is best for the children. If you need to, see a therapist to work out your issues. Read my book coming out very shortly, “The Long, Hot Marriage” (OK- so there is a little shameless marketing) to learn how to connect with your partner through thick and thin, pain and pleasure.
3) If you are trying to keep the peace, know that it is only a very temporary peace if that. The only way to have real peace is to have some structure and order in the house. Children need to know what the rules are. Their “job” is to test the rules; your “job” is to lovingly and calmly set the rules, enforce the rules, show appreciation when they make good choices and love them no matter what. One of the most important lessons children can learn is the benefit of making good choices. If you are not setting up limits and consequences, how are you preparing your children for the “real world” where people are naturally rewarded for good choices and ultimately pay a price for poor choices? Find out from your partner what his ideas are about what choices he wants to encourage your children to make. If there are disagreements between the two of you, reread # 1 above and ultimately write down the agreed upon rules of the house and the rewards and consequences of the choices they can make. Put it on the refrigerator for all family members to see.
4) The person who has abdicated his or her role as parent and is basically emotionally absent needs to understand where he learned this behavior. Usually, he had at least one parent who remained aloof from the day to day challenges. If you came from a family where one or both of your parents were uninvolved, decide to change the script. You were harmed by your parent’s lack of involvement and you have the power to choose something different for your child. And let me repeat myself and be clear- if you are an uninvolved parent- you are harming your child, no doubt about it. Your child needs your involvement so that he or she grows up healthier than you did. Also, your partner needs you to be more involved for her sake as well. As long as there are two parents alive and well, both parents’ involvement is necessary. That does not mean that each person has to be equally involved in the lives of the children, but both should be involved in giving attention, in the disciplining and in the major decisions.
Creating a united front takes work because you both are different people. I suggest strongly that you make healthy co-parenting a priority. The key is to become aware of your differences, find ways to compromise and develop the policies I talked about above. As you deal with this potential “landmine” more effectively, it frees you up to have the more satisfying relationship that you would like.
Healing from Infidelity
I am not a fan of infidelity. It is extremely painful for the betrayed partner and it is (at least eventually) not much fun for the unfaithful partner either. It wreaks havoc on the emotional lives of the children as well as extended family members. Having written that, I am in the business of helping couples thrive.
Over and over again, I have seen couples healing from infidelity and creating a relationship with their spouse that is FAR BETTER than the relationship was before the affair.
The unfaithful partner is unfaithful as an attempt to solve a psychological problem. (I am using male gender for simplicity) It may be a way to affirm himself because he feels unsuccessful or inadequate with his family. It may be a way to act out his suppressed anger and “punish” his wife. It may be a way to sabotage the relationship because deep down inside he is petrified of abandonment so he has not made a full emotional commitment to his wife. The decision to have an extramarital relationship is often made to solve one of these problems or a myriad of others.
The work they do with me and at home by themselves is to find more mature and creative ways to solve these emotional problems. The partners learn that working within the marital relationship does not always give immediate gratification but that in the long term, the solutions they create together are far more satisfying and meaningful than the past destructive attempts to solve these kinds of problems. Of course it takes both partners being willing to understand what the purpose of the affair was and what changes EACH person needs to do to create something different.
The betrayed spouse needs time to forgive the cheating spouse. The unfaithful partner who now is in marriage therapy and wants to improve has to be extremely understanding and patient and not expect instant trust. The betrayed partner has to develop a deeper understanding of the purpose the affair had for the unfaithful spouse. Of course, she will still feel betrayed, angry and hurt, but she gets to view the affair from a wider psychological lens. This perspective allows healing and regeneration to occur.
I am truly inspired by the couples I work with who heal from infidelity and begin experiencing the kind of connection that they never really had before.
Creating Intensity to Revive a Marriage-Part 2
Ways to Increase Emotional Intensity With Your Partner
(I am speaking more to males but this applies to females almost as much)
1) Look deeply into your partner’s eyes and perceive her (or him) as someone who can truly benefit from receiving your love.
2) Ask your partner to express some difficult-to-express pain with the intention of relaxing your own body so that you just receive her pain without closing up. (Tough one especially for men but a necessary step to increase intensity to revive a marriage)
3) After she expresses herself, keep looking into her eyes as compassionately as possible and let her know you are taking in what she is expressing to you.
4) Take time daily to slow down with your partner and share meaningful feelings and thoughts with each other.
5) In the bedroom, touch her, but do it slowly, as if she will absolutely know how much you cherish her through your caressing.
6) Hug her a little longer then usual; kiss her a little longer than usual. Go past the point that is comfortable for you.
7) Whether your partner expresses her “wildness” through pain or pleasure, look at is as an opportunity to stay in rapport with her. DON’T TELL HER TO CALM DOWN. Stay with her. Her energy will not destroy you.
With your eyes, words and touch, you can have a major positive impact on your partner. It is difficult for us because we unconsciously underestimate our own power to love our partner. The other reason is we are usually stuck in our own need to feel loved and approved by her and react when we feel as if “we are not measuring up in her eyes.” Love your partner fully, create some emotional intensity and let her respond to you. Never wait for your partner to make something happen. Do it yourself. It is a much more satisfying way to live. Experiment with these ideas and behaviors and see if your relationship gets better or worse. I’m guessing it gets better!
(Sometimes this is difficult to do in the beginning without a skilled third party person such as myself as a guide. Feel free to contact me if you want me to help).
Creating Intensity to Revive a Marriage- Part 1
Marriage and long term intimate relationships can be passionate, juicy and alive. If you don’t believe that, you are not alone. About 15 months ago, when I told my brother the title of my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” he asked if the book started with the words, “Once upon a time!” Funny, yes, but also it is an example of how the majority of people have come to believe about marriage and sex. One person was actually somewhat offended by the title of my book saying that I was perpetuating a lie on a vulnerable public!
The problem is we are all copy cats. We do what we have seen and heard throughout our lives. If we have not witnessed our parents having a “juicy” relationship, unless we consciously make new choices, we will create the same thing. What else are we going to do? And then, we believe that our self- created reality is the only reality. It’s not. If you think, do and say new thoughts, behaviors and/or words, anything is possible. The problem is that if we live life “on automatic”, we will think similar thoughts, do similar actions and say similar words as our ancestors when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
How many of us have seen one parent look lovingly into the other parent’s eyes and maintain the gaze for a period of time- and do it consistently, not just at their silver anniversary party? How many of us have seen one parent say to the other- “I am angry at you” and the other maintain an emotional presence and without defensiveness, retreat or hostility say- “Oh- Tell me more about what you feel?” How many of us men have been taught that it is more important to listen then to “fix” our wives? My questions can go on and on and the answer is the same. Hardly any of us have witnessed these kinds of interpersonal scenarios. In my next post, I will give specific examples of how to create this positive intensity. Stay tuned!