This is the 2nd question of the common questions I get from the couples I help. The first question with an answer can be read in my post of August 27th.
Q: We fight all the time; can we ever learn to stop fighting?
A: When couples are constantly fighting, it is because both people are continually reacting in ways that push the raw buttons of the partner and for sure-there is no listening going on. Either partner can begin to interrupt that behavior by
1) Noticing what makes him react as well as his partner.
2) Developing the emotional muscle it takes to listen to one’s partner even if the first impulse is to do a fight or fight behavior.
When partners listen to each other, there is no need for fighting. Fighting can be thought of as an inept way of trying to be heard or regaining some sense of power. Listening takes care of both of these needs. When you are experiencing your partner listening, you would never raise your voice since you are already being heard. Also, being heard will naturally and healthily give you a sense of power; the power of feeling that you matter.
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