I am not a fan of infidelity. It is extremely painful for the betrayed partner and it is (at least eventually) not much fun for the unfaithful partner either. It wreaks havoc on the emotional lives of the children as well as extended family members. Having written that, I am in the business of helping couples thrive.
Over and over again, I have seen couples healing from infidelity and creating a relationship with their spouse that is FAR BETTER than the relationship was before the affair.
The unfaithful partner is unfaithful as an attempt to solve a psychological problem. (I am using male gender for simplicity) It may be a way to affirm himself because he feels unsuccessful or inadequate with his family. It may be a way to act out his suppressed anger and “punish” his wife. It may be a way to sabotage the relationship because deep down inside he is petrified of abandonment so he has not made a full emotional commitment to his wife. The decision to have an extramarital relationship is often made to solve one of these problems or a myriad of others.
The work they do with me and at home by themselves is to find more mature and creative ways to solve these emotional problems. The partners learn that working within the marital relationship does not always give immediate gratification but that in the long term, the solutions they create together are far more satisfying and meaningful than the past destructive attempts to solve these kinds of problems. Of course it takes both partners being willing to understand what the purpose of the affair was and what changes EACH person needs to do to create something different.
The betrayed spouse needs time to forgive the cheating spouse. The unfaithful partner who now is in marriage therapy and wants to improve has to be extremely understanding and patient and not expect instant trust. The betrayed partner has to develop a deeper understanding of the purpose the affair had for the unfaithful spouse. Of course, she will still feel betrayed, angry and hurt, but she gets to view the affair from a wider psychological lens. This perspective allows healing and regeneration to occur.
I am truly inspired by the couples I work with who heal from infidelity and begin experiencing the kind of connection that they never really had before.
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