This is another one of my series of the most asked questions (with answers) that I have been blogging about. I go into greater detail about the subject of this particular entryin my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage.” You can learn about and purchase the book on my website- www.toddcreager.com or at www.thelonghotmarriage.com.
Q: I feel like I have a child for a partner. Can he ever grow up?
A: Probably he can. And there are probably some things you can do to accelerate that process. There are people who have major personality disorders and other mental health issues. However, all couples slip into what I call a Parent/Child pattern where one partner feels more like the parent managing a child and the other feels like he (or she) is being controlled or judged by a parent. Since this seems to happen to all couples, the couples that have the most satisfying relationships are those that become aware of this dynamic and consciously begin to change it. The first thing for you to do is look at how you communicate verbally as well as non-verbally to your partner. Are you speaking like the one who knows better or is the authority figure? If you are doing this, know that you are evoking in your partner more of the child. Instead, try to speak from a place of vulnerability. For example, don’t say- “I can’t believe you just plopped yourself down and began watching TV. What am I your servant?” Instead, you can say “I know you want to watch TV, but you know what would make me feel less overwhelmed and very grateful- if you could help me out here. That would be just terrific.” With the second way of communicating, you have probably not evoked the “child” but rather the part of him that wants to be helpful and appreciated.
Of course, your partner needs to be aware of how he slips into the child as well. (Either gender can slip into either role, even though within one relationship, one partner will more often slip into the parent role and the other will more often slip into the child role). He needs to consciously pull himself out of that role and see you as a person who needs him rather than someone who will boss him around. Be vigilant about this. It is easy to slip back onto old, familiar roles that do not work.
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