Carol Ann Fried and I interviewed each other in Las Vegas at Blog World, 2009. She was promoting the book, “The Power of Giving,” a book I heartily recommend, and I got to talk about the importance of giving (in both thought and deed) in intimate relationships. I enjoyed this short interview and think you will too!
marriage
1 minute video on trust
Part 5 of 5th part video- The Grand Finale!
This last part of a 5 part talk show powerfully and clearly describes how you can reach your relationship potential. Cheryl Bricker, the wonderful actress who did a great job interviewing me, (as in all the videos) asks important questions about some of the central points I make in my book about how to have the long, hot marriage we all want. This video, I believe, gives you a realistic and optimistic view about positive change in ourselves and in our relationships.
Part 4 of 5 Part Talk Show Video- “The Long, Hot Marriage”
In this video, I discuss the importance of “receiving in the bedroom.” A subtle and yet powerful obstacle to healthy sexuality between partners is resistance to receiving both pleasure and love. I discuss this topic and the link between giving and receiving. In this video, you find out that “selfish” is not a dirty word.
What it Takes To Be a Great Lover
This video is Part 3 of a series on how to have “The Long, Hot Marriage.” Find out what it really takes to be a great lover. It is the sexiest video yet (in words I mean; to your relief- I do keep my clothes on!) Very informational and powerful. Take a listen and look!
The Long Hot Marriage, Part 2 of video
In this video, I discuss dealing with pain. In order to have an alive, passionate relationship, you need to develop the emotional muscle to deal with pain constructively. Typically, we deal with pain in a fight or flight way that ultimately disconnects the couple that could lead to decreasing sexuality and decreasing pleasure. As you develop the emotional muscle to stay connected through pain, you open the door once more to increasing romance, playfulness and sexuality.
OC meetup with Sabrina Gibson
As you all know it is my passion and purpose to help you all have the “The Long Hot Marriage” I describe in my book. I saw that social networking is the new way to really get my message out to everyone. I found Sabrina Gibson and joined her 7 Strategies to Social Networking class online. She is an extremely successful marketing and social networking genius. She put together what she calls a “meet-up” of all the members of her class. I was amazed at the amount of people that went and the diversity of their jobs. I met a publicist for Farrah Fawcett, other psychologists, business leaders, everyone that you can imagine. All with one purpose- using social media, such as twitter, facebook, Linkedin, and blogs to get the word out about their passions and messages.
I was proud to say that I ran into some people that recognized me and my book “The Long Hot Marriage” and as they said it “revived their dead relationship”. It was fulfilling to see that my book and message both touched their lives and made such an impact on their marriage. Just a personal note, the gratification I get when someone is touched by reading one of my articles, books, or hears my message from a keynote speech, actually brings tears to my eyes, and It is a feeling that I could live on forever. One of my fellow classmates, Judy Finneran gave me a testimonial of what I was able to bring to her by our meeting together. What are you waiting for- Take your partner in your arms and tell him or her that you are going to have a better relationship right NOW. They want what you want, believe it; one of you just has to say it. I know it’s true, 27 years of experience with couples, we’re all the same. Live your dream relationship. Its right in front of you!
Dealing with Internet Porn
Last in the series of most asked questions (with answers)
Q: My partner is addicted to internet porn. How should I deal with this?
A: There are many resources for dealing with this common problem. There are specialists in this area and the understanding of this problem continues to increase as well as improved treatment. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to do, do not take it personally. Your partner’s behavior is not a reflection on you or how attractive you are. If he is doing internet porn instead of spending time with you sexually, he is not doing the adult kinds of risking vulnerability and connecting with you emotionally. People that do internet porn enter a trancelike state that takes them away from everyday challenges and gives them a chance to experience their sexuality in a regressed, childlike way. It often is used for stress relief as well. Do your best to not be judgmental, but at the same time tell him that he needs help with this problem because you want to be with a partner who deals with feelings and problems in healthier ways.
I have helped many individuals and couples who are epxeriencing challenges with internet porn. There are also other therapists who specialize in sex addiction. Feel free to call me if you or someone you know is experiencing this in their relationship and would like some help.
Can We Ever Feel Close Again?
Q: It has been so long since I have felt close to my partner. Is there any chance we can feel close again?
A: Unless your partner has grieved the relationship and emotionally moved on, it is very possible to feel close again. Couples get locked into emotional dances that often distance the couple from each other. I would suggest that you get curious about your partner and ask some open ended questions. Don’t think you know your partner very well. In fact, if you don’t feel close, you probably have a lot to learn about your partner. If your partner refuses to talk, don’t just give up. He may be very awkward with becoming vulnerable. Acknowledge to him how difficult it is. If he is so shut down that he will not participate no matter how patient and kind you are, a good “couples” therapist may be in order so that his fears can be addressed. If he has been withdrawn for a while, ask him what he is protecting himself from. The first step is to create a safe environment where both partners can risk opening up again. Don’t take his withdrawal personally, no matter how hard that may be. His self-protective mechanism is just that- self protective, not meant to make you miserable, even though that may be exactly how you feel.
Also, look within yourself and see what you are protecting yourself from by keeping the relationship as distant as it is. Healthy relationships are not for the feint of heart. They require courage and you need to make your relationship an interpersonal adventure. Ask yourself- am I holding back physically? Am I willing to stretch a little and meet his physical needs if that has not happened in a while? How can I open up more to my partner?
Roommates and Lovers-Dealing with Low Sexual Desire
Question 3 in a series of some of the most asked questions (with answers) that I have received in my years of practice:
Q: My partner used to desire me sexually, but lately he treats me like a roommate and has said he has lost his sexual desire. Is there anything that can be done about that or is our sex life over?
A: Since this question is being asked regarding a male losing his desire, I will first answer it from this gender perspective. Then I will answer it if it is a woman who lost her desire.
The first thing that needs to be done here is to get a good assessment of the possible factors that are contributing to his lowered libido. Often a sex therapist or doctor is helpful in these situations. Physical and medical reasons cannot be overlooked. For example, many medications such as antidepressants and medication for high blood pressure have sexual side effects. If the lowered libido coincides with the time he has started medications, there is a good possibility that this is the problem. Other physical factors include chronic illness and lowered testosterone. Testosterone levels for men can be checked by a simple blood test. There can be psychological reasons such as situational stress, life transitions that raise anxiety, and even sexual performance fears that lead to sex avoidance. Lastly, there are relationship factors such as built up resentment, ongoing power struggles, something in the current relationship evoking some past trauma and lack of trust. It is not uncommon for there to be multiple factors contributing to lowered sexual desire. There is treatment for all of these factors and often other aspects of the relationship can improve as well by working with the underlying causes of the sexual problem.
If it is the woman who is experiencing lowered libido, it could be any of the factors above. Women are typically more affected by hormonal fluctuations and hormone level must be paid attention to in the treatment of lowered libido in females. However, the most common reason for lower sexual desire in women is a lack of emotional connection with one’s partner. Educating the male in how to share as well as listen to feelings (as uncomfortable as that may be for many men) is often a pre-requisite for a reemergence of healthy desire in the female partner. Emotional nourishment is necessary for many women to desire their mate.
Can We Ever Stop Fighting?
This is the 2nd question of the common questions I get from the couples I help. The first question with an answer can be read in my post of August 27th.
Q: We fight all the time; can we ever learn to stop fighting?
A: When couples are constantly fighting, it is because both people are continually reacting in ways that push the raw buttons of the partner and for sure-there is no listening going on. Either partner can begin to interrupt that behavior by
1) Noticing what makes him react as well as his partner.
2) Developing the emotional muscle it takes to listen to one’s partner even if the first impulse is to do a fight or fight behavior.
When partners listen to each other, there is no need for fighting. Fighting can be thought of as an inept way of trying to be heard or regaining some sense of power. Listening takes care of both of these needs. When you are experiencing your partner listening, you would never raise your voice since you are already being heard. Also, being heard will naturally and healthily give you a sense of power; the power of feeling that you matter.
The Amazing Benefits of Feeling Your Feelings
Many of our health, interpersonal and other life problems are because of one thing- an unwillingness to experience what one is feeling. We tend to want to control how we feel and we often want to present ourselves to others like we are in control. The paradox I will attempt to convince you of is that the more you try to control your feelings, the more out of control you are Likewise, the more you allow yourself to experience whatever you are feeling without trying to change or control it, the more in control you are.
A little personal story:
I turned 50 last year and decided to not procrastinate and get my colon tested. (A little public service announcement- if you are 50 or over and have not had a colonoscopy, please do it. In my case, they found a precancerous polyp and removed it. This is very common and if it is found in time, you will not get colon cancer). Back to my story- They got me all ready for the procedure, hooked me up to an IV and set up the blood pressure and heart monitor and I had to wait until it was my turn. Even though intellectually I knew this was going to be a painless procedure, I must have been nervous because I could hear my heart beating though their monitoring system and it was beating fast. I tried doing all my ticks to relax and the best I could do is slow down my heartbeat for a few seconds, but then it would go right back up. After about 40 minutes of waiting and hearing my fast heartbeat, I said to myself- “You know, let’s face it- I am just scared. For the first time since they hooked me up, I stopped trying to change how I felt and just let me experience my fear. An interesting thing happened, my heartbeat SIGNIFICANTLY slowed down. By the time they came in to drug me for the procedure, my heart rate was about at the resting rate.
From my story, you could see how experiencing your feelings no matter how unpleasant can decrease your stress. As soon as I stopped trying to control how I felt, I was more in control. Allow yourself to have and experience your feelings and sensations.
Relationships
As I write about a lot in my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” most if not all relationship problems come from being disconnected. When you flip on a light switch, you are completing an electric current which then lights up the room. Likewise, when you complete an energy current with your partner, you light up the relationship. The problem is, we often break contact with our partner when either one of us feels negative feelings. We usually do some sort of fight or flight reaction and the reason we do that is because we do not like how we are feeling and we try to change how we are feeling.
If you were to practice feeling your feelings more, you would decrease your reactivity. Developing this habit leads to more effective listening and ultimately to both people feeling closer to each other.
Increased Success in Other Areas of Life
When you put your attention on your body and what you are feeling as opposed to your active mind or superficial self protective reactions, you become more open- more open to people and life in general. People pick up on this non-defensive “vibe” and you become instantly more attractive. Who knows what this increased attractiveness can lead to- a promotion, a new opportunity or possibly other doors opening up in some seemingly miraculous way.
You may think I am overstating these benefits, but experiment yourself. For this moment, give up trying to control or change how you feel and instead feel how you feel. LET YOURSELF JUST BE AND FEEL AS YOU ARE. Notice if you feel better or worse from this conscious action. Experiment with your partner and see how he or she responds to you being more open and vulnerable and less defensive. Notice any other changes that happen in your life. Feel free to e-mail me your feedback on this article or on any life improvements from applying what this article is suggesting. Take good care.