In this video, I discuss the importance of “receiving in the bedroom.” A subtle and yet powerful obstacle to healthy sexuality between partners is resistance to receiving both pleasure and love. I discuss this topic and the link between giving and receiving. In this video, you find out that “selfish” is not a dirty word.
healing from infidelity
What it Takes To Be a Great Lover
This video is Part 3 of a series on how to have “The Long, Hot Marriage.” Find out what it really takes to be a great lover. It is the sexiest video yet (in words I mean; to your relief- I do keep my clothes on!) Very informational and powerful. Take a listen and look!
The Long Hot Marriage, Part 2 of video
In this video, I discuss dealing with pain. In order to have an alive, passionate relationship, you need to develop the emotional muscle to deal with pain constructively. Typically, we deal with pain in a fight or flight way that ultimately disconnects the couple that could lead to decreasing sexuality and decreasing pleasure. As you develop the emotional muscle to stay connected through pain, you open the door once more to increasing romance, playfulness and sexuality.
How to Create a Long Hot Marriage
Dealing with Internet Porn
Last in the series of most asked questions (with answers)
Q: My partner is addicted to internet porn. How should I deal with this?
A: There are many resources for dealing with this common problem. There are specialists in this area and the understanding of this problem continues to increase as well as improved treatment. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to do, do not take it personally. Your partner’s behavior is not a reflection on you or how attractive you are. If he is doing internet porn instead of spending time with you sexually, he is not doing the adult kinds of risking vulnerability and connecting with you emotionally. People that do internet porn enter a trancelike state that takes them away from everyday challenges and gives them a chance to experience their sexuality in a regressed, childlike way. It often is used for stress relief as well. Do your best to not be judgmental, but at the same time tell him that he needs help with this problem because you want to be with a partner who deals with feelings and problems in healthier ways.
I have helped many individuals and couples who are epxeriencing challenges with internet porn. There are also other therapists who specialize in sex addiction. Feel free to call me if you or someone you know is experiencing this in their relationship and would like some help.
Will My Partner Ever Grow Up?
This is another one of my series of the most asked questions (with answers) that I have been blogging about. I go into greater detail about the subject of this particular entryin my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage.” You can learn about and purchase the book on my website- www.toddcreager.com or at www.thelonghotmarriage.com.
Q: I feel like I have a child for a partner. Can he ever grow up?
A: Probably he can. And there are probably some things you can do to accelerate that process. There are people who have major personality disorders and other mental health issues. However, all couples slip into what I call a Parent/Child pattern where one partner feels more like the parent managing a child and the other feels like he (or she) is being controlled or judged by a parent. Since this seems to happen to all couples, the couples that have the most satisfying relationships are those that become aware of this dynamic and consciously begin to change it. The first thing for you to do is look at how you communicate verbally as well as non-verbally to your partner. Are you speaking like the one who knows better or is the authority figure? If you are doing this, know that you are evoking in your partner more of the child. Instead, try to speak from a place of vulnerability. For example, don’t say- “I can’t believe you just plopped yourself down and began watching TV. What am I your servant?” Instead, you can say “I know you want to watch TV, but you know what would make me feel less overwhelmed and very grateful- if you could help me out here. That would be just terrific.” With the second way of communicating, you have probably not evoked the “child” but rather the part of him that wants to be helpful and appreciated.
Of course, your partner needs to be aware of how he slips into the child as well. (Either gender can slip into either role, even though within one relationship, one partner will more often slip into the parent role and the other will more often slip into the child role). He needs to consciously pull himself out of that role and see you as a person who needs him rather than someone who will boss him around. Be vigilant about this. It is easy to slip back onto old, familiar roles that do not work.
Can We Ever Feel Close Again?
Q: It has been so long since I have felt close to my partner. Is there any chance we can feel close again?
A: Unless your partner has grieved the relationship and emotionally moved on, it is very possible to feel close again. Couples get locked into emotional dances that often distance the couple from each other. I would suggest that you get curious about your partner and ask some open ended questions. Don’t think you know your partner very well. In fact, if you don’t feel close, you probably have a lot to learn about your partner. If your partner refuses to talk, don’t just give up. He may be very awkward with becoming vulnerable. Acknowledge to him how difficult it is. If he is so shut down that he will not participate no matter how patient and kind you are, a good “couples” therapist may be in order so that his fears can be addressed. If he has been withdrawn for a while, ask him what he is protecting himself from. The first step is to create a safe environment where both partners can risk opening up again. Don’t take his withdrawal personally, no matter how hard that may be. His self-protective mechanism is just that- self protective, not meant to make you miserable, even though that may be exactly how you feel.
Also, look within yourself and see what you are protecting yourself from by keeping the relationship as distant as it is. Healthy relationships are not for the feint of heart. They require courage and you need to make your relationship an interpersonal adventure. Ask yourself- am I holding back physically? Am I willing to stretch a little and meet his physical needs if that has not happened in a while? How can I open up more to my partner?
Healing from Infidelity
I am not a fan of infidelity. It is extremely painful for the betrayed partner and it is (at least eventually) not much fun for the unfaithful partner either. It wreaks havoc on the emotional lives of the children as well as extended family members. Having written that, I am in the business of helping couples thrive.
Over and over again, I have seen couples healing from infidelity and creating a relationship with their spouse that is FAR BETTER than the relationship was before the affair.
The unfaithful partner is unfaithful as an attempt to solve a psychological problem. (I am using male gender for simplicity) It may be a way to affirm himself because he feels unsuccessful or inadequate with his family. It may be a way to act out his suppressed anger and “punish” his wife. It may be a way to sabotage the relationship because deep down inside he is petrified of abandonment so he has not made a full emotional commitment to his wife. The decision to have an extramarital relationship is often made to solve one of these problems or a myriad of others.
The work they do with me and at home by themselves is to find more mature and creative ways to solve these emotional problems. The partners learn that working within the marital relationship does not always give immediate gratification but that in the long term, the solutions they create together are far more satisfying and meaningful than the past destructive attempts to solve these kinds of problems. Of course it takes both partners being willing to understand what the purpose of the affair was and what changes EACH person needs to do to create something different.
The betrayed spouse needs time to forgive the cheating spouse. The unfaithful partner who now is in marriage therapy and wants to improve has to be extremely understanding and patient and not expect instant trust. The betrayed partner has to develop a deeper understanding of the purpose the affair had for the unfaithful spouse. Of course, she will still feel betrayed, angry and hurt, but she gets to view the affair from a wider psychological lens. This perspective allows healing and regeneration to occur.
I am truly inspired by the couples I work with who heal from infidelity and begin experiencing the kind of connection that they never really had before.