Marriage Counseling
Having a sense of humor is important to a relationship
I asked women in a survey what the most important traits of men that would help them fall in love or stay in love with them?
The number one answer was “sense of humor.”
As a man, I know that I also appreciate my wife’s sense of humor and it makes her even more attractive to me!
So, with that in mind, I would suggest cultivating and utilizing your sense of humor.
I am not meaning necessarily telling good jokes; it is more about being light-hearted, looking at life as it is with an accepting and different point of view, (I call that cognitive flexibility), being self-effacing at times and laughing a lot.
Ask yourself, “How can I lighten this moment?
What can I say that would bring a smile to my partner’s face?”
So, don’t take yourself too seriously and make laughter a priority this weekend.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Let Go, Live Better, Love More
Photo by: MeditationMusic.net
Let Go, Live Better, Love More
We all accumulate stress in our bodies unconsciously.
Then we typically regulate our bodily tension through maladaptive ways such as vegetating in front of the TV or computer or acting out by being reactive (such as yelling, being cranky and irritated, etc.). If we want to be the lovers we are capable of being, we need to DO SOMETHING to let go.
Here is a suggestion for the weekend (and forever).
- Sit comfortable.
- Become aware of your abdominal area.
- Notice any holding of tension.
- Allow that part of the belly soften as you let go of the tension your were unconsciously holding.
- Then pay attention to your jaw area and do the same thing.
- Your mouth should open slightly.
- Do the same with your face; we hold a lot of tension in our face.
Now scan your body and pay attention to other parts of your body where you are holding on to tension and soften and let go.
It’s as if you stop protecting yourself from some imagined bad thing happening and you are sitting in the present moment more vulnerable, less protected and more open to your experience.
From this more relaxed place, it is easier to handle relationship and life challenges. It is also easier to be that interpersonal positive center of influence I talk about. So,
This weekend (and forever)- let go, live better, love more!
Dealing with Infidelity is rampant in our society and one of the biggest issues a couple can face. I’m addressing this issue in my free talk on Tuesday July 29th.
On this call I’ll discuss the 5 things you’ll need to know in order to heal from infidelity and create a thriving relationship.
If you or anyone you know needs my expertise in this area, you’ll want to sign up and join us. Everyone on the call will be anonymous and you’ll have the opportunity to get your questions answered.
90% Success Rate When Dealing with Infidelity
5 Secrets of Happily Married Couples
photo credit marcos demadariaga
5 Secrets of Happily Married Couples
- They spend time getting to know each other. They slow down together.
- They show appreciation and compliment each other a lot.
- They understand that conflict is inevitable and work on communicating maturely as they stay connected to each other.
- They both feel tremendous freedom of expression in their marriage.
- Sex is experienced as a mutually pleasurable experience and they have sex with a frequency that works well enough for both partners.
This weekend, look at where you are already strong in these 5 areas and talk about what areas need more work. Remember that I am here to help!
Flirtation or Infidelity? What’s Okay and What’s Not
Flirtation or Infidelity? What’s Okay and What’s Not
You get married and you’re supposed to be faithful. You made a vow to be faithful. You and your wife understand that concept to mean that you can only have sex with each other. The problem is that there are 2 things that complicate that simple declaration. One is your human nature. The other is modern technology. Let’s start with your human nature.
Your human nature is that you are multidimensional and complex. You commit to a person and yet there are other parts of you that are quite capable of having feelings for other members of the opposite sex (or other members of the same sex if you are gay or lesbian). Also, maybe you are a fun person that likes to engage with others in free self-expression. You may enjoy flirting because it is fun and you can enjoy that part of you that can have that positive effect on others. What do you do with that part of you? Do you hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist? Do you act it out and say ‘to heck with my vows?”
The problem with hiding is that you become more restricted and less alive (and resentful). The problem with acting it out is that keeping a secret can be devastating to the (usually inevitable) discovering partner that you kept the secret. Maybe even more important, it is unfair to keep secrets from your spouse because if she knew the truth, she might make a different decision. To me, that is robbery/thievery/stealing from someone’s life the right to choose based on knowledge and truth.
The other problem is technology. Today’s technology makes it easy to engage in behaviors that you would not want to share with your partner. These behaviors include- intimate texting and sexting, online live engagement for sexual reasons, online porn, emails, social network direct messaging, booking an online or live prostitute, etc. There are even online groups that encourage you to discretely cheat on your spouse and will help you. (This same technology makes it relatively easy to get caught if you have a suspicious partner that has access to your online “stuff” or phone).
With all this temptation from within our human nature, as well as the modern technological environment, we need to be proactive as couples. So, how do we be proactive and honor our vows as well as our complex human nature? Here are 5 steps to an alive and faithful relationship:
1) Get to know yourself in all your complexity; not just the part of you that wants to follow your vows to the letter, but the other parts as well. If you like attention from the opposite sex (or same sex if gay or lesbian), admit that to yourself.
2) Accept that your partner’s psyche does not just revolve around only you. It is normal for him to have sexual feelings for others or even have the desire to be affirmed by others sexually.
3) Understand that # 1 and 2 have absolutely nothing to do with actions though. Acting these feelings out and being secretive is a whole other hurtful problem that does not work in committed relationships.
4) You have to communicate these “shadow” sides to your partner sometimes. Talk about your need to get attention and how you want to flirt. See what is ok with your partner and where the boundaries need to be drawn. (No, it is not a back and white situation. For example, some couples are totally okay with flirting as long as they tell each other about it (no secrets) and do not take it any further. However, one or both partners may not be ok with any flirting whatsoever).
5) Come up with an agreement that you both could keep. If the boundaries feel too loose or too rigid to one party, then you need to communicate more about it. For example, my wife and I have very clear boundaries that we have never crossed but I would not want to be forbidden from having lunch with another female for business reasons or if she were a colleague of mine or even an old friend. That would feel too restrictive.
Let’s go back to the title of this blog- Flirting or Infidelity? What’s OK and What’s Not? Infidelity involves and implies secrets. Secrets could range from texting to having sexual intercourse with a person (and everything in between) and not telling your spouse. Infidelity is clearly NOT OK. Flirting is a gray area and needs to be discussed with each spouse to find that place where the boundaries are clear, the relationship is held sacred and it is not overly restrictive.
Every couple is different and every couple needs to decide as a couple what works for them. Secret flirting is infidelity as I define it because it IS the secret that destroys relationships, more than the behavior itself. However, healthy and innocent flirting as clearly communicated and accepted by the couple can be enlivening and enjoyable. Staying as open and transparent as possible actually in some ways naturally and organically gives partners more room to be playful with the other sex. My comments here are taken from decades of working with couples, and I have learned that the gray areas in relationships can be wonderful if looked at and dealt with creatively. Feel free to comment on this blog. I know that people have many opinions on this subject!
Flirt with your partner
This weekend, FLIRT WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Flirting is not only for daters and newlyweds. Flirting adds excitement and aliveness to couples together for a long time. You may ask, “How should I flirt when I haven’t done it in such a long time?”
Here are some possible ways (and this is an incomplete list):
- Think of how you got your partner’s attention the first time you saw him and do it again.
- Say something to let your partner know how attracted you are to her.
- Say, “You’re hot” with your eyes and facial expression.
- Smile adoringly.
- Give a gentle kiss on her neck.
- Touch him quickly in a sexually arousing way and smile.
- Dress provocatively.
Remember that it is ok to leave your comfort zone and be a little uncomfortable if that’s what it takes for you to be flirtatious!
Enjoy your weekend!
Celebrate Freedom
The 4th of July is about celebrating freedom; freedom from the “Mother Country and freedom towards a new adventure.”
Our fledgling country found its own ways to govern and prosper. There were still traditions that carried forward from our roots, but, we were free to grow and change.
This 4th of July weekend, ask yourself, “What traditions, family rules, etc. do I want to keep, and, what traditions and rules are obsolete for the health of my relationships and myself?”
Honor your past, AND, break way to new patterns and habits that work better.
Be free and prosper in your relationships and in your life.
THE JOY OF KISSING
As you are probably aware, the lips are quite sensitive, and have many nerve receptors for transmitting messages to the brain, more so than most other areas of the body, including other erogenous zones.
Kissing causes positive emotional & neurochemical effects
One of the things I do is to teach USC students some basic brain physiology and I am aware that the brain and the rest of the body are in constant interplay with each other. Nerve impulses from the lips reach numerous areas of the brain, causing a variety of emotional and neurochemical effects.
For example, the levels of the neurotransmitters- dopamine and norepinephrine (both associated with levels of vitality) go up when being kissed. Oxytocin, which is a hormone that stimulates bonding behavior, increases in the body when kissing. I know that I myself fell in love with the woman who is now my wife after our first kiss (wow could she kiss)!
Yet, many of my clients tell me in my office how they have stopped kissing and stopped being kissed by their partner. Yes, they may get the perfunctory quick kiss on the lips when going out the door to work, but that is it. Kissing has even dropped out of the foreplay behavior for some couples.
Passionate kissing is intimate
Kissing creates instant intensity between two people; the kind of intensity that give a feeling of psychological wellbeing as well as the positive physical reactions stated in my first paragraph. Kissing your long-term partner on the lips could potentially create the powerful arousing and close feeling that you had when you were courting. Many couples move from kissing on the lips too fast to other sexual behaviors.
Here is some advice- KISS LONGER AND MORE!
And of course you can kiss her (or him) all over her body; nice slow and gentle kisses on the abdomen, on the back of the neck, slowly up the legs to the inner thighs, etc. I have not met a female client yet who would turn down that partner behavior.
Of course then, there is using your tongue. There are many ways to use your tongue in both lip-to-lip kissing as well as kissing other areas of the body. It can be very exciting to twirl your tongue around her tongue. You can explore your tongue around her mouth, suck and lick. You can use your tongue all over your partner’s body. Each person has different preferences and I always say that we need to ask what our partner would like (yes communication improves sex too) and then adjust to meet our partner’s preferences.
Back when we were courting, we slowed down together; we took the time to really enjoy each other. I have had several new couples this past week that make no time to slow down together. No wonder there is very little passionate kissing. You need to make a decision- the decision to slow down together and elongate kissing and other forms of affectionate and loving touch.
Start a new kissing habit
If you are a member of a couple that has gotten out of the habit of sensual kissing, just break through and start a new kissing habit with your lover. I would not necessarily wait to resolve every problem. If there is a major block, then of course, get some help. But, know that you are more than your problems and you do not have to wait to start kissing your lover. Or you might rather ask your partner to initiate some kissing if you tend to be the initiator.
However you do it, think like this: Kissing is pleasurable and does something good for the soul. It draws you closer to your mate and is a very meaningful activity because of that.
So raise that oxytocin, norepinephrine and dopamine without drugs!
Good lifestyle choices minimize the need for drugs since we have the capacity to uplift our energy in natural ways. So eat well, exercise, sleep enough, practice some yoga or meditation and now add one more thing to the list.
Kiss and be kissed passionately by your partner!
Top Ten Rules Every Marriage Should Live By
We may not like rules and laws but we need to follow some rules in order to do well in life. Take the Law of Gravity for example- I would strongly suggest that you do not try to defy that law. There are also universal “laws” or rules in a marriage that must be followed IF we want a happy one.
After 31 years of practice, I feel qualified to tell you my top 10 rules every marriage should live by.
- Make it your job to uplift the energy of your partner consistently. That may require different activities and statements depending upon the context of your current situation. For example, if he is down in spirit, you may let him know that you are here to support him and listen to him. If you are both just having a quiet day, you may want to initiate some sexual experience.
- Spend time knowing what you are feeling. A person who is out of touch with his feelings basically is letting his feelings run the show and that is not always a good thing. The more you know what you are experiencing in your body, the more you can handle those feelings maturely.
- Practice perceiving the best possible perception of your partner. We are basically walking, talking self-fulfilling prophecies. If you base your perceptions on your partner’s poor track record, that poor track record will continue. However, as counter-intuitive as this may sound, if you forget history and practice perceiving your partner as if he had a positive track record in a particular area of life, you could find out that his potential is much higher than his history seemed to indicate. For example, if you perceive your non-listening partner as a listener, you just may communicate to him in such a way that you become very inviting to be heard. Then voila!!-Your non-listening spouse becomes transformed into an interested, listening lover.
- Change things up from time to time. Yes, put some thought and effort into keeping it fresh and new. Try a new behavior, do a new joint activity, try something different sexually.
- Spend a minimum of 10 minutes a day sharing feelings, that’s right feelings! This activity raises the woman’s oxytocin level that makes her feel good and that could only be good news for the man as well. If you are one of those people that have a hard time locating and expressing your feelings, find someone (such as myself) who can train you to do this skill better.
- Hand in hand with # 5, decide to be a curious person; mainly be curious about the inner world of your partner and yourself. And that means that when she is talking, you drop your agenda; it is only about her for now and her turn to talk ends after she FEELS HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD and not a second before!
- Have sex consistently and don’t wait to be “in the mood.” Sometimes you are not in the mood until AFTER you get involved in the sexual experience.
- Accept your sexual differences! Remember that sex does not mean just sexual intercourse. Be open to each person’s preference. Yes- men and women truly ARE different. The expression- Men are like microwaves, women are like crockpots, usually holds true. If you want her to want you, you better do what it takes to warm her up. If you don’t know (and there is a good chance that you don’t and that is ok), then ask her. And women- realize that he is a microwave and that instead of judging him, make room for yourself and your preferences as well as his!
- Learn from each other. Typically, the thing that drives you crazy (in a not so good way) about your partner is the very thing you need to develop more in yourself. What can you learn from your partner? Also, you have blind spots and your partner may be the best person to point those blind spots out to you. For example, you may come from a family that did not express feelings and that may seem normal to you. If your partner has a complaint about that, take it seriously; learn from him or her that you have a weak spot in there (as we all do). Use your partner to begin to have sight in places where you were blind before. In this example, you just may want to find your feelings in your body and practice expressing them.
- Look for things to appreciate about your partner and show that appreciation with words or gestures. This practices counters the tendency to take each other for granted. Feeling appreciated can be a great aphrodisiac in a marriage.
If you practice these 10 rules, it will be difficult for your marriage to be anything but phenomenal.
These rules keep us alert, alive and passionate. Marriage is not an arena to be lazy.
Follow these rules and that will lead to the freedom you experience when you are in a loving, pleasurable successful intimate relationship.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Go ahead and admit it already!
This weekend, think of something you get defensive about.
However, this time, instead, look for the truth in what the other person is saying about you.
You are not perfect, you know, and you are entitled to have areas of yourself that need
some work and attention.
Go ahead and admit it already.
It actually feels good to admit things; stop fighting to be right about that point and see the “rightness” of the other person.
Naughty and Nice: Mix it up this weekend
This weekend is Naughty and Nice Weekend!
It is good to be nice, and it is good to be naughty at times. And it’s absolutely fantastic to be both.
Do something kind. Go out of your way for your partner this weekend.
Also, bring out your sexy, seductive, teasing, playful side. If you are not used to
experiencing that part of yourself, stretch into it; start somewhere. Be naughty.
One thing Naughty (at least), and one thing Nice (at least).
And have a GREAT WEEKEND!
Shift Happens
When it comes to couples, there is no one cause and effect;
no absolute victim and perpetrator; no right and wrong person.
There is “circular causality,”
an interpersonal dance
where I react to your reactions
which are a reaction to my reactions
which are a reaction to your reaction…
There is no blame in this; just responsibility.
As soon as one partner changes his or her dance steps,
the dance changes and “shift happens.”
Could You Pass A U.S. Immigration Marriage Interview?
How well do you know your partner? Could you pass a US Marriage Interview?
Some couples are so out of touch with each other that they would not come close to passing.
This weekend take some time and think about these questions:
Do you know your partner’s favorite restaurant?
Do you know what are the traits in people that your partner truly admires?
Do you know how she feels today about her boss or supervisor or employee?
Do you know his secret sexual fantasy?
Do you know the last time your partner talked to the favorite aunt?
You get the idea. Ask some open ended questions this weekend of your partner.
Learn something new. Think about what you know and don’t know about your partner and get curious. Deciding to become curious about your partner’s experience, preferences, feelings and thoughts might be the single most powerful thing you can do to shift the relationship in a positive direction.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Explore the unknown in your relationship
As graduation approaches for some (my younger daughter is about to have the big high school graduation), let’s have a couple’s graduation for you and your lover.
How about this weekend, you decide to enter the next level of coupledom? Graduate from the status quo.
My daughter is about to go into the vast unknown of college life.
I recommend that you too go into the vast unknown in your relationship by trying these:
- Be more open then you usually are.
- Be more playful than you usually are.
- Be more helpful than you usually are.
- Go out of your way for your partner more than you usually do.
- Be more sexual with your lover than you usually are.
Whatever it is, stretch into the unknown a little more than you are comfortable and graduate to the next level of intimacy and relationship.
Congratulations!
3 Other Things that America Gets Wrong About Sex
In a recent Tip, I discussed on of the main things America gets wrong about sex- that we think we have our act together. By not facing the truth (we don’t), we stop ourselves from novelty and do not risk as much.
Here are 3 other things that America gets wrong about sex.
1. Men and women practice the BLM philosophy (Be Like Me) and they are nothing like each other.
The expression “Men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots” is true most of the time. (There are always exceptions). Women generally need to feel close and connected before they open up sexually. Men see a body part they like and they are ready, being the visual people they (we) are. Men want women to respond quickly and get frustrated when women want us to put in the required [work of] attention to warm them up. Then the women get mad at us because we are angry with them and there is this whole downward spiral as we think they are ungrateful.
Meanwhile, nobody is “wrong;” just different and we need to understand that.
2. We put too much emphasis on erect penises and orgasms.
I am all for people getting aroused and climaxing, but that is not what sex should be centered on. We need to switch from a performance based, action based, outcome-based approach to a connection-based approach where we celebrate the gift of love between us and the many ways we can pleasure each other.
It is time to move on from the adolescent male fixation of what can be done with or to erections. It leads to unnecessary male anxiety and has also led to women left with the delusion that they are responsible for the lack of performance. This can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and feeling unattractive in the woman.
As we slow down our thinking and loosen our need to control how things go, sex can be far more enjoyable with and without orgasms.
3. We are still uptight about sex and hide too much of our sexuality from each other.
We are afraid to share our secret sexual desires, preferences and fantasies with our partner for fear of being rejected or worse yet, humiliated. Couples with vibrant long-term sex lives are free to share their preferences and give their partners a chance to stretch themselves by listening and accepting those sexual aspects of their partners.
One of the biggest aphrodisiacs in long-term relationships is the sense that we can truly be more and more of who we are.
Open sexual self-expression (with sensitivity to the partner) is one important pathway to have that experience. As we expose these “shadow” sides of our sexual self, we can grow in self-acceptance as well. So it is good for our psyche and our sex lives!
Why Extramarital Sex is Bad for your Health
Here is my thought for the weekend: Extramarital Sex is Bad for your Health.
For one, most of us non-sociopaths would feel guilt, and guilt wears down the immune system as well as other biological systems in the body.
Secondly, hiding things puts us in a constant state of stress. The fear of getting caught is actually an intense fear—the same fear we may have had as a kid when we knew we would be severely disciplined if we got caught. This creates a high state of cortisol that leads to a myriad of possible health problems.
Thirdly, once you get caught (and you will if you continue the behavior), the humiliation, guilt, pain and anxiety do more damage.
The sooner this behavior is stopped, the better. If you or anyone you know is doing this behavior, confront that person (or yourself) and know that there is help on the way that could get that person out of the constant state of stress.
It’s a no win situation. I know someone who has a lot of experience in these types of matters. Yes of course— that would be me. Believe it or not, I have about a 90% success rate in helping couples thrive after infidelity is discovered.
So, be a friend; confront that person and invite that person to get out of that quagmire called infidelity.
What we should be teaching our kids about sex
A Mississippi sex education class pushed back time and not in a good way earlier this month.
Here is a quote from an article that described what took place:
“A curriculum adopted by over 60 percent of Mississippi school districts instructs teachers to put on purity preservation exercises, like one that prompts students to “unwrap a piece of chocolate, pass it around class and observe how dirty it became.”
As Marie Barnard, a Mississippi public health worker and parent, told the Los Angeles Times:
“They’re using the Peppermint Pattie to show that a girl is no longer clean or valuable after she’s had sex—that she’s been used … That shouldn’t be the lesson we send kids about sex.”
If you want to read the entire article, you can click here: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/04/03/mississippi_sex_ed_class_compares_women_to_dirty_peppermint_patties.html
The good news is that some mothers fought back and there has been some reform but apparently not throughout the entire state.
My opinion is that sex education is only as good as the people devising the curriculum and the one who is teaching it. Young people need to be taught about how to make responsible choices about their sexuality, but the teaching should not be fear based or intended to associate sex with something inherently negative.
When young people learn negative associations with sex such as what these Mississippi schools were doing, these young people grow up and often have sexual issues. I have helped many adults who got fear- based advise from parents and other authority figures where they learned unnecessarily negative beliefs about sex. Then I would help them deprogram and reprogram so that they could have a healthy sexual relationship with another adult.
There are ways to help teenagers and young adults make choices that align with their truest values and best self. These negative messages are unnecessary. With good sexual information and good teaching of how to think about one’s sexual choices, these young people have a higher probability of making good choices.
What I have witnessed is that parents who create an emotional atmosphere of openness, acceptance and listening along with encouraging their children to talk about difficult subjects such as sex seem to have the best kind of influence on their children’s sexual choices.
Having simple answers or being close-minded to the complexities and conflicts of the adolescent mind actually encourages more disconnection between parents and child and ultimately can indirectly lead to poor sexual choices on the part of the adolescent.
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Adolescents need to be heard and when they are, they are less apt to act out or rebel.
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Parents often need to get educated themselves as to the best way to approach these sexual conversations with their adolescent children.
Knowledge is power and as a parent we want to have the power to guide our budding adult children through those turbulent adolescent times.
What America gets wrong about Sex
There are a number of things that America gets wrong about sex and I will be going over them to help you “right these wrongs” over the next bunch of weeks. Here is one that for this week:
Americans think we have our act together when it comes to sex!
This is a myth and it is a myth that leads us to not learn new things or be open to changing up what we do in the bedroom. God forbid, we should find out that our partner would like us to do something different. It must mean we are sexually inadequate!
Challenge this idea; develop what the Buddhists call “Beginner’s mind,” allowing you to learn and enjoy being a sexual novice. You may ask your partner to teach you how to do something in the bedroom with him or her that is pleasing and that you have not done before. Be open and I would go so far to say- enjoy being awkward!
Being clumsy in the bedroom is not a sin. If accepted, we can learn how to have a more sexually satisfying relationship with our intimate partner!
Here’s to getting the love you want!
If He Drives You Crazy, Then, Be More Like Him
Can you believe I said that?
This month I’ve been talking to you about how to be more of your complete self, and now I’m telling you to do something that is the opposite of what you would normally do.
Yes, that’s right!
Watch this video and find out why…
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Todd