In a recent Tip, I discussed on of the main things America gets wrong about sex- that we think we have our act together.  By not facing the truth (we don’t), we stop ourselves from novelty and do not risk as much.

Here are 3 other things that America gets wrong about sex.

1. Men and women practice the BLM philosophy (Be Like Me) and they are nothing like each other.

The expression “Men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots” is true most of the time.  (There are always exceptions). Women generally need to feel close and connected before they open up sexually.  Men see a body part they like and they are ready, being the visual people they (we) are.  Men want women to respond quickly and get frustrated when women want us to put in the required [work of] attention to warm them up.  Then the women get mad at us because we are angry with them and there is this whole downward spiral as we think they are ungrateful.

Meanwhile, nobody is “wrong;” just different and we need to understand that.

2.  We put too much emphasis on erect penises and orgasms.

I am all for people getting aroused and climaxing, but that is not what sex should be centered on.  We need to switch from a performance based, action based, outcome-based approach to a connection-based approach where we celebrate the gift of love between us and the many ways we can pleasure each other.

It is time to move on from the adolescent male fixation of what can be done with or to erections.  It leads to unnecessary male anxiety and has also led to women left with the delusion that they are responsible for the lack of performance.  This can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and feeling unattractive in the woman.

As we slow down our thinking and loosen our need to control how things go, sex can be far more enjoyable with and without orgasms.

3.  We are still uptight about sex and hide too much of our sexuality from each other.

We are afraid to share our secret sexual desires, preferences and fantasies with our partner for fear of being rejected or worse yet, humiliated.  Couples with vibrant long-term sex lives are free to share their preferences and give their partners a chance to stretch themselves by listening and accepting those sexual aspects of their partners.

One of the biggest aphrodisiacs in long-term relationships is the sense that we can truly be more and more of who we are.

Open sexual self-expression (with sensitivity to the partner) is one important pathway to have that experience.  As we expose these “shadow” sides of our sexual self, we can grow in self-acceptance as well.  So it is good for our psyche and our sex lives!