Infidelity
I Just Found Out My Partner is Having an Affair!
How Much Do I Need to Know?
This is a very important and challenging question for people who are betrayed. The betrayed spouse is usually blindsided, confused and devastated. The question- “Who is this person I am supposedly committed to?” is both understandable and painful. How much detail should the betrayed person know?
Most of my clients who have discovered infidelity want to know everything. There is such a feeling of vulnerability that knowing everything would seemingly be a way to feel more in control again. My experience is that even knowing all of it does not take away the feeling of loss of control entirely. However, once the person who cheated tells about the number of partners, frequency and some of the other information the partner wants to know, the betrayed person seems to feel that on some intuitive level that he or she knows “enough” In my clinical experience this has helped the betrayed person begin the process of regaining trust (of course assuming that both partners are working on the relationship and creating healthier patterns).
There is no exact science to this. Every couple is different and how much truth telling is optimal is different for each couple. The betrayed person should be the one who answers the question that is in the title of this article. How much detail the betrayed person wants to know is up to him or her but I will say three rules that the betrayed person probably should follow:
1) Think about what you really need to know so that you have some sense of awareness about what really went on. Most people who are betrayed need to know some details.
2) Avoid learning explicit sexual details. The problem was the act itself and the important question is what was the motivation. Getting too many explicit details can lead to unnecessary trauma as pictures fill the betrayed person’s mind.
3) No matter what details you learn, do not blame yourself. The choice to cheat was your partner’s, not yours. Be willing to learn and discover things about yourself through this difficult experience, but do not judge or diminish yourself in any way.
The problem with not knowing enough is that the betrayed person is continually wondering, guessing and doubting. Sometimes the vacuum of information can lead to worse images and beliefs than what actually happened. Look at some of my other resources on this topic of infidelity on my resource page on my website and know that I have an excellent self-help program coming out soon that addresses this topic and many more on how to heal from infidelity.
If You Want to Cheat, Just Tell Your Partner First!
A True Story
Let me tell you about a couple who saw me for relationship issues but avoided the more damaging issue of infidelity. This is their (abridged) story.
They had their second child and the kids were less than 2 years apart. The husband was frustrated with the lack of sex and intimacy. She was exhausted a lot and the last thing on her mind was having sexual pleasure. She just needed to get through another day. They both loved their children and were devoted parents but she had no energy left in her gas tank for her husband after the children were finally in bed.
There was an attractive female co-worker of the husband who was beginning to come onto him. He was enjoying the attention and it was beginning to fill up the hole he was feeling in his marriage. He did not give the coworker any outward encouragement but was weakening and wanted to go with the urge. He started thinking about her even when at home.
He told his wife what was happening and how he was feeling and how he was thinking about this person more and more. He said that he felt dangerously close to cheating. Of course this brought some urgency to the situation. They found their way to me. I helped them do what I call an “energy budget.” More specifically, I helped the wife find some energy for her husband. We did this with me encouraging more babysitting, helped them find ways to get the older child to bed earlier and helped him develop a better approach that would make him more inviting to her.
As for the co-worker, he clearly set boundaries with her after our first visit together and she quickly became a non-issue in our work together. They were better off and the healing was relatively quick and easy. Another happy ending that happened in large part because of the husband’s honesty and the couple’s willingness to make the necessary changes.
Infidelity is an Interpersonal Crime!
One of the more common things I do is help couples who have experienced infidelity survive and even thrive. As I have said before, the great majority of these couples are successful in treatment. However, I am clear on one thing- cheating and all the secrecy and deception that goes with it steals from the betrayed partner. It steals a very important right- the right to have information in order to make a good decision. You cannot make a good decision without information. I know you would not want your physician to make major decisions about your health without blood tests, x-rays, MRI’s or other ways to obtain information. Only with that information can your doctor make a good decision. Another example- imagine driving up to an intersection in your automobile without looking both ways and ahead of you, looking to see what color the traffic light is or if there is a stop sign for you or the drivers going perpendicular to you. It would be ridiculous. You need that information in order to not get killed or severely injured.
Cheaters are not bad people; they are not evil. However, they are not thinking about the interpersonal crime they are committing on their partner. Or they decide that being this interpersonal criminal is justified. (It never is). We all need to think of others as well as ourselves. If you want to be with someone else, you have a right to be. However, let your committed partner know about it so that he or she could make the right decision for him or herself. It is that simple. Having your cake and eating it too is not a reality and is no more a reality when it comes to these kinds of choices.
I remember anti-smoking commercials that were on TV a few years ago. It said- “Quitting is hard. Not quitting is harder.” In the realm of infidelity vs. transparency and honesty- Telling the truth is hard. Secrets are (eventually) harder.
Partners Who Cheat are Not Looking for Another Lover
Did I just say that?
Yes I did!
People who cheat really looking for a different self and I explain why in detail in this short video.
Watch the video and get a better idea of what people who cheat are looking for. It will help you to understand why people cheat and see why you shouldn’t take their actions personally.
I don’t want to diminish the fact that there is pain involved when affairs happen.
Only when you start to understand WHY the cheating occurs can you get to the root of the problem and begin the healing process.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
The # 1 Way To Prevent Infidelity
I have written and talked much about the many factors that can contribute to infidelity. However, there is one way to prevent infidelity that trumps all others. OPEN AND COURAGEOUS COMMUNICATION. The biggest problem with interpersonal relationships is that we suppress, hold back and hide our feelings, preferences and desires that we think may provoke the other person or “get us in trouble.” By observing my clients, I have discovered that conflict avoidance is one of the more common antecedents to infidelity.
1) Ask yourself- what is something that is difficult to share with my partner?
2) What is my biggest fear about sharing it?
3) What do I want that I have overlooked in order to have peace even at my expense?
4) What is something crucial to my wellbeing that I do not get from my spouse?
You then need to sit with your partner and have a conversation that allows for more open communication. If there is a lot of resistance, you may want to think of getting a seasoned therapist such as myself that will help you both broaden your communication channels. Creating a relationship that allows for more self-expression for both people is going to be the best prevention strategy against any future affairs.
Why There is So Much Infidelity?
Infidelity is very common and a good portion of my practice consists of people coming to see me after discovering there has been an extramarital relationship. The question is why? I am going to give my best partial answer, partial because it is such a big question and I as well as other experts in the field can write volumes on this question. However, for the purpose of this brief writing, I will list these 5 IMPORTANT reasons:
1) It is only in our recent marriage history that we have such higher expectations of our committed relationships. The purpose of couplehood has shifted from survival to financial, home management and parental management to –Let’s have all that plus passion, sex and great communication.
2) We use infidelity as an emotional regulation strategy. Please see other of my blogs that discuss the different factors of infidelity such as affirmation, acting out anger, fear of abandonment (not putting all our eggs in one basket in case the basket falls), etc.
3) People generally are reactionary and wait too long to come in for help instead of attending to relationship problems early.
4) Some people are developmentally too immature for solving interpersonal problems in ways that work for both partners.
5) The old rules of monogamy don’t work very well. They are set up so that couples cannot communicate their tough feelings such as natural healthy ambivalence about being in a committed relationship, natural attraction towards other people, their secret sexual fantasies, etc.
Each of these 5 reasons can usually be remedied with good relationship counseling with a qualified therapist. It actually is possible to have all that I mentioned in Reason # 1. We can learn how to manage our emotions more effectively. We can learn how to tune in earlier to our emotional, physical and relationship symptoms to prevent more crises such as infidelity. Almost all of us can “grow up” and learn how to take care of ourselves while simultaneously taking care of our partner. Lastly, we can learn how to open up our marriage (I am not talking about open marriage or polygamy), so that there is more permission for both people to discover and express their emotional and sexual selves.
5 Ways Cheating Cheats the Cheater
You might be surprised to hear it but the betrayed partner isn’t the only person who is hurt by infidelity.
The cheater is actually in a lot of pain too.
I’ve seen this over and over again in my practice helping hundreds of couples dealing with the aftermath of infidelity.
The partner who cheats is likely suffering from both guilt and low esteem.
Watch this short video where I talk about 5 most common ways cheating robs the cheater of living a joyful and happy life.
Genetic Causes of Infidelity (and Gingivitis)
As a professor, I have been discussing the role that hormones and neurochemistry play in attraction, bonding and sexuality in my Human Sexuality class. Brendon Zietsch, a psychologist in the University of Queensland in Australia says: “Women who carry certain variants of the vasopressin receptor gene are much more likely to engage in “extra pair bonding,” the scientific euphemism for sexual infidelity.” There are many studies that confirm that oxytocin and vasopressin (hormones) are linked to partner bonding, which are directly correlated with the issue of promiscuity since emotional bonding is, in a sense, the inverse of promiscuity. His study found five different variants of the vasopressin gene that significantly correlated with infidelity in women, not men. There was no relationship between oxytocin and increased or decreased infidelity.
I am sure there is much more research to be done and this researcher as well as any other people who are in this work know that there are many other personal, relationship and environmental factors that could lead to infidelity. Just because a woman may have one of the genetic variants of vasopressin that may predispose them to infidelity and less partner bonding does not mean she cannot make the choice to overcome her impulses. It is just a more uphill battle for those women perhaps.
Do you know that there is a gene for predisposing to gum disease. I have it. What do I do? I do great dental hygiene. As a matter of fact I just had my cleaning appointment today and my teeth and gums are in excellent shape!!!
So, the point here is that we should not overlook the genetic vulnerabilities that people have and we are definitely not all equally vulnerable in any particular area of life. However, we can still choose to overcome our own genetics to a great degree at times to live a better life, a more evolved life and a life that works for everyone involved.
Evolutionary Psychology and Lust, Romance and Attachment
The three different brain pathways of intimacy
Modern research on couples has shown that there are three types of intimacy in relationships all with different brain pathways, different body chemicals involved and different energies. Lust happens in the very beginning of most courtships. This stage lasts roughly about 6 months of a new relationship. Romantic love may follow if there is good physical or emotional chemistry between two people. This stage lasts roughly about 4 years, which evolutionary principles state is enough time to procreate and raise a child to toddler age. With multiple children, it roughly lasts about 7 years so that the family is preserved and the male can help the female in the children’s’ younger years. (It is that way in some animal species as well and then the male will leave and start a new family with another female).
Have you heard the term “the seven year itch?” Well now you have a new definition of it. It is the end of the romantic love stage. For the couples that stay together, they now enter the attachment stage. Below are some facts for each stage:
1. The Lust Stage
- Craving for sexual union with almost any partner.
- Sexual attraction without necessarily liking
- Testosterone, Dopamine driven
2. The Romantic Love Stage
- Sexual attraction with liking
- Elation and obsession that enables a person to focus attention on one partner at a time, conserving energy and time.
- Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Serotonin
3. The Attachment Stage
- Liking without necessarily sexual attraction
- A feeling of calm, peace and security which motivated our ancestors to love this partner long enough to raise their young
- Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Serotonin
- Loving couples are also good caregivers for each other
Let me add something to the above. It is possible to have the best of the romantic and attachment love stages. The psychologist, Robert Sternberg calls it “Consummate Love.” Of course – this concept is the topic of my next week’s article. Stay tuned!
Relationships that Survived and Thrived After Infidelity
How Cheating Cheats the Cheater
Ashley Madison and Your Marriage
“Life is short. Have an affair.”
This is the motto of the Ashley Madison site; a site where married partners can supposedly meet other married people discreetly and have an affair.
Of course, as we have learned in the news, due to hacking as well as pure technology, there is less discreteness than some of the consumers of the site have hoped for. I have had more than one female client of mine in recent weeks let me know that they found their partner’s information on the site. But that is besides the point of this article. In this article, I want to express why Ashley Madison is so successful and yet another obstacle in my personal bold attack on the limiting idea that long term marriage and passionate sex do not go together. It is my privilege and my intense desire to spread the word that we can be trailblazers and realize that my first book, The Long HOT Marriage is NOT a fairy tale; rather it is a testament to the amazing creativity inherent in most all of us to have the kind of alive and stimulating long term relationship that we never saw our parents have.
We live longer than ever; we have a longer mid-life than ever. It is a midlife where we feel the need for passion and stimulation well into our later years. When relationships get stale (and typically our role models have taught us exactly how to make relationships become stale), there are many ways for people to get titillation the easy way- secretively using the Internet to meet other people who are new and more stimulating than our current partner. Ashley Madison, especially recently, has become the most visible vehicle for partners to do this. Let’s face it- we want to be aroused. With a click on the computer, not only can we see porn, but also we can meet others who are just as interested in being aroused as we are. As a matter of fact, we so much want to be titillated that many if not most people that use Ashley Madison, don’t ever meet anybody. It is just the idea of beginning the search process that can be so exciting for some, that they spend a lot of time doing just that. In my research for this article, I read that there are allegations and apparently proof that most of the females do not even exist; they apparently are fake names. (You can Google and read up on this). The actual act of searching and emailing can be very titillating.
The well-known story about the former Notre Dame football player, Manti Te’o, who now plays for the San Diego Chargers, illustrates the power of the Internet to pull people in even if there is not a real person. Manti developed an online relationship with this woman who he claims he fell in love with and it turns out that there was no such woman. It was a fake prank that went on for a long period of time.
Of course, there also are actual meetings taking place between people through Ashley Madison. As with all other types of infidelity, the long-term results of this are always poor. Cheaters get found out and marriages and families suffer greatly. Ashley Madison is in my way! If there were fewer exits, maybe intimate partners would be forced to actually become intimate. Avoidance is the biggest interpersonal human problem we have. If there were no exits; no way for people to easily get titillated in secrecy, maybe sexually and emotionally frustrated partners would start a real and challenging conversation with their partners. Maybe they would get some quality professional help to assist the couple to break out of stuck patterns and help launch the couple to new heights of aliveness and passion. I see couples shifting in this positive way all the time. Ashley Madison gives people an exit, a way out so that they do not have to do the harder, but ultimately more satisfying work of making their current relationship more exciting.
I urge you to get very intentional about developing a creative monogamous relationship with your spouse. Be bold and do not set artificial limits on your relationship that are based on your current limited thinking that you probably inherited from others. You don’t need Ashley Madison to do the work for you to get stimulated and to feel young again. Take charge of your own relationship and ask more of yourself and your partner! The capacity for loving, passionate intimacy is far greater than what we have been showed by our ancestors.
Be a trailblazer.
Shut off your computer and look at the person who you sleep with and begin communicating. I think I am going to do the same thing right now!
I’ve just released my newest resource to help couples heal from infidelity – 10 Steps to Healing From Infidelity, get a copy and find out the 10 steps that will help you or a loved one start healing from infidelity today.
CLICK HERE to get your FREE copy today!
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Todd Creager is an experienced relationship therapist, specializing in marriage, sex and couples counseling. From increasing intimacy, to overcoming infidelity, Todd has helped countless couples overcome the issues that they face. Author of the Long Hot Marriage, and Love, Sex and Karaoke: 52 Ways to Ignite your Love Life, Todd spends much of his time helping long-term partners create passionate and thriving relationships. He provides unique and powerful insights that lead to breakthroughs which result in his clients getting closer to each other and getting the love they want.
Get a free copy of his 7 Keys to a Phenomenal Relationship and start turning up the heat in your relationship today.
Five Rules of Fidelity
I talk a lot about how to heal from infidelity and I have helped a lot of couples thrive after this interpersonal crisis. Having said that, being faithful to your spouse or committed partner has many advantages. These advantages include
- No guilt or anxiety about secrets
- It is easier to feel closer to your mate
- You can focus on creating a phenomenal intimate life with your partner as you “grow up” together with no exits such as extramarital relationships.
So here are the 5 Rules of Fidelity and if you follow these rules, you will have the best chance at having a happy long-term faithful committed relationship.
- Spend 10 quality minutes (at the minimum of course) with your partner where you both focus on each other’s feelings, emotions and desires. Being physically affectionate with each other during these 10 minutes works as well! Do this daily!!!
- Be willing to talk about the tough stuff with each other. Reveal things that are difficult to share even if you are concerned about his or her reaction.. This action cuts down significantly on the chance of acting out some of these more (shadowy) sides of your personality.
- If you need or want to talk to someone from the opposite sex, let your partner know and make sure your spouse gets a chance to meet this person if possible. If this other person, (whether it is an old friend, colleague, etc.) is unwilling to meet your spouse, then you need to be unwilling to meet your old friend or colleague alone. That is a red flag sign that the other person does not respect your committed relationship.
- If you need to go out of town for a while, contact your intimate partner frequently and while you are away, be wary of drinking too much or using any drugs that can interfere with your judgment.
- Think about the long-term effects of giving in to temptation. I actually mean- take some time to think about the benefits of being faithful and the pain of being unfaithful even if it means saying no to some temporary pleasure. Thinking about it beforehand can actually help us have good judgment even when faced with temptation.
Following these 5 rules of fidelity is really about creating an optimal, amazing, alive, passionate relationship. Be focused on that goal and do not let other people or even your more shadowy sides of yourself interfere with what you truly want for the long term.
I’ve just released my newest resource to help couples heal from infidelity – 10 Steps to Healing From Infidelity, get a copy and find out the 10 steps that will help you or a loved one start healing from infidelity today.
CLICK HERE to get your FREE copy today!
Why Women Cheat
I’ve been helping couples survive and thrive after infidelity for 30+ years in my practice.
Over the years I have noticed that there is a difference between why women cheat and why men cheat. Watch the video below where I explain the three reasons why women cheat.
I have one piece of advice for women: don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner and tell him what you need. Looking for more resources on infidelity? Check out my infidelity resource page here on my website.
I have a 90% success rate helping couples survive and even thrive after their relationship has suffered from one or both partners cheating.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
I’ve just released my newest resource to help couples heal from infidelity – 10 Steps to Healing From Infidelity, get a copy and find out the 10 steps that will help you or a loved one start healing from infidelity today.
CLICK HERE to get your FREE copy today!
Facebook and Infidelity
I have come across several studies that say about 1 in 5 people flirt using Facebook. My practice is filled with couples that called me due to infidelity that started with social media. I love social media myself. It is good for my business and it is fun for personal reasons. But it can be dangerous. It can be dangerous because:
- It is so easily accessible.
- There are people from our past that we can easily find since so many people are on Facebook.
- Intimate relationships inevitable go through rough spots and it is so easy to soothe our pains via contacts on social media.
- Private messaging is a great an easy way to be up close and personal.
Put all this together and Facebook as well as other social media can be a real threat to relationships. Private messaging to and ex-girlfriend or “close” personal friend from the opposite sex in order to get emotional support or some titillation instantly gives you a secret to keep from your spouse and puts some distance between you and your partner. And that is whether the “outside the marriage” relationship gets into the physical realm or not. As I have said so many times before, secrets are silent killers of relationships and social media can be the start of hiding and secrets.
I have a male client who was playing “Words with Friends “ and the female stranger he was playing with started playing with only sexual words. He engaged back and- poof- he had a secret. His wife saw that and it caused major distrust. And he was caught at that point before things could go any further. So, yes, even Words with Friends can be dangerous to relationships- depending on your boundaries.
My advice on this is to do the work of improving your relationship with your real (not virtual) intimate partner. Don’t take the easy way out. And enjoy the online world, but be careful. There are a lot of bored or dissatisfied people out there that can pull certain people into their web. Be strong, be attentive and be transparent with your intimate partner!
Need more help?
- Check out my resource page on infidelity here: https://toddcreager.com/surviveinfidelity/
- Here’s another resource I’ve created to help couples heal from infidelity – 10 Steps to Healing From Infidelity, get a copy and find out the 10 steps that will help you or a loved one start healing from infidelity today.
CLICK HERE to get your FREE copy today!
3 Feelings Couples Experience in a Successful Relationship
We have a whole range of feelings that we experience throughout our days as well as with our partner. However, there are three feelings I can think of that happy couples feel a lot.
The first one I will mention is courage. Actually courage is an essential feeling to get us to take the action necessary to create a happy, vibrant relationship. With courage, you try new things with your partner in and out of the bedroom. With courage, you reveal your inner world to your partner and are interested in your partner’s. This leads to the feelings of closeness and positive intensity that makes relationships come alive.
Secondly, there are feelings of security. Joy, pleasure, vulnerability and deep connection occurs in an atmosphere of safety and trust. Being faithful, having no secrets, making it safe to express feelings even painful ones and being cooperative “teammates” all contribute to feelings of security between the partners.
Lastly, there are feelings of excitement. When you utilize your courage in an atmosphere of security, it allows for ever-new experiences. You both plan out your life to have fun activities that you both look forward to. In addition, you can be spontaneous with each other as you have interactions that could be stimulating, humorous and pleasurable. There is an element of playfulness that keeps the relationship fresh as well as exciting.
If you are not experiencing these feelings on some consistent basis, this can almost always change. Typically it is the old patterns of thinking, speaking and behaving that block us from the interpersonal creativeness it takes to experience our courage, feelings of security and excitement. As many of you know, I have worked with couples that have had deep wounds such as infidelity. And yes, there are ways to heal and experience the positive emotions that I have discussed here even in these relationships. I have seen couples create relationships that allow for these positive feelings over and over again. So, look forward, be creative and make it happen!
3 Questions to Ask Yourself if You’re in a Toxic Relationship (and TODAY’S free teleseminar info below)
If you find yourself feeling consistent pain in your relationship, you need to investigate where the pain comes from. Does it come from your past and you are being triggered? Is your partner mistreating you, controlling you, abusing you or neglecting you? What do you need to take responsibility for and what responsibility do you need to punt over to your partner? Some partners who are in unhealthy toxic relationships take the blame way too quickly and make excuses for their partner. Here are 3 questions to ask yourself if you are in a seemingly toxic relationship.
1) Do I feel better about myself when my partner is not around and if I do, is it because of me and my issues or him (or her)? If you dread seeing your partner, it may be because your self-esteem is lowered in his or her presence. Now, we cannot make this too simple; every situation is different. For example, you may be around a really good person and you may not feel you deserve him or her and feel inadequate. That is not a toxic relationship. But if you take a look at it and decide that you feel less than okay because of your partner’s treatment of you, then I would follow that up with question # 2.
2) How can I change my behavior to challenge my partner and see if he or she has the potential to shift to healthier patterns? Sometimes it means you need to be more assertive or possibly get more support from friends and family. Change yourself first and see what happens. If you discover your partner is unwilling or unable to shift, here is another good question to ask yourself:
3) If you leave the relationship, what might your life look like and feel like one or two years from now? Does it feel freeing? Find ways to motivate yourself to take the courageous step to leave and of course you want to learn how to attract a different kind of partner in the future.
Remember that I am always here to help (live or via Skype) because these shifts in yourself and/or your relationship have a much better chance of happening when you have professional support.
TONIGHT’S NO-COST EVENT:
Do you know ANYONE who is experiencing the pain of a recent or even not so recent infidelity? If you or someone you know is dealing with this painful issue, I have a free call coming up that can definitely help you (or whomever) get on the path of healing and recovery.
What happens when partners cheat? Partners cheat for a variety of reasons in a relationship… An important thing I do is to help people do is decipher the message of the affair. Once we understand the message, we can look at possible solutions that make sense to help the couple heal and rebuild their relationship. On this call I’ll cover the 5 things you need to know in order to recover from infidelity:
I’ve had a 90% success rate helping couples recover from infidelity so you’ll definitely want to join me for this call. I’ll share my sure-fire tips to prevent infidelity happening the first time or again. Register and join me live for the call. Ask me your questions, you’ll be totally anonymous. When Partners Cheat Free Call Thursday May 7th 7:00pm PT | 8:00pm MT | 9:00pm CT | 10:00pm ET Sign up here and you’ll get the phone number and access code. Don’t worry if this date doesn’t work for you, I’ll be sending you the recording of the call. |
Is Watching Porn in a Relationship Really Considered Cheating?
Cheating involves putting intimate energy into another person. Being physically present with someone outside of the committed relationship is one way of putting intimate energy into another whether it is emotional or physical intimacy ( or both). Also, texting, emailing, phoning, chatting on the web and soliciting on the web with live people are all ways of interacting with others that betray the committed relationship. A secret is always involved when it comes to cheating.
Porn often is done in secrecy and that, I would say, is not healthy for the relationship. If there is porn, it is better for there to be an openness about it but that topic is for another week. However, porn that does not involve direct contact with a 3 dimensional human being is not cheating. In this scenario, you are not saying or doing things with another person that should only be reserved for your committed partner. Ask the typical betrayed partner who just found out the partner cheated with another person if it feels the same as if he or she just caught the partner watching an x-rated video. Both situations may make the partner feel pain, but the degree of betrayal does not compare.
The slope is not as slippery either with porn. For example, flirting online has a likelihood of leading to more intense cheating, much more so than watching porn can lead to more serious problems. I am not saying that watching porn will not lead to more problems; it could. I am saying that the likelihood of porn being a slippery slope is less than beginning intimate interactions of any sort with a real live human being.
Keep in mind that this article is not saying that porn is good (or that it is bad). The article is merely stating the opinion of a person who has worked in this field for decades- porn is not the same thing as cheating. I would LOVE to hear your comments on this debatable topic.
Need more help?
- Check out my resource page on infidelity here: https://toddcreager.com/surviveinfidelity/
- Here’s another resource I’ve created to help couples heal from infidelity – 10 Steps to Healing From Infidelity, get a copy and find out the 10 steps that will help you or a loved one start healing from infidelity today.
CLICK HERE to get your FREE copy today!
Why Emotional Cheating Hurts More For Women Than Physical Cheating
Cheating is hurtful, period. Cheating means there is a secret, a double life of some sort. However if you are asking me, a marriage therapist who has worked with thousands of couples dealing with infidelity, what hurts more – physical or emotional cheating, I have a clear answer. Emotional cheating hurts more; actually significantly more. Betrayal is hurtful enough; however when the female believes that the male has deep feelings for another woman, that hurts even deeper. Most women thrive on the emotional connection with their partner. That is the foundation of their aliveness; not the sexual connection. The sexual connection flows directly from the emotional connection. I have seen women respond painfully but overall not as painfully when they hear the words -” I had no feelings for that woman; it was pure sex.” Not good but clearly not as devastating for most women. Feel free to agree or disagree and respond with your own comments back to me via email or posting.