Find out a simple process can help you on the road to healing in your life and in your relationship. Get help and breakthrough from trauma and drama, to find more peace of mind. Todd Creager is a relationship expert and therapist in the Orange County area. Located in Huntington Beach, Todd serves the Laguna Beach, Newport Beach, and Corona del Mar areas. Contact him today to talk about overcoming trauma and improving relationships in your life.
Healing
Episode #25: Healing from Childhood Trauma
Trauma of any nature is a very touchy subject and not one that many therapists speak publicly about. It’s a big issue according to the Journal of Traumatic Stress. According to a study in North Carolina 68% of children and adolescents experienced at least one potentially traumatic event by the age of 16. So I feel it is important that I speak about it publicly.
Today’s podcast is a case study about how EMDR helped heal a relationship where one of the partners was carrying around the effects of sexual trauma as a child. This may or may not be for you and if it is, I encourage you to watch the video here where I talk about how it was affecting the relationship.
And I promise there is a happy ending!
If you know anyone who is struggling in their relationship because of trauma, infidelity or other issues…please share this with them. Let them know that there is hope and there is help!
Contact marriage and sex therapist Todd Creager in Huntington Beach for more on sexual trauma and counseling for a variety of relationship issues. Serving all of Orange County, as well as appointments via skype.
Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse
I have had many clients who have come to me with symptoms that stem from childhood sexual abuse. This is not a total list but the symptoms include:
- Low sexual desire
- Sexual acting out
- PTSD symptoms that include Hyperarousal, Re-experiencing the trauma via nightmares or flashbacks, Emotional restricting and/or numbness and Negative self-image
- Intimacy avoidance
- Interpersonal passivity
People who have been sexually abused have learned falsely that their needs do not matter. If caretakers minimized the experienced or worse yet blamed the child, the sexual abuse victim learned to not trust people, especially with their emotional pain. These beliefs and patterns continue into their adult intimate relationships. It is very tragic and I have such compassion for people who experience this trauma.
However, here is the good news. People can and do heal from childhood sexual abuse. I feel honored and am grateful for the opportunity to assist people in this healing process. Here are 7 helpful tips to help sexual abuse victims heal:
- Find a therapist to help you process the painful memories. A compassionate therapist who is skilled in this area of treatment is crucial for learning to move past the abuse and reclaim your healthy adult self.
- Let go of any guilt or shame if you experienced any pleasure from these experiences. It is normal to have some pleasure due to sexual/bodily stimulation; it is a physical reaction that is not in your control. You may have also had some pleasure from feeling close to the perpetrator or special to him or her. Having a mixture of painful feelings along with pleasurable ones is totally understandable.
- Relearn healthy touch. (I will talk about this in more detail in a future post). When sexually abused, a person has learned to associate touch with shame or hiding. You can relearn healthy touch with a willing partner so that you can associate touch with feelings of safety, of being in control and of feeling loved and cared for.
- You may want to think about joining a support group with other people who were victims of sexual molest. These support groups have been shown to be very helpful in helping people process and feel a sense of self-worth.
- There are some excellent books on this including what has become somewhat of a classic- The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis.
- Find a good EMDR therapist in your area. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is an approach that helps clients relatively quickly heal from past trauma. Personally, I became a certified EMDR therapist because of this very topic. As a person who specializes in helping people with low sexual desire, I was having just marginal success with those who had been victims of sexual abuse as a child. I researched the literature and discovered the evidence-based treatment of EMDR and immersed myself in the training and eventually got certified. I have had absolutely wonderful results in helping victims reclaim their lives and their healthy sexuality and often in just a handful of sessions. (The length of healing time often has to do with the extent, frequency and duration of the abuse). A therapist who does EMDR can be your one-stop therapist and it is probably better to have one therapist as opposed to a therapist who then refers you to a second therapist who does EMDR.
- Practice being what I call healthily selfish. Think about what you want both in and out of the bedroom. As a victim, you had to adapt to the perpetrator’s needs. As a survivor and “thriver”, you can ask others to adapt to your needs and be in more reciprocal, mutual relationships. That goes for platonic friendships as well.
If you have had this experience, reach out. There is no need to work this out on your own. I have had many first hand gratifying experiences of assisting and seeing victims heal and thrive. Intimacy is sought after rather than avoided, healthy sexual activity can become a regular part of their lives and there are significant increases in self-esteem and feelings of wellbeing.
Gratefulness Can Make you Healthy, Wealthy and Sexy
So, the number one self-healing thing I do is not healthy eating and not exercise. It is practicing being grateful. I even am practicing gratefulness right now as I sit having just watched my team; the LA Dodgers lose in the 7th game of a World Series. Now that takes some doing! Why is being grateful so important?
Feeling grateful leads to your blood vessels dilating, your cortisol lowering, and your muscles relaxing. A grateful person feels safe and a grateful person feels happy. This leads to much greater health and longevity.
Regarding wealth, I practice the saying- “Be grateful for what you have AND for what you don’t have yet.” I imagine the life I love including more wealth and allow myself to FEEL grateful from head to toe as if this wealth has already happened. From this grateful place, I ask myself what ideas I may have to move me toward this goal in which I already feel grateful. I will tell you that I know this for sure- the ideas that come to me from this grateful place are far more powerful, courageous and effective than if I were not coming from this grateful place. In other words, by feeling grateful, it leads to more ways of contributing to society and ultimately more wealth back to me.
Lastly, feeling grateful gives me the sense of wellbeing that makes me feel more attractive. It also helps me see my partner as more attractive as I am grateful for her. My feeling grateful leads to me doing and saying things that bring out my wife’s sexiness and of course that lead to a sexy, passionate marriage.
I will be talking about gratefulness in more detail this month. Let me get back to my first paragraph. I do work out regularly and I do eat healthy 88% of the time. They are important contributors to self-healing. But with practicing gratefulness, I have more energy to do better workouts and it is easier for me to make good food choices. And as for how I seemed to deal with my Dodgers losing a close and tough World Series so easily- I decided to turn my thoughts to writing this article about gratefulness and realized how grateful I am for being able to write about a topic so important to me!
Breaking Free from the 5 Dysfunctional Roles
5 Tips for Spotting Toxic Relationships by Looking at Ourselves
Is my relationship toxic?
I have been asked this question many times by clients. So, how do you know if your relationship is toxic? Sometimes it is obvious.
If your partner is yelling or screaming at you, physically abusing you, calling you names or cursing at you regularly, it is pretty easy to figure out.
However, often, it is way subtler than that.
When it is subtle, not only is it harder to get out of the toxic relationship but also the victim feels guilty for how he or she feels.
Here is my message to you. The answer to your question rests inside of you. Your feelings, sensations and inner sense will be your roadmap.
Two disclaimers- First, there are multiple reasons you may feel a certain way so you need to look at the whole picture and possible a number of the tips below to help you get clearer rather than just jump to a conclusion if one tip resonates.
Second, each partner in a relationship affects the other and it is important to look at your patterns to see what you are evoking on the other person. This is not to blame yourself or take responsibility for another person’s hurtful behavior.
However, you still need to understand that we all are reacting to each other and we all need to be mindful and conscious of our effects on other people including our intimate partner.
Nevertheless, not all relationships are right or good for you. Here are 5 tips for spotting toxic relationships by looking at yourself.
1) You constantly feel low self esteem around this other person even though you generally feel good about yourself around other people.
2) You are overly adaptive and feel like if you are assertive you will be punished or shamed in some way. With this, there is also a tendency to feel as if you are always “walking on eggshells.”
3) You have given up doing many things that give you energy such as hobbies you used to do or see friends you enjoyed being with.
4) You keep fantasizing about leaving the relationship and when you do imagine your exit, you feel relieved, enlivened, free or all of the above.
5) You have a sense that something is not right, doesn’t add up or is missing for you in the relationship.
Of course, look at your own patterns that pre-date the relationship.
Make the changes you need to make because you DO have something to do with what is going on. At the same time, trust your instincts and if you are experiencing some of the things I mentioned above, take it seriously and act on your own behalf.
If you are having trouble exiting a toxic relationship, please contact me. I have helped hundreds of people become free from a toxic situation.
You deserve to be healthy, happy and free to be you.
Healing from Trauma: Getting Past Your Past
Relationships struggle from time to time; it happens. However, if you or a loved one consistently are impeded in your emotional well-being, you might be suffering from trauma. It can be trauma from your childhood, more recent, or even from your relationship itself. No matter how difficult, healing can happen.
Check out the latest technique I’ve been learning about that helps quickly erase the effects of living the pain over and over again, and helps you get back to the process of living.
Watch this video and get ready to get healing.
Healing from a Broken Heart
Just about all of us have experienced heartbreak. We can literally feel the pain in our heart when someone breaks up with us. How can we get over this pain and move on? Here are 5 steps towards healing from a broken heart.
- Feel your feelings; don’t avoid them by going quickly into another relationship or drugs or alcohol. Avoidance will only belabor your anguish. Slow down and spend time feeling what you are experiencing. Cry if you need to; there is always a beginning, middle and end to emotional pain and heartbreak.
- Make sure you utilize your support system to talk about your pain. Use this time as an opportunity to let others be there for you.
- If you notice a pattern of picking the wrong kind of partner, get into therapy so that you can prepare yourself to choose a better potential partner in the future.
- Decide to learn as much about the “recessive” parts of you that were not expressed in previous relationships so that you can integrate those parts of you into future relationships. For example, if you discover that you have been too passive or adaptive in past relationships and have attracted controlling people, you can practice being assertive and become a “force to be reckoned with.” You may find yourself being attracted to less controlling, more reciprocating people in the future.
- When ready, get out there again with your new sense of self and be willing to ask for more from any prospective partner. Practice being that force to be reckoned with and have good boundaries. Open yourself up to love and joy again.
3 Ways Caring Relationships Can Help a Trauma Survivor
Newborns and young babies depend on their caretakers to regulate their emotions until their brain is sufficiently developed to be able to regulate more on their own. When a person goes through a trauma, there is cortisol shooting through the person’s system and is it difficult to regulate feelings and like the newborn can benefit greatly from supportive caring interpersonal relationships. One of the most accepted and researched psychological theories is attachment theory which basically states that the primary motivation for a person the moment he or she is born to attach other people. Attachment theory also states that as a person develops what is called a secure attachment, he or she is better able to attach to others later in life and just as importantly be able to soothe and regulate his or her emotional self. Given that there is such a close relationship between connecting in healthy ways to others and being in emotional balance, here are 3 ways caring relationships can help a trauma survivor.
- People who have a caring network of family and friends can often regain their sense of orientation and emotional control without developing symptoms of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. These people often recover and can return to pre-trauma functioning more quickly.
- People who don’t have a caring support system can hopefully find a good therapist who understands trauma and can help that person process it. This person may have developed insecure attachments when younger but still has the opportunity with an effective therapist to experience a secure relationship with the therapist which can generalize to others in the future thereby giving this person a new chance to have future nurturing relationships. This describes a concept called post-traumatic growth whereby the person ends up in better shape post trauma than even pre-trauma.
- Interpersonal neurobiology is a new and rich field that describes the relationship between how we connect with others and how our neurons connect in our brain. Caring relationships after a trauma can actually help a person rewire his brain (this is called plasticity, the ability of the brain to adapt to their environment in positive or negative ways). Whereas we know that some medications can help a person alleviate depression or anxiety after a trauma, we now know that positive relationships can have similar effects on the brain.
For some people when they go through a trauma, they actually feel out of control and try to go through it alone because it is difficult, embarrassing or anxiety provoking to be seen in that condition. Now the research is showing that the best way to recover from trauma is in community and not going solo. We need to be there for each other when going through trauma or crisis and as it turns out- love still is the best medicine!
5 Steps to Recover from the Emotional Trauma of Abuse
Whether it is physical, sexual or verbal abuse, victims have emotional wounds. If these wounds make it difficult to move on or you repeat the same victimization over and over again, or you avoid future relationships because of the past, you may have PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. The four signs of PTSD as described in the DSM5, the newest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual are:
- Negative Alterations of Cognition and Mood i.e.- feeling that you are bad or a terrible person, feeling that everyone is dangerous, being depressed or anxious, etc.)
- Hyperarousal- feeling agitated, startling easy, hypervigilance
- Avoidance- isolating yourself, avoiding intimate relationships
- Re-experiencing (flashbacks, nightmares)
The good news is that people can recover from emotional trauma that comes from abuse whether they have PTSD or just struggling with past abuse. Here are 5 steps to help you recover if you have experienced this trauma.
- Get support from people you can trust. You need acknowledgement and a sense that you are not alone. The support can come from friends, family, support groups, domestic violence shelters or psychotherapists such as myself. The more support, the better.
- Unless the abuser gets into treatment with a willingness to “own” his abusive behavior and make changes, get out of the relationship or at least leave it for now. You cannot recover from the emotional trauma of abuse if you are still getting abused. Use your support system, to help you leave or demand that your partner gets help with or without you.
- Definitely find a good therapist that will help you feel safe and accepted and then that will ultimately help you tell your story and face the trauma.
- Make sure the therapist is doing an effective treatment for overcoming trauma such as EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).
- Get engaged in health promoting behaviors and a lifestyle that will help you become more comfortable in your own body. Meditation and yoga are particularly wonderful to help you slow down your thinking, feel your body and get to know yourself in new and wonderful ways. Artistic endeavors such as painting, drawing, singing and playing an instrument all help you integrate the trauma into your healthy self so that it does not define you anymore.
Abuse can destroy a person’s sense of safety and self esteem. The good news is that by following these 5 steps, there is a way out of the trauma. You deserve to be free to live fully and not be frozen in time due to somebody else’s abusive or neglectful behavior towards you. You deserve to get past your past and enjoy healthier more nurturing relationships whether it is with the person you are with who has decided to grow up and become a better person or with somebody else.
Verbal Abuse Can Be Subtle and Traumatic
This article will be written as if the males are the abusers and the females are the victims, which is true according to research the majority of the time. However, if you are a male that is the victim or a female who is the perpetrator, please just swap the pronouns in your head.
It is easy to understand that sexual and physical abuse can be traumatic. It is also easy to understand that severe verbal abuse (i.e.-yelling, name calling) can be traumatic. However, there are more subtle types of verbal abuse that can be equally traumatic. The abuser could be doing verbal abuse consciously or unconsciously.
The underlying purpose of the abuse is often to make sure the abuser gets his way, stays in control, avoids being the vulnerable one or can believe he is “right.” The victim of the abuse is often the more pliable of the two, trying to adapt and adjust to the relationship situation to make it work. Here are some of the statements I have heard from victims of subtle verbal abuse:
- “I don’t know, maybe he is right; maybe it is me.”
- “I always feel like I am walking on eggshells around him.”
- “I always feel like I am the crazy one.”
One particular couple I was seeing was comprised of a very emotional female and a very repressed, yet successful male. She would express some very legitimate feelings about some real issues in the relationship (this was during the session). He deflected her important statements and said some complaints about her that also were true. She got more agitated because he was not listening and then he said that this emotionality is what makes him think of divorce. At that point, he looked at me and said- “You see the crazy person I live with?” And I responded- “Yes and I see the ‘crazymaking person’ she lives with.” If you could imagine, that was an interesting session that continued with the hope that this subtle verbal abuse (it was subtle until he called her crazy) would be recognized by him as provocative and unacceptable.
The verbal abuser has a hard time owning his own stuff. The victim often takes too much responsibility for the relationship problems. If you recognize yourself as a victim or a perpetrator of subtle verbal abuse, do yourself a great favor and get some professional help. Subtle verbal abuse can deprive both partners of a healthy and robust marriage. It saps the emotional and physical health of each person, especially the victim. It can trigger old wounds and deprives those involved of a healthy self-esteem. Low self-esteem can affect how people are in their other relationships and it can lower the chance of career and financial success. Please address this problem. There is reason to hope!
How Childhood Trauma Can Ruin Your Current Relationship and How to Heal So It Doesn’t
As a therapist, I deal with couples that are having challenges in their relationship. As a professor at the USC School of Social Work, I teach graduate students the relationship between early developmental childhood trauma and the emotional, behavioral and cognitive symptoms that clients present when they come see the student interns for therapy. One of the things I teach my students is that the brain develops in the first few years of life to adapt to the family who raises them. For example, a person who was brought up in a family where the parent was inconsistently present may grow up unable to self-soothe and calm down. This person might create drama in the current relationship even when it is unnecessary because of the drama and turmoil she was used to growing up. Another person may grow up in a family where feelings were ignored and the healthy childhood dependency needs were denied and disavowed. This person grows up distrusting others and handles problems on his own. This may be the client who when asked after going through a challenging life event how he is doing, he says “Fine.”
The interpersonal environments I mentioned above can most definitely be traumatic. These traumas can be stored in the deeper brain and get triggered in real life adult situations. Then there is abuse and neglect where the very parents that supposedly love you are hurting you, neglecting you or not protecting you. This can lead to more severe trauma and make healthy current relationships even more difficult.
The person who grew up with the inconsistent parent will “unconsciously predict” that the partner will be inconsistent as well. The person who grew up where his dependency needs were ignored will as an adult see the partner as one who will never be there for him. The one who grew up in an abusive or neglectful situation will have an even more difficult time trusting and not sabotaging even a potentially good relationship. In the neurobiological field, these are examples of what we call “internal working models,” the way people were dealt with as a child becomes the template for the way they view their significant other(s) as adults.
The good news is that one’s internal working model can change. Modern technology has shown that effective therapy does not only change the psyche, but it can change the way different parts of the brain are wired to each other. A caring, supportive in-tuned therapist can help the client heal and shift the way he or she views himself, others and the world. The brain has plasticity meaning that it can be rewired and even though the past environment helps create the original wiring, nurturing therapeutic and relationships can heal much of went awry in the past.
In addition to good therapy, it has been shown that meditation and yoga can also shift the wiring in her brain as well as how we view ourselves, others and the world. As people start to make good lifestyle choices and take care of themselves, that can be of great help in making positive changes. As we improve and stabilize our healthy interpersonal patterns (for example the person who cannot calm down learns to soothe himself; the person who could never let others be there for her, allows herself a healthy dose of dependency on trustworthy others), this can also begin helping people break free of the effects of early trauma.
Lastly, the specific treatment approach of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing has demonstrated particular benefits in helping trauma victims relatively quickly break the chains of the trauma. The people are now free to live happier, healthier lives with nurturing significant others around them. It is part of the joy of the work I do; seeing people break free from the past and increase their capacity to give and receive love.
Trauma Bonding: Why People Repeat being Abuse Victims
Attachment to others has been shown to be the basic human motivation. When people are victimized at a young age, their brains actually adapt to their environment and they learn that the way to attach is to be a victim. This is not just a psychological phenomenon; it is also a neurobiological phenomenon. People who have abuse histories may not even feel a desire to be attached to someone who is kind, genuine and safe. That is not the way their brains learned how to attach.
Also, abusive people are not always abusive. Often, the abuser of a child is also loving and affectionate at times. The child learns to take the abuse with the love. This child can grow into an adult who is unconsciously attracted to the person who also vacillates between kindness and cruelty. This is the way an abuser can control his or her victim. The victim continues to take the abuser’s cruelty so that he or she can hopefully experience the love and the tenderness that will come after the wave of abuse.
There are things that can be done to break the pattern and even change the wiring in the brain. I will be talking about ways that people can heal, recover and change their victimization patterns in future writings and videos. One thing I have been immersed in in 2015 is learning and practicing a treatment modality called EMDR that stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a treatment modality that helps people quickly and successfully resolve trauma that has kept people stuck in unhealthy belief, behavior and feeling patterns. This is an approach that helps people change their brain wiring so that they can have a better life and better relationships. People do not have to stay stuck in trauma bonding patterns. They can learn how to bond and attach in healthy ways. This whole month I will be writing about different aspects of trauma and how to break free. Please stay tuned!
Communication in Relationships: Effective and Destructive
Effective: Clean communication- clean communication is when the only intent of your communication is to reveal something about yourself.
Example: I am angry with you for getting defensive rather than listening.
Destructive: Unclean communication- unclean communication is when you have other intentions such as punishing the other person defending yourself, getting rid of your own tension or proving you are right.
Example: Yelling loudly- your listening skills suck! (Getting rid of tension)
Effective: Being receptive which includes dropping your own agenda temporarily. (See blog from August 6th)
Destructive: Thinking of what you are going to say in reaction to what your partner is saying while your partner is talking to you.
Effective: Perceive your partner as an ally even when you are angry with him or her. In this way, you will talk in ways that encourage listening. If your partner has done or said something hurtful, attribute the most benign motive possible such as your partner was in pain and mishandled it.
Destructive: See your partner as an enemy whose intention is to hurt you.
What can we learn from this? The following: If you communicate cleanly, practice receptivity and perceive your partner in the best possible way, your communication will lead to quick resolution of conflict, more connection and more expressions of love. Sound good to you?
Every working day I help couples develop these communication skills right with me in my office or on Skype.
“You’re the Worst Communicator Ever”- Confessions of a Marriage Therapist- (Me)
I have been to many parties where people would come up to my wife and say- “You must have a perfect marriage- you are married to a marriage therapist.” And my wife found that comment very funny! The truth is- yes- I am a marriage therapist, and I am also a human being who grew up in a family where great communication was not modeled. There were many times I would be helping a couple with communication and suddenly had the thought- “I think it is time to listen to my own wise words. My clients are communicating better than my wife and I.”
This communication stuff is really simple but not easy. It is simple because healthy communication is about sharing your feelings in a way that makes it easy for your partner to listen and to listen in a way that makes your partner motivated to share in ways that make it easy for you to listen. Now that is a wonderful upward communication spiral.
But communication is not easy. It is not easy because we react to protect ourselves. My parents were wonderful, loving people but communicated emotional material like two children. My mom would say things to get under my father’s skin and he would react by saying those famous two words- F—k you! And that is what I observed as the way to communicate emotional feelings. So, when my wife had any complaints (and we all do from time to time), I did not react well to them. I became the little Todd who was angry with my mother for making my dad feel like crap. And now my wife was making me feel like crap. Even though, in actuality she was NOT making me feel like crap; she just had feelings; that’s it- she was just having an experience of feelings and the only one that was making me feel like crap was me. As David Deida says in his book- “The Way of the Superior Man,”- “her complaint is the beginning of her pleasure.” That is right- what I needed to learn to do is be open and receptive to my wife’s complaint, take responsibility for the things I was responsible for and let her know that I understood. And the complaint and negative feelings would then transform into warmth and closeness. It is just that simple and that difficult.
I have gotten much better. My emotional muscle is more developed. And I have a long ways to go! I still react immaturely at times, get defensive and share like a child rather than an adult. However, I intend to improve every day. I intend to share feelings more lovingly and listen more caringly. I could do it and so could you. Yesterday (August 12th) we were married 31 years. I am a far better communicator now than the first day we were married. Can you imagine how good I will be in another 31 years at my 62nd anniversary?
The Most Important Element Of Communication Nobody Talks About
Say “I” statements. Don’t be defensive. Repeat the words that your partner said. These are a few of the things people hear at basic communication seminars or what they read in communication articles. That is all well and good except that there is something that everyone has to do before anything else so that communication can be effective. And here it is:
DROP YOUR AGENDA!
What do I mean by that? I mean stop trying to accomplish ANYTHING when your partner is communicating. Get curious, be inquisitive, be interested in what the other person wants to express. If you drop your agenda, you will not be defending yourself, proving your partner is inaccurate or reacting to what he or she is saying. And that is because you are not trying to accomplish anything. You have dropped your agenda. You are now truly receptive to what your partner or the other person truly is experiencing and wants to convey to you. This is a very relaxed state. You are not trying to control how your partner thinks or feels or even how you feel. You are just letting everything be as it is. No forcing; no pushing; no pulling. Just being there, interested and curious. (Yes, some words need to be repeated).
This is the same state of mind as when you are in nature taking in the scenery. You are not trying to accomplish anything. You are just noticing the beauty around you. This state of mind could be practiced throughout the day for even seconds at a time. Then, when the other person wants to communicate to you, you can evoke in you that same state of mind. When you do that, your partner will notice and will feel your energy and presence is with him or her. Eventually it will be your turn to express and your partner could very well be more receptive to you because of your excellent listening. And that, my dear reader, is the beginning of great communication.
Do you have trouble doing this with your partner or anyone else? I can help with that! Contact me.
Sex in the Older Years
If we take good care of ourselves, our sexual system can outlast just about every organ system we have. People have the opportunity to enjoy sexual pleasure well into their older years. Couples that have attended to their relationship through the years can enjoy lovemaking based on sexual and emotional maturity, life experiences and a deepening of their intimate relationship. This can all help with some of the following challenges of sexuality in the older years:
- Women can develop some vaginal dryness due to hormonal changes such as decreases in estrogen levels. (Lubrications, hormonal balancing and some other medications can help with this challenge).
- Men may need more stimulation to get aroused and have orgasms. It is only natural and part of the aging process and like women, it may be due to hormonal changes, in this case- a gradual decrease of testosterone. With emotional maturity comes sensitivity, patience and acceptance of the human condition.
- Medical challenges can affect one’s sexuality. Prostate problems for men and hysterectomies for women definitely can affect sexuality. Also, cardiac problems, cancer and fibromyalgia as well as other chronic conditions can affect sexuality.
- Prescription drugs can sometimes lower libido and the ability to be aroused and/or orgasm.
I work with many older couples that have one or more of the above challenges. These couples are relieved to realize that there are solutions to these challenges. Sometimes it involves lifestyle changes that can help revive sexual health; sometimes it involves intelligent compromises where people don’t avoid physical intimacy even though they may not be able to do all that they did before. Some couples experience their best sexuality in their older years. Sex increasingly becomes a way to communicate love. There are less hang-ups and less ego. There is often more time to slow down and savor the relationship and each other. Those that are already there – please feel free to comment and share your wisdom. Those that are younger, if you play your cards right, you have much to look forward to!
7 Ways To Make Sure Your Partner Will Leave You
One thing I have learned as a marriage and sex therapist is that our role models have fallen short in instructing us how to have a thriving marriage. It’s not their fault; they just did not know. The good news is that there are guides “out there” and resources inside of each one of us that could help us experience the committed relationship we would love to have. So read between the lines in this article!
Here are 7 ways to MAKE SURE YOUR PARTNER WILL LEAVE YOU!
- Do what is comfortable for you. Don’t extend yourself and only give of yourself when it is convenient.
- Do not develop feeling skills, especially, if you are a man. See feelings as a waste of time, listening as unnecessary and believe that there is no need to be careful how you express yourself.
- Treat your partner as if he or she is a clone of yourself. Don’t try to be understanding of the differences and insist on constant agreement.
- Only arrange dates on your anniversary and each other’s birthday. Otherwise, there are many good TV shows to watch and your evenings can be taken up with surfing the net because there is an abundance of great information out there. Your partner’s need for attention should be trivialized and seen as unimportant.
- When it comes to sex, don’t risk, don’t express something new and don’t deviate from your sexual routine.
- Focus on the plethora of negative and hurtful things your partner has done. If you forgive, you just may be hurt again, so keep that wall up and then you won’t be so disappointed when your flawed partner doesn’t come through for you once in a while.
- Use your partner as a receptacle for your all your pain and frustration. Yell when you are angry and withdraw when you are not getting your way. These fight or flight mechanisms will continue to help you release or avoid your tension even if it destroys your relationship.
If one or more of these “ways” seem familiar, contact me and we can do something about it!
3 Feelings Couples Experience in a Successful Relationship
We have a whole range of feelings that we experience throughout our days as well as with our partner. However, there are three feelings I can think of that happy couples feel a lot.
The first one I will mention is courage. Actually courage is an essential feeling to get us to take the action necessary to create a happy, vibrant relationship. With courage, you try new things with your partner in and out of the bedroom. With courage, you reveal your inner world to your partner and are interested in your partner’s. This leads to the feelings of closeness and positive intensity that makes relationships come alive.
Secondly, there are feelings of security. Joy, pleasure, vulnerability and deep connection occurs in an atmosphere of safety and trust. Being faithful, having no secrets, making it safe to express feelings even painful ones and being cooperative “teammates” all contribute to feelings of security between the partners.
Lastly, there are feelings of excitement. When you utilize your courage in an atmosphere of security, it allows for ever-new experiences. You both plan out your life to have fun activities that you both look forward to. In addition, you can be spontaneous with each other as you have interactions that could be stimulating, humorous and pleasurable. There is an element of playfulness that keeps the relationship fresh as well as exciting.
If you are not experiencing these feelings on some consistent basis, this can almost always change. Typically it is the old patterns of thinking, speaking and behaving that block us from the interpersonal creativeness it takes to experience our courage, feelings of security and excitement. As many of you know, I have worked with couples that have had deep wounds such as infidelity. And yes, there are ways to heal and experience the positive emotions that I have discussed here even in these relationships. I have seen couples create relationships that allow for these positive feelings over and over again. So, look forward, be creative and make it happen!
A Success Story: She Found Love After Leaving A Toxic Relationship
Here is a 100% true story of a past client who was able to break free of toxic patterns and discovered who and what she could attract and have in her life. As you read, you will see how through her own increased awareness, courage to be alone and raising her standards that achieving her relationships dream was possible. Her name is changed for reasons of confidentiality.
Stephanie came to see me after 8 years of being with another therapist. She told me her story of a history of relationship failures; constantly getting with men who would break her heart at around the 6 month period of a relationship. She was 38 years old and wanted a family. She told me that her therapist (at their last session) said to her that not all people were relationship material and maybe she was one of those people and she should stop knocking her head up against the wall to get in an intimate long-term relationship. Basically she told her to accept that her life would not be going in the direction of an intimate relationship that could lead to a family. When I heard that, my exact response was- “Well that is some bullshit right there!” She was intensely interested in my reaction and I explained that she is quite capable of being in a successful relationship and that we had to find how Stephanie herself is (unconsciously) doing this to herself and that her pattern needs to be uncovered. I was quick to add that this is not about blaming herself because none of this is intentional but that we will discover how she blocks the very thing she wants. As I told many of my clients- IT IS AN INSIDE JOB. SO LET’S START THE REWIRING PROCESS. Yes, the brain can literally be rewired with good therapy so that new patterns of thinking, speaking and behaving can emerge which could lead to very different and positive results. I was confident that she would be successful and she felt my belief in her.
We discovered that she had an underlying insecurity and fear of being alone. She had been very close to her dad who died young; he was the parent who was more tuned into her and she had lost him not long after puberty. In her adult relationship life, if a man showed interest, she was hooked. She did not challenge the men enough early in the courtship to discover if they could be mature enough to handle her being herself. She would adapt to whatever behavior they threw at her. If she got stood up on a date, she would give him another chance. If he was critical, she apologized. As long as there were times when he showed approval and affection, she would overlook the hurtful, immature behaviors. She would be in the wrong relationship for 6 months rather than get out of it after 6 dates (or less) to free her up to meet someone more appropriate. As a matter of fact, she never broke up with anyone. The relationship just ended when he broke up with her or she discovered an affair.
Maybe 6 weeks into our therapy sessions, Stephanie found someone online. They had this amazing online romance and he lived out of the country but he told her that he would be moving back to the states and could easily settle in Orange County, CA, which is where she lived, and that this would happen very soon. During the winter holiday, (they had met online 2 months prior) he paid her a visit and stayed 2 weeks and halfway through that visit, he proposed and she accepted. It seemed a little fast but I felt a little better when her friend who had referred Stephanie in the first place assured me that he seemed like a great guy and it all looked good. His plan was to go home, sell his house in England and they were to wed in February. Sometime in January, he called her and said that due to the economic conditions currently in Europe he is having a harder time selling his home and they would have to delay the wedding. She was disappointed but totally understood. For the next three months, she would talk, text and email daily with her being empathic and understanding and letting him know that whenever they get married, it would be wonderful. In April, though, I get an emergency phone call from her and this is the transcript of our phone call:
Stephanie: (in a panicky voice) Todd, I think I blew it.
Todd: I highly doubt that.
Stephanie: No, I really think I blew it. I constantly hear from my fellow police officers (she was a police woman) these questions like- “So when is the wedding?” and I say repeatedly- “I don’t know yet,” and it is so embarrassing. So, I told my fiancée that it was difficult at times for me and he could not believe that I was complaining about how I was feeling when he was already going through enough stress with the house and the economy. Then he hung up on me and that was 2 days ago. We communicate multiple times per day every day and he has not responded to any of my texts, emails or phone calls since. And my mother and brother both said to me that I better not blow ANOTHER relationship.
Todd: Wow, I am sorry to hear that you are going through that but firstly, your mother and brother could not have said a more incorrect and harmful thing to you. As a matter of fact, I think this is good that you are finding out some vital piece of information about your fiancée now. You were all about him and his feelings. As soon as you expressed your own pain, you found out that he is not there for you. You did not blow anything! You did exactly what you need to do and now your up against your own fears and insecurities that have kept you in the wrong relationship. Now is the time to really test him to find out if you can be hopeful or you need to break it off entirely.
Stephanie: But I don’t want this to end. I love him.
Todd: Maybe it won’t end but you need to see if he is capable of being there for you even when he is emotionally uncomfortable. Send him a text saying- “Your distancing behavior is unacceptable to me. If you are going to be married to me, you need to handle when I am in some emotional pain and be there for me. Step up your game or I am out.”
Stephanie: I don’t know if I could send him that text. I don’t want to lose him.
Todd: Does this sound familiar in your life?
Stephanie: Yes, but I am scared.
Todd: I understand. In life, there are times when you need to do the tough thing and that is the only way to ultimately get what you want.
She didn’t do it. I even said you could leave out the last sentence and she still didn’t do it. Eventually he communicated with her and she accepted the situation for another 3 months and never complained. Finally a breakthrough was coming. During one of our sessions, I asked her if she felt she was doing anything different with him than any of the other men in her past. She said ,”No,” and I said- “Look, you are a very smart woman. You are in the midst of this pattern. YOU ARE RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL! But you will never know it unless you let me help you take more risks with this man.” She asked me what to do because it was hard to argue that her passivity and codependence was working in her situation. I told her to communicate with him about how hurt and disappointed she is with him in how he dealt with her pain in April and that the pain is even worse now and that he has to learn to be there for her and demonstrate that to her if this relationship was to have any chance.
(In those there months, we had worked through some unresolved grief of losing her father as well as self-esteem issues). I asked her to compose an email using her own words. We discussed her possible plans of action based on his response to the email. She sent the email and by the following session a week later, he had once again stopped responding to any messages and distanced himself again. This time, she followed through on what we discussed. She promised herself and me that if there was no response, she would send him a goodbye email and be done. That is what she did while in the session with me and I helped her work through her final grief.
Four months after that, she met a man from Orange County on a trip to Ireland. He had two children from a previous marriage. She was now 39. They fell in love. She told me that some of his parenting with his children was a problem for her and that if it did not change; it could be a real problem for her. This time, without waiting, she asserted herself saying that he need to get into therapy because if he continued his current behavior with his children (and ex-wife) that would be a deal breaker for her. He agreed, went to therapy and made good progress. They got married 10 months later and she got pregnant just after her 40th birthday and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. This was 6 years ago and they have a great family life. Also, he has maintained better boundaries with his ex-wife and previous children.
You could see her struggle and understand that there are underlying emotional issues that can block people from being open to a healthy relationship. If you resonate even with a small part of this story, contact me. I have many more success stories similar to this. I work in person at my office as well as via Skype. Why settle for a bad relationship or give up due to thinking that you are not relationship material? Wouldn’t you rather empower yourself to be more of the person you are to attract the healthy relationship you deserve? Call me at (714) 848-2288 or email me at todd@toddcreager.com.