I have had many clients who have come to me with symptoms that stem from childhood sexual abuse. This is not a total list but the symptoms include:
- Low sexual desire
- Sexual acting out
- PTSD symptoms that include Hyperarousal, Re-experiencing the trauma via nightmares or flashbacks, Emotional restricting and/or numbness and Negative self-image
- Intimacy avoidance
- Interpersonal passivity
People who have been sexually abused have learned falsely that their needs do not matter. If caretakers minimized the experienced or worse yet blamed the child, the sexual abuse victim learned to not trust people, especially with their emotional pain. These beliefs and patterns continue into their adult intimate relationships. It is very tragic and I have such compassion for people who experience this trauma.
However, here is the good news. People can and do heal from childhood sexual abuse. I feel honored and am grateful for the opportunity to assist people in this healing process. Here are 7 helpful tips to help sexual abuse victims heal:
- Find a therapist to help you process the painful memories. A compassionate therapist who is skilled in this area of treatment is crucial for learning to move past the abuse and reclaim your healthy adult self.
- Let go of any guilt or shame if you experienced any pleasure from these experiences. It is normal to have some pleasure due to sexual/bodily stimulation; it is a physical reaction that is not in your control. You may have also had some pleasure from feeling close to the perpetrator or special to him or her. Having a mixture of painful feelings along with pleasurable ones is totally understandable.
- Relearn healthy touch. (I will talk about this in more detail in a future post). When sexually abused, a person has learned to associate touch with shame or hiding. You can relearn healthy touch with a willing partner so that you can associate touch with feelings of safety, of being in control and of feeling loved and cared for.
- You may want to think about joining a support group with other people who were victims of sexual molest. These support groups have been shown to be very helpful in helping people process and feel a sense of self-worth.
- There are some excellent books on this including what has become somewhat of a classic- The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis.
- Find a good EMDR therapist in your area. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is an approach that helps clients relatively quickly heal from past trauma. Personally, I became a certified EMDR therapist because of this very topic. As a person who specializes in helping people with low sexual desire, I was having just marginal success with those who had been victims of sexual abuse as a child. I researched the literature and discovered the evidence-based treatment of EMDR and immersed myself in the training and eventually got certified. I have had absolutely wonderful results in helping victims reclaim their lives and their healthy sexuality and often in just a handful of sessions. (The length of healing time often has to do with the extent, frequency and duration of the abuse). A therapist who does EMDR can be your one-stop therapist and it is probably better to have one therapist as opposed to a therapist who then refers you to a second therapist who does EMDR.
- Practice being what I call healthily selfish. Think about what you want both in and out of the bedroom. As a victim, you had to adapt to the perpetrator’s needs. As a survivor and “thriver”, you can ask others to adapt to your needs and be in more reciprocal, mutual relationships. That goes for platonic friendships as well.
If you have had this experience, reach out. There is no need to work this out on your own. I have had many first hand gratifying experiences of assisting and seeing victims heal and thrive. Intimacy is sought after rather than avoided, healthy sexual activity can become a regular part of their lives and there are significant increases in self-esteem and feelings of wellbeing.
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