In this episode, relationship and marriage expert Todd Creager talks about overcoming our instinct to protect ourselves and retreat, and instead find a place in our relationship where we can have both safety and adventure. This is the courageous relationship.
Sex and Intimacy
Video: The Courageous Relationship
What does the courageous relationship look like? In this video, I cover why it takes courage and the steps it takes to have a successful relationship.
Many of the problems we have in our relationships come from the fact that we tend to protect ourselves.
In fact, this tendency to protect ourselves works against us and kills our relationship.
Instead, we need to learn how to stay open through both the good and the bad.
This takes courage…
The bottom line is that relationships are not for the faint of heart, they’re for the brave. It’s important to not play it safe and to be able to take chances.
Watch this video and learn what it takes to make relationships work and how to have the courageous relationship, Todd walks you through it
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Episode 7: When Your Partner Does Not Initiate Sex
Renowned Orange County sex therapist and expert Todd Creager talks about what to do when your partner doesn’t initiate sex – which can cause one partner to feel frustrated and undesired among other emotions. He talks about the reasons why this may be happening, and offers powerful suggestions to help individuals face their fears and overcome sexual barriers in their relationship.
Todd provides sex therapy, counseling and couples retreats in the Orange County area, focusing on enhancing intimacy, connection, overcoming infidelity and other relationship topics. Based out of Huntington Beach, he serves the nearby areas of Corona del Mar, Irvine, Newport Beach, Seal Beach, Long Beach and beyond. He also offers virtual appointments! Contact Todd’s office today at (714) 848-2288.
Are Phones in Bed Taking a toll on Sex Lives?
The answer is yes phones in bed are taking a toll on sex lives. There was an interesting research study that had some eye-popping statistics.
Here is a quick synopsis of some the statistics from that study :
1. Survey reveals that nearly three in four adults bring their phone to bed with them.
2. More than a third of Americans say their sex life has suffered as a result of smartphones in the bedroom.
3. A quarter of respondents admit the last thing they see before closing their eyes at night is their phone, not their partner.
My wife and I went to a restaurant a few days ago and looked around. At least half of the couples were looking at their phones and not talking or looking at their partner.
Why is this happening, what are the consequences and how can we change this?
There are different love stages that relationships go through. I have talked about this in other articles but I will briefly state that in the earliest stages, dopamine which is a neurotransmitter that is very pleasurable and alivening is abundant.
In these early stages, people are drawn to each other and give each other lots of attention and quality time.
As couples stay together, the automatic passion goes down as dopamine goes down and serotonin (another neurotransmitter) actually goes up. So there’s a sense of security (serotonin can be very soothing) but the sense of adventure can be lost.
Here’s some activities that typically increase dopamine:
1. hobbies and activities that we find pleasurable
2. delicious food
3. some drugs
4. screens including TV, computer and mobile phones
Let me give you and example how this works:
Here’s a couple that has been together for a while where the dopamine has now gone down and the serotonin has gone up (which is natural).
Meanwhile, one or both partners have in the left or right hand a mobile device with a screen that increases dopamine every time they click on it.
Therein lies the battle.
Do we get the instant dopamine shift or do we began acting in ways that can create dopamine between us as an intimate couple? Whereas in earlier relationship stages, the dopamine is high and you really don’t have to go out of your way to have the high dopamine, as time goes on, it takes courage, creativity and attention to create the dopamine.
It is definitely not as instantaneous as looking at a screen.
The consequences of this continued pattern can be an increasingly disconnected intimate relationship, an increase of depression and/or anxiety for one or both partners, increased boredom and higher chance for infidelity.
Another consequence is that if we have children, they are observing our behavior and learn as well from their parents that screens are more interesting than people. Some other indirect consequences include less healthy sleep (screens stimulate us and make it more difficult to enter a sleep state), dulling of the mind and an actual slowing down of healthy brain stimulation, and a far less meaningful life.
Here are 7 tips to changing this unhealthy pattern.
1. Practice noticing your automatic habits and what pulls your attention.
Deciding to become more conscious is the first step in creating a happier and more meaningful life in general and more specifically it is the beginning of creating a more stimulating relationship with your intimate partner.
2. Accept that happiness in all areas of your life including relationships takes work.
This includes the work of disciplining yourself not to do the automatic and easier thing.
3. Decide on dates as well as at home to learn about your partner.
In other words, decide to get curious and pay attention to your partner. What does your partner crave or love? What does your partner feel deprived of? Where are your partner’s hopes and dreams? What are some of the painful emotional experience your partner is going through? These questions are actually just a very small sample. The bottom line is you decide to be curious and interested. It’s amazing how more interesting your partner becomes when you decide to become interested.
4. When you go on a date, leave your phone in the car. Unplug.
5. Give yourself 30 minutes to an hour before bedtime to unplug.
No screens. Decide to use the bedroom for just two things- intimacy and sleep.
6. Remember that a purposeful and intentional life has much higher quality than an addictive one.
7. Don’t be boring.
Be interesting by becoming more courageously vulnerable or by coming up with a fresh and new idea with your partner. This could be both in and out of the bedroom.
So next time you’re tempted to grab your phone and take it into the bedroom…stop and think about it before you do!
Remember that having phones in bed are taking a toll on sex lives.
The rewards of less phone and more real intimate attention is significant. I can help you rekindle that passion. Feel free to contact me.
Episode 6: Sexuality Through the Years
Sexuality is an important aspect for us throughout our lives. Listen to this episode to see how it evolves through the decades. I cover the transitions of life before kids, through kids, physiological changes, on up to maintaining a sexual connection with your partner past the 80s! I’ve included some tips to help the transitions through the many happy years to come.
Todd Creager is a renowned sex expert and marriage therapist in Orange County specializing in intimacy, building a maintaining a strong sexual connection, and overcoming obstacles like infidelity.
To speak with Todd further about sex therapy, contact him at (714) 848-2288 from the Newport Beach/Coast, Laguna Beach, Huntington Beach, Irvine and Corona del Mar areas.
VIDEO: When Your Partner Does Not Initiate Sex
In this video I want to talk to you about what to do when your partner doesn’t initiate sex .
It’s very difficult and can cause one partner to feel frustrated and undesired among other emotions. I’ve had both men and women come into my practice with this problem.
It’s not about you the partner who is being deprived, I share a story that I think will help you better understand this and how this couple was able to break through their barrier and change their intimate relationship.
I talk about the other reasons why this may be happening, and offers powerful suggestions to help individuals face their fears and overcome sexual barriers in their relationship.
Watch the video here and get the 3 tips to help you work through this:
Get Todd’s FREE Guide: 7 Ways To Create A Sexy and Satisfying Life
Episode 5: Help with Male Anxiety Performance
In this episode, Todd Creager talks about how to be done with male anxiety around performance. Listen in and hear how Todd dispels common beliefs around intimacy and male sexual performance. He shares what women really want from their partner based upon his 30+ years in private practice working with couples.
As an experienced sex therapist, Todd gives tips on what it really takes to have a better experience in bed with your partner so you will: *Enjoy your sex life *Be happier with yourself *Create a deeper connection with your partner
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Todd Creager is a renowned sex and relationship therapist in Orange County. He works out of Huntington Beach and helps couples in many surrounding areas including Newport Coast, Irvine, and Laguna Beach.
Having Deep and Meaningful Conversations to Rekindle Aliveness
Sexual Intimacy After Betrayal
Sexual Desire Discrepancy Between Partners: What do You Do?
Video: Causes of Sexual Addiction
In this video marriage and sex therapist Todd Creager covers the cause of sexual addiction. He shares his definition of what sexual addiction is and the top causes.
Depending on the cause of the addiction, it determines how he treats the person and he share details of what type of treatment is most effective for treating sexual addiction.
Get help for yourself and your relationship.
Todd has created a handout: the causes of Sexual Addiction where he goes into more detail on what sexual addiction is. The 8 most common causes and what course of treatment is beneficial depending on the cause.
Click the button to get access and to start healing!
Video: When Infidelity Has Nothing to Do With Sex
In this video marriage and sex therapist Todd Creager discusses when infidelity has nothing to do with sex.
Most often we think of infidelity as involving sex with another person outside of your marriage or committed relationship. Many times couples come see Todd where infidelity actually involves other things.
Todd covers the other types of non sexual infidelity that happen most often in relationships. He also covers the 5 main reasons why people commit this type of infidelity.
Watch the video and learn why infidelity may not have anything to with sex, why it happens and what you can do to heal from this type of infidelity.
Start Healing Yourself After Infidelity:
Grab your FREE copy of the 10 Steps to Healing from Infidelity here: https://toddcreager.com/infidelity-freebie/
After Infidelity: How to Deal with Flashbacks and other Stress Reactions
The three things that make your woman want you sexually
In my last article, I talked about the three most important things your man wants from you sexually.
In this article, I share the reverse side of this topic and cover the three things that make your women want you sexually.
The reason I changed the title is that there is more of a connection with a woman’s emotions and her sexual desire than for a man. I never like to generalize so I want to say that men’s emotions play a part of their sexual desire as well.
However, a woman’s emotions play an even more prominent role in her sexual attraction to you.
As I wrote about in my last blog from the men, the information I am giving to you comes from a very large sample from my private practice of what I have learned from women currently in relationships or when discussing past relationships. I have definitely learned a lot from them about what is and is not important to them, what is more important and what is less important to them.
Starting from the third most important thing that makes your woman want you sexually, I will then go down to end with number one. Even though I give them numerical value, all three are very important!
The Three Things That Make Your Woman Want You Sexually
# 3: She wants you to have a sense of purpose and a direction.
She likes when you have things you really care about where you follow through with action to make things happen. This could be in your career or business, it could be in your hobbies or creativity and just as importantly it can be in your interactions with her personally.
Ideally, this sense of initiative and leadership would be manifested in all of those areas.
This masculine energy evokes in her a feminine energy which increases her desire for you. Regarding having a sense of purpose and direction, it is important for the you (the man) to have your own opinions even though you may disagree with your partner. Men that avoid conflict and are too quick to placate and agree with their partner find that their women can be turned off.
Having a direction and being a leader does not mean that the man makes all the decisions and always gets his way.
I will talk more about this later on #1 and #2.
What it means is that she can relax knowing that she is getting something real and genuine from the core self of the man she is with.
# 2: You make her feel that she matters.
The number one way you do this is by thinking about her and making it very clear that you are thinking about her.
That could be from something as simple as sending her a text in the middle of your work day telling her how much you are thinking of her or how sexy she is or whatever you want to say to elevate her energy.
Another way to make her feel that she matters is to ask her questions.
Get curious about her and then remember her answers. And then bring up those answers that she has said at a later time so that she realizes that you are actually remembering what is important to her or what her thoughts or feelings are about a particular topic.
She wants to feel cherished.
When the man sees himself as someone who is responsible for making her feel significant, important and cherished, he will make it a habit to think about her more and act on those thoughts.
In the sexual realm, he can do the same things- namely being curious about what she wants sexually and remembering them even at a later time and acting on that information.
She feels like her desires matter and this sense of feeling significant to you is quite the aphrodisiac!
# 1: She feels emotionally safe with you.
What that means is that she feels free to be who she is and to express her emotions and that you will not judge her for them.
You are someone that she can relax with and trust that you will be there for her no matter what she is feeling.
This trust allows her to open up her heart as well as her body to you. When the man shows that he cares about her feelings and is there for her even in her pain, this depth of trust that is created can lead to a very powerful sexual relationship as well.
Of course here is where honesty makes such a difference.
This is why betrayal can do quite a lot of damage to her ultimate sexual desire for you because trust is so essential. Actually, the common thread in all three of these tips is that all three of these tips lead to more trust in your female partner.
Trust is the key.
Trust is what allows the woman to feel safe enough to let you in. Trust dissolves the fear that prevents her from desiring you. This is why I say that a man who learns how to be a good listener is being his most masculine self.
This listening and acceptance leads to her feeling her ultimate femininity and makes her want you.
These are the top three things that make your women want you sexually that I have learned directly from the women I work with in my private practice.
I am very skilled at helping couples achieve this kind of dynamic that leads to closer, more passionate and intimate relationships. If you want my help or you would like to buy one of my programs, please contact me directly https://toddcreager.com/contact/ or check out my programs on my website at: https://toddcreager.com/store/
Feel free to comment below or send me an email todd@toddcreager.com.
The three most important things your man wants from you sexually
From my work with couples in this area, I have found some clear answers to the question, what are the most important things your man wants from you sexually.
In my private practice, I’ve been helping couples rekindle passion and keep it alive. I’ve been doing this for over 30 years with great success with thousands of couples which has given me the ability to come up with this top list of the three most important things your man wants from you sexually.
Next week I will reverse this and talk about what I have discovered in my working with women the most important things a woman wants sexually from their man.
Here are my findings regarding the three most important things your man wants from you sexually starting with the third most important thing a man wants from you.
#3- He wants you as his partner to accept his sexual preferences and desires.
He wants to be free to share his fantasies and for you to not only accept the fantasy but incorporate the fantasy into your sex life. There is a deeper non-sexual aspect to this and that is that men want to feel acceptable to their partner in all ways.
This is especially true in the intimacy of the couples sexuality. He will be overjoyed if you allow him to express even the more taboo aspects of his desires.
In the healthiest of relationships, a man is able to fully express how he wants his partner to be dressing, what different positions they might entertain, where they might have sex other than the bedroom, role-playing including power dynamics such as submissiveness and dominance or whatever else fuels his desire.
# 2- He wants you to demonstrate that you value your intimate time together by setting aside time and energy for your intimate love life.
He needs to do the same and it is not only up to you to make this happen.
I am just saying that one of the things that really fulfills a man is when he notices his partner dedicating the time and energy to their sexuality.
It is quite the turn-on for a man when his partner is initiating sex as well and that it’s not only up to him to get their sex life revved up.
Sending texts during the work day to your man such as this: “Hi, sweetie, I hope you are looking forward to some sexy time with me tonight,” will be powerfully titillating to him.
By doing this he knows that you are thinking about him and making sex a priority.
# 1- You get into the sex!
I have too often heard women say that they have sex just to satisfy the man.
There has been a lot of cultural evolution recently that acknowledges the importance of the sexual needs of women.
However in many sexual relationships there still is a dynamic where it is about meeting the husband’s needs. That is of course important but just as importantly, it is important to meet the woman’s needs.
I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve heard men say, “It’s a turn off because she seems to look at having sex with me as a chore.”
On the other hand I’ve heard many men say how much they get turned on when their female partner expresses clear signs of sexual enjoyment. As much as Sex is about giving and meeting the needs of the other, it is also important to be selfish in the sense of looking at sex as the source of pleasure for each person.
When a man experiences himself as a pleasure source for his woman, that is very arousing. So that is my number one!
I do not believe for a moment that this is an exhaustive list of what most important things your man wants from you sexually, nor would I be naive to think that this is true for every man.
I am just saying that from my extremely large sample of couples that I have seen, these are the top three most important things your man wants from you sexually.
I would love to hear comments and questions and points of agreement as well as disagreement on the most important things your man wants from you sexually.
I will be happy to respond to any and all comments.
VIDEO: The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship
Video: The Sex-Starved Relationship
In this video, Todd addresses the sex-starved relationship.
A sex starved relationship happens because one or maybe both of you may be wanting more sexual intimacy in your relationship.
The number one reason people get divorced or commit infidelity is because of a lack of connection in their primary relationship.
Intimacy is where we are able to create that needed connection by opening up and becoming more vulnerable.
Take a few minutes to watch the entire video and find out how this happens in relationships and what you can do to fix this problem if it’s happening to you.
Get your Secrets to a Sexy Marriage FREE Checklist here:
VIDEO: How EMDR Can Effectively Increase Intimacy
I’ve got a brand new video here where I share how EMDR can effectively increase intimacy.
You’ll want to watch it because I give you a quick overview of what EMDR is and how I use it in my practice before diving into how EMDR can effectively increase intimacy.
I have found that traumatic events lowers people’s capacity to give and receive love in inhibits their vulnerability which is so critical in intimate relationships.
Watch the video below and listen to the stories I tell and find out how EMDR can help you have the intimacy and the love you want!
Get the FREE 5 Steps to Healing from Trauma Guide:
Great Sex as You Age
Great sex as you age is one of the greatest gifs of all and is also one of the best things you can do for your health and your relationship.
My mother was 90 and her boyfriend was 100 (My dad had died 8 years prior).
They had been videotaped and the video was on YouTube about sex in older age. They also interviewed a much younger couple that was 85 and 83.
Both couples met at the assisted living residence and both were discussing their sexual relationship. Harry, my mother’s boyfriend said he wants to have sex twice a week but my mom wanted it once a week. He said when they make love, “I pass out, but it is a good pass out.” (LOL) It was truly a precious video and not surprisingly, it got a lot of views on YouTube.
My mother’s theme was that “90” and “100” are only numbers and they are free to enjoy each other as they wanted.
I am not sure exactly what Harry and my mom did when they made love, but they did something and they had sex of some kind.
If a 90 and 100-year-old can get it on, what about the rest of us that are not newlyweds anymore?
It is a gift that we can enjoy our sexuality and our bodies. Some people need to adapt and modify what they can and cannot do in the bedroom, but sex can continue long into our older years.
Rather than the actual “number of your age” be the problem, it is more likely getting stuck in non-intimate ruts day after day, week after week and year after year.
I have witnessed so many couples that after years of not having sex, they started again. Having great sex as you age requires three main things:
- A bolder more courageous interpersonal vision
- A willingness to go through a period of awkwardness as thy shift back to being lovers
- Follow through and consistency
For those couples that have lost their sexual way, why settle for a non-sexual or barely sexual relationship when you can enjoy this gift?
Take a chance and invite your partner to be more intimate. Focus on connection and not performance.
If you need assistance with having great sex as you age, I can help. It is difficult to break from old patterns. Use me to help you reclaim your gift.
Yes, there are emotional barriers; however, you can overcome them. In most cases, you can rekindle your passion!
Here are some researched benefits for having great sex as you age:
- Better cardiovascular health
- Better immune system
- Increased longevity and youthfulness
- More intimate and closer relationship leading to more joy
- More resilience in dealing with inevitable losses that older people experience
Check out either the Long Hot Marriage book, Good Communication = Great Sex or my other products that might help you continue to have great sex as you age here in my store.
And please don’t hesitate to contact me if you are curious about how I can assist you. I wish you the best!
VIDEO: Gaining Male Sexual Confidence
In this video, marriage and sex therapist Todd Creager discusses gaining male sexual confidence often caused by common myths about men and sex.
Yes, this topic is aimed primarily towards men, however I believe that women should listen because what i have to share is not only important, it is informative.
There’s a lot of myths out there regarding men and sexual performance. And because of this we’ve become entirely too focused on outcome rather than connection.
Watch the video find out how you can gain sexual confidence…or if you are a women how you can better understand your partner!