John and Julie Gottman are very well-known marital researchers and therapists.  They have been researching couples to discover what makes them alive and happy for over 30 years.  I totally respect the work they do. 

Their latest book is called “Eight Dates.”  This book encourages and guides couples to have eight separate dates.

Each date is focused on different categories of conversations to have.  The categories – trust, conflict, sex, money, family, fun, spirituality, and dreams – came out of the Gottmans’ years of observing the challenging and potentially volatile areas of relationships that most couples tend to avoid. 

They had a statistic that most couples with children and jobs talk for 35 minutes a week and mostly about errands.  That is sad does not lead to passionate, alive relationships.

I want to piggyback on that idea and give my personal observations both in my own marriage as well as the marriages of thousands of couples I have helped. 

In the beginning of relationships, it all feels “risky” and exciting because you are getting to know each other and there is no security yet of a committed relationship.  I have found that the more I risk in my marriage; the more open I am; the more I engage with Cherie in meaningful conversations, the better our relationship is. 

The Gottmans discuss the correct way to express a concern or complaint is to share from your own feelings and not get judgmental of your partner. 

In other words, you have to be more vulnerable and open especially when discussing emotional and deep issues.   The other important thing which I have talked about consistently is the notion of getting curious about your partner. 

Get to know this person. 

I have helped couples married for decades who had long stopped being curious and really did not know each other very well, especially about their important inner worlds.

When you take a look at these 8 categories-  trust, conflict, sex, money, family, fun, spirituality, and dreams, there is a lot of energy that often is hidden in these kinds of deep conversations. 

Let me get personal for a second.  I have some dreams for this year as well as beyond. 

Whereas the Gottman’s work together, my wife and I do not.  After thinking about this subject area, I have a deep desire to share with my wife my work/career goals and dreams for this year and beyond because things are shifting for me a little bit. 

She knows vaguely some of the things I am doing but does not know my excitement and my commitment to these new directions.

Likewise, wouldn’t it be a great question to ask her, “What is something fun that you would like to do, that you have never done before?  That could open up a whole wonderful conversation and may lead to some new path or adventure.

Looking at these 8 areas, what is an area that you have avoided with your partner?  Avoidance leads to deadening and conversely, exploring with loving curiosity leads to alienating.  Is it sex discussions that you avoid?  Then talk about it. 

Get into it slowly and dare to be honest. 

Is it spirituality?  Most partners have different versions of spirituality but that may be an important dialogue to have.  You can have a conversation about money including fears around money as well as who is responsible for what and if you want to change anything regarding how you as a couple deal with money. 

Relationships get passionate when each person is free to be more self-expressive.

I could easily say that the one thing that couples who came into my office or in virtual sessions with me who were struggling and left my sessions being successful, developed consistent curiosity. 

They dedicated consistent time to have important and meaningful conversations.  So, think about what you are avoiding discussing and assess how much curiosity you express towards your partner. 

I am always happy to help you navigate through these important and challenging conversations so that you too can have a loving, passionate, and stimulating intimate relationship with your long-term partner.