In this article, I’m discussing why it is important to grow up as it is the only way of healing from infidelity to be successful. We are here to grow up.
Uncategorized
Dealing with Erection Difficulties in Men
Not unlike the problem of low sexual desire that I discussed in my previous blog, erection problems can be caused by physical, emotional and relationship reasons as well as a combination of these factors. I could tell you the main reasons men have erection issues who come to see me for help.
- Medical issues such as diabetes or certain medication side effects
- Low testosterone
- Performance anxiety
This list is in increasing order of frequency of what I see in my office. When it comes to # 1 above, there are certain things that can be done to help a man who has medical issues such as changing medications that hopefully have less sexual side effects. Also using Viagra, Cialis or Levitra might be very helpful. (I still like to use these medications as a last resort) Lastly, sometimes acceptance of limitations is necessary. When acceptance is necessary, clients are taught and encouraged how to have a good sex life even if it is not centered on a rock solid penis.
Men with low testosterone can often be helped with testosterone injections or patches. In some cases, the change is pretty significant and rapid. Not all people are helped even with testosterone patches. This may mean that there are now some performance anxiety issues as well.
The most frequent factor is performance anxiety. Our culture has instilled in men the idea that we are sexual machines and our sexual purpose is to prove we are “men who can perform under any circumstances in the bedroom” Some women do not help by assuming that if the man had an erection issue, it automatically means that he is not attracted to that woman. A frustrated, disappointed woman can put even more pressure on the man who is having these challenges. I have helped many men take the pressure off themselves, change their mindset and learn to shift their sexual purpose from performance to connection. I have helped women change their mindset and feel better so that they help create an environment that is free of performance pressure.
The other factor that I did not mention is when a man comes to my office for erection issues but in reality he has low sexual desire. That requires a different set of interventions so it is important to be assessed accurately by a skilled sex therapist.
In conclusion, I will go one step further and say that the benefit of having erection problems due to performance anxiety is that it often helps the person learn to be kind and less perfectionistic in ALL areas of his life; not just in the bedroom. I will be happy to help any men and couples out there who are struggling with this issue. Often, it is not a difficult problem to treat and the man (or couple) can enjoy a wonderful and connected sex life again or maybe for the first time.
The Orlando Shooting and Our Emotional “Evolution”
ABOVE: People gather for a candlelight vigil during a memorial service for the victims of the shooting at the Pulse gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, June 13, 2016. (Photo: Jim Young/Reuters)
The Importance of Obliterating Binary Thinking
The tragedy in Orlando has affected so many people across the globe. Both of my daughters are currently out of the country- (one in China and one in Europe) and not only are they deeply affected but as they tell me-people in other countries are also perplexed and pained. It hurts our heart and we don’t understand the senselessness of this violence. I want to take a deeper look into what is behind this murderous behavior.
I do not know all that was going on inside the murderer’s psyche but I will comment on things I am pretty sure of. People have been thinking in binary ways for a long time. “Binary” is a math term but the most relevant definition I found was – ‘relating to, composed of, or involving two things.’ Thinking binary is a simpler process that takes uncertainty out of the aspects of life. Black and white thinking can help us divide people into bad and good; for example – the old western movies where one guy wears the white hat (he is good) and the other wears the black hat (he is bad). However, in real life – people are not all good or all bad.
Living in the gray area is much more accurate though not as convenient. Living in the gray area leads us to be more inquisitive about others and ourselves.
One area where I have seen a lot of movement from “black and white” to gray” has been in the areas of sexual preference and gender. Gay marriage has been sanctioned, transgendered people are being more accepted and the conversations I have been having with many random people have demonstrated much more openness and a willingness to think and live in the gray. In order for people to allow for variance and diversity, they need to adjust their mental constructs. These “mental constructs” have to shift from binary to fluid. For some people, their sexual preference is not so clear, or if it is clear, it is of the same sex. For some people, their gender is not so clear. I have seen countless examples of people who have begun living out their sexuality or gender truer to who they are. Those of us in the field of human sexuality understand now that there are many variants of sexual preference and gender.
There has been a clear evolution in our thinking, which potentially can allow everyone to live as they truly feel from the inside out.
However there is still thinking out there that though obsolete, still can dominate certain cultures, families and individuals. These belief systems claim that there is a way people should be. These beliefs are not based on any evolved thinking or scientific research. It is based on ignorance, which in turn is based out of fear. When an individual believes that he or she should be a certain way (i.e.- straight and not gay), and if that individual deep inside is struggling with it; in other words- it is not as clear as he wishes it would be), then this person can be hateful towards that part of him or herself that conflicts with what he “should” be or feel. One way of coping with that part of that person is to try to get rid of it. One way to try to get rid of it, is to try to get rid of the people who resonate with that part of him that he wants to get rid of. In this way, he can preserve himself and metaphorically” get rid of that part of him. In the case of the Orlando murderer, things point to the possibility that he was getting rid of these people and well as himself. He could not accept his homosexual urges and needed to destroy anything that resonated with that aspect of him.
Even though as I said, there may be more to this story, what it points out to me, is that there is much more work to be done in our emotional evolution. Racism, sexism, ageism, all the “isms” are due to the inability or unwillingness for people to deal with the natural ambiguity in life and in themselves.
Extremism comes from black and white thinking and most of the major problems both in the world as well as in families are due to some form of extremism.
The Orlando incident was a tragedy of tremendous proportions. However, I heard a former employee of the Pulse nightclub where the tragedy happened, say that this was a setback in the process of acceptance of sexual diversity. I disagree. I clearly see the process of embracing diversity moving in a positive direction. We need to continue to be inquisitive, and challenge our outdated ideas and “isms’ and share our thinking with the world. For me, this process was more challenging and gradual than for my young adult children. (Yes, as much as I thought I was so enlightened, I have become aware of my unconscious biases and am thankful that I am evolving in this area). The fact that my children and their friends are more organically accepting is a good sign; it shows that most younger people already are more tolerant and free of the ignorance and fear that older generations have grown up with.
This was not a setback; this was an example that there are people stuck in binary, black and white thinking. These are people that have learned to hate the parts of themselves that go outside the “should” they grew up with. Then in turn, they hate the people that remind them of these “unaccepted” parts of themselves.
I share in the mourning of these innocent victims and their families.
My heart aches for them. In their honor, we need to keep opening up our hearts and minds to embrace diversity and encourage our loved ones and friends to do the same.
Let’s keep the ripple effect going and make sure that love triumphs over fear.
People CAN Heal from Trauma: Introducing EMDR
EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It is an approach that has helped many, many people get beyond past distressing memories so they are free to live a full life. It is based on the idea that the mind can recover from emotional pain just as the body can heal from wounds. If you cut your hand, it heals- there is a scab and after a while- it looks as good as new. If there is a painful memory, the brain heals it so that we can go on with our lives. We would be in bad shape if we could not process the day-to-day painful events that sometimes happen to us. However, some memories are singularly traumatic (like a rape, molest, major car accident) and are called big T memories (T for trauma) and other times, there can be a bunch of little t’s such as being a child who could never express him or herself because of family chaos. These memories get stuck in what is called traumatic memory and can keep getting triggered in current life situations. What gets triggered are the images, feelings, sensations and beliefs that were generated by that memory. Sometimes not all of these parts of the memory are stimulated; maybe just a feeling or sensation is stimulated by a current event. Or for example, there could be the belief, “I am insignificant,” that may get triggered if you came from a family where you were never given emotional attention. I have had clients get majorly triggered with this exact belief and had an emotional meltdown because the customer service person took too long. When the reaction is out of proportion with what actually happened, this sometimes is a signal that a past memory has been triggered. Of course there are many other ways people can get triggered.
What the EMDR tends to do is stimulate the stuck, traumatic memory to join up with the healthy adaptive information processing that the brain does with other types of painful experiences. There are 8 parts of EMDR therapy, which I will not go into the detail here. The center of the approach stimulates both sides of the brain as the memory is quickly processed. Both sides of the brain are stimulated in a variety of possible ways including using eye movements as the title of this approach infers. We all use rapid eye movements to heal our psychological issues of the day every night during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. However, the bilateral stimulation can be done in a variety of other ways as well such as using “tappers” that vibrate each hand quickly and alternatively. The memory is then desensitized and even clusters of other painful memories may get desensitized and reprocessed. At this point the person is free of the emotional reactions that were originally caused by the distressing memory.
A certified EMDR therapist such as myself needs to go through a lot of training and supervision and needs to be recommended by other experienced EMDR therapists including one’s supervisors. Some of the studies show that 84%-90% of single-trauma victims no longer have post-traumatic stress disorder after only three 90-minute sessions. Another study, funded by the HMO Kaiser Permanente, found that 100% of the single-trauma victims and 77% of multiple trauma victims no longer were diagnosed with PTSD after only six 50-minute sessions. In another study, 77% of combat veterans were free of PTSD in 12 sessions.
If you are curious about how this kind of treatment can help you, please contact me. It is wonderful to have an approach that can end people’s suffering in a relatively quick period of time.
Do Marriage And Porn Mix?
Surviving the Holidays with a Dysfunctional Family
Not all families are a pleasure to be around in the holidays.
Here are 3 pointers to help you survive and maybe even thrive around a dysfunctional family during the holidays.
- Have other people there at the event that nourishes you.
Have someone there you can turn to for support. If there are in-laws, you need a promise from your partner that he or she will be supportive of you. Strategize before you go so that your partner knows what to do to protect and support you if certain problems arise.
- Look at the experience as an opportunity for you to grow.
For example, it could be an opportunity for you to be assertive if you tend to allow yourself to be dominated by an insensitive family member. You should have a “co-conspirator of health and growth” there to root you on.
- Have an exit plan.
If things get too toxic and there is no way to stay and maintain your integrity, be willing to leave. Discuss with your partner or friends the best way to do this in case the exit becomes necessary.
Enjoy the holidays and take care of yourself!
My ExpertBeacon Profile
Your happiness in life and love is my passion.
Through every avenue possible, including psychotherapy, speaking, TV, and writing, I’ve spent decades dedicated to empowering people just like you to have the love and success you want, in your relationships and in business.
Find out more about my background & specialties by visiting my ExpertBeacon.com profile.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
How to have a sexy passionate marriage
Would you like some great advice on how to have a sexy passionate marriage?
You’ll hear about what are the main blocks to relationship happiness and how to overcome them, my personal definition of foreplay and how important it is to intimacy health as many other important topics. The interview, Dear Mrs. D, is a friend of mine who asks great questions and helped create an enjoyable and informative dialogue with me as her guest.
Listen to the show and feel free to give me your feedback and questions.
Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dearmrsd/2013/03/05/dates-mates-key-to-a-long-hot-marriage-w-todd-creager
Find your alter ego in the bedroom
This Weekend Let Loose and Be Playful in the Bedroom
Are you very serious by day or maybe you have a very serious job? This weekend you may want to express the opposite of that in the bedroom. Let loose and be playful.
Or maybe you take orders all day from a boss or customers. You may want to be a leader in the bedroom this weekend. Or maybe you lead and manage all day and want to “surrender” in the bedroom this weekend.
In most areas of life, we need to be politically correct, do our roles and make life work. Behind closed doors, we can explore and express other aspects of who we are. We don’t always have to be so politically correct in the bedroom.
I am a believer that almost anything goes in the bedroom as long as it follows two main rules:
- It is consensual.
- It doesn’t only feel good when you are doing whatever sexual activity you are doing but that the next day, week and month, it still feels good if you reflect on what you did.
The sexual arena is a place to explore and often act outside the lines that have been drawn for you by yourself
and others in other areas of your life.
Why was “50 Shades of Gray” such a sensation? Partly because, many people live their lives including their sex lives so conventionally and they yearn to stretch their own boundaries. I am not saying that you have to be like Christian Gray or that you even have to get involved with power games (even though that can add spice to ones sex life if done respectfully and playfully).
Simply stated, give yourself permission to do something or even be someone different. Discuss this with your partner. Take the time to experience something new and different in your intimate lives.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Todd’s Thursday Thought: Do something new and different for your mind, body and spirit.
Self care leads to greater health, wealth and the ability to give and receive love.
- Do Yoga. (There seems to be a Yoga Center on every corner and most fitness centers have classes as well).
- Learn to meditate.
- Do a new and fun kind of exercise or workout.
- Start a hobby you have been thinking about doing.
- Life is an adventure.
Be open to it especially in ways that quiet your mind, increase the health of your body and lift your spirit.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Todd’s Thursday Thought for Relationship Bliss: Play Catch Part 2
In the previous article, I talked about how developing the fine art of playing “catch” with your partner is a skill will benefit your intimate relationship. This week is the second installment in this two part series where we dive deeper and I show you how to successfully initiate the game with your partner.
Don’t panic if you disagree with your partner’s point of view or if they are feeling something that you believe is based on a distorted perception. There is time later to give your point of view or express yourself.
If you want your partner to “catch your ball” you better catch theirs first.
Trust this process. Ask yourself- “How much has it benefited me in the past to interrupt him/her; to disagree or correct him/her before he/she felt heard and understood?” The answer to that question is it has it helped you at all? You can learn how to be receptive and get more of what you want from your partner.
So, why not try something new even if it takes some patience and discipline?
As you “throw the ball,” make sure you have only one purpose and that is to inform your partner of what is going on with you. When that is your only purpose (as opposed to defend yourself, punish your partner, reduce your own bodily tension), you will speak to your partner in a way that he/she can more easily receive you.
Discipline yourself to see your partner as an ally, even when you are angry and you will more easily bring out the listener in him/her. Don’t yell or get overly critical; that would be like throwing the ball too hard for the other person to catch it.
A brief example of playing catch could be this:
Partner 1: I am so angry at you. You did not remember to do the one thing I asked you to do for me.
Partner 2: (puts aside his defensive reaction, takes a deep breath and exhales) Yeah- I could see it on your face how angry you are. I don’t blame you; you really needed me to come through for you and I didn’t. Is there anything else you need to express to me?
Partner 1: (A little less angry) I just feel let down.
Partner 2: Yes- I know.
Partner 1: Alright well please remember next time.
Partner 2: I’ll write it down and put it on the refrigerator next time.
Partner 1: OK- Thanks.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
WORKING YOUR “WAFIT” TO BECOME A SUCCESS MAGNET
What is a “WAFIT?” you may ask? It is an acronym for Words, Actions, Feelings, Images and Thoughts. What words do you tell yourself throughout the day? Do you tell yourself that you are good enough or inadequate? Do you tell yourself that you can achieve what you want and reach your goals or that you will fail? Your self-talk contributes to how you feel and if you will succeed.
Do you act in ways that demonstrate courage and confidence or fear and insecurity? Do you act in ways that enhance or diminish your self-esteem? What feelings do you carry around in you throughout the day? Do you feel anxious or angry or calm and compassionate? Do you anticipate success or brace for failure? Do you have a vision (image) of reaching your goal; can you picture it? Or do you picture one obstacle after another? What is your mental picture of yourself? Lastly, what thoughts do you focus on-negative or positive?
What I am describing is the five building blocks of a belief. How we “WAFIT” creates the beliefs that we live by. Let us say that two people each want to start their own business. Person # 1 has constant self-doubt talk; “What makes me think that I can start a business?” Despite his desire to succeed, his self-doubt leads to holding back effective action. He procrastinates. He feels inadequate and frustrated as he anticipates failure. He has automatic images of himself making a fool of himself and not attracting positive attention. He focuses much of his attention on “doom and gloom” thoughts. This is a person who will not attract success. His automatic “WAFIT” creates the belief, “I will fail.”
Person # 2 understands the idea that he needs to pay attention to his internal world as well as do the necessary external things to start his business. He realizes that he has to become aware of his “automatic WAFIT” because there may be elements of his automatic WAFIT that interfere with optimal success. He wants to have the strong belief that he will be a success and have a flourishing, vital and enjoyable business. He can now ask himself what WAFIT will support this belief. His self-talk consists of affirmations of desired outcomes as well as statements that are self-accepting and encouraging. He acts “as if” he already is successful and takes actions that support his high expectations. He allows himself to feel successful and enjoys his positive anticipation of ever increasing wealth, customers and joy. He consciously imagines what success will look like in the upcoming months and years. He pictures satisfied customers and clients and a life balanced with work, family and recreation. He focuses on positive thoughts and acknowledges his negative thoughts but lets them pass through, just like clouds in the sky on a windy day.
You can be like person # 2. As you practice Conscious WAFITing, witness yourself becoming a success magnet- attracting not just material things, but love, friends and health. The next newsletter will focus on how to bring the best out of others including your intimate partner. Stay tuned.
Our energy elevates when we act within our preference and get our core needs met.
There is a higher energy cost to act outside out preferred temperament.
After several decades of studying, teaching and utilizing this concept of temperaments, (both in businesses and in marriages), I still get amazed how accurate and useful this model is. There is no question in my mind that utilizing this tool is a powerful way to improve teamwork and attract success into the workplace.
I would be happy to talk to anyone who is interested in learning more about this for themselves, their workplace and/or their intimate relationship.
Team Building in the Workplace
Utilizing Temperament Differences for Increased Success
I sometimes have the privilege to go into a business and serve as a consultant to assist in team building and conflict resolution. Many studies (and common sense) tell us that the most profitable and successful businesses are those where there is excellent collaboration between coworkers and between managers and employees. An extremely useful tool to assist in team building is understanding temperaments. The realization that there are 4 different temperaments has been known for thousands of years! In the last 75 years, our understanding of temperaments has been extensively studied and implemented in working with businesses as well as relationships.
Much conflict in the workplace has to do with not understanding differences in temperament and the gifts that a person with a particular temperament contributes to the organization. Depending on what temperament one is, the person has different core needs, values, talents and behavioral tendencies. One such temperament is called the “Theorist.” The core need of the Theorist is to have a sense of understanding and competence, and when he experiences that, he feels “alive and well.” Even though those of other temperaments also may share in wanting knowledge and competence, they are not necessarily core needs.
The Catalyst has his core needs met when he feels a sense of meaning and significance as well as living a life that is true to his unique identity. He feels most alive when he can have deep, meaningful, empathic relationships including at work. He craves self-actualization and is usually a great facilitator.
The Stabilizer has his core needs met when he feels a sense of belonging or membership. He has a strong urge to be responsibility and do his “duty.” Stabilizers are rule followers and enforcers and always can be counted on to get things done. The Stabilizers are the presidents of the PTA, the stabilizing forces in the workplace and the spouses that make sure that the family is prepared and packed for a vacation or a natural disaster!
The Improviser has his core needs met when he experiences the freedom to act NOW and the ability to make an impact. He often likes immediate adventure, is a good crisis manager and will adapt well to the situation to get the results needed. Improvisers could make excellent salespeople as well as firefighters and performers. Whereas the Theorists are great strategists, the Improvisers are great tacticians.
It would be wise for business owners to embrace the natural gifts of the Theorist to strategize and plan for the future. Likewise, Catalysts can often lift morale, tune in to the unspoken problems in the organization and help resolve conflict. The Stabilizers need to be appreciated for taking care of the logistics as well as their loyalty and dedication. The Improvisers can manage the crises that come up and be adaptable result getters.
Please understand that nobody is boxed into a certain label or Temperament. There are just innate needs and natural tendencies that we all have. It is very possible for anyone to act different than their temperament would suggest and we do. As a matter of fact, if we only acted within out temperament, our lives would suffer. The two important things to keep in mind are:
Our energy elevates when we act within our preference and get our core needs met.
There is a higher energy cost to act outside out preferred temperament.
After several decades of studying, teaching and utilizing this concept of temperaments, (both in businesses and in marriages), I still get amazed how accurate and useful this model is. There is no question in my mind that utilizing this tool is a powerful way to improve teamwork and attract success into the workplace.
I would be happy to talk to anyone who is interested in learning more about this for themselves, their workplace and/or their intimate relationship.
BECOMING A SUCCESS MAGNET
In this article, I want to talk about expectations and how expectation relates to creativity and success. Deep down inside, what do you expect from your business? Are you anticipating and preparing for success or are you bracing for failure, possibly doing all the right actions but fearful of the future? Are you open to success; do you feel the excitement in your heart of what it will be like when you raise your business to the next level?
Many business coaches talk about the importance of creating a vision. The most useful of all visions are when it is based on expectations that go beyond our comfort zone. You need to stretch your beliefs, have faith in your imagination and “go for the gold.” Positive expecting felt in your heart can be an important ingredient in attracting success while doing all that you need to do to be successful.
Expecting past your comfort level often will bring up some fear or self-doubt. Human feelings such as fear and anxiety can be expected when we are moving past old limited beliefs. When experiencing these feelings, the best things to do is 1) observe them, 2) allow your body to relax and 3) choose to focus on an image of the future that meets your positive expectations. Replace fear with excitement and positive anticipation. Then do whatever you need to do, take the risks you need to take, and enjoy manifesting your desires.
My training as a psychotherapist has helped me appreciate the unconscious mind. Whatever we expect unconsciously will help create our business results. Anthony Robbins, the famous motivational speaker, tells how he made a fortune at a young age but then lost it all. He claims that only when he looked at his beliefs and worked on himself internally to change those negative beliefs could he live the life of a wealthy man. I use the metaphor of a vessel. A narrow vessel can only hold so much water. If you get a wider vessel, it could hold much more. Your “vessel” can only hold as much wealth, love and other good things as your beliefs let you. The good news is that unlike a real vessel, you have the ability to be malleable. You can increase your capacity to receive the good things in life. If you pay attention to what you are automatically expecting and then feed yourself the positive feelings and thoughts of higher expectations, this trickles down to your unconscious mind. Then, in addition to you consciously doing the actions that could bring you success, your unconscious mind is working with you to achieve your goals. Now that is a winning combination!
BECOMING A SUCCESS MAGNET – Becoming Poised Under Pressure
Each article I write illustrates some aspect of becoming a success magnet, in other words, someone who goes after success but also attracts success. When you develop the personal attributes that attract success, your marketing and networking has maximum impact. Today, I want to talk about the ways you could face challenges and overcome blocks to reaching your potential with relative ease and poise.
When I think of the word “poise,” I have an image of a ballerina moving with fluidity and doing difficult moves with grace. Stress can weigh on us, making us slouch and even buckle. We can react to fear inducing situations by either avoiding the situations or fighting through them with our bodies wound up tight. However, just like the ballerina, life asks of us to stand tall and resist the gravitational pull of slouching or reacting to the stress. We all have within us the inner resources to take pressure off our minds and bodies and become more fluid even in challenging situations and circumstances.
TODD’S TIPS FOR BECOMING POISED UNDER PRESSURE
Breathe into the abdomen and exhale totally. If you did just this consistently, it would significantly improve your life.
Get to know your body (i.e.-where you are holding tension, where you are relaxed, your posture, how you walk, etc). Practice letting go of tension in those areas and notice the difference. Also, practice postures that reflect a sense of self-worth, confidence and trust. Walk in a manner that reflects a person who is centered, deliberate and in control.
Be process oriented. You cannot control outcomes such as what company will hire you or when your next promotion is coming. However, you can create process-oriented goals such –“I will make 10 contacts per week.” Practice shifting your thoughts away from worrying about outcomes and towards taking care of the next step toward your goal.
Be willing to lose and to “fail.” The most successful people are those that risk loss, whether it is loss of acceptance or money or familiarity. The word “fail” is in italics because I do not believe people truly ever fail, they just learn what choice not to make next time.
Practice developing a sense of trust. Ask yourself, “How would it feel and what choices would I make if I lived knowing that everything somehow is going to work out fine no matter what it looks like now?”
See your life as a learning laboratory, not a performance.
Reserve time in your life to do things that thrill your soul. You’ll know what those things are because when you think about doing that activity, you instantly begin to feel more alive or you may feel a longing if you have not done it for some time.
Practice “stopping” for a period of time on a daily basis. This could be in the form of meditation, nature walks, yoga, Tai chi, self-hypnosis, imagery, etc.
We are all defined in a sense by our fears. Our fear is our stopping point which I like to call our edge. We need to embrace our edge, that place where we are afraid to go further. We all have fears and should not pretend that we don’t. For example, I am a psychotherapist who has expanded into being a business consultant and speaker as well. At one point, the idea of going into businesses to help them with team building, employee motivation, etc. immediately put me on my edge. It brought up fear and self doubt. Next, I had to lean beyond my edge and develop the materials and make the contacts to make that happen. Another edge was raising my speaking fees (even though a part of me was gulping and fearing that I raised myself right out of an opportunity!) When on your edge, you are more visible; with more potential for success and failure. There is the feeling of being on an adventure and it is a time of welcoming the unknown.
Our relationships provide many opportunities for developing a breakthrough lifestyle. I challenged a client of mine, who was always the “good child” and never made waves, to enter a family party “high-fiving” everybody in attendance. Most of the family members enjoyed her grand entrance and the few that became concerned by this change in behavior was reassured by my client that she was “just fine.” I challenge my couples to spend time looking into each other’s eyes and a myriad of other behaviors that tear down walls and put the relationship on its edge. Intimate relationships are adventures that are truly not meant for the feint of heart. Successful relating at work also involves a degree of risk and experimenting with new behaviors and perceptions.
Challenge yourself to find and lean over your edge every day. Ask yourself, what am I afraid to reveal about myself or express or do? Find appropriate ways to take that leap. The more you do it, the more success, joy and fulfillment you will have.
How to Bring the Best Out of Others
Our behavioral, emotional and mental patterns are shaped by our earliest relationships in our family of origin. We develop as children in the context of relationships and we
continue to develop as adults in the context of relationship. We learn about ourselves primarily through other people. People can be used as a stimulus for our own growth, a receptacle for our pain or a punching bag to abuse. It is only through people that we can stretch and be the best we can be. There is an old story about a man from India who goes to the Himalayas to meditate. He is there for 25 years and becomes incredibly peaceful. After 25 years he decides to go down to join the village folk. Within seconds of being in the crowded city, he gets accidentally elbowed by a pedestrian and starts yelling at the villager to watch where he is going. True growth and emotional mastery only happens through relationship with others. Self protection or self growth is a constant choice. Self-protection takes the form of reactivity, where the reactor remains undeveloped, and there is no growth in the “other” as well. Selfgrowth takes the form of a conscious choice that a person makes to have a -constructive encounter, the by-product of which is mutual growth. Success comes in many forms. Here are six aspects of success and how they relate to relationships.
Money is about relationship
We depend on others to make money and healthy relationships lead to higher productivity. Studies have repeatedly shown that organizations that value employees and work relationships are significantly more profitable. (The whole area of emotional
intelligence at work is based on this principle).
Health is about relationship
Many studies have shown that healthy relationships lead to greater physical health and toxic relationships can actually age and kill people prematurely. It is also about the relationship between body and mind, doctor and patient, health educator and health student.
Meaningful living is about relationship
Our relationship with other human beings and even our pets create a context of purpose in our lives.
Creativity is about relationship
Art, music and other creative ventures affect our relationship to ourselves; how we know ourselves and our self-expression. Creativity is also a way to communicate our inner self with others. Meditation, prayer, yoga and other inner disciplines are about relationship.
We develop a relationship with our divine self, or God, or our “beingness,” and get to embrace these other aspects of ourselves.
Success in life is about relationship to self
Relationship to self – how do I think of myself, how do I regard myself? Do I approve of myself; do I stand up for myself? The answers to these questions all affect how successful I feel I am.
Success in life is about relationship to others
Relationship to others – how do I treat others, how do I perceive of others; do I accept others or am I judgmental? The answers to these questions affect how much success I will attract in my life.
Todd Creager is the owner and director of the Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships. His business is based on the principle that all success, both at work and at home, has to do with relationships and that the way to have a rewarding and satisfying life
is to bring the best out of others as you find the best in yourself.
DON’T FORGET YOUR SPOUSE, YOUR HEALTH OR YOUR DREAMS!
STOP! Constant business is bad for your marriage, finances, children and health. Let me prove it to you.
Most of you know I am a marriage therapist who specializes in sexuality, more specifically- how to increase sexual desire in couples. There can be many factors that go into why a partner (or both) loses their passion for each other. But after 25 years of doing this, I can tell you that THE #1 FACTOR is “not stopping with your partner.” We have not had the role models that showed us the importance of sitting down with one’s partner, getting curious about them, asking questions to get to know more deeply who they are, what they feel, what they want. The partners that learn to do this also tend to slow down and get to know each other sensually and sexually as well. This does wonders for their sex life. Most couples are very capable of having this kind of relationship.
Entrepreneurs who learn to slow down and stop, have the opportunity to reflect on what is working and not working in their businesses. They can make new, improved decisions based on what they realize. They have the opportunity to tune into their intuition and follow the advice of their heart. This also leads to better decision making. The result of all this invariably is MORE MONEY. Many of my coaching clients have discovered this to be true.
Parenting experts talk about the need for children to have quality time with parents. Fifteen minutes of totally stopping with your child is better than hours of being busy around your child. Stopping with children is similar to stopping with spouses in that your attention is totally on that child with every other distraction (including distracting thoughts) being in the background. This is such a powerful way to significantly contribute to bringing up well adjusted children.
Your body is meant to be in a state of balance, Yin and Yang, activity and rest, being and doing, Your body is constantly giving you feedback about the necessity of stopping (Via feelings of fatigue, stress, etc,) If you do not pay attention to your body’s messages, you may just get a cold. People that have truly learned that art of not paying attention to their body may develop more severe physical or emotional problems. (In addition to not feeling well, there are time costs to not being in optimum physical health-i.e.-doctors visits, needing more rest and sleep than normal, etc.) There is a reason people feel so good after a Yoga class or meditating or a walk in nature. They are giving the body what it needs. The body needs you to stop.
What is so great about stopping is that when you go again you are more efficient, productive and creative. As a matter of fact, one of the biggest ways people LOSE TIME is to be constantly busy. There are many cycles and rhythms in life and the more we attune to our own energy rhythms, the more we will allow ourselves to stop. How many people do you know that are happy being constantly busy? Yes, there is a temporarily relief to get one more thing done on your list. However, develop the trust and faith that if you slow down you will give yourself MORE TIME.
Stopping is a way to receive from life. Take in life; take in your partner. Savor your food; do not eat to fast. Enjoy your children. Remember the real reasons why you do the things you do. It is probably to enjoy your life more. So stop, take a nice deep breath in, exhale all the way out and slow down. See how much your life improves and feel free to let me know about it.
Finding Your Edge and Leaning Beyond It: Creating a Breakthrough Lifestyle
What is a breakthrough lifestyle? It is one where breakthroughs are consistent and consciously planned. As I heard Stephen Covey say, “Every breakthrough involves a break from.” We are all creatures of habit who get caught in a web of comfort and stagnation unless we break from old unhelpful habits of speaking, acting, feeling, imaging and thinking.
If left to our automatic functioning, we tend to stay in our comfort zones which prevent us from growing and developing as human beings which in turn prevents us from reaching our financial, relationships and spiritual potential. There is an unconscious psychological “gravitational pull” that keeps us inert. The reason for this pull is to protect us from the unknown and all its imaginary dangers. The problem is that instead of protecting us, it actually does the opposite. Paradoxically, the best way to be safe in this world is to risk and risk consistently.
We are all defined in a sense by our fears. Our fear is our stopping point which I like to call our edge. We need to embrace our edge, that place where we are afraid to go further. We all have fears and should not pretend that we don’t. For example, I am a psychotherapist who has expanded into being a business consultant and speaker as well. At one point, the idea of going into businesses to help them with team building, employee motivation, etc. immediately put me on my edge. It brought up fear and self doubt. Next, I had to lean beyond my edge and develop the materials and make the contacts to make that happen. Another edge was raising my speaking fees (even though a part of me was gulping and fearing that I raised myself right out of an opportunity!) When on your edge, you are more visible; with more potential for success and failure. There is the feeling of being on an adventure and it is a time of welcoming the unknown.
Our relationships provide many opportunities for developing a breakthrough lifestyle. I challenged a client of mine, who was always the “good child” and never made waves, to enter a family party “high-fiving” everybody in attendance. Most of the family members enjoyed her grand entrance and the few that became concerned by this change in behavior was reassured by my client that she was “just fine.” I challenge my couples to spend time looking into each other’s eyes and a myriad of other behaviors that tear down walls and put the relationship on its edge. Intimate relationships are adventures that are truly not meant for the feint of heart. Successful relating at work also involves a degree of risk and experimenting with new behaviors and perceptions.
Challenge yourself to find and lean over your edge every day. Ask yourself, what am I afraid to reveal about myself or express or do? Find appropriate ways to take that leap. The more you do it, the more success, joy and fulfillment you will have.
The Importance of Stopping
STOP! Constant business is bad for your marriage, finances, children and health. Let me prove it to you.
Most of you know I am a marriage therapist who specializes in sexuality, more specifically- how to increase sexual desire in couples. There can be many factors that go into why a partner (or both) loses their passion for each other. But after 25 years of doing this, I can tell you that THE #1 FACTOR is “not stopping with your partner.” We have not had the role models that showed us the importance of sitting down with one’s partner, getting curious about them, asking questions to get to know more deeply who they are, what they feel, what they want. The partners that learn to do this also tend to slow down and get to know each other sensually and sexually as well. This does wonders for their sex life. Most couples are very capable of having this kind of relationship.
Entrepreneurs who learn to slow down and stop, have the opportunity to reflect on what is working and not working in their businesses. They can make new, improved decisions based on what they realize. They have the opportunity to tune into their intuition and follow the advice of their heart. This also leads to better decision making. The result of all this invariably is MORE MONEY. Many of my coaching clients have discovered this to be true.
Parenting experts talk about the need for children to have quality time with parents. Fifteen minutes of totally stopping with your child is better than hours of being busy around your child. Stopping with children is similar to stopping with spouses in that your attention is totally on that child with every other distraction (including distracting thoughts) being in the background. This is such a powerful way to significantly contribute to bringing up well adjusted children.
Your body is meant to be in a state of balance, Yin and Yang, activity and rest, being and doing, Your body is constantly giving you feedback about the necessity of stopping (Via feelings of fatigue, stress, etc,) If you do not pay attention to your body’s messages, you may just get a cold. People that have truly learned that art of not paying attention to their body may develop more severe physical or emotional problems. (In addition to not feeling well, there are time costs to not being in optimum physical health-i.e.-doctors visits, needing more rest and sleep than normal, etc.) There is a reason people feel so good after a Yoga class or meditating or a walk in nature. They are giving the body what it needs. The body needs you to stop.
What is so great about stopping is that when you go again you are more efficient, productive and creative. As a matter of fact, one of the biggest ways people LOSE TIME is to be constantly busy. There are many cycles and rhythms in life and the more we attune to our own energy rhythms, the more we will allow ourselves to stop. How many people do you know that are happy being constantly busy? Yes, there is a temporarily relief to get one more thing done on your list. However, develop the trust and faith that if you slow down you will give yourself MORE TIME.
Stopping is a way to receive from life. Take in life; take in your partner. Savor your food; do not eat to fast. Enjoy your children. Remember the real reasons why you do the things you do. It is probably to enjoy your life more. So stop, take a nice deep breath in, exhale all the way out and slow down. See how much your life improves and feel free to let me know about it.
Your Energy and Your Money
Making money has to do with two processes. One is external; one is internal. The external process has to do with action. Most of us do not make money by sitting in our room. (Even lottery winners have to take a walk or drive to the liquor store!) We need to get out, make contacts, perform our job, pursue our career, go to school, etc.
All those verbs- get, make, perform, pursue and go are necessary for financial reward. The more over looked process is the internal process which has to do with laws of attraction. A central question for this process is, “How do I lift my energies to higher frequencies so that I can attract success?” Our psyches are comprised of a conscious and unconscious mind. Your unconscious is communicating to my unconscious mind, like radar. If my energy is high, you will want to be around me, do business with me, help me and allow me to help you. If it is low, you will be repelled by me possibly for reasons you are not even consciously aware of. Chances are you will do business with the next coach/consultant that does similar things that I do who has a higher energy.
What do I mean by “high” or “low” energy? Basically, you have high energy when you are in emotional states such as accepting, loving, joyful, kind, peaceful, enthusiastic, compassionate and courageous. You have low energy when you are in emotional states such as apathetic, sad, guilty, insecure, anxious, frustrated and angry. All these feelings, both high and low are normal, inevitable feelings that we experience being alive. Denying our “lower” feelings is not helpful and ultimately leads to other problems. Then, how can you lift your energies in this multifaceted, sometimes quite wonderful, sometimes quite painful life that you live?
When it comes to life’s pain, find a support system, whether it is a therapist, trusted friend, clergy or some other person(s) who can listen. The more our painful feelings can move, the more pleasant feelings can move in. (Think of the word emotion; its root meaning has to do with movement-motion, locomotive, motivation, etc are all derivatives having to do with movement).
Pay attention to what you can be grateful for. Gratitude is a very high energy.
Be willing to take on life as an adventure. This moves you right up to the energy state of courageousness. Risk intelligently and be open to success. Have fun with the process of becoming more prosperous.
Develop a thicker skin for “failure” and “rejection.” In reality, failure and rejection is just one way to look at a situation, and not the most creative way. Another way to look at it is- with every failure and rejection, you are that much closer to achieving your goal. Have fun getting rejected. It is no big deal!
Give of yourself in any way you can. Trust that it will come back to you.
Jody- Below is an updated description of my work. Let me know if it is too long. It is very complete as is but let me know. Also, sorry about my lateness with this. It has been a little busy around here with my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah on the upcoming Saturday. Take care.