Marriage and long term intimate relationships can be passionate, juicy and alive. If you don’t believe that, you are not alone. About 15 months ago, when I told my brother the title of my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” he asked if the book started with the words, “Once upon a time!” Funny, yes, but also it is an example of how the majority of people have come to believe about marriage and sex. One person was actually somewhat offended by the title of my book saying that I was perpetuating a lie on a vulnerable public!
The problem is we are all copy cats. We do what we have seen and heard throughout our lives. If we have not witnessed our parents having a “juicy” relationship, unless we consciously make new choices, we will create the same thing. What else are we going to do? And then, we believe that our self- created reality is the only reality. It’s not. If you think, do and say new thoughts, behaviors and/or words, anything is possible. The problem is that if we live life “on automatic”, we will think similar thoughts, do similar actions and say similar words as our ancestors when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
How many of us have seen one parent look lovingly into the other parent’s eyes and maintain the gaze for a period of time- and do it consistently, not just at their silver anniversary party? How many of us have seen one parent say to the other- “I am angry at you” and the other maintain an emotional presence and without defensiveness, retreat or hostility say- “Oh- Tell me more about what you feel?” How many of us men have been taught that it is more important to listen then to “fix” our wives? My questions can go on and on and the answer is the same. Hardly any of us have witnessed these kinds of interpersonal scenarios. In my next post, I will give specific examples of how to create this positive intensity. Stay tuned!