You can live by the limited choices and patterns of your ancestors or you can continually reinvent yourself.
You are not your past patterns or thoughts or feelings.
You are your true self, free to live openly, fully and passionately.
Orange County Marriage Therapy
Watch this short video and find out:
Own it, embrace it and express your shadow!
Here’s to getting the love you want,
Todd
Photo credit: my dearvalentine
Ready or not, this article once read and applied will make you sexier. Sexy is about adding color to a life that may be too black and white. Sexy might be about revealing something new and intriguing about yourself to your partner. Sexy might be about revealing a sexy fantasy or asking your partner about his or hers.
If you remember about my last article that I wrote about in December, I talked about the importance of listening to yourself to discover something new or possibly different in yourself that you may want to get to know. I’m strongly suggesting that you stop resisting aspects of yourself that you may have been resisting before, whether it was conscious or unconscious. This could be the year that you go outside your box and accept the previously unacceptable. We are not talking about doing anything harmful or illegal. This is more about unsurpressing aspects of you that can be noticed and possibly acted on.
Okay, let’s stop beating around the bush (no pun intended). Ask yourself about a sexual fantasy you may have or sexual preference that you have that you had been too embarrassed or too afraid to discuss with your partner. Did you come up with something? If you did write it down.
As I discussed in the last article on communication, communication involves both expressing and listening. You’re going to have to get your partner ready for this new communication so that he or she is open to listening and being receptive. That’s right, in healthy communication you need to be sensitive to the person you are communicating with.
Here is an example of what has worked with partners doing this that I saw in my private practice:
“Honey, I want to share something with you to open me up a little bit with you. Is it ok if I share something a little risqué with you?”
Once she says yes, you now have the green light and she won’t be so blindsided. If she responds positively to it, you have just opened the relationship up to another level. If she responds negatively, the absolute best thing you can do it to become a curious and interested listener. Ask her, “What are you feeling when you react that way?”
Once she expresses her negative emotions and you listen well and be understanding, there is a good chance that her own curiosity will take over and she may shift toward a more positive response. It may happen right away; it may happen a week from now. Stay open to your experience and accept your choice to express and at the same time, be open to her experience. You may have to revisit that dialogue numerous times.
Change is great and needed in relationships but people resist and cling to the familiar.
Life is truly what you make it to be. 2014 can be the year that you make a choice; a choice to be more alive, more creative, and claim your place in your intimate relationship as a powerful interpersonal partner who can affect change, positive change with your partner.
We all come from families the powerfully shaped who we are. Our parents and grandparents had their own style of communicating and had levels of awareness that we have had no control over. Basically we have received the legacy of their own state of consciousness. 2014 can be the year that you choose to go beyond your ancestries level of awareness and begin having options that they never had in their intimate relationships and in their world.
Commit this new philosophy to words and actions. Communicate your sexual fantasy or preferences to your partner. Be sensitive to her reaction (or his).
If you need any help with this new pattern you are beginning, please feel free to contact me. I’ll be happy to be your coach to help lead you to a sexier, more satisfying, more fulfilling relationship in the year 2014. You can contact me by calling at 714-848-2288 or you can email me at Todd@ToddCreager.com.
This weekend, play a stripping game with your partner.
Come up with some trivia questions what you each believe your partner has at least a chance of knowing the answer to.
Make sure that you know the answer.
If your partner answers the question right, you take off an article of clothing. (Make sure you have enough articles of clothing to make the game last a while).
If your partner gets the answer wrong, he or she has to take off an article of clothing. What you do when one of you is totally naked is totally up to you!
And one more thing I would like to let you know about:
You are worthy of love, happiness, and a beautiful life. Today, I’d like to give you the chance to listen in on one of the most transformational conversations on love and happiness that I am a part of this year.
My friend, Cole Bombino, an international Self-Love Coach and Yoga Teacher, has invited me to the The Self-Love Secret! The Self-Love Secret is an incredible special collaboration of experts who want to support you.
Cole asked me and over two dozen others (authors, speakers, thought leaders and experts on love) to join in on a conversation that will show you exactly how you can create a life filled with confidence, freedom, and loving relationships this year using out greatest tips to cultivating self-love and trust.
And guess what, I’m inviting you to join The-Self Love Secret for Free :http://theselflovesecret.com/ToddC
You’ll get special access to some of our lifetimes greatest leaders chat about cultivating:
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to listen in. There is no better mission than the one to spread love.
This is our gift to you. Say yes to yourself, and join me for this transformational free event. Your life is sure to shift into that love you have always known was possible.
Here’s to Getting the Love You Want!
A wildly satisfying sexy life all starts with listening to yourself
The communication I’m talking about here is not just verbal communication and it’s not like the communication I’ve been talking and writing about before. What I am talking about here is using your words, your tone, your energy to lift you as well as your relationship to a more alive place.
Communication is made up of two main events:
Listening and Expressing
Communication begins with YOU. And the key to communicating your way to a wildly satisfying sexy life begins with learning to listen to yourself, getting to know yourself in ways that maybe you didn’t before. Communication starts with you being receptive to who you are; not just the part of you that you know well but the parts of you that you hardly know it all.
One question I ask my clients to ask themselves a lot is:
“What is it that I avoid paying attention to in myself because
it makes me feel too uncomfortable?”
To start communicating your way to a widely satisfying sexy life, you need to get curious about some of the more mysterious and even forbidden parts of your psyche. For example, what are some feelings you have towards people around you that it’s hard to admit to whether they are positive feelings are negative feelings? What are some of your sexual fantasies and other secret desires that are hard to admit to yourself and even harder to share with others for fear of being looked at in some negative way?
One useful self-perception is that you are more than your perceptions of yourself.
Living your life according to this paradox opens up new options for you and new ways to be in the world. It also opens up new ways for you to be in your relationship.
I’ve said this many times…that some of the major problems in relationships come from living in a very self-protected way. We tend to try very hard to keep things the same and to keep things familiar. Yet if we truly want to have a widely satisfying sexy life, we need to be open to discovering through listening to the different parts of who we are. Paying attention to yourself will lead to huge dividends because there are parts of you that you probably are not feeding emotionally and psychologically (because you have learned to not pay attention to those parts of you). Why doing this will pay huge dividends to yourself is that once you feed these more hidden aspects of who you are, you will be healthier and happier.
Typically, the parts of us that were not paid attention to as a young child; we continue to not pay attention to those parts as an adult. For example if you came from a family where sexuality was taboo, you may have a difficult time owning your own sexual desires, fantasies and preferences. As you continue to be curious about the parts of you that you typically don’t pay attention to and don’t express to yourself as well as others, you will also find newfound energy.
Much of what makes us tired, depressed, and bored is what we have learned to not pay attention to in ourselves.
This lack of awareness of the more mysterious, shadowy sides of ourselves also leads us to project onto others those parts of ourselves that we can’t accept. An example of this in my practice is the woman who puts a lot of pressure on her husband to be the sexual Don Juan because she is not able to own her own sexuality. In other words, he needs to do all the sexual work and then wonders why he feels so much pressure that he can’t perform. This particular couple that I am thinking of, (a true couple) made vast improvements in their sexual relationship when she started to own her sexuality, which took some of the pressure off him and then they both had the opportunity to explore their sexual selves.
Here are some tips to help you explore other sides of yourself:
Communicating your way to a wildly sexy and satisfying life starts with listening to yourself.
Open your heart and open your mind to parts of you that you have learned to not pay attention to before. Follow my recommendation to ask the question, “What is it that I’m avoiding in myself?” Dare to live by that self-perception I talked about before which is that you are more than your self-perceptions.
This is a great way to start learning how to communicate your way to a phenomenal life; by listening to yourself. In future articles and videos I’ll be discussing many other aspects of communication. This kind of communication I’m talking about will lift you, your relationship and your life to new and unfamiliar places. It’s where you need to be to have more joy more fulfillment and more passion in your life.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Family relationships can challenge us to the core.
They trigger us often to act in ways we do not want to act. Think of a family member that triggers something unpleasant in you. Notice how you protect yourself by your typical reaction.
This weekend, ask of yourself to open when typically you might close off or protect yourself. Stay open to your experience of that person even if it is uncomfortable. Choose to feel that feeling and release it as opposed to react around it. With this mindset, it gives you more options in how to relate to that particular family member.
Yes, as you look at that relationship and reframe it from a negative one to one that can allow you to grow, you can even embrace that family member!
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Communication Starts with You… A Personal Holiday Story
I am a firm believer that we all are a work in progress, myself included! I want to share my own personal holiday story from a few years ago. I hope my story and what I learned will help you too!
We were off to a holiday get together, my wife and I and our two children. As we are driving to my brother’s home in LA, my wife looks at me and says “You know you look terrible.” I said “Thanks for the compliment.” She said “I’m not trying to put you down; I’m just concerned.” I said “I don’t believe I am sick, but definitely I’m not feeling as good as I would like to.”
So we went on our merry way and arrived at my brother’s house. After a while, we were all sitting around the dining room table about to partake in the holiday meal. My wife once again looked at me and said, “Todd don’t take this personally but you still look terrible.” I knew she really wasn’t trying to be mean and we both had a slight chuckle about it. I said to her, “I will be right back.”
I left the table and went upstairs to my niece’s room. As I sat quietly by myself in the dark room, I asked myself a very important question. Actually I asked my belly a very important question. That may sound strange to ask my belly a question but what I was really doing was trying to get in touch with what was going on inside of me. I am well aware that many of us spend most of the time reacting to external events with very little awareness of what we are truly experiencing on an emotional level.
So I asked my belly this very important question:
“What are you feeling, belly?” Just the intention of tuning in to whatever emotions were going on in my belly made it really easy to experience what I was experiencing- which was sadness. I did not know why I was experiencing sadness; all I knew was that I was experiencing sadness. As soon as I tuned in to what I was experiencing, my sinuses all began to open up- one sinus cavity after another seemed to release and open. (One more piece of evidence of the mind-body connection). I started to have an instant sense of well-being that I had not had all day.
I was gone a total of about three minutes. When I came downstairs and sat in the chair at my brother’s dining room table, my wife looked at me and said – “What did you do? Drugs don’t work that fast!” I laughed and I told her quietly that I had consulted my belly. She looked at me like I was some odd person and then she said, “Whatever works!”
As I continued to converse with my extended family, it was only then that I got clear what some of the sadness was about and was very aware of the people that I was emotionally reacting to. Because I was clear on what was going on with me, I was able to assert myself and express myself in very clear and self-caring ways. I continue to have a sense of well-being throughout the entire family get-together and was able to deal with some of the guilt-evoking sentences that were being foisted upon me by several of the family members.
I learned a big lesson that day…
Mainly, if I’m going to spend time with my extended family I probably need to spend some time with me first. Communication took place in those 3 minutes. My belly spoke and I listened! Because I took those three minutes to do that I actually had a pretty good time and felt physically well.
Here’s my take away for you from my holiday story.
You experience feelings and desires all the time. Be mindful of what they are by tuning into your body. I consulted my belly; I could’ve consulted my heart as well. These two parts of our bodies store a lot of our emotions. As you tune in to your heart and/or belly and get clear what’s going on with you, you will be in a much better position to take care of yourself no matter what the family dynamics are at your holiday get-together.
This holiday season I want you to tune in, express and assert yourself, and embrace the time you have with your family.
This weekend, splurge on a real romantic date.
Find a restaurant that is really set up for intimacy. Of course, splurging does not necessarily mean with money. (not saying that there is anything wrong with splurging with money). You can also splurge (or be generous) with your energy. Here are couple of suggestions:
Just make it special.
Creating an ambiance that suggests that you cherish your partner is the key. Pay attention to the mood you create or the mood that is created by the special place you take her (or him).
Celebrate your relationship! Don’t wait for it to get better. Celebrate it and it WILL get better.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Basketball season is in full bloom. Take your partner to a nearby basketball court (indoors or outdoors- it does not matter) and shoot some baskets with each other. It does not matter how good you are; have fun being terrible.
If you are skilled, teach your partner a few good moves and shooting techniques. Make plays together.
To me, team basketball is as close to dancing as any sport. As you both make plays to each other, passing, shooting, dribbling, you can develop a cooperative atmosphere while you are playing and doing something you have (probably) never done before.
If you want play an overtime period, go home and take a shower together!
Here’s to getting the love you want!
What is Your Partner Complaining About NOW?????
(Probably the same old thing)
I have been married for over 29 years. During our first year of marriage, my wife discovered a few things she didn’t like about me. Guess what- I am still a work in progress. My wife stopped complaining about a few of those things early in the marriage but one or two of them have continued throughout. Yes, she still has the same complaints. And you know what- that is perfectly ok. Because like I said, I am still a work in progress. I have not self-actualized in those areas. Some habits need work; those are the ones that if I do not pay attention real closely, I will do or say that same dumb, unhelpful thing again. And I know you relate to this because we are all in the same boat. We all have been told things about us that we have heard many times before. My wife as well as my life is a mirror for me; a mirror that gives me the chance to see myself in ways that are hard to see from the inside of me.
I remember learning in graduate school about something called the Johari window. It was actually named by two men named Joe and Harry and they were so humble that they never gave their last names and as far as I know, to this day, nobody knows who those 2 people really are. (At least that’s what I heard, but I digress).
Information about me that I know and others know | Information about me that I know and others don’t know |
Information about me that others know and I don’t know***** | Information about me that I don’t know and others don’t know |
Above is a diagram of the Johari window. It depicts 4 kinds of information about me. An example of the upper left quadrant is that I am a therapist who writes articles on relationships. I know this and you know this; it is public knowledge. An example of the upper right quadrant is that I am typing this in my pajamas. I know this and you didn’t (until now). Examples of the lower right quadrant are impressions I had as a fetus or other unconscious material. Neither I nor others know this information about me. Now for the lower left quadrant, that is where the petal hits the metal in relationships. These are where our blind spots are. There are things about me that I only know through the feedback of others. It takes a while for most of us to get to the point where we humble ourselves enough to finally accept that we are not the only authorities on ourselves. Now that does not mean that your partner or whoever is giving you feedback is always right; sometimes the negative feedback the other person is giving you is far more about the other person than you. People can project their own “stuff” unto you. However, upon getting that feedback, you need to take a non-defensive, slow hard look at yourself and what your partner is saying. Look at it from his or her angle. Think about if others have had the same mistake. See if it resonates with you at all. Be as open as possible to the possible truth of that statement. Look for the truth on the feedback even if it seems mostly untrue or unfair. You need to set aside your ego to do this. If, after all that, it still does not resonate with you, then is just may be more about the other than you. However, most people do not go through this process before they make that determination. Instead they get immediately defensive and decide that they are the only authority on themselves.
The asterisks are in the quadrant of the Johari Window because this quadrant is so crucial for healthy relationships and for your own personal growth. So, the next time your partner tells you that same old complaint- say “THANK YOU. I will work on that area on myself.” I am not kidding; a thank you is truly in order if you look at your life and your partner as your mirror. And one more thing, if you want her or him to stop complaining, then change that part of yourself. In most cases, you can do it. Those one or two things my wife still complains about- I think I am ready to change those things completely. I am ready for different complaints rather than the same old ones!
Time to get a little out there this weekend…
Have fun with this: Create a song for your lover. It could be short; write down some lyrics that are romantic, loving and/or appreciative and put some music to it. The music could be either your own original score (could be the start of a new career for you) or find some other song you already like and match your lyrics to the music. Rehearse it a bit and perform if for her by Sunday night. (You don’t even have to tell her or him it as my idea).
Here is a variation on that theme; something I did for my wife many years ago. Go to a karaoke place and see if there is a way they could record you doing some love songs for your partner. You or the studio could easily burn a cd and give it to her or him as a gift. I did that and it was great; my voice was not near as good as I thought it was (actually I was pretty bad!) and my wife and I had a few good laughs but it really had a positive effect on her and she loved the effort!
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Ask yourself this difficult question: Am I keeping something from my partner that she or he really should know? Am I not being transparent and hiding some part of me due to some fear? These fears could include-
1) Fear of being judged
2) Fear of being rejected
3) Fear of being “found out”
4) Fear of being abandoned
5) Fear of conflict
Sometimes the reason for not telling our partner something is because it is TRULY in the partner’s best interest and if that is the case, there are times when it is best not to tell. (This is not a black and white world!) However, you need to be rigorously honest on this one; is it truly in your partner’s interest or your own? Generally, secretes rob the partner of being able to make an informed decision based on the truth.
This weekend, ask that question and if willing and if it is in your partner’s best interest to know (which it often times is), courageously reveal your truth. The side benefit for you is that what you share ultimately can be accepted by yourself. Many of my clients claimed that once they shared, they felt less shame and guilt. Most importantly, your partner knows you more and is in a better place to know what he or she could or should do with this truthful information.
My happiest couples are those that are vulnerable and open with each other, even the tough stuff.
Telling the hard truth is one of the steps on the way to having a long hot marriage.
INTERPERSONAL CREATIVITY
On being the powerful, amazing, loving person you are
Could you imagine going to a concert where the musician just played one note? How much would you pay for THAT concert? Imagine a painting that was just one gray blob of paint? How much would you pay for THAT picture? Relationships, just like music and art are places to bring out your creativity. You can add color, vibrancy and joy to your relationship. When most people are courting, they are full of creativity- dates are planned, romance happens and sex is hot. So why do most relationships end up lifeless and devoid of passion?
Two reasons why this happens:
1) We have not experienced or observed a whole lot of creative relationships in our ancestors (i.e.-parents, grandparents
2) As relationships go on, there always is pain and disillusionment.
So what do you do about this?
Regarding reason # 1- you need to be a maverick, a pioneer. You need to think thoughts, do things and say words that you have not seen before. You need to remember your power; power to raise the energy of your partner, your relationship and you. You need to practice thinking the best thoughts about your partner and you. You need to do things that uplift your partner’s energy. (Ask yourself- what does my partner need from me that if I did that thing, she would feel GREAT?) You need to say words that are kind, encouraging and uplifting.
Life is not about being neutral; it is about bringing something to life and when you do that, life usually brings something back to you. The areas of life where you thrive are when you show up and stand out. In relationships, it is no different. Your relationship is your personal art project. What can you do to make it a masterpiece? This is not how we usually think regarding our relationships. In order to make a masterpiece, you need to bring your attention to the project. You can make that happen; don’t even wait for your partner to make the relationship a masterpiece. So here is the recipe for making your relationship a masterpiece:
Mix significant amounts of kindness with significant amounts of appreciation towards your partner every day. Then add consistent attention and practice the skill of seeing the best in your partner. Take care of yourself and make sure that you have significant amounts of energy left for your partner. Find ways to surprise your partner, plan dates and be romantic. Touch frequently and make your sex life a priority. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a therapist or coach if you are stuck. And keep your eye on the prize- a phenomenal, loving, satisfying, passionate relationship. That will get you through your inertia and laziness.
Regarding reason # 2 – you feel pain. Maybe you’re disappointed, hurt and/or angry. Maybe you feel betrayed in some way. Maybe your partner feels these things toward you. Every relationship has emotional pain; it is inevitable. Here, too, you need to be interpersonally creative. Most people are tension reductive when it comes to their pain; they feel pain and they either fight (i.e. – raise their voice, bicker, get intense) or flight (emotionally or physically withdraw, do drugs or alcohol, have an affair).
Don’t let your pain push you around or end your relationship. Before you quit, try getting creative with your pain. This requires building your emotional muscle so that you can communicate successfully with your partner. This requires creative management of your emotions in such a way that you increase and not decrease your emotional connection with your partner. If you become creative in communication and sharing your pain with each other, the pain can actually be a launching pad to new heights of closeness and connection with your partner.
Pain never ends relationships; disconnectedness ends relationships. As you develop a creative, receptive and successful way of communicating your feelings, these painful feelings dissolve into more positive experiences such as warmth and compassion. I have seen many a couple shift from the darkest places to “LIVING IN THE LIGHT” of joy and love by developing the emotional muscle to be creative in the midst of experiencing intense emotional pain. It can be done. This transformative process is the key to not only surviving dark times but thriving in your committed relationship.
Interpersonal creativity is the intent and follow-through to lift your relationship to new heights of joy and love. You cannot wait for it to be easy; you cannot wait to be in the mood. Decide to develop your interpersonal creativity. Get some help if you need to. As I wrote before, the prize is waiting- a relationship that keeps giving back. One of my greatest joys is witnessing couples experience that shift from a negative or neutral relationship to a creative, nourishing one. You deserve this; even if you have not seen too many creative relationships before.
Don’t be average. Be amazing. Be interpersonally creative.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Last week I asked you to take an inventory of yourself.
This weekend, I want you to pick something that has been missing and go after it. Take steps, even if there are baby steps to go get it. Also, pick something you need to work on in yourself and commit to working on that one part of yourself.
For example, this weekend, I am going to work on talking more kindly to my wife even if frustrated. It is my intent and my mission. There are great payoffs for living a life of growth, development and self-improvement.
Go for it and enjoy the fruits of your labor!
My friend and colleague, Julie Orlov, psychotherapist and executive coach (yes, she is also the REAL thing) has been helping singles and couples navigate their love life with a different kind of road map. She’s unlocked the code on how relationships develop throughout our lifetime – and, when you know this code, you can know just what to expect from your relationship each and every step of the way, and just what to do to make it great.
Julie’s created something I’ve never seen anywhere else – a powerful road map that takes you through the four phases of a developing relationship (every relationship goes through these, and is always “developing,”—even if it’s been going for fifty years), showing you exactly what to do so that you move through each phase on to deeper levels of love and intimacy. (And so you don’t needlessly mess things up!)
You absolutely need to have this in your relationship tool box for 2013.
Click here to discover more about these phases and the incredible program about it all.
AND, I’m so excited to join Julie LIVE on her show “Pathways to Love” on Sunday October 27th, 2013 at 1:30pm PST. Tune in LIVE as we talk about “The Aftermath of Affairs: How to Heal as a Couple” (Or watch it anytime in the archives.)
Call in with your comments and questions at (323) 473-3100. I would love to hear from you and I know you will thoroughly enjoy Julie’s show!
AND don’t forget to check out The Pathway to Love at-home program now!
Here’s to getting the love you want!
Take a long hard look at yourself this weekend
What have you been ignoring in yourself?
What is missing in your life?
What are you appreciative for in your life?
What are your strengths?
What are things you need to work on in yourself?
Ask your partner or other loved ones what they are seeing in you. Be willing to be open to what they say and what you discover in yourself.
Appreciate YOU for taking the time to get deeper with yourself.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
I’m so excited to join Julie Orlov LIVE on her show “Pathways to Love” on Sunday October 27th, 2013 at 1:30pm PST. Tune in LIVE as we talk about “The Aftermath of Affairs: How to Heal as a Couple” (Or watch it anytime in the archives.)
Call in with your comments and questions at (323) 473-3100. I would love to hear from you and I know you will thoroughly enjoy Julie’s show!
Here’s some background on my friend and colleague, Julie Orlov. She is a psychotherapist and executive coach (yes, she is also the REAL thing) has been helping singles and couples navigate their love life with a different kind of roadmap. She’s unlocked the code on how relationships develop throughout our lifetime – and, when you know this code, you can know just what to expect from your relationship each and every step of the way, and just what to do to make it great.
Julie’s created something I’ve never seen anywhere else – a powerful roadmap that takes you through the four phases of a developing relationship (every relationship goes through these, and is always “developing,”—even if it’s been going for fifty years), showing you exactly what to do so that you move through each phase on to deeper levels of love and intimacy. (And so you don’t needlessly mess things up!)
You absolutely need to have this in your relationship tool box for 2013. Learn more about Julie’s amazing program right here