Check out my third installment in the Naughty and Nice Series. I’m talking about the importance of being BOTH Naughty and Nice in your relationship.
Here’s to Getting The Love You Want!
Orange County Marriage Therapy
We fall in love and everything is wonderful. But sooner or later, we learn that leaving our marriage on autopilot doesn’t work too well. Each of us has the power to strengthen our relationship and keep passion alive if we pay attention to our partner’s needs and stretch ourselves to meet those needs. Yes, marriage asks us to become more and better than what we were before.
Read more at expertbeacon.com for an extensive “Do’s and Don’ts” list=> Strengthening Relationship
Following these simple rules to live by will help you be an amazing partner.
This is a true story from my personal dating experience. I had broken up with a girl friend after being in a long term relationship and I was about to go on a first date.
I’m sure many of you can relate to the fact that I was nervous and I really wanted to make a good impression on her. Continue reading the story at: http://datingadvice.com How To Be Interested, Not Interesting where you’ll find out how the date went, the important lesson I learned and an important tip you can use on your next date.
Photo source: idiva.com.
In Part 1 of Naughty and Nice, https://toddcreager.com/naughty-nice/, I write how the problem with most couples is that each partner is unconsciously cut off from a part of him or herself. I have had many couples come to see me whose passion was cut off. Many of these couples were kind, loving and polite with each other. Or one partner was impulsive and egocentric and the other person was selfless and easily pushed her needs aside.
Here In Part 2, I want to give you an example of a process that happens so that a couple can reclaim their eroticism and have both loving, sweet moments and “hot sex.”
Hot sex does not mean that you are necessarily having multiple orgasmic sex (though it might) or that you are having sex in positions that would qualify you as a contortionist (though good luck to you if you can).
Hot sex is about celebrating your sexual and sensual experiences today; it is about being fully absorbed with each other.
I was working with a couple with the following scenario: The husband had an affair with his wife’s best friend, which of course was very painful. He said that one of the things that made this other woman more attractive was that she was more sexually aggressive. His wife came from a family where her mother and maternal grandmother were very sexually conservative and taught my client to be proper and restrained. She obeyed their directives and became cut off from her raw sexual self. She had sex but it was more to please her husband than to please herself.
Meanwhile, he came from a family where he was emotionally isolated and cut off from his feelings like the rest of his family. The only way he could feel alive was when he experienced high sexual arousal and orgasm. He was not very good at foreplay because being good at foreplay at least in part means that you can take your time and enjoy every little sensual experience. He went rather quickly to the orgasm which actually continued his wife’s perception that sex was for him and not her.
In order to work on the marriage together:
Once those two things took place, we were ready to create a partnership where there was room for BOTH to be naughty and nice. As far as the wife, she needed to recognize her automatic fear responses when it came to her own sexuality. She became aware of her automatic muscle contractions in her body when pushed a little past her sexual limits. I suggested that she begins dancing sensually in front of a full length mirror with gyrating hips and provocative, sexual facial expressions. If she had trouble with that, she needed to watch videos of other women expressing their sexuality in this way. She agreed and did follow through and found that little by little, her self-concept broadened to being a sexual person. Next she was to dance like that in front of her husband.
Meanwhile, her husband had to work on being “nice;” in other words, thoughtful, caring and sensitive to his wife’s stretching. He needed to be patient and giving. He needed to give up his limited perceptions of his wife and be an encourager and even a cheerleader if necessary (even if he did not feel like doing that). Once I saw him putting in more effort, I asked his wife to act “naughty” in front of her husband. That is when she started to dance, tease and seduce him. She was not very comfortable but as she continued with her husband’s sensitivity and encouragement, she really started to take on these roles.
She did not stop being nice; She just added “being naughty” to her psychological menu. He did not stop being “pleasure-centered.” He just added being nicer to his psychological menu. Here now were two people more complete than before.
Those of us in the profession of helping couples emphasize values such as kindness, generosity and empathy. I have spent countless hours with couples bringing out these qualities in each partner even when under duress.
We teach communication skills such as expressing yourself using “I” statements and using non-blaming sentences.
We teach listening skills, helping couples wait their turn without interrupting their partner.
This is all good and very important…
However, since I specialize in sex therapy, I have seen many a couple develop these great qualities and thrive in the kitchen, den and living room, but still be disconnected and disappointed in the bedroom. Why would that be? Isn’t being warm, thoughtful and loving enough for a great sex life? Not necessarily and for many couples the limitations in the bedroom have to do with something quite the opposite.
There are many lovers out there who have a very difficult time being selfish. Sex is about giving, but it is also about receiving. Many people have grown up in families where they learn to inhibit their so called selfish urges especially when it comes to sex. Asking your partner to do a certain sexual act or touch you a certain way or accept your wild fantasy is not easy for some of you. You have learned lessons such as “you have to put others first.” That may be admirable but a number of sexual problems manifest due to not being selfish enough.
Take for example a man who learned early on the rewards of being a good boy. This hypothetical (yet common) man maybe even had to take care of his needy mother. This hypothetical mother needed her boy to meet her emotional needs. He needed to be a super achiever; he may even have needed to be the sensitive male his father wasn’t. This man as an adult then meets a woman and he is very loving, cherishing and kind to his new girlfriend; as a matter of fact the girlfriend has never met anyone as sweet and kind as him. Their sex life is pretty good also. Then they get committed; they get married and something starts to happen. The man seems less interested in sex. She gets resentful that she has to initiate and get sex going all the time. He is great everywhere else in life but in the bedroom, he is passive. This is what can happen when a person (in this case the man) has been taught to be nice but has not been allowed to be “naughty.” Once he commits, he slips into the role of helper, giver and all around nice guy. His inability to be selfish, ask for what he wants and reveal his own unique sexual self (with his desires, preferences, etc.) makes sex unappealing at an unconscious level. He does not know why he is not interested in his beautiful wife. And this is just one possible example of how too much nice and not enough naughty can put marriages in jeopardy.
In Part 2 of Naughty and Nice, I will go into the different ways highly successful sexual couples are both naughty and nice.
For this article, I want to emphasize that we all have learned to cut off a part of who we are. It is the nature of families where certain parts of us are encouraged (like the nice, sensitive part of the man above) and other parts of us are discouraged (like the sexual, aggressive, hedonistic part of the man above). Our sexual lives are places where we can explore our shadow sides; those sides that may feel somewhat alien to us but that when we experiment with those parts and roles, we come alive. It is as if our life energy is being stored behind one of the doors that we have never dared to open. However, when we take that courageous leap of faith and we open that door, being alive never felt so exhilarating. Using the sexual arena of our lives to open that forbidden door is one of the great gifts of sex in a long term relationship.
One of my greatest joys in my sex therapy is when a conservative, inhibited conforming partner begins to experiment with her alter ego; the wilder, crazier, sexual side. She starts to realize that this recessive side of her is who she is as well. That is why it feels so good; she is more whole than before as she claims her “naughtiness.” And when you feel this good about yourself, you know what is true- it is much easier to be nice!
This weekend take your partner or date somewhere you have never been before; somewhere totally new and different for you. Ask others what were some of the unique and different places they have gone or events they have been to. Maybe we are talking about a type of restaurant that is different than any you have been to. Or maybe a new kind of dance place or even shopping experience.
Here is a link to inspire new thought and action:
http://galadarling.com/article/very-definitely-not-dinner-a-movie
Please let me know right here where you went, what you did and how much you enjoyed it (or not). Go for it!
Here’s to getting the love you want!
I was recently quoted in a article about being over connected on the Fox News site.
When you stop to consider the progress we have made as a society to be connected, it is amazing. But does all of this connectedness make sense?
Check out the article and read more at: http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2013/05/16/over-connected-dark-side-to-internet-things/#ixzz2VBLQ05vL