Archives for September 28, 2026

Both partners ask this question, usually alone, usually at night: why? I’m Todd Creager, and after 35 years of sitting with people on both sides of an affair, I can tell you the honest answer is rarely satisfying and almost never simple — but understanding it matters, because you can’t prevent what you don’t understand.

It’s Rarely About the Affair Partner

This is the part that’s hardest to hear and most important to understand: in the vast majority of affairs I’ve seen, the affair partner is almost incidental — a symptom of an opening, not the cause of it.

Fixating on what that other person had “that I don’t” usually leads nowhere useful. The real story is almost always happening inside the marriage, or inside the partner who betrayed, long before that other person ever entered the picture.

I say this to betrayed partners often, and it’s hard to hear at first: the affair partner is rarely the reason. They’re the opportunity. The reason is almost always something that was already present.

The Five Real Pathways to Infidelity

Disconnection: partners who’ve slowly drifted into roommates, where an affair fills a loneliness that built for years. Avoidance: someone who doesn’t know how to raise hard truths in the marriage and finds it easier to escape from pain than to speak up.

Entitlement: a belief, sometimes conscious, often not, that personal unhappiness justifies the choice — common in people who’ve never had to sit with discomfort. Unhealed wounds: old attachment injuries, family patterns, or unresolved trauma that show up as a need an affair temporarily numbs.

Opportunity plus poor boundaries: sometimes it really is that simple — proximity, attention, and a person who never built firm lines around what they’d allow close. Most affairs involve more than one of these, tangled together, which is why a single explanation rarely satisfies either partner.

Understanding Is Not Excusing — And Why the Distinction Matters

I want to be very clear about this, because clients worry about it constantly: exploring why never means the affair was okay, and it never transfers responsibility to the betrayed partner. “I understand why you were lonely” and “Therefore it was fine” are two entirely different sentences.

Understanding is for prevention and healing — not for absolution that was never anyone else’s to grant. Once a couple can name the real pathway, not as an excuse but as an honest map, the work becomes specific instead of vague.

Couples who skip this and jump straight to “moving on” are often the ones who find themselves back in my office years later, sometimes with a different affair. The reason isn’t punishment — it’s prevention. If disconnection caused this, the couple needs to learn to reconnect, not just apologize.

What to Do Next

If you’re trying to understand why this happened in your relationship, start here:

• Separately, each partner should reflect honestly on which of the five pathways feels closest to true — without presenting it as a defense.
• Have one conversation focused only on understanding, not blame or forgiveness yet.
• If old family patterns or past trauma seem connected, consider individual support alongside couples work.
• Turn the insight into a specific change — not a vague promise to “do better.”

Once a couple can name what actually happened — not as an excuse, but as an honest map — the healing work becomes specific instead of vague. That specificity is what my program is built to walk you through.