Archives for September 17, 2026

Hi everybody, Todd Creager here. A lot of the men who call me have the same story. Their body works fine on its own. Then they get into bed with someone whose opinion of them counts, and something tightens. They’re in their head, watching and grading, and the harder they try, the less the body cooperates. Nothing is physically wrong, and that’s what makes it so maddening.

These men are stressed out, frustrated, and very often carrying a lot of shame. Sometimes there’s a partner who’s taking it personally, which adds another layer.

I want to talk about sexual performance anxiety in a way most people haven’t heard it talked about, because I think the usual explanations need an update. What I’ll share comes from internal family systems, and I’ve watched it work with many men. It makes sense, and it’s kind, which matters a great deal when shame is in the room.

So let’s start with what’s actually happening in the bedroom.

Why Sexual Performance Anxiety Happens When Nothing Is Physically Wrong

A manager part has entered the bedroom. That’s the short answer.

In internal family systems, we understand ourselves as having parts. Some of those parts carry old wounds, often from when we were much younger, that made us feel we weren’t good enough or that we were shameful in some way. IFS calls those wounded parts exiles, because they get pushed off to some corner of the psyche so we can get on with life without having to feel that pain every day.

Other parts take on the job of guarding those exiles. These are the managers. A manager monitors. It controls. It plans ahead. Its whole purpose is to keep shame from happening before it ever has a chance to happen.

For a lot of men, this manager formed early, around experiences of being judged or having to prove themselves to earn approval. And the manager’s job is to make sure the exile, the part that believes “I’m not enough,” never gets that belief confirmed.

Now bring that into the bedroom. You get into bed, and instead of being in your body, you’re watching yourself from the outside. You’re anticipating results. You’re guessing what your partner is thinking. Does that sound familiar? That’s the manager working overtime, trying to make sure the exile never has to feel what it felt the first time someone made you believe you weren’t good enough.

Here’s what most people miss. The manager is not your enemy, and it’s not broken. It formed for a good reason and it has been loyal to you for a very long time. It has no business being in the bedroom, but it doesn’t know that.

One more thing worth saying. This same pattern shows up anywhere a man wants something he doesn’t have conscious control over. Athletic performance. Sleep. Blood pressure. Any time you’re trying to prove you’re okay through something the body has to do on its own, a manager can step in and create the same kind of panic. Sex is where I hear about it most, but the mechanism is the same.

The Cruel Loop: Why Trying Harder Makes Performance Anxiety Worse

The harder the manager works, the worse the experience gets. That’s the cruel part of this story.

Monitoring kills presence, and presence is the only thing that actually allows your body to respond naturally. You can’t think your way into arousal. You can’t perform your way into connection. So the manager, which is trying to protect you from shame, ends up creating the exact conditions that produce it.

Let me make that concrete. A man gets into bed and immediately starts grading. How’s it going? Is this working? What is she thinking right now? Every one of those questions pulls him further out of his body and into his head. The body, sensing that attention has left, doesn’t respond. The manager reads that as evidence and gets louder. Now there’s more monitoring, less presence, and the loop tightens.

Add a partner who takes it personally, who wonders if he’s still attracted to her, and the pressure doubles. The manager now has two people to protect him from disappointing.

This is also why so much of the standard advice fails. “Relax.” “Don’t overthink it.” “Focus on her.” Every one of those instructions becomes another task the manager takes on. Now you’re monitoring how relaxed you are. You’re evaluating how well you’re not overthinking. A technique for better performance is still performance, and the manager knows how to run that program better than anyone.

You can’t out-effort a part whose entire strategy is effort. Something different has to happen.

Thanking the Manager: The IFS Way Through Performance Anxiety

The way through isn’t a technique for better performance. It’s recognizing the manager, thanking it for trying so hard, and asking it to step back long enough for your Self, with a capital S, to actually be in the room.

Yes, I said thanking it. I know that sounds strange when this part has been making your life miserable. But remember what it’s been doing all these years. It has been standing guard over a very young, very hurt place inside you. Gratitude is the honest response. And parts that feel appreciated are far more willing to step aside than parts that feel attacked.

Once the manager steps back, something else becomes available. IFS calls it Self, and it’s the part of you that carries what we call the C words. Clarity. Curiosity. Compassion. Connection. It’s the part of you that has the capacity to be with your partner in the here and now instead of somewhere above the bed evaluating.

The commitment sounds something like this, and I have men say it to themselves: “I’m here. I’m with me. I’m with you, parts. I’m with my partner no matter what the experience.”

No matter what the experience. That last piece is the whole thing.

When you can be in your body with that presence of Self, present with your partner instead of grading yourself, the anxiety doesn’t have anywhere to stand. Not because you conquered it. Because the part that was generating it finally trusted you enough to let go.

I want to be honest about the nuance here, because every man’s situation is different. Sometimes the manager is judging. Sometimes it’s scared. Often it’s both, and there may be more than one. Befriending these parts takes practice, and for many men it takes some help to get there, especially when the exile underneath is carrying real trauma. What I can tell you is that I’ve helped many men experience that connection to their own body and their own Self, and that connection is what lets them connect with their partner.

The body tends to do what it does when it’s naturally doing what it does. That is never the goal. It’s a byproduct.

What To Do Next

You don’t need a perfect understanding of internal family systems to start. You need to catch the manager in the act and change your relationship with it.

• Notice the moment you leave your body. The shift from feeling to watching is the manager arriving. Learn to spot it.
• Name it. Silently or out loud: “That’s my manager. It’s here because it thinks I’m about to feel inadequate.”
• Thank it. “I know you’re trying to protect me. Thank you. I’ve got this right now.”
• Say the commitment. “I’m here. I’m with me. I’m with my partner no matter what happens.”
• Tell your partner what’s going on. When she understands this is a protective part and not a verdict on her, the pressure drops for both of you.
• Drop the goal. Any night where you stayed present is a good night, whatever the body did.

Your first step today is the first bullet. Spend the next week noticing when you go from being in your body to watching it, in any situation, not only sex. That awareness is where the work begins.

If you’d like a guide for the rest of it, that’s what I’m here for.

You called because your body stopped cooperating and you couldn’t figure out why. Now you know. Nothing is broken. A loyal, overworked part of you walked into a room where it doesn’t belong, and it’s been trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

You can befriend that part. You can bring your Self back into the room. And when you do, your body gets to be a body again instead of a test you keep failing.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual performance anxiety, reach out. I’m definitely here to help.

This is Todd Creager, making the world safe for love.