Archives for August 12, 2026

Forty-two years married this August, and I still catch a part of me trying to run the show.

There’s a sensation that shows up first. Tension in my chest and jaw. And then I’ve already said something before I knew I was going to say it, and it’s usually defensive, and it’s usually some version of turning it around so it’s about her instead of me.

I’m a couples therapist. I’ve spent decades helping people through infidelity, betrayal, disconnection, the whole range of it. And none of that makes me immune. We therapists aren’t immune to anything our clients deal with. What has actually made a difference in my own marriage is learning to recognize which part of me is talking.

Below is what I’ve learned about my own patterns, the two protective parts that cause me the most trouble at home, and what changes when I catch them in time.

Your Protective Parts Show Up Before You Do

In the internal family systems model, the reaction you have with your partner is almost never coming from the whole of you. It’s coming from a part. And that part is fast, faster than thought, because its whole job is to get between you and a wound before you feel the wound.

We all have wounded parts and we all have protective parts. We also have a Self with a capital S, the part with the capacity for calmness, curiosity, compassion, courage, clarity. Self is the part of you that can notice all the other parts without being taken over by them.

The protectors sort roughly into two kinds. Managers work ahead of time. If someone carries a feeling of not being good enough, the manager keeps it together, keeps it presentable, keeps the insecure part hidden. Firefighters show up after the pain has already started, and they put the fire out by leaving. Yelling is leaving. Getting defensive is leaving. Gambling, drinking, scrolling your phone while your wife is talking to you, going completely silent, all leaving.

I’m more of a fighter than a flight-er. I get short. I can raise my voice. Not that one is better than the other, I just tend to bark back.

Here’s what most people get wrong about all of this. They decide their reactive part is the problem and go to war with it. That doesn’t work. That part is loyal. It has been protecting you since you were small and it isn’t going to stand down because you’ve decided it’s inconvenient. The other thing people miss is that the quiet ones are protectors too. The partner who never raises his voice and just goes flat isn’t calm. That’s a firefighter doing the same job with better manners.

The People Pleaser Part Costs More Than the Conflict Would Have

My other protector doesn’t yell at all. It manages. It tries to calm me down by calming everybody else down, and it does it at my expense.

I don’t want conflict. I don’t want to disappoint people. I want people to like me. Don’t we all? There’s a big expense to living that way, though, and it took me a long time to see it.

There’s a real difference between choosing to put my needs aside for a moment because somebody else’s needs matter more right now, which is a normal part of any marriage, and putting my needs aside because a part of me is scared of what happens if I don’t. First one is generosity. Second one is protection wearing generosity’s clothes.

So I ask myself a question now. Is that people pleaser lurking around somewhere? And if the answer is yes, I ask the follow-up: what do I actually want here, and what do I need to say that might rock the boat but at least means I showed up?

I’ve become what I call healthily selfish with my wife. I say what I’m feeling even when she might not like hearing it. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m trying to be me.

Here’s the part I didn’t see coming. I like her more. Not because she changed. She’s the same lovely lady I’ve been married to for forty-two years. I like her more because I’m no longer editing myself around her, which means I’m no longer quietly building a case against her for things she never asked me to give up. The people pleaser doesn’t just cost you your voice. It slowly makes your partner into the reason you don’t have one.

Being Misunderstood Is Not an Emergency

The perfectionist part of me believes that if I’m not right, I’ll be seen as inadequate or as a disappointment. So when my wife says something about me that I know isn’t accurate, that part moves fast to correct the record.

What I used to do was interrupt her. “No, you’re wrong about that, this is what’s going on, blah, blah, blah.” And here’s what happens next, every single time: it doesn’t matter whether she was accurate or not. She feels dismissed. Nobody who feels dismissed has ever gone on to have a good conversation.

When I’m on my game, it goes differently. I can feel the part that wants to be seen in a good light, especially when I did the right thing and got misunderstood anyway. I can breathe. I can soothe myself in the moment. And then I can say something like, “You didn’t hear me say what I think I said, but you didn’t hear it, so you felt ignored, and that made you really upset.” I can make room for her experience, because my protective part hasn’t hijacked me. Then it becomes my turn to advocate for myself. And if she still doesn’t see it my way, that’s not the end of the world either.

Underneath all of it is a five- or six-year-old. My parents fought, and that little boy decided it wasn’t safe to have any conflict. I know it’s safe now. That part doesn’t know. So I don’t argue with him. I comfort him.

Which brings me to the piece that matters most and gets skipped the most. You can practice this awareness for years and still get hijacked, because a protector will not fully relax while the wound it’s guarding is still raw. That’s why the healing work matters. Internal family systems, EMDR, other methods that get to the core, so the wounded part can finally process what happened and the protector gets to put down a job it’s been doing since kindergarten. I’ve done this as a client, not only as a therapist. I’m getting better at it and I’ve got a long way to go. I think we all do.

How to Start Catching Your Own Parts This Week

You don’t need a full treatment plan to start. You need to be able to spot the handoff, the moment a part takes the wheel.

Find your tell. Mine is tension in the chest and jaw right before I speak. Yours might be heat in your face, a flat feeling, a sudden urge to check your phone. Name the physical signal and you get a half-second of choice back.

Ask which part is talking. Fighter or pleaser? Manager smoothing things over, or firefighter trying to end the pain right now? Just naming it takes some of its power.

Let one misperception stand for sixty seconds. Next time your partner says something inaccurate about you, don’t correct it immediately. Breathe. Reflect back what she felt. Then take your turn.

Say one true thing you’d normally swallow. Small one. Watch what happens to your resentment level over the next week.

Get the wound looked at, not only the behavior. If the same protector keeps taking over no matter how aware you are, that’s information about what still needs healing.

Start with the first one today. Everything else depends on catching the handoff.

If you’re finding that the same fight keeps happening no matter how much awareness you bring to it, that’s usually the point where working with someone helps. That’s the work I do with couples, and it’s the work I’ve done on myself.

Forty-two years in, and the thing I’d say to anyone in an intimate relationship is this: this is one of the most rewarding and most challenging arenas you’ll ever grow in. The growth is in developing the emotional muscle so your protective parts don’t take over, and in healing the wounded parts so those protectors don’t have to work so hard.

If your reactions with your partner feel bigger than the moment deserves, reach out. That pattern has a history, and history can be healed.

Here’s to another year. This is Todd Creager, making the world safe for love.