How do you defend yourself from being a victim of gaslighting?

In my earlier article about what is gaslighting, I defined gaslighting as what someone does to make you doubt yourself and make you feel like you’re the crazy one or the wrong one.

In reality the person who is doing the gaslighting is just refusing to take responsibility for anything.

Gaslighters sometimes are very conscious and intentional about what they are doing and sometimes they do the harmful things they do as a defense so that they don’t have to face their own reality or accept life as life is. (as opposed to their ideal idea of what life should be including a perfect, doting, 100% devoted selfless partner who has no needs of their own).

Whether doing it intentionally or not, gaslighters can be very harmful to the other person’s health and self-esteem.   

Here are 5 tips that can help you defend yourself from being a victim of gaslighting

Tip #1:  Start to See yourself in a different light

Just know that we are all flawed human beings and that even if there’s some truth to what a gaslighter is saying, you do not deserve to be treated poorly or to feel bad about yourself.

One of the most powerful tools gaslighters and other manipulators do is mix up truth with falsehoods.

There can be some bit of truth that you may have a flaw or even that you may have acted in some negative way. However, the gaslighter will link that human behavior with an overall generalized statement about who you are as a person to evoke shame that could make you doubt yourself and your worthiness as a human being.

Just know that despite flaws which you have in common with all of humanity, you ALWAYS deserve to be treated well.

If you are constantly feeling bad around this person, it is a sign that the other person is projecting negativity onto you and that is on the responsibility of the other person.

Be determined to push back when those negative projections are placed on you.  

In a nutshell, this defense is about accepting your flaws and not accepting any negative treatment despite your flaws.

Tip #2:  Make a shift from feeling like a victim

Shift your mindset from feeling like a victim and giving this partner who gaslights you so much power to a much more realistic projection.

A gaslighter who is incapable of allowing for your different opinion or your different sets of desires; a gaslighter who is incapable of taking a look at his or her own responsibility in any given situation, is really weak.

One of your best defenses might be a mindset that sees this other person as weak and you as capable and strong. That is probably more truthful then what it looks like on the surface.

Just like when the dog, Toto pulls back the curtain and you see that the fierce scary Wizard of Oz is just this little man who is pretending and who is quite flawed and insecure, so it is with your gaslighting partner.  

As you pull off (with your own imagination and focused thinking) this person’s veil of power, you become less scared and your courage and your clarity become your best defense.

Tip #3:  Practice techniques of self-compassion.

When you’re with a person who keeps mirroring back a false negative projection of you, you need to find ways to remind yourself that you are worthy and loving.

The best way to stop from being a victim of gaslighting in this case is to practice self kindness.

What are the words that you would need to hear to make you feel like you are okay after all? Discover those words and practice lovingly saying those words to yourself.

If this is difficult, imagine that it was a friend of yours who is going through the same thing and think about what you would say to that friend first. Then, direct those words towards you. Or you can imagine a loving friend that would say those things to you and imagine that person saying it to you if you having trouble receiving it from yourself.

Ultimately, you want to be able to say those  phrases and words that you really need to hear that would make you feel okay about you.

Spend some time  meditating and in that meditation drop in those kind phrases that counteract the negativity that you are under in your relationship with this gaslighting partner.

Tip #4: Spend as much time with those people that see your value.  

Take in the loving behaviors and gestures and kind words that these resourceful people, caring people say and do towards you.

If you don’t seem to have these kinds of people, I would suggest that you find a support group, a therapist, a 12-step group such as Al-Anon or all of the above so that you can be around people that see and mirror the best in you.

These are people that have no need to manipulate or belittle you like your gaslighting partner. The more time you spend with these kinds of people, the more inner strength you will have to set boundaries with this gaslighter

Tip #5:  Exit the relationship:

My last tip for this article in how to defend yourself against a gaslighting partner is to exit the relationship.

It will definitely be helpful to do steps 1 through 4 to give you the strength and the inner resources to let go of this toxic relationship. Unless the gaslighting partner seems  willing to go into therapy and change his or her underlying factors that lead to this gaslighting pattern, it might be best to move on as soon as possible.

If you need some time to plan your exit by making more money or getting your life more in order, then strategize and be grateful to yourself that you are taking the steps even if it’s not immediately changing your interpersonal situation.

I have helped countless number clients develop the inner strength, courage and tools to deal with a gaslighting partner.

Often I have seen that when the “gaslit” partner does his or her work, it increases the chances that the gaslighting partner is willing to do the work he or she needs to do as well. Like I mentioned above, that is not always the case.

In these cases I help the client develop that exit plan with support systems both inside of them and in their interpersonal relationships to help them get ready to leave a painful, shaming relationship and reclaim their life and their happiness.

I’m here if you need my assistance.