Communication Tips & Advice

Why You Shut Down During Arguments (And It’s Not Because You Don’t Care)

December 11, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

This post is about something I see almost every week in my therapy office.

A couple sits on my couch, and one person goes quiet. Not the angry quiet—the disappearing kind. Their chest sinks, their voice gets small, and their partner thinks they’ve checked out. But here’s what’s really happening: their nervous system just hit the shame button, and they’re not avoiding the conversation—they’re drowning in it.

TL;DR: When you shut down during conflict, it’s usually not apathy or stonewalling—it’s a shame response. Your body is trying to protect you from feeling like a bad, wrong person. This article shows you how to recognize when shame takes over and how to stay present for yourself and your partner without collapsing.

But here’s what most people miss:

→ Shame shutdown looks like “not caring” to your partner, but it’s actually a sign you care so much that your nervous system can’t handle the perceived threat of being “bad”

→ Over-apologizing is often a shame response, not real accountability—and it doesn’t actually help repair

→ You can’t talk your way out of a shame spiral; you have to work with your body first

I’ve spent over 30 years working with couples, and I can tell you that shame-driven shutdown is one of the most misunderstood reasons we disconnect.

It gets mistaken for indifference, avoidance, or not trying. But I’m going to show you what’s really going on and how to work with it.

What Shame Actually Does to Your Nervous System

When shame hits, you’re not making a choice to shut down. Your body is doing what it learned to do, probably when you were young. Maybe you had a parent who shamed you, or you got the message that your feelings were too much, or you learned that being visible when you messed up was dangerous.

In my practice, I use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help people heal from the original shame wounds. But before we get there, you need to understand what’s happening in the moment.

Your nervous system has three basic responses to threat: fight, flight, or freeze. Shame triggers that freeze response—what we call the shutdown reaction. Your chest literally collapses. Blood flow to your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) decreases. You feel small, young, and wrong.

I worked with a woman named Cheryl—names changed for privacy—who would go completely silent whenever her husband Jerry expressed disappointment. Not regular quiet. Gone. Jerry would feel abandoned, which made him push harder, which made Cheryl shut down more. Classic cycle.

Here’s what was happening: Cheryl’s mother had shamed her growing up. Any mistake meant you were a bad person. So when Jerry was upset, Cheryl’s 6-year-old self took over. That part of her believed she was fundamentally wrong, and the only option was to disappear.

The difference between guilt and shame matters here. Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Guilt can actually be useful—it helps you recognize when you need to repair something. But shame? Shame makes you unavailable because you’re not arguing about what happened; you’re trying to survive the feeling that you’re inherently wrong.

How to Know When Shame Has Taken Over

Pay attention to your body. Shame has a specific signature, and once you recognize it, you can start working with it instead of being hijacked by it.

In sessions, I ask people to notice:

→ Where does your chest go? (Usually it collapses inward)

→ What happens to your voice? (Gets quiet or disappears)

→ How big do you feel? (Small, young, like a child)

→ What’s the thought? (Usually something all-or-nothing: “I mess everything up” or “It’s all my fault”)

One client told me, “Every time we argue, I feel like I’m 6 years old and I just want to hide in my room.” That’s exactly it. You’re not actually 6, but that’s the age that shows up when shame takes over.

The language of shame is black and white. You’ll hear yourself think:

→ “I always do this”

→ “I’m the reason we’re not okay”

→ “I mess everything up”

→ “I can’t do anything right”

That “all or nothing” thinking is a red flag. Your adult self knows that relationships are nuanced. But shame doesn’t do nuance. It deals in absolutes.

Why Your Partner Thinks You Don’t Care (And What’s Really Happening)

This is where it gets tricky. From the outside, shame shutdown looks like:

→ Not caring

→ Giving up

→ Avoiding responsibility

→ Not being present

So your partner feels abandoned. They think you’re not trying, or you’re checked out, or you don’t value the relationship enough to engage.

But from the inside, you’re not checked out—you’re overwhelmed. You care so much that your system can’t handle the possibility of being seen as wrong or bad. The shame is so big that your nervous system shuts you down to protect you.

I’ve seen couples where the betrayed partner thinks the person who cheated is “stonewalling” when they go quiet. But often, what I’m seeing is shame collapse. The person who betrayed is flooded with “I’m a terrible person” and their body literally can’t stay present with that feeling and their partner’s pain at the same time.

This doesn’t excuse the behavior. But understanding it changes how we work with it.

The Moment That Changed Everything for Cheryl

We worked on helping Cheryl recognize the exact moment shame kicked in. Not after—right when it started. She learned to notice that chest collapse, that voice disappearing, that young feeling.

One time, Jerry came home frustrated about something minor—I think dishes or plans that got mixed up. Cheryl felt the familiar pull to collapse. But this time, instead of spiraling, she paused.

She placed her hand on her heart—something we’d practiced in session—and whispered to herself, “You’re safe now.” Just that. She felt her feet on the ground. She took three breaths. And she imagined her adult self stepping forward to sit next to that 6-year-old part.

The young part was still there, still scared. But Cheryl wasn’t fused with it anymore. She could be present for that part while also being present for Jerry.

She walked over and sat beside him. Didn’t explain. Didn’t apologize. Just sat close and breathed.

Jerry told me later, “That was the first time I felt like she stayed. Like she didn’t disappear into shame.”

What Actually Repairs Connection (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)

Most people think they need to apologize their way back to connection. But over-apologizing from a shame state doesn’t work. It actually keeps you small.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” from a collapsed chest isn’t repair. It’s appeasement. Your partner can feel the difference.

Real repair comes from presence. Not explanation. Not making yourself smaller. Just staying.

Your partner doesn’t want the shame-ridden version of you. They want you whole, grounded, and available. They want to know you can stay with them and stay with yourself at the same time.

Here’s what I tell clients: You don’t have to have the perfect words. You don’t have to explain everything. You just have to stay in the room—emotionally and physically.

The Practice That Changes Shame Shutdown

When you notice shame coming up, try this four-step process. I’ve used this with hundreds of people, and it works when you actually practice it (not just when you’re already in the middle of a meltdown):

1. Name it Say to yourself, “This is shame. This isn’t the truth about who I am.”

Just naming it creates a little space. You’re not the shame; you’re noticing the shame. That’s your adult self coming online.

2. Notice it in your body Where do you feel it? Chest? Throat? Stomach? Don’t try to change it. Just notice. “My chest feels tight and small.” “My throat feels closed.” “I want to curl up.”

3. Regulate This is where you work with your nervous system directly:

→ Put your hand on your heart or your belly

→ Feel your feet on the ground

→ Take three breaths where your exhale is longer than your inhale (this activates your parasympathetic nervous system)

→ Look around the room and name what you see (this brings you into the present)

4. Reconnect Once you’re a little more regulated, you can reconnect. Sometimes that’s sitting close to your partner. Sometimes it’s making eye contact. Sometimes it’s just saying, “I need a minute, but I’m here.”

The version of you that can do this—that can notice shame, work with it, and stay present—that’s the version your relationship needs.

What to Do When Your Partner Is the One Shutting Down

If you’re the partner watching someone collapse into shame, this is painful. You feel alone. You might get angry or push harder to get them to respond. That’s normal.

But here’s what helps: Recognize that their shutdown isn’t about not caring. It’s about caring so much that their system gets overwhelmed.

You can say something like, “I can see this is hard for you. I’m not going anywhere. Take the time you need.” Give them space to regulate without abandoning them or making them wrong for the response.

Some people need a few minutes. Some need an hour. You can ask, “What do you need right now?” But don’t interrogate. Don’t make them explain why they’re shutting down while they’re in it. That just piles shame on top of shame.

When they come back, acknowledge that they came back. “Thank you for staying with this” or “I’m glad you’re here” goes a long way.

The Long-Term Work: Healing the Original Shame

What I’ve described above is about managing shame in the moment. But the deeper work is about healing the original wounds that created the shame response in the first place.

This is where EMDR comes in. In my practice, I help people process the early experiences that taught them they were bad, wrong, or too much. When you heal those wounds, the shame response doesn’t get triggered as easily.

I’ve seen people who couldn’t stay in a room during conflict learn to stay present, even when things are hard. Not because they’re forcing themselves, but because their nervous system isn’t interpreting disappointment or frustration as a threat to their fundamental worth.

This takes time. It takes professional support. But it’s possible, and I’ve watched thousands of people do it.

Your Relationship Needs You Whole, Not Small

I want you to remember this: connection doesn’t come from erasing yourself. It comes from showing up as fully as you can, even when it’s hard.

When shame tells you to disappear, your relationship suffers. Not because your partner needs you to be perfect, but because they need you to be present.

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to never feel shame. But you can learn to recognize when it’s taking over and bring yourself back.

That’s the work that changes relationships. Not perfect communication. Not never messing up. Just the ability to stay—with yourself and with your partner—even when it’s uncomfortable.

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself, know that you’re not alone. Shame-driven shutdown is one of the most common patterns I see. And it’s workable. You can learn to stay present. Your relationship can heal.

About the Author

I’m Todd Creager, a licensed clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist. I’ve been working with couples for over 30 years, helping them heal from infidelity, rebuild connection, and break free from patterns that keep them stuck. I specialize in using EMDR to help people heal from shame and trauma, and I’ve worked with thousands of individuals and couples who thought their relationships were beyond repair. Most of them were wrong about that.

The insights in this article come from decades of sitting with people in their hardest moments and watching what actually works to help them reconnect. If you’re struggling with shame in your relationship, there’s help available. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Watch the video and get personal insights from Todd on why you’re shutting down during conflict

Why You Freeze During Conflict (And How to Stop)

November 27, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

When Your Body Shuts Down During Conflict: Why You Freeze and How to Stay Present Without Saying a Word

You’re in the middle of a difficult conversation with your partner. Their voice rises slightly, maybe there’s frustration or disappointment in their tone. And then something happens inside you—your mind goes blank, your body feels heavy, and you can’t access words even if you wanted to. You’re still sitting there, but you’ve gone somewhere else entirely.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’re experiencing what I call the freeze response, and I’ve watched it play out in my office for over 40 years of working with couples. What looks like indifference or rejection to your partner is actually your nervous system trying to keep you safe from emotional overwhelm.

Here’s what you need to know right now: Freezing isn’t a character flaw or a relationship death sentence. It’s a survival mechanism. But here’s what most people miss—you don’t need to force yourself to talk your way out of it, and your partner doesn’t need to get louder to pull you back. There’s a completely different way through this that has nothing to do with finding the right words.

The bigger issue? Most couples don’t understand what’s really happening when one person goes blank during conflict. They think it’s about not caring enough to engage, when it’s actually about caring so much that the intensity becomes unbearable. That misunderstanding creates a painful cycle where one partner pursues harder and the other retreats deeper.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through what freezing actually is (it’s not what you think), why it happens to some people and not others, and most importantly, how to stay present in your body even when your words disappear. I’m also going to show partners of people who freeze how to respond in ways that help rather than make things worse.

This isn’t about fixing yourself or your partner. It’s about understanding how your nervous systems work and learning to work with them instead of against them.

What’s Actually Happening When You Freeze

Let me tell you about a client I’ll call Martine. She described freezing as “like my soul leaves the room. I’m here, but I’m not.” I’ve heard some version of this from many clients over the years. That absence—that’s what their partners feel most acutely.

Her husband Larry would get expressive when he was frustrated or disappointed. Not yelling, not aggressive, just more animated. And every single time, Martine would shut down. Her eyes would go distant, her body would still, her voice would simply stop. And the more she retreated, the more desperate Larry became to reach her. He’d talk more, ask more questions, try harder to connect. Which only pushed her further away.

This is the pattern I see again and again. The person who freezes isn’t choosing withdrawal. Their nervous system has made the choice for them.

When you freeze, your body is responding to perceived threat the same way it would if you were facing physical danger. Except the danger isn’t physical—it’s emotional intensity that feels too big to handle. Your system essentially says “I can’t fight this, I can’t run from it, so I’m going to shut down and wait for it to pass.”

Here’s what’s happening physiologically: Your heart rate might actually slow down (different from the fight-or-flight response where it speeds up). Blood flow redirects away from your extremities. Your thinking brain goes offline. You might feel numb or disconnected from your body. Time might feel strange—either moving very slowly or in a blur.

None of this is conscious. You’re not deciding to check out. Your body is trying to protect you from what it perceives as overwhelming emotional flooding.

Why Some People Freeze and Others Don’t

The freeze response usually has roots in your history. Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict was scary—loud voices, unpredictability, or worse. Maybe you learned early that speaking up made things worse, not better. Maybe you were punished for expressing emotions, so you learned to make yourself very small and very quiet.

When you’re young and truly powerless in a situation, freezing can be adaptive. It helps you survive. The problem is that your nervous system doesn’t always update its threat assessment as you grow. So even in adult relationships where you’re safe and have choices, that old wiring can kick in.

I’ve worked with clients who had no obvious trauma but still freeze. Sometimes it’s about temperament—some people are naturally more sensitive to emotional intensity. Their threshold for overwhelm is simply lower, and that’s not a failing. It’s just how their system is calibrated.

What matters more than why you freeze is recognizing that it’s happening and learning to work with it.

The Real Cost of Freezing (And It’s Not What You Think)

People often think the problem with freezing is that you can’t resolve the conflict in that moment. That’s true, but it’s not the real damage.

The real cost is that your partner experiences your freeze as absence. As rejection. As proof that you don’t care enough to stay engaged. They can’t see your nervous system shutting down to protect you. They can only see you disappearing right in front of them.

And here’s the painful irony—you’re often freezing precisely because you care so much. Because the relationship matters so deeply that the possibility of rupture feels unbearable. Because you don’t want to say the wrong thing or make it worse. So you say nothing at all.

I tell couples this all the time: the opposite of connection isn’t conflict. It’s absence. You can have conflict and still feel connected if both people stay emotionally present. But when one person goes absent, even if they’re physically in the room, that’s when the real disconnection happens.

What Doesn’t Work (Stop Doing These Things)

If you’re the person who freezes, here’s what won’t help:

Forcing yourself to keep talking when you’ve gone blank. That usually comes out wrong or feels fake, and your partner can sense it.

Beating yourself up for freezing. That just adds shame on top of overwhelm, which makes you more likely to freeze next time.

Promising you’ll do better next time without changing anything about how you respond to your nervous system.

If you’re the partner of someone who freezes, here’s what makes it worse:

Getting louder or more insistent. I know you’re trying to reach them, but intensity is exactly what triggered the shutdown. More intensity won’t bring them back.

Interpreting their freeze as not caring. I understand that’s how it feels, but that interpretation keeps you both stuck.

Demanding they explain themselves in the moment. Their thinking brain is offline. They literally can’t access explanations when they’re frozen.

How to Stay Present When Words Won’t Come

Now here’s what actually works. I’m going to tell you what I taught Martin, and what changed everything for her and Larry.

I asked Martin to try something different the next time she felt herself starting to freeze. Instead of disappearing completely, she was to do these specific things:

Press her feet firmly into the floor. This is grounding. When you freeze, you often go numb and lose connection with your body. Feeling the solid floor under your feet brings you back into physical sensation.

Hold something warm—a cup of tea, a mug of coffee, even just warm water. The temperature gives your nervous system something to focus on besides the emotional intensity. You’re giving it a different kind of input.

Place one hand on your heart. This is both grounding and self-soothing. You’re literally giving yourself the comfort your system is seeking.

Look at your partner. Even if you can’t speak, maintain eye contact. Let them see that you’re trying to stay present.

Martine did exactly this. She felt herself starting to shut down during a conversation with Larry. She pressed her feet into the floor, grabbed her tea, put her hand on her heart, and kept her eyes on him. She didn’t say a single word.

And Larry noticed. He told me later, “That was the first time I felt like you stayed even when you couldn’t talk.”

That’s the breakthrough. You don’t have to perform connection through words. You just have to allow connection through presence.

The Three-Minute Practice That Rewires Your Freeze Response

Here’s what I teach people who freeze: you’re not going to talk your way out of this pattern. You’re going to feel your way out.

Between conversations with your partner, practice this on your own:

Sit quietly and think about a moment when you typically freeze. Don’t try to solve anything. Just notice what happens in your body. Where do you feel it? Does your chest get tight? Does your throat close? Do your hands go cold?

Then do the grounding practices I described above. Feet on floor. Something warm to hold. Hand on heart. Breathe slowly—in for four counts, out for six counts. That longer exhale tells your nervous system it’s safe to relax.

Do this for just three minutes. You’re teaching your body that you can feel activation without completely shutting down. You’re building what I call your emotional muscle—your capacity to stay present with intensity.

The goal isn’t to never freeze again. That’s unrealistic. The goal is to catch yourself earlier in the process and have tools to stay grounded instead of going completely offline.

What Your Partner Can Do (This Part Is For Them)

If your partner freezes during conflict, your instinct is probably to reach harder for them. I get it. Their absence is painful, and you want them back.

But here’s what actually helps: Create more safety, not more intensity.

Lower your voice. Soften your body language. Slow down your speech. You’re signaling to their nervous system that there’s no threat here.

Say something like: “I can see you’re having a hard time right now. I’m not going anywhere. Take the time you need.”

Give them physical space if they need it, but stay emotionally available. You’re showing them they won’t be abandoned if they need to regulate their nervous system.

Notice and acknowledge when they’re trying to stay present, even if they can’t speak. “I can see you’re working hard to stay here with me. Thank you.” That kind of recognition matters more than you might think.

Don’t take their freeze personally. I know that’s hard. But their shutdown isn’t about you or how much they care. It’s about their nervous system being overwhelmed.

Beyond the Freeze: Building Long-Term Capacity

Over time, the goal is to increase your window of tolerance—the amount of emotional intensity you can handle before your nervous system hits the eject button.

This happens through repeated experiences of staying present with uncomfortable feelings and discovering you’re okay. That you have choices. That you’re not trapped.

Sometimes this work needs professional support. If you have a history of trauma, if freezing is deeply ingrained, if you and your partner can’t break the pattern on your own—that’s when couples therapy or individual work can be crucial. There’s no shame in that. Some nervous system patterns need more specialized help to shift.

What I’ve seen in 40 years of this work is that people absolutely can learn to stay present during difficult conversations. The freeze response doesn’t have to define your relationship. But it takes practice, patience, and a willingness to work with your body instead of against it.

Your Nervous System Isn’t Your Enemy

I want you to hear this: You’re not broken if you freeze. You’re not weak. You’re not failing at relationships.

Your freeze response is your nervous system trying to take care of you. It’s just using an old strategy that doesn’t serve you anymore. You developed this response for good reasons—it helped you survive something. The question now is whether it’s still helping or whether it’s time to develop new options.

The beautiful thing about nervous systems is they can learn. They can adapt. You can teach your body that it’s safe to stay present, even when things get intense. You can rewire those old patterns.

But you can’t think your way out of a freeze response. You have to feel your way out. You have to work with your body, not just your mind.

That’s why the practices I’ve shared here—grounding, staying physically present even when words won’t come, building capacity gradually—these aren’t just techniques. They’re ways of partnering with your nervous system instead of fighting it.

When You Know You’re Not Broken, Just Frozen

If you take nothing else from this article, take this: The next time you feel yourself starting to freeze during a difficult conversation, remember you have more options than you think.

You can press your feet into the floor and feel the ground supporting you. You can hold something warm and let that sensation anchor you. You can put your hand on your heart and remind yourself that you’re okay. You can look at your partner and let your eyes say what your mouth can’t.

You don’t have to force words. You don’t have to fake being okay. You just have to stay in your body and let your presence speak.

Because connection doesn’t require perfect communication. It just requires showing up, even in the messy, frozen, wordless moments. That’s when real intimacy happens—when you can be fully present with someone without having to perform being fine.

Your partner doesn’t need you to have all the right words. They just need to feel that you’re still there with them, even when things get hard.

And that? That’s completely possible, starting today.

About the Author: Todd Creager has spent over 40 years helping couples repair relationships through emotional safety and deep reconnection. His approach focuses on working with nervous system responses and building capacity for presence during conflict, rather than forcing communication before partners are ready. He works with individuals dealing with trauma, couples recovering from infidelity, and partners learning to connect more authentically.

Methodology Note: The approaches described in this article are based on over four decades of clinical experience working with couples who struggle with shutdown responses during conflict. The techniques integrate somatic (body-based) practices with attachment theory and nervous system regulation principles. Individual results vary based on trauma history, relationship dynamics, and consistency of practice.

Watch The Video Where Todd Explains How to Stop Shutting Down During Arguments

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Why Defending Yourself Is Killing Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead)

November 20, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

If you’ve ever walked away from an argument with your partner feeling exhausted and unheard—even though you were just trying to explain your side—you’re not alone.

I’ve worked with hundreds of couples over the years, and I can tell you this: defensiveness is one of the biggest connection killers I see in my practice. But here’s what catches most people off guard: when you’re defending yourself, you’re not being difficult. You’re actually showing how much you care about being understood.

TL;DR: Defensiveness isn’t resistance—it’s protection.

When you explain yourself during conflict, you think you’re clarifying, but your partner hears rejection. The solution isn’t more talking. It’s presence. Three non-verbal reconnection techniques can stop the defend-disconnect cycle and create the safety needed for real communication.

What Most People Miss:

→ Your defense feels like rejection to your partner, no matter how valid your point is

→ The more you explain, the more distant your partner gets (not closer)

→ Creating safety happens through presence, not through being understood first

→ Both partners are usually trying to help the situation—they’re just making it worse

I’m going to walk you through why this happens, what’s really going on beneath the surface, and give you a specific example from my practice that changed how one couple communicates entirely.

The Hidden Truth About Defensiveness

When you defend yourself in a relationship conflict, you’re making being understood your goal. And that sounds reasonable, right? You want your partner to see things accurately, to know your intentions, to understand that what they’re saying isn’t quite fair or isn’t quite right.

The problem is this: while you’re defending, you’re not connecting.

I see this play out the same way with couple after couple in my office. One partner expresses something—maybe it’s a complaint, maybe it’s hurt, maybe it’s frustration. The other partner immediately feels misunderstood and jumps in to explain. “No, that’s not what happened” or “You’re not seeing it from my perspective” or “If you just understood that I was trying to…”

And in that moment, connection dies.

Your partner doesn’t hear your explanation as clarification. They hear it as dismissal of their experience. They feel diminished. Their reality is being challenged when all they wanted was to be heard. So what do they do? They double down. They get more intense. They repeat themselves with more emotion because now they feel rejected on top of whatever they were already upset about.

And then what do you do? You defend more because clearly they’re still not getting it. You’re trying to be helpful. You’re trying to make things better. If they could just see it your way, they wouldn’t be so upset with you.

See the cycle?

In my experience working with couples for over three decades, I’ve found that defensiveness isn’t an attack—it’s protection. And when both partners understand that, something starts to shift. But even though we can understand it intellectually, protection still creates disconnection, not connection.

What Really Happened with Rob and Jody

Let me tell you about Rob and Jody. I’ve been helping them move from constant miscommunication into deep understanding—not just spoken understanding, but the kind of unspoken understanding where you feel safe with each other.

They came to me doing exactly what I just described. Jody would bring something up. Rob would feel it was unfair or inaccurate, so he’d immediately explain himself.

He felt misunderstood, and he thought if he could just clarify, she’d see that she was perceiving things wrong.

But Jody didn’t stop and say, “Oh, okay, I see your point.” Why? Because she had a point too. She was trying to get her point heard. So now you’ve got two people bickering. I call it like each person has their own tennis balls and they’re both throwing balls in the air, but nobody’s really catching anything.

What couples really need to learn is how to play catch—where one person throws and the other person catches. In other words, one person is present for the other person.

Rob and Jody weren’t trying to fight. They were really trying to clarify. But Jody didn’t hear clarification. She heard rejection. So she’d get more intense, maybe angrier, because she didn’t feel heard. And Rob would get even more frustrated that she couldn’t see how unfair her perception was.

No one felt heard.

Here’s the moment that changed everything for them: Rob told me, “Every time I defend myself, I thought I was helping. But she told me she felt like I didn’t care about her experience at all.” That surprised him because he surely did care. But it comes off the opposite way when you’re defending.

That hit him hard.

He was trying to make things better. People who defend are often trying to make things better—they never do, but they’re trying. Rob thought if Jody could just see it his way, she wouldn’t be so upset with him.

The Pause That Changed Their Marriage

So we tried something new. The next time conflict came up (and we worked on this with both of them, not just Rob), Jody brought something up that definitely triggered him. Rob felt that urge to explain himself.

But this time, he took a pause. He took a breath. Actually, several breaths. And then he reached his hand out to her.

Notice: no talking. No defense. Just presence.

Jody looked a little shocked. And then something happened that doesn’t happen when people are defending themselves—she softened. She actually opened up more than she had ever told him before about that particular subject.

That moment changed everything.

We think the way to fix disconnection is to talk more. But when you drop the need to be right or to be understood or to defend yourself, you create space for something deeper. Safety. Softness. Repair.

When you slow down and reach out in some nonverbal way, when you’ve dropped your urge or your impulse to defend, something happens to the other person. It registers with them.

Because really, your partner doesn’t need your defense. Your partner needs your presence.

Jody learned to do this for Rob too. Every time she felt the urge to defend herself, she’d take a breath or two or whatever she needed, and then she’d reach out and touch him in some way—touch his leg, hold his hand. They practiced this in sessions. They did it between sessions.

And Rob, who typically wasn’t someone who shared a lot emotionally, started sharing more. Why? Because they were creating a place of safety.

Why This Works (The Science Behind Presence)

When you defend yourself during conflict, you’re activating your partner’s threat response. Their nervous system is registering: “My experience doesn’t matter here. I’m not safe to be vulnerable.”

Based on my work with couples dealing with infidelity, trauma, and complex relational patterns, I’ve seen how the body holds these responses. When one partner goes into explanation mode, the other partner’s body tenses. Their breathing becomes shallow. They’re preparing for battle, not connection.

But when you pause and reach out physically, you’re sending a completely different signal. You’re saying with your body: “I’m here. You matter. I’m not going anywhere.” That drops the other person’s defenses because they’re not being rejected anymore.

What research on attachment and nervous system regulation tells us: Physical touch and presence activate the parasympathetic nervous system—the part that helps us calm down and feel safe. Words activate the thinking brain, which during conflict is already spinning and trying to prove a point.

This isn’t about who’s right or wrong. It’s about creating the conditions where you can actually hear each other.

Three Ways to Break the Defensiveness Cycle

1. The Pause and Breathe

When you feel that urge to explain yourself, that’s your cue. That urgency you feel? That’s your signal to stop, not to speak. Take at least three slow breaths. I tell couples to breathe in for four counts, hold for four, breathe out for six. That’s enough to start regulating your nervous system.

During those breaths, you’re not planning what to say. You’re not building your case. You’re just breathing.

Common pitfall I see: People take one quick breath and then jump back into explanation mode. That doesn’t work. Your body needs time to shift out of protection mode.

2. Reach Out Nonverbally

After you’ve taken those breaths, reach out to your partner in some physical way. This might be:

→ Reaching for their hand

→ Placing your hand on their leg

→ Moving closer to them

→ Making soft eye contact

The key is that you’re making a bid for connection, not defense. You’re saying, “I want to be close to you” without saying anything at all.

What happens next: Your partner might be shocked at first, like Jody was. They’re expecting defense, so presence catches them off guard. Give them a moment to register what’s happening.

3. Stay Present While They Share

This is the hardest part. Once your partner softens and starts sharing more (which they usually will), you might hear things that trigger your defensiveness again. You might hear perceptions that feel inaccurate or unfair.

Stay present anyway. Keep breathing. Keep your hand on theirs. You can address misunderstandings later, but right now, you’re creating safety. And safety is what allows real communication to happen.

Reality check from 30+ years of practice: This doesn’t mean you never get to share your perspective. It means you prioritize connection first. When your partner feels heard and safe, they become capable of hearing you too. When they’re in defense mode because you’ve been defending, they can’t hear anything except rejection.

When Defensiveness Makes Sense (And Still Doesn’t Help)

I want to acknowledge something important: sometimes what your partner is saying genuinely isn’t accurate. Sometimes their perception is skewed by their own past trauma or their own pain. Sometimes they’re making assumptions that aren’t fair.

And in those moments, of course you want to clarify. Of course you want to be understood. Your desire to defend is completely understandable.

But here’s what I’ve learned in working with couples dealing with infidelity recovery, trauma, and deep relational pain: being understood in that moment is less important than creating safety. Once safety exists, understanding can happen. But if you sacrifice safety to be understood, you get neither.

I work with partners in pain all the time—people dealing with betrayal, people recovering from infidelity, people with complex trauma histories. In those situations, emotions are heightened and perceptions can be distorted by pain. The betrayed partner might perceive things through a lens of hurt that makes everything feel like rejection.

And the person who betrayed might feel constantly misunderstood, like nothing they do is seen accurately.

In both cases, defensiveness feels justified. But it still doesn’t work.

What to Do When Your Partner Gets Defensive

Everything I’ve said applies to you too when your partner is the one defending. If you bring something up and your partner immediately starts explaining themselves, you probably feel dismissed. You might get more intense, more emotional, more insistent that they hear you.

Instead, try this: “I can see you want me to understand your perspective. I do want to hear that. But right now, I need you to hear me first. Can you just listen for a moment?”

If they keep defending, you can say: “When you explain yourself right now, I feel like my experience doesn’t matter. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I just need you to hear me first.”

And if they still can’t stop defending, that might be a sign that professional help would be useful. Some couples need a therapist to help them break these patterns because they’re too entrenched to change on their own.

What Safety Actually Looks Like

When couples tell me they want to feel “safe” in their relationship, they often mean they want to be able to share vulnerable things without being shut down. They want to be able to bring up difficult topics without starting World War III.

Safety isn’t the absence of conflict. Safety is the presence of connection even during conflict.

In safe relationships:

→ You can say something your partner doesn’t like without them attacking or defending

→ You can be upset without your partner trying to fix it or explain it away

→ You can have different perceptions without one person being “right” and one being “wrong”

→ You can pause when things get heated and come back without resentment

When Rob stopped defending and reached out to Jody, he created safety. Not because he agreed with her perception, but because he prioritized connection over being understood.

That’s what safety looks like.

The Long-Term Shift

Rob and Jody didn’t become perfect at this overnight. They still slip into defensiveness sometimes. But now they catch themselves faster. Now they have a tool that actually works.

What I’ve noticed in my practice is that couples who learn to prioritize presence over defense end up communicating better overall. Why? Because they’re building emotional muscles—the ability to stay present for each other even when it’s uncomfortable.

That’s what creates the deeper, more authentic connection that couples come to therapy seeking.

Based on my work with hundreds of couples: The ones who make it through infidelity, trauma, and major life crises are the ones who learn to be curious about each other instead of defensive. They develop the capacity to sit with pain—their own and their partner’s—without trying to escape it or explain it away.

That’s not easy. It requires practice. But it’s possible.

When to Get Professional Help

Some situations are too complex to handle on your own:

→ If there’s been infidelity and the defensiveness is tied to lies or ongoing betrayal

→ If one or both partners have trauma histories that make vulnerability terrifying

→ If defensiveness has escalated into contempt, criticism, or emotional withdrawal

→ If you’ve tried these techniques and can’t seem to make them stick

Working with a therapist who understands couples dynamics, infidelity recovery, and trauma can help you navigate these deeper waters. Sometimes you need someone to help you see your blind spots and hold space for both of you.

Your Next Step

The next time you feel the need to defend yourself in a conversation with your partner, try this:

Pause. Soften your body. Reach out in some nonverbal way.

In that moment, when you shift from trying to be understood to trying to connect, the entire dynamic can change.

Your partner doesn’t need your defense. Your partner needs your presence.

And when you give them that, you create the space where real understanding becomes possible.

About This Approach

The reconnection techniques described here are based on attachment theory, nervous system regulation, and trauma-informed couples therapy.

They’re particularly effective for:

→ Couples stuck in pursue-withdraw patterns

→ Partners recovering from infidelity

→ Individuals with trauma histories affecting their relationships

→ Anyone struggling with emotional reactivity during conflict

These methods work because they address the nervous system first, before trying to address the content of the disagreement.

When both partners feel safe, they become capable of hearing each other and working through differences constructively.

Methodology note: The case example of Rob and Jody represents a composite of multiple couples I’ve worked with over three decades of practice.

Names and identifying details have been changed to protect client confidentiality while illustrating the patterns I consistently observe in my clinical work.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

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Do You Want to Be Right or Do You Want to Be Connected?

November 13, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

You know what I see week after week in my therapy practice? Couples sitting across from each other, both absolutely convinced they’re right. And they are—sort of. They’re right from their perspective. But here’s what they’re missing: being right is costing them their relationship.

TL;DR: Most communication problems aren’t about who’s correct—they’re about the anxiety of not being validated. When couples race to prove they’re right, they stop listening. The solution isn’t better arguments; it’s developing the emotional muscle to prioritize understanding over validation.

But here’s what most people miss:

→ The need to be right functions like an addiction—it gives you a temporary hit of validation but damages long-term connection

→ Different personality types aren’t obstacles to overcome; they represent complementary values that both matter

→ Your partner feeling heard by you is more valuable than them agreeing with you

I’ve spent over four decades working with couples navigating everything from infidelity recovery to passion renewal.

And I can tell you this: the smartest, most accomplished people often struggle the most with this issue. Why? Because being right has served them well in other areas of life. But in relationships, it’s poison.

Why Couples Get Stuck in the Need to Be Right

Years ago, I took a training that introduced me to something called BLM—not Black Lives Matter, but “Be Like Me.” The instructor kept pointing out how we all walk around with this unconscious expectation: You’re supposed to be like me. You’re supposed to see things the way I see them.

But that’s not how humans work.

Take Sam and Barbara, a couple I’ve been working with. Sam’s successful in his career, very structured, follows a code of ethics and discipline. Barbara has her master’s degree, stayed home with their two kids, and approaches life with more flexibility—what I call “loosey goosey” energy.

They came to me saying they had communication problems. What they actually had was a Cold War. Years of it. Barbara felt Sam didn’t value her opinions. Sam insisted he just didn’t agree with her.

See the problem? Neither one felt understood. And when you don’t feel understood, you dig in harder. You explain more. You present your case more forcefully. You need to win.

The Addiction to Being Right in Relationships

When someone agrees with us, we feel validated. Maybe it means we’ll get what we want. There’s a neurological payoff—it feels good to be right.

But here’s the reality: in most conflicts, both people have valid perspectives based on their personality, their experiences, their values. Sam’s structure and discipline matter. Barbara’s flexibility and spontaneity matter. These aren’t competing values that need a winner—they’re complementary approaches that could strengthen their relationship.

The problem wasn’t their differences. The problem was their anxiety about not being validated, which led them to act in ways that made the other person feel unheard.

How to Stop Fighting About Who’s Right in Your Relationship

A colleague of mine wrote a book called “Do You Wanna Be Right or Do You Wanna Be Married?” That title says it all.

Sam and Barbara are learning to shift their goal. Instead of racing to convince each other who’s right, they’re racing toward something else: who can help the other person feel understood first.

That’s the opposite of what most couples do.

This shift requires developing emotional muscle. Just like you need physical strength to lift heavy furniture without getting hurt, you need emotional strength to handle life’s challenges with grace.

You can’t just decide one day, “Okay, I’m going to be a better listener.” You have to practice. You have to build that muscle through repetition, even when—especially when—you strongly disagree with what you’re hearing.

Practical Steps to Choose Connection Over Being Right

Here’s what I work on with couples:

1. Recognize the addiction pattern. Notice when you feel that urgent need to correct, explain, or convince. That’s the craving for validation kicking in.

2. Shift your intent. Your new goal isn’t agreement—it’s understanding. Can you get where they’re coming from, even if you think they’re completely wrong?

3. Build the muscle gradually. Start with less emotionally charged topics. Practice letting your partner feel heard without immediately countering with your perspective.

4. Value complementary differences. When you see different approaches—structure versus flexibility, caution versus spontaneity—ask yourself: “What’s valuable about their perspective that I’m missing?”

Sam and Barbara are doing this work now. It’s not easy. They still have moments where the old pattern kicks in—that need to prove themselves right. But they’re catching it faster. They’re choosing connection over correctness more often.

What Better Communication Actually Looks Like

Let’s say Sam thinks they should have a strict bedtime routine for the kids—same time every night, no exceptions. Barbara thinks some flexibility is fine—if the kids are having fun on a weekend, why not let them stay up?

Old pattern: Sam explains why structure is crucial for child development. Barbara counters with why rigid rules create anxiety. They both marshal more evidence. Nobody listens. Everyone feels dismissed.

New pattern: Sam shares why consistency feels important to him—maybe it comes from his own chaotic childhood. Barbara shares why she values spontaneity—maybe her parents were too controlling. They’re not debating parenting philosophy anymore. They’re understanding each other’s emotional reality.

From there, they can actually problem-solve. Maybe weeknights have structure, weekends have flexibility. But more importantly, they both feel heard. They both feel valued.

Building Emotional Muscle for Relationship Communication

Think about what happens when you try to lift something heavy without proper strength. You hurt yourself. You might drop what you’re carrying.

Same with emotional challenges. If you haven’t built the muscle to tolerate hearing perspectives that contradict yours, if you can’t sit with the discomfort of not being validated immediately, you’ll keep dropping the emotional weight of your relationship conflicts.

Building this muscle means:

→ Staying present when you disagree instead of rehearsing your rebuttal

→ Asking questions to understand rather than to poke holes in their logic

→ Reflecting back what you heard before offering your perspective

→ Noticing when your anxiety about being wrong is driving your behavior

It’s repetition, just like at the gym. The first few times feel awkward and uncomfortable. But over time, it becomes your new default.

Why Feeling Understood Matters More Than Being Right

Here’s something I’ve seen in my four decades of practice: couples who learn to give up the need to be right don’t just communicate better. They reconnect at a deeper level.

Because when you feel truly understood by your partner—not agreed with, but understood—something profound happens. You feel safe. You feel valued. The emotional armor comes down.

And from that place, you can handle disagreements without them threatening the foundation of your relationship. You can appreciate your differences instead of battling over them.

Sam and Barbara are starting to experience this. They’re becoming what they always wanted: a couple that communicates well together. Not because they agree more—they still disagree plenty—but because they’ve stopped making agreement the goal.

They’re choosing connection over correctness. And their relationship is stronger for it.

Moving From Conflict to Connection in Your Relationship

What I’ve shared with you about Sam and Barbara comes from real sessions, real struggles, real breakthroughs. The patterns I see in their relationship show up in countless couples—different personalities, same fundamental challenge of prioritizing validation over understanding.

This approach to couples work draws on personality type frameworks, attachment theory, and decades of observing what actually helps couples move from conflict to connection. It’s not about applying a formula—every couple is unique. But the principle of developing emotional muscle to prioritize understanding? That’s universal.

If you’re recognizing these patterns in your own relationship, know that change is possible. It takes practice. It takes building new habits. But couples do this work successfully all the time.

The question isn’t whether you’re right or your partner is right. The question is: do you want to be right, or do you want to be connected?

Todd Creager has been helping couples and individuals heal from trauma and rekindle passion for over four decades. His approach combines deep empathy with practical strategies for building stronger emotional connections.

Watch The Video where Todd Explains Why Being Right is Ruining Your Relationship

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Why Bickering Becomes Your Default (And How to Break the Cycle)

November 7, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

When Bickering Becomes Your Relationship’s Default Setting: What Nobody Tells You About Breaking the Cycle

You know that moment when you realize you’ve had the same argument for the third time this week? Not even about anything important—just that familiar dance where one person brings something up, the other gets defensive, and within minutes you’re both exhausted and further apart than when you started.

Here’s what I’ve seen after working with hundreds of couples: most relationship advice tells you to “communicate better” or “really listen to each other.” But that’s like telling someone who’s drowning to “just swim harder.” When you’re already in reactive mode, those tools are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

TL;DR: Constant bickering isn’t a communication problem—it’s a nervous system problem. Most couples are trying to solve the wrong issue. They think they need better words when they actually need to slow down their reactivity first. The pattern isn’t: bad communication → disconnection. It’s: dysregulation → reactive communication → more dysregulation → deeper disconnection.

What Most People Miss:

→ Your brain can’t process your partner’s perspective when you’re in defensive mode—it’s literally a neurological impossibility, not a character flaw

→ The content of your arguments matters far less than the speed at which you’re having them

→ Trying to “fix” the relationship through more talking when you’re both activated is like throwing gasoline on a fire and expecting it to help

Why “Just Communicate Better” Is Terrible Advice

I worked with Rick and Diane for about six months. Twenty-five years married, three kids, successful careers. They came in doing what I call the “bicker-escalate-disconnect” loop. Diane would bring up feeling disconnected. Rick would immediately defend himself—”Look what I provide! I’m doing my best!” Diane would feel unheard. Rick would feel unappreciated. Both would shut down.

Sound familiar?

Here’s the thing that took them weeks to understand: they weren’t having a communication problem. They were having a regulation problem.

When Diane approached Rick with a complaint, his nervous system heard: “You’re failing. You’re not enough.” Within seconds—and I mean seconds—his body was flooded with cortisol and adrenaline. His brain literally couldn’t access the parts responsible for empathy, perspective-taking, or curiosity. He was in survival mode.

Same thing happened to Diane when Rick got defensive. Her nervous system interpreted his defensiveness as: “Your feelings don’t matter. You’re too much.” And off to the races they’d go.

Most couples therapy focuses on teaching you communication techniques while you’re dysregulated. That’s backwards. You can’t use sophisticated tools when your brain is in fight-or-flight mode. It’s like trying to perform surgery while riding a rollercoaster.

The Speed Problem Nobody Talks About

After analyzing patterns with couples for over two decades, I’ve noticed something: the couples who bicker constantly aren’t arguing about different things than couples who don’t—they’re arguing at different speeds.

Think about it. When Diane said “I don’t feel close to you,” Rick had maybe half a second before his defensive response kicked in. That’s not enough time for his nervous system to settle, for him to get curious, for him to access the part of his brain that could hear her pain instead of just hearing criticism.

The arguments weren’t happening because they disagreed. The arguments were happening because neither of them could slow down enough to notice what was actually happening inside themselves before they reacted to each other.

This is where most relationship advice goes wrong. It tells you what to say differently. But it doesn’t address the state you’re in when you’re saying it.

I’ll give you a real example from Rick and Diane’s process. About two months in, Diane started to feel that familiar frustration building. But instead of immediately going to Rick with her complaint, she paused. She got curious about what was happening in her body. Tight chest. Throat constricting. That old story playing: “He’ll never prioritize me.”

That pause—maybe thirty seconds—changed everything. Because when she did approach Rick, she wasn’t coming from that activated, desperate place. She was coming from a more grounded space. And Rick could feel the difference. His nervous system didn’t immediately interpret her as a threat.

What’s Really Happening When You Bicker

Most couples think they’re arguing about dishes, money, sex, parenting, or time. And sure, those are the topics. But here’s what’s actually happening underneath:

You’re each trying to protect yourself from feeling something that feels unbearable. For Rick, it was feeling like a failure. For Diane, it was feeling invisible and unimportant. Every bickering match was both of them trying to avoid those core feelings while simultaneously triggering exactly those feelings in each other.

This is the part that most people find hard to accept: when you’re judging your partner, you’re revealing more about your own pain than about their behavior.

When Diane judged Rick as “caring more about work than me,” she was really saying: “I’m terrified I don’t matter.” When Rick judged Diane as “never satisfied,” he was really saying: “I’m terrified I’m not enough.”

But you can’t hear that nuance when you’re moving at argument speed. You’re just defending, attacking, or shutting down.

Why Disconnection Feels Easier (And Why That’s the Trap)

Rick and Diane had developed what a lot of couples develop: conflict fatigue. They’d had so many unrewarding conversations that just talking about emotional stuff felt pointless. So they’d disconnect. Live parallel lives. Be polite roommates who occasionally had sex out of obligation.

And honestly? For a while, that feels better than the constant fighting. It’s quieter. Less chaotic. You can convince yourself you’re being “mature” by not bringing things up.

But here’s the problem: disconnection doesn’t heal anything. It just postpones the pain. And while you’re disconnected, resentment builds. Distance grows. And the gap between you becomes harder and harder to bridge.

I see couples who’ve been disconnected for so long that they’ve forgotten they ever felt connected. They look at each other across my office like strangers, both thinking: “Is it even worth trying?”

The answer is usually yes. But not by doing more of what hasn’t worked.

The Real Answer Isn’t What You Think

Rick and Diane didn’t save their relationship by learning better communication techniques. They saved it by learning to slow down their nervous systems first.

We worked on what I call the Stop Technique—though that’s somewhat of a misnomer because it’s not really about stopping. It’s about creating space between stimulus and response. It’s about noticing what’s happening in your body before you react to your partner.

Sounds simple, right? It’s not. Or rather, it’s simple but not easy.

Because slowing down feels counterintuitive when you’re upset. Your body wants to react NOW. Your brain is screaming: “Defend yourself! Make them understand! Fix this immediately!”

But that urgency is exactly what keeps you stuck.

Rick and Diane practiced—and I mean actually practiced, like homework—slowing down their reactivity. At first for just a few minutes a day. Not when they were in the middle of an argument (that’s too hard). But in calm moments, practicing noticing their internal state. Practicing getting curious about their own reactions before trying to manage their partner’s behavior.

Here’s what started to shift: when Diane felt that familiar frustration building, she could recognize it earlier. She could feel her body tensing up, notice that old story starting to play. And instead of immediately bringing it to Rick from that activated place, she could take a few breaths. Get grounded. Figure out what she actually needed instead of just what she was mad about.

Same with Rick. When Diane brought something up, he could notice his defensiveness rising before it took over completely. He could feel his chest tightening, hear that voice saying “You’re not enough.” And instead of immediately defending himself, he could pause. Just for a moment. Long enough to remember: “Her pain isn’t proof of my failure.”

What Changed (And What Didn’t)

Here’s what didn’t change: Rick still worked a lot. Diane still wanted more connection. Their circumstances stayed pretty much the same.

Here’s what did change: how they were with each other in those circumstances.

Rick didn’t suddenly start working 20 fewer hours a week. But when he was with Diane, he was actually with her. Not halfway out the door mentally. Not defending his choices. Just present.

Diane didn’t lower her standards or decide she was asking for too much. But she stopped approaching Rick from that desperate, activated place that made him immediately defensive. She learned to ask for what she needed from a grounded place, which made it about a thousand times easier for Rick to actually hear her.

And the bickering? Pretty much stopped. Not because they never disagreed, but because when they did, they could slow down enough to actually work through it instead of just reacting to each other.

Why This Works When Everything Else Hasn’t

After working with couples for decades, I can tell you: the ones who make it aren’t the ones who never fight or disagree. They’re the ones who learn to regulate themselves first before trying to regulate each other.

Most relationship advice puts the cart before the horse. It tells you to validate your partner’s feelings, use “I” statements, really listen, show empathy. All good things. But impossible to do when your nervous system is flooded.

You have to slow down first. Get your own nervous system settled. Only then can you access the parts of your brain that can be curious, empathetic, and flexible.

This isn’t about becoming some enlightened being who never gets triggered. Rick and Diane still get activated sometimes. I still get activated with my own partner. We’re human. But the difference is in what you do with that activation. Do you let it drive the bus? Or do you notice it, acknowledge it, and choose to respond from a more grounded place?

That’s the skill. And it’s a skill anyone can learn, even if you’ve been stuck in the bicker-escalate-disconnect pattern for years.

What Actually Reconnects You (Without More Talking)

Here’s something that surprises people: the best reconnection often happens without words.

When Rick and Diane were both activated, talking made things worse. Every word was just more ammunition. But when they’d slow down together—maybe just sit quietly for a few minutes, or take a walk without trying to solve anything, or even just breathe in the same room—their nervous systems would start to sync up again.

You can reconnect through presence before you can reconnect through words. Your body knows this even if your mind doesn’t trust it yet.

Some of the most powerful sessions with Rick and Diane involved very little talking. They’d practice just being in the same space, noticing their own reactions, breathing, settling. Not trying to fix anything. Not explaining or defending. Just… being.

That probably sounds too simple to work. But simple doesn’t mean ineffective.

Moving Forward (Without the Usual Bullshit About “Communication”)

If you’re stuck in the bicker-escalate-disconnect pattern, you probably don’t need another article telling you to “really listen” or “use active listening techniques.” You need permission to stop trying to communicate your way out of a dysregulated nervous system.

You need to learn to slow down first. To notice what’s happening in your body before you react to your partner. To get curious about your own pain instead of just managing your partner’s behavior.

This isn’t about becoming perfect at self-regulation. It’s about getting just good enough at it that you can interrupt the old patterns before they completely take over.

Rick and Diane aren’t perfect at this. They still slip into old patterns sometimes. But now they can catch themselves earlier. They can notice when they’re speeding up and choose to slow down instead. And that makes all the difference.

Your relationship can feel good again. But probably not by doing more of what hasn’t worked. Not by talking more, solving more, or explaining more. By slowing down first, then connecting from that more grounded place.

That’s where the real work is. And it takes less time than you think—but maybe more awareness than you’re used to bringing to your daily interactions.

Todd Creager has worked with couples navigating infidelity, trauma, and disconnection for over two decades. He specializes in somatic and body-centered approaches that address the nervous system patterns underlying relationship struggles. His work focuses on helping couples move beyond reactive communication patterns to create genuine connection and safety.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Why Your Communication Problem Isn’t Actually About Communication

October 30, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

about something I see almost daily in my practice, and it’s probably not what you think.

Couples come to me saying they have a “communication problem.” And technically, they’re right—they aren’t talking, or when they do talk, it goes sideways fast. But here’s what most people miss: the communication breakdown is almost never the real problem. It’s a symptom of something deeper that’s happening beneath the surface.

Let me explain why:

→ Most relationship communication issues stem from nervous system dysregulation, not lack of talking skills

→ Partners often have opposing regulation strategies (shutdown vs. fight) rooted in childhood coping mechanisms

→ Real solutions focus on learning new ways to regulate your nervous system while staying connected

→ You don’t necessarily need to talk more—you need to regulate better

But Here’s What Most People Miss:

→ Telling someone to “communicate better” is like telling someone having a panic attack to “just calm down”—their nervous system is already hijacked

→ Your partner’s “annoying” response pattern (shutting down, getting loud) was once a survival strategy that worked

→ Self-criticism about your patterns actually makes the dysregulation worse, not better

What We’re Covering: This piece walks through the real mechanics of why couples get stuck in communication loops, what’s actually happening in your body during these moments, and—most importantly—what you can do about it that doesn’t involve just “talking more.”

I’m drawing from decades of work with couples in pain, and I’ll show you why the conventional advice often misses the mark.

The Couple That Couldn’t Talk (But It Wasn’t About Talking)

Let me tell you about Helen and Nance. When they first came to see me, they looked exhausted. Helen had this tight-lipped frustration—the kind that comes from years of hitting a brick wall. Nance sat slumped, already bracing for what was coming.

Their presenting problem? “We can’t communicate.”

They weren’t wrong. Nance would shut down whenever Helen tried to discuss anything difficult. Sometimes he’d freeze completely. Other times he’d quietly leave the room. Helen’s response? She’d get louder, follow him, voice rising: “Why can’t you talk to me? Why can’t you talk to me?”

Nance would eventually muster: “Because you’re so aggressive. I feel attacked.”

Helen: “I don’t want to be that way!”

Round and round they’d go.

By the time they reached my office, they’d both given up. The house was quiet—but it was the hollow quiet of disconnection, not peace.

Now, most traditional therapy would focus on communication skills. Active listening techniques. “I” statements. Maybe some scripts for difficult conversations.

All of that can be useful. But with Helen and Nance, it would’ve been like handing a manual on advanced driving techniques to someone whose car won’t start. We needed to look under the hood first.

What’s Really Happening: Your Nervous System Is Running the Show

Here’s the piece that changes everything once you understand it: Both Helen and Nance were regulating their central nervous systems the only way they knew how.

That’s it. That’s the hidden issue.

Nance grew up in a house where his dad yelled at his mom. A lot. It scared him as a kid. His mom, meanwhile, was critical—always finding what was wrong, never satisfied. What was Nance supposed to do as a child? He couldn’t fix it. He couldn’t stop it. So he learned to go to his room, read books, play video games, and shut out the chaos. He learned to ignore the criticism from his mom and the coldness from his dad.

And here’s the thing—it worked. That strategy helped him survive. It helped him cope with pain he couldn’t do anything about. I’d bet money that at some point early on, maybe he tried expressing himself. Maybe he reached out. And it didn’t go well. So his nervous system learned: shutdown equals safety.

Helen’s story was different but equally powerful. Her dad worked constantly. Her mom ran everything and seemed to accept this distant marriage as just “the way things are.” Helen had a close relationship with her mom but almost none with her dad. She watched her mother’s loneliness and made herself a promise: I will never have the kind of marriage my mother had. I will never be that lonely in my relationship.

Fast forward to Helen and Nance’s marriage. What happens when disconnection threatens?

Nance’s nervous system, shaped by years of childhood conditioning, says: “Danger. Shut down. Go internal. That’s how we stay safe.” Immobilization defense.

Helen’s nervous system, equally conditioned by her childhood, says: “Danger. Do NOT let this turn into my parents’ marriage. Fight for connection. Get louder.” Mobilization defense.

You see the problem? Nance shuts down, which triggers Helen’s deepest fear of ending up like her mom. Helen gets louder, which triggers Nance’s childhood experience of his dad yelling and his mom criticizing. Nance shuts down harder. Helen pushes harder. Both are dysregulating each other while desperately trying to regulate themselves.

Neither one is choosing this consciously. Neither one is being “difficult.” They’re both running deeply ingrained nervous system programs designed to keep them safe.

The Sympathetic and Immobilization Defense Patterns

Let me get a bit more technical here because understanding this changes how you approach the whole thing.

When we perceive threat—and for many couples, conflict or disconnection is perceived as threat—our autonomic nervous system takes over. You’ve probably heard of fight-or-flight. That’s your sympathetic nervous system kicking into gear. But there’s also freeze, which is more of an immobilization response.

Helen’s Pattern – Mobilization Defense: Her sympathetic nervous system activates. Heart rate goes up. Voice gets louder. She’s in fight mode (not so much flight). From her perspective, she’s fighting for the relationship. She’s trying to get her husband to engage in a way she never got with her dad. In her body, silence equals abandonment equals mom’s loneliness. So her system mobilizes to prevent that outcome.

Nance’s Pattern – Immobilization Defense: His system goes into shutdown mode. Heart rate might actually slow. He freezes. Words become impossible. From his perspective, he’s trying to avoid the criticism and yelling he experienced as a kid. In his body, engaging during conflict equals pain. So his system immobilizes to prevent that outcome.

Both are trying to regulate. Both are trying to protect themselves. And both strategies, ironically, dysregulate their partner.

What Most Therapists Miss: Conventional communication advice assumes both people are in a regulated state where they can access their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that does rational thinking, empathy, and communication. But when you’re in fight-or-flight or freeze, you literally don’t have full access to those capabilities. Your nervous system has hijacked the show.

Telling Nance to “just talk” when he’s in shutdown is like telling someone who’s frozen in a trauma response to “just move.” Telling Helen to “calm down and lower your voice” when her system is mobilized to fight for connection is equally futile.

Why Beating Yourself Up Makes It Worse

Here’s something I tell every couple I work with, and it’s something Helen and Nance needed to hear:

When we’re dealing with each other in ways that don’t work, it’s usually because we don’t know any other way.

Read that again.

The self-criticism many people heap on themselves—”Why do I keep doing this? What’s wrong with me? I should be better than this”—comes from a false belief that you should have known better.

No. What you’re doing made perfect sense at some point in your life. It was adaptive. It worked. Your nervous system learned it well because it kept you safe.

The problem isn’t that you’re broken or stupid or bad at relationships.

The problem is that your childhood coping strategy is still running the show in your adult relationship, and it’s not working anymore in this new context.

Beating yourself up actually makes the dysregulation worse. Shame and self-criticism activate stress responses in the body. So now you’re not just dealing with the original trigger—you’re also dealing with the shame spiral on top of it. Your nervous system has even more to cope with.

Learning New Ways to Regulate (While Staying Connected)

So here’s the good news, and this is what I’m most passionate about: We can learn new ways to regulate our nervous systems.

You are not doomed to repeat these patterns forever. Your nervous system is adaptable. We can learn new tricks.

The goal isn’t to eliminate your stress responses—you’re a human being, and some level of activation is normal and healthy. The goal is to expand your window of tolerance so you can stay present with your partner even when things get difficult.

For someone like Nance (the shutdown pattern): The work is learning that he doesn’t have to shut down completely to stay regulated. There are other ways to manage his discomfort without disconnecting entirely. This might look like:

→ Learning to notice the early signs that shutdown is coming (body awareness)

→ Practicing staying present for just 30 seconds longer than feels comfortable

→ Developing language to name what’s happening: “I’m noticing I want to leave right now, but I’m going to try to stay”

→ Understanding that his shutdown, while protective for him, dysregulates Helen

For someone like Helen (the fight pattern): The work is learning that she can stay regulated without escalating. There are ways to pursue connection that don’t involve raising her voice or pushing harder. This might look like:

→ Recognizing when her system is starting to mobilize (racing heart, rising voice)

→ Pausing to take a few breaths before continuing

→ Naming her fear directly: “I’m scared we’re disconnecting” instead of “Why won’t you talk to me?”

→ Understanding that her pursuit, while coming from good intentions, dysregulates Nance

The Gold Medal: Co-Regulation Here’s what becomes possible once both partners learn new regulation strategies: you can actually start to help regulate each other’s nervous system.

When Helen can stay calm, her calm nervous system sends a signal to Nance’s nervous system: “It’s safe here. You don’t have to shut down.” When Nance can stay present without shutting down, his presence sends a signal to Helen’s nervous system: “I’m not leaving. You don’t have to fight for connection.”

This is called co-regulation, and it’s one of the most beautiful things that happens in healthy relationships. Your nervous systems start working together instead of against each other.

And then—voila—there’s communication. Real communication. Not forced scripts or techniques, but actual connection happening because both nervous systems are regulated enough to allow it.

Three Common Mistakes Couples Make

Mistake #1: Thinking More Talking Will Fix It

I can’t tell you how many couples come in saying they need to “communicate more” or “talk things through better.” Sometimes, yes, you need better communication skills. But often what you actually need is better regulation skills. Talking when you’re dysregulated just means you’re having a dysregulated conversation—which usually makes things worse, not better.

Mistake #2: Trying to Logic Your Way Out

When your nervous system is activated, your prefrontal cortex (the logical, rational part of your brain) is offline. Trying to reason with yourself or your partner in that moment is like trying to run a computer program when the power’s out. First, you need to get the power back on—which means regulation.

Mistake #3: Blaming Your Partner’s Pattern

It’s so easy to see your partner’s pattern as “the problem.” If only Nance would talk more. If only Helen would stop yelling. But both patterns are symptoms of the same underlying issue: nervous system dysregulation rooted in childhood adaptation. Neither person is the villain. You’re both stuck in a dance where each person’s dysregulation triggers the other’s.

What Actually Helps: Practical Steps

Based on working with hundreds of couples over decades, here’s what actually makes a difference:

Step 1: Develop Awareness of Your Own Pattern You can’t change what you’re not aware of. Start noticing:

→ What does it feel like in your body when you start to go into your pattern?

→ What triggers tend to activate it?

→ What are the early warning signs before you’re fully dysregulated?

Keep a simple log for a week. Just notice. No judgment. “I noticed I started to shut down when…” or “I noticed my voice got louder when…”

Step 2: Learn to Self-Regulate This is the skill that most people never learned growing up. Simple practices include:

→ Box breathing (4 counts in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold)

→ Placing your hand on your heart or stomach

→ Going for a short walk

→ Splashing cold water on your face

→ Progressive muscle relaxation

Find what works for your nervous system. Some people need to move (walk, stretch). Some people need to ground (breathing, body awareness). Experiment.

Step 3: Practice Staying Present Just a Little Longer

Don’t try to completely override your pattern overnight. That’s too big a leap. Instead, if you normally shut down after 30 seconds of conflict, try staying for 45 seconds. If you normally escalate within 2 minutes, try staying regulated for 2 minutes and 15 seconds.

Small increments. You’re building new neural pathways. That takes repetition and time.

Step 4: Communicate About Your Pattern (When You’re Regulated)

Have a conversation with your partner when you’re both calm. Not during conflict. Talk about your patterns.

“When I feel criticized, my instinct is to shut down. I learned this as a kid. I’m working on it, but I need you to know it’s not about you—it’s my nervous system trying to protect me.”

“When I feel disconnection starting, my instinct is to pursue harder and get louder. I learned this from watching my parents. I’m working on it, but I need you to know I’m actually scared, not angry.”

This kind of vulnerability, shared from a regulated state, builds understanding and compassion.

Step 5: Create Repair Rituals

You will dysregulate. You will fall back into old patterns sometimes. That’s normal. That’s being human. What matters is repair.

Develop a simple ritual for after things go sideways:

→ “Can we try that again?”

→ A specific hand gesture that means “I need a break but I’m coming back”

→ A brief hug or physical connection before talking

→ A shared phrase like “We got stuck in the pattern, didn’t we?”

Repair is more important than perfection.

When Professional Help Makes Sense

Look, I’m a therapist, so you might think I’m biased here. But there are specific situations where professional help isn’t just useful—it’s crucial:

When to Consider Therapy:

→ You’ve been stuck in the same pattern for months or years with no improvement

→ One or both partners experienced significant childhood trauma

→ There’s been infidelity, addiction, or other major betrayals

→ Either partner has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD) that complicate the dynamic

→ You’ve tried self-help approaches and they’re not creating change

→ The relationship is affecting your physical health, work, or parenting

A skilled couples therapist who understands nervous system regulation can:

→ Help you identify your specific patterns more clearly than you might on your own

→ Provide real-time coaching during difficult conversations

→ Offer tailored regulation strategies based on your unique nervous systems

→ Address underlying trauma that’s fueling the patterns

→ Hold hope for you when you can’t hold it for yourselves

What to Look For in a Therapist:

→ Specialization in couples therapy (not just individual therapy)

→ Training in attachment theory, nervous system regulation, or trauma-informed care

→ Understanding that both partners are in pain, not that one is “the problem”

→ Focus on the relationship dynamic, not just individual communication skills

→ Ability to create a safe space for both partners

The Evolution Helen and Nance Experienced

Let me tell you how things turned out for Helen and Nance, because their story illustrates what’s possible.

They developed what I call “emotional muscle”—the ability to stay present with discomfort without immediately reaching for their old coping strategies. Nance learned he could feel anxious and stay in the conversation. Helen learned she could feel scared of disconnection and not escalate in response.

They practiced. A lot. It wasn’t linear. Some weeks were better than others. But gradually, something shifted.

Nance started saying things like, “I notice I want to leave right now, but I’m going to sit with this for another minute.” Helen started saying things like, “I’m feeling that panic again—the one where I think you’re checking out—but I’m going to take a breath instead of raising my voice.”

They learned to name what was happening in their bodies. They learned to understand each other’s patterns with compassion instead of blame. They learned, gradually, to co-regulate—to help soothe each other’s nervous systems instead of triggering them.

Most importantly: They learned they didn’t have to be victims of their families of origin. Nance could evolve beyond his childhood shutdown strategy. Helen could evolve beyond her childhood pursuit pattern.

They found that beating themselves up was not only unhelpful—it was inaccurate. They weren’t failing at something they should have known. They were learning something new. Big difference.

Why “Just Talk More” Isn’t the Answer

This might sound counterintuitive coming from a therapist, but talking isn’t everything. In fact, sometimes talking is exactly the wrong prescription.

If you’re dysregulated, talking will likely be dysregulated talking—which means more misunderstanding, more hurt, more disconnection. You need regulation first, connection second, communication third.

Here’s what I tell couples: You need to be able to be present with each other in ways that don’t involve words. You need to rebuild safety in your nervous systems around each other. Sometimes that happens through:

→ Being in the same room doing separate things peacefully

Physical touch without talking (hand-holding, hugging)
Parallel activities (cooking together, walking together)
Eye contact and presence
Small gestures that signal “I’m here” and “You matter”

These non-verbal forms of connection can actually be more regulating than conversation, especially when you’re learning new patterns.

Once your nervous systems feel safe together again, communication becomes easier. Natural, even. You don’t have to force it or script it. It flows because the underlying foundation—regulation and co-regulation—is there.

Moving Forward

If you’re reading this and recognizing your own pattern—or your partner’s—take a breath. Seriously. Right now. Take a breath.

What you’re experiencing isn’t a character flaw. It’s not evidence that your relationship is doomed. It’s not proof that you or your partner are broken.

It’s evidence that you’re human beings with nervous systems shaped by your experiences, doing your best to stay safe in relationships.

The patterns you developed made sense. They served you once. They protected you.

And now, with awareness and practice and probably some patience and maybe some professional support, you can learn new patterns. You can expand your window of tolerance. You can develop the emotional muscle to stay present with each other even when it’s uncomfortable.

Helen and Nance did it. Hundreds of other couples I’ve worked with have done it. You can do it too.

This is what I’m passionate about—helping couples understand that communication problems are usually regulation problems in disguise, and that there’s a path forward that doesn’t require you to somehow become a different person or erase your past.

You just need to learn some new tricks. Your nervous system is ready. The question is: are you?

About the Author: Todd Creager has spent decades working with couples navigating infidelity, disconnection, and communication breakdowns. His approach focuses on understanding the deeper nervous system dynamics that drive relationship patterns, helping partners move from dysregulation and pain toward co-regulation and authentic connection. He specializes in helping couples who feel stuck in patterns that seem impossible to change.

Methodology Note: The insights in this article are drawn from direct clinical experience with hundreds of couples over multiple decades, integrated with current research on nervous system regulation, attachment theory, and trauma-informed care. The case examples are composites designed to illustrate common patterns while protecting client confidentiality. The emphasis on nervous system regulation as foundational to communication is based on both practical observation in therapy sessions and emerging neuroscience research on how autonomic nervous system states affect relational capacity.

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The Hidden Cost of Not Fixing Your Communication Patterns

June 12, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Have you considered that there are hidden costs of not fixing your communication patterns in your relationship?

As someone who has worked with couples for decades, I’ve seen firsthand how poor communication can slowly erode even the strongest relationships.

Today, I want to share some important insights about what happens when we don’t address these communication issues.

The Reality of Communication Struggles

Most of us weren’t taught how to communicate effectively in relationships.

We didn’t have good role models showing us how to share our feelings, needs, and dreams with our partners.

When couples first get together, everything feels exciting and wonderful. But as time goes on, challenges arise, and that’s when communication patterns become crucial.

Here’s what I’ve observed in my practice:

The Physical and Emotional Impact of Not Fixing Communication Patterns:

Poor communication patterns don’t just hurt your relationship – they can affect your physical health too.

Studies show that healthy relationships boost your immune system, while troubled relationships can lead to:

– Cardiovascular issues (quite literally, a broken heart)

– Digestive problems (when you can’t “stomach” the disconnection)

– Muscle tension and pain (from lack of emotional support)

– Mental health challenges and increased stress

The Dangerous Cycle of Settling

One of the most concerning things I see is when couples simply settle for a disconnected relationship.

They become mere housemates, secretly longing for something more but never taking steps to fix their communication patterns. This settling creates a deep sense of loneliness and can lead to irreversible damage in the relationship.

When to Seek Help

You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to work on your communication patterns.

Warning signs include:

– Fighting about small things constantly

– Feeling disconnected or lonely even when together

– Avoiding important conversations

– Increased alcohol use or other escape behaviors

– Considering separation or divorce

The Path Forward to Fixing Your Communication Patterns

The good news is that these communication patterns can be fixed with the right guidance.

Don’t wait until your relationship reaches a breaking point. The cost of not fixing your communication patterns is too high – both emotionally and physically.

Watch the video below to learn more about how you can start improving your relationship communication today.

Remember, we’re all beginners when it comes to healthy communication. Instead of beating yourself up about relationship problems, acknowledge that there are things to learn and take action to learn them.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

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Why Love Isn’t Enough: Breaking Free from Repeating Arguments

June 5, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered why love isn’t enough to fix repeating arguments in your relationship?

As a relationship therapist, I’ve heard countless couples say “We love each other so much, but we keep having the same fights over and over.” Today, I want to help you understand why this happens and what you can do about it.

Here’s why you’ll want to watch this eye-opening video:

Understanding Your Survival Mode

I explain why we get stuck in repeating arguments even when we deeply love our partner.

It’s not because you don’t care enough – it’s because your brain is stuck in survival mode, triggering old wounds and protective patterns that keep you arguing about the same things.

Discovering Your Blind Spots

Learn why love isn’t enough to fix repeating arguments until you understand your emotional blind spots.

I share real examples of how childhood experiences shape our reactions and why we keep getting triggered by our partner in ways we don’t even realize.

Solutions That Help End Those Repeating Arguments

I offer clear, actionable advice on how to break free from repeating arguments.

You’ll learn specific techniques to slow down, become more aware, and respond differently when conflicts arise.

These tools have helped countless couples move from repeating arguments to deeper connection.

The Shadow Side of Love

We dive deep into understanding the “shadow side” – those unconscious parts of ourselves that sabotage our relationships even when we’re trying our best.

Once you understand why love alone isn’t enough, you can start working with these hidden patterns and repeating arguments over and over instead of being controlled by them.

Throughout this video, I share personal examples and real couple scenarios that will help you see your own relationship dynamics more clearly.

You’ll learn why repeating arguments aren’t just about the surface issues, but about deeper survival patterns that need your attention and understanding.

My 90-minute program “From Bickering and Escalation to Connecting and Loving” takes these insights even further.

But this video gives you the essential foundation for understanding why love isn’t enough to fix repeating arguments and what you can do to create real change.

Ready to understand what’s really driving those repeating arguments and learn how to break free from them?

Watch the video below.

Your relationship deserves more than just love – it deserves understanding, awareness, and the practical tools to grow stronger together.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Why Just Talking About It Isn’t Working

May 29, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered why just talking about it isn’t working with your partner often leads to more conflict instead of resolution?

As a relationship expert, I’ve seen countless couples struggle when trying to talk it out, only to find themselves more frustrated and disconnected than before.

Today, I want to help you understand why just talking about it isn’t working and share some valuable insights to improve your communication.

The Hidden Truth About Communication

When couples come to me saying they’ve talked for hours without making progress, I tell them something surprising: It’s not that communication doesn’t work – it’s that we’re not doing it right.

Just talking about it isn’t working because we’re stuck in what I call “secondary emotions” – those surface-level feelings like anger and frustration that mask our deeper, more vulnerable feelings.

Here’s what you’ll discover in this when watching the video below:

–The crucial difference between primary and secondary emotions, and why accessing those deeper feelings is key to real connection

–Understanding why venting isn’t the same as sharing, and how this distinction can transform your conversations

–The power of non-verbal communication and how softening your approach can create safety for vulnerable discussions

–Why the intent behind your communication matters more than the words themselves

The Real Problem With Just Talking

Most couples don’t realize that just talking about it isn’t working because they’re focused on being right rather than understanding each other.

When we communicate from a place of defensiveness or trying to prove our point, we miss the opportunity to create real connection.

I often see couples caught in an endless loop of point-counterpoint, where just talking about it becomes a battle rather than a bridge to understanding.

The key is shifting your intent from winning the argument to truly sharing and receiving each other’s experiences.

Moving Beyond Just Talking

To make real progress in your communication, you need to:

– Focus on expressing primary emotions (hurt, fear, sadness) rather than secondary ones (anger, frustration)

– Share with the intent to inform rather than release tension

– Create safety for vulnerable conversations through non-verbal cues and gentle touch

– Listen without agenda, truly trying to understand your partner’s perspective

In my new 90-minute program “From Escalation and Conflict to Connecting and Loving,” I dive deep into these concepts and provide practical tools for better communication.

When you understand why just talking about it isn’t working, you can start making meaningful changes in how you connect with your partner.

Ready to improve your communication with your partner?

Watch the video below to learn my proven techniques for moving beyond just talking and creating real connection with your partner.

Together, we can make your relationship safer, stronger, and more loving than ever before.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

What Your Parents Never Taught You About Healthy Love – The Truth Revealed

May 21, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

What Your Parents Never Taught You About Healthy Love: Essential Lessons for Lasting Relationships

Have you ever wondered why no one taught us about healthy love?

As a relationship expert with over 40 years of experience, I’ve discovered that while we take classes for everything from medical school to golf lessons, most of us never learned the fundamentals of healthy love from our parents or society.

The Truth About Healthy Love

When I talk about healthy love, I mean the kind of love where couples stay connected through both good times and bad.

It’s about having a relationship where you can express your feelings openly – whether you’re sad, angry, or disappointed – without pushing your partner away or resorting to yelling and screaming.

Why We Struggle with Healthy Love

Most of us grew up watching our parents handle conflict in unhealthy ways. Instead of seeing repair and understanding, we witnessed:

– Fight or flight responses

– Punishment through yelling and bickering

– Emotional withdrawal and avoiding difficult conversations

– Suppression of genuine feelings and experiences

The good news is that healthy love can be learned at any age.

Thanks to advances in neuroscience, we now know our brains have “neuroplasticity” – the ability to create new patterns and ways of relating.

Key Components of Healthy Love

Through my work with couples, I’ve identified three essential elements for creating healthy love:

Repair: Learning to acknowledge when we’ve responded poorly and making it right

Attunement: Truly understanding and “getting” your partner’s experience

Curiosity: Being genuinely interested in your partner’s different needs and perspectives

Learning Healthy Love is Possible

Just like learning any new skill, developing healthy love takes practice and guidance.

Whether you’re in your 20s or 80s, you can learn to:

– Express yourself authentically instead of just presenting what you think others want to see

– Create a safe environment where both partners can be fully themselves

– Handle conflicts in ways that strengthen rather than damage your connection

– Understand and respond to different love languages and needs

Ready to Develop These Skills and Implement Them Into Your Relationship?

If you’re ready to develop the skills for healthy love, I invite you to watch my detailed video below.

I share specific strategies and insights from my decades of experience helping couples create stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
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The Truth About Your “Broken” Self: It’s Just Nervous System Overload

May 15, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

You might be feeling that your broken but the truth is your nervous system is overloaded.

Have you ever wondered why you freeze up during arguments or feel emotionally flooded when your partner criticizes you?

The truth is, you’re not broken – your nervous system is overloaded. As a relationship therapist, I want to help you understand what’s really happening in your body and mind during these challenging moments.

Here’s what you’ll learn in this important discussion:

Understanding Your Nervous System Response

When your nervous system is overloaded, it triggers automatic responses that aren’t conscious choices.

Through the vagus nerve, which extends from your brain to your intestines, your body responds to perceived threats in ways that can feel overwhelming.

Learning about these natural protective mechanisms helps you stop blaming yourself for these reactions.

The Three Ways We React to Stress

Your body has three main ways of dealing with threatening situations:

– Freezing: Like a deer in headlights, you might shut down completely

– Fighting/Fleeing: Your sympathetic nervous system activates, leading to emotional explosions or running away

– Social Engagement: The healthy response where you can stay present and work things out with your partner

In the full video below, I share in detail a powerful example of a 40-year-old teacher who couldn’t speak to adults due to childhood trauma.

Through EMDR therapy and understanding his overloaded nervous system, he found freedom from this pattern.

These stories share how lasting change is possible when we address the root causes.

Practical Steps for Change

Your nervous system can learn new ways of responding. I explain concrete techniques for:

– Building healthy communication patterns with your partner

– Recognizing when your nervous system is overloaded

– Learning to co-regulate with your partner instead of freezing or fighting

– Using professional help when needed to heal deeper trauma

Here’s Why Should Matter to You:

Understanding that your nervous system is overloaded rather than “broken” opens the door to real healing.

When you stop judging yourself and start working with your body’s natural responses, you can create lasting positive changes in your relationships.

Ready to learn more about how your overloaded nervous system affects your relationships and what you can do about it?

Watch the full video below for deeper insights and practical tools to help you create healthier relationship patterns.

Don’t let an overloaded nervous system keep controlling your relationships.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

What If You Could Stop an Argument Before it Starts?

May 8, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered what if you could stop an argument before it starts?

As a relationship therapist with over 40 years of experience, I’ve discovered that it’s not only possible – it’s a skill that any couple can learn.

Let me share with you why understanding this concept could transform your relationship forever.

The Truth About Arguments and How to Prevent Them

When we think about how to stop an argument before it starts, we need to understand that fights don’t just happen randomly.

They follow patterns, and these patterns can be changed.

Here’s what you’ll learn in this important discussion:

– The science behind why we get triggered and how our brain’s survival mechanism affects our relationships

– Practical techniques to pause and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally

– The power of “clean intentions” in communication and how they can prevent arguments

– Why vulnerability is stronger than defensiveness in stopping conflicts before they begin

Understanding Your Triggers

One of the most powerful ways to stop an argument before it starts is to understand what sets you off.

Our brains are wired for survival, which means we often react to emotional threats as if they were physical dangers.

When your partner criticizes you, your brain might respond as if you’re facing a real threat – but you can learn to override this response.

The Power of the Pause

Learning to stop an argument before it starts requires developing what I call “the power of the pause.” This means:

– Taking deep breaths before responding

– Recognizing when you’re getting triggered

– Choosing to share feelings instead of attacking

– Listening with genuine curiosity instead of defending

The Impact of Prevention

The ability to stop an argument before it starts doesn’t just make your relationship more peaceful – it creates a deeper connection between partners.

When you learn these skills, you’ll experience:

– More emotional intimacy

– Better communication

– Increased trust

– Stronger bonds with your partner

If you’re ready to learn how to stop an argument before it starts, I invite you to watch my complete video below.

I’ll guide you through specific techniques and share real examples from my decades of experience helping couples build stronger, more loving relationships.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Why Your Partner Doesn’t Hear You – It’s All About Brain Chemistry

May 1, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered why your partner doesn’t hear you, even when you’re speaking directly to them?

As a relationship expert, I’ve discovered that the real reason your partner does not hear you has everything to do with brain chemistry.

Let me share what I’ve learned from helping countless couples improve their communication.

When your partner seems distant or defensive during conversations, it’s not just about being distracted or difficult – it’s actually about what’s happening in their brain.

Here’s what you’ll learn in this eye-opening discussion:

– The surprising role dopamine plays in why your partner may choose their phone over listening to you

– How fear responses trigger defensive reactions, even when there’s no real threat

– Simple techniques to break through these chemical barriers and finally feel heard

– The sustainable way to create deeper connection through understanding brain chemistry

Let’s talk about what really happens when your partner doesn’t hear you.

Whether they’re scrolling through their phone while you’re trying to have an important conversation, or they become instantly defensive when you express your feelings, it all comes down to neurochemistry.

The dopamine factor is fascinating.

When your partner is on their device instead of listening, they’re actually getting a chemical reward in their brain. Each notification, each scroll gives them a little hit of pleasure. It’s not that they don’t care about what you’re saying – they’re literally being hijacked by their brain’s reward system.

But there’s more to why your partner does not hear you.

When conversations become tense, and they react defensively, that’s another chemical response altogether. Their brain perceives a threat (even when there isn’t one) and floods with protective hormones. Suddenly, they’re physiologically unable to really hear you.

The good news is that understanding these chemical reactions gives us the power to change them.

It takes effort, but when we recognize these patterns, we can consciously choose to put down the phone or take a deep breath instead of becoming defensive.

The reward? A deeper, more meaningful connection with our partner.

Ready to understand the fascinating science behind why your partner doesn’t hear you and learn how to break through these chemical barriers?

Watch the video below to discover practical strategies for creating real connection in your relationship.

Your partner’s brain chemistry doesn’t have to stand in the way of being heard and understood.

Rediscover the Spark: Fall Back in Love with Your Partner!

Have you ever felt like the flame in your relationship is flickering? You’re not alone. It’s common for even the most passionate romances to hit a lull.

But what if you could reignite that spark and fall deeply in love all over again?

Don’t let your love story lose its luster. Click now to access “Rekindling Romance: The Art of Falling Back in Love” and start your journey to a more fulfilling, passionate relationship today! 🌟💕

How Better Communication Leads to Great Sex – Expert Tips

April 21, 2025 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered why some couples seem to have an amazing sex life while others struggle?

As a sex therapist, I can tell you that great communication and great sex go hand in hand. Today, I want to share some powerful insights about how better communication can transform your intimate relationship.

The Truth About Communication and Sexual Connection

Let me tell you something important – communication isn’t just about talking.

It’s the biggest aphrodisiac there is, both for women and men. While women often openly acknowledge that they need emotional connection to feel sexual, men need it just as much, even if they don’t realize it.

Here’s what I’ve learned from working with countless couples:

Connection Over Being Right

Many couples get stuck in defensive, reactive patterns because they’re more focused on being right than being connected. This is a recipe for disaster in both communication and sex.

When you drop the need to debate and instead focus on making your partner feel heard, amazing things happen in the bedroom.

The Power of Non-Verbal Communication

Research shows that 93% of communication is non-verbal.

That means your tone, eyes, smile, and body language matter more than your words.

Let me give you an example – saying “you look nice” to your partner can have completely different meanings depending on how you say it.

The intensity in your voice, the way you look at them – that’s what creates real connection.

Creating Sexual Intensity Through Daily Communication

One of my favorite tips for great communication and great sex is conscious flirting.

It’s actually more important to flirt with your partner of 20 years than on your first date! Think about ways to compliment your partner, show appreciation, and create moments of intensity through both words and touch.

The Magic of Eye Contact

I worked with couple who spent five minutes every night just gazing into each other’s eyes.

While this might sound intense to most people, their sex life was incredible. They created deep intimacy through this simple practice of non-verbal communication.

Why This Matters for Your Sex Life

When you open up your communication – both verbal and non-verbal – you’ll be amazed at how it affects your sexual potential. Your body literally responds to better communication by becoming more open and receptive to pleasure.

Ready to experience how great communication can lead to great sex?

Watch my full video below where I dive deeper into these techniques and share more practical tips for creating the intimate connection you desire.

Rediscover the Spark: Fall Back in Love with Your Partner!

Have you ever felt like the flame in your relationship is flickering? You’re not alone. It’s common for even the most passionate romances to hit a lull.

But what if you could reignite that spark and fall deeply in love all over again?

How Childhood Experiences Influence Conflict Avoidance in Marriage

August 27, 2024 by Todd Creager Leave a Comment

Hey there! Have you ever wondered why some couples seem to struggle with conflict avoidance in marriage?

As a relationship expert, I’ve seen firsthand how childhood experiences can shape our ability to handle disagreements in marriage.

Today, I want to dive into this fascinating topic of how childhood experiences influence conflict avoidance in marriage and share some insights that could transform your relationship.

In the video below on this topic of How Childhood Experiences Influence Conflict Avoidance in Marriage, I explore the roots of conflict avoidance and offer practical tips to overcome it.

I’ve seen many couples struggle with it in my 30 years of working with couples.

Let me tell you, conflict avoidance in marriage or any relationship is a big deal. It’s often at the heart of issues like low sexual desire, feeling stuck in a dead-end relationship, and even infidelity.

But here’s the thing – avoiding conflict doesn’t solve problems. It actually creates more of them.

So, why should you watch this video? Let me give you a few compelling reasons:

1. Uncover the hidden influence of your past: We’ll explore how your childhood experiences shape your approach to conflict in your marriage. Understanding this connection can be eye-opening and help you break free from unhelpful patterns.

2. Learn to recognize conflict avoidance: I’ll share some tell-tale signs of conflict avoidance that you might not even realize you’re doing. This awareness is the first step towards positive change.

3. Discover the power of facing conflict: You’ll learn why facing conflict head-on can actually strengthen your relationship and lead to a deeper connection with your partner.

4. Get practical tips for becoming a “conflict facer”: I’ll give you some actionable strategies to help you start addressing conflicts in a healthy, constructive way.

5. Understand the importance of individuality in relationships: We’ll discuss why it’s crucial to maintain your own identity and express your needs, even when it might lead to disagreement.

In this video, I share personal insights from my years of experience working with couples.

I talk about how many of us haven’t had good role models for handling conflict in relationships. Maybe you grew up in a family where feelings weren’t discussed openly, or where achievement was prioritized over emotional connection.

These experiences can shape how we handle conflict as adults.

I also delve into the concept of “invisible wants and needs” – a common issue I see in couples therapy. When we avoid conflict, we often push our own desires and needs aside, leading to resentment and disconnection.

But here’s the good news – you can learn to face conflict in a healthy way.

In the video, I guide you through some questions to ask yourself, like “What am I avoiding?” and “What am I afraid to share with my partner?”

These simple yet powerful questions can help you start to uncover the root of your conflict avoidance.

Remember, the goal isn’t to create conflict for the sake of it. It’s about learning to express yourself authentically and creating space for your partner to do the same. This is how we build what I call “higher level harmony” – a relationship where both partners feel heard, respected, and valued.

Watching this video could be the first step towards reducing conflict avoidance in marriage or relationships and move to a more open, honest, and fulfilling relationship with your partner.

You’ll gain insights into your own behavior, learn practical strategies for addressing conflict, and understand how to create a stronger connection with your partner.

So, are you ready to face your conflicts head-on and create a more robust, authentic relationship?

Don’t miss out on these valuable insights. Watch the video now and start your journey towards becoming a “conflict facer” rather than a “conflict avoider.”

Remember, I’m here to help you make the world safe for love.

So go ahead, click play, and let’s tackle this together. Your relationship will thank you for it!

Rediscover the Spark: Fall Back in Love with Your Partner!

Have you ever felt like the flame in your relationship is flickering? You’re not alone. It’s common for even the most passionate romances to hit a lull.

But what if you could reignite that spark and fall deeply in love all over again?

Communication Tips & Advice

What Shame Actually Does to Your Nervous System

How to Know When Shame Has Taken Over

Why Your Partner Thinks You Don’t Care (And What’s Really Happening)

The Moment That Changed Everything for Cheryl

What Actually Repairs Connection (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)

The Practice That Changes Shame Shutdown

What to Do When Your Partner Is the One Shutting Down

The Long-Term Work: Healing the Original Shame

Your Relationship Needs You Whole, Not Small

Watch the video and get personal insights from Todd on why you’re shutting down during conflict

When Your Body Shuts Down During Conflict: Why You Freeze and How to Stay Present Without Saying a Word

What’s Actually Happening When You Freeze

Why Some People Freeze and Others Don’t

The Real Cost of Freezing (And It’s Not What You Think)

What Doesn’t Work (Stop Doing These Things)

How to Stay Present When Words Won’t Come

The Three-Minute Practice That Rewires Your Freeze Response

What Your Partner Can Do (This Part Is For Them)

Beyond the Freeze: Building Long-Term Capacity

Your Nervous System Isn’t Your Enemy

When You Know You’re Not Broken, Just Frozen

Watch The Video Where Todd Explains How to Stop Shutting Down During Arguments

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.Lifetime access. Real results.

The Hidden Truth About Defensiveness

What Really Happened with Rob and Jody

The Pause That Changed Their Marriage

Why This Works (The Science Behind Presence)

Three Ways to Break the Defensiveness Cycle

When Defensiveness Makes Sense (And Still Doesn’t Help)

What to Do When Your Partner Gets Defensive

What Safety Actually Looks Like

The Long-Term Shift

When to Get Professional Help

Your Next Step

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.Lifetime access. Real results.

Why Couples Get Stuck in the Need to Be Right

The Addiction to Being Right in Relationships

How to Stop Fighting About Who’s Right in Your Relationship

Practical Steps to Choose Connection Over Being Right

What Better Communication Actually Looks Like

Building Emotional Muscle for Relationship Communication

Why Feeling Understood Matters More Than Being Right

Moving From Conflict to Connection in Your Relationship

Watch The Video where Todd Explains Why Being Right is Ruining Your Relationship

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.Lifetime access. Real results.

When Bickering Becomes Your Relationship’s Default Setting: What Nobody Tells You About Breaking the Cycle

Why “Just Communicate Better” Is Terrible Advice

The Speed Problem Nobody Talks About

What’s Really Happening When You Bicker

Why Disconnection Feels Easier (And Why That’s the Trap)

The Real Answer Isn’t What You Think

What Changed (And What Didn’t)

Why This Works When Everything Else Hasn’t

What Actually Reconnects You (Without More Talking)

Moving Forward (Without the Usual Bullshit About “Communication”)

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.Lifetime access. Real results.

The Couple That Couldn’t Talk (But It Wasn’t About Talking)

What’s Really Happening: Your Nervous System Is Running the Show

The Sympathetic and Immobilization Defense Patterns

Why Beating Yourself Up Makes It Worse

Learning New Ways to Regulate (While Staying Connected)

Three Common Mistakes Couples Make

What Actually Helps: Practical Steps

When Professional Help Makes Sense

The Evolution Helen and Nance Experienced

Why “Just Talk More” Isn’t the Answer

Moving Forward

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.Lifetime access. Real results.

The Reality of Communication Struggles

Here’s what I’ve observed in my practice:

When to Seek Help

The Path Forward to Fixing Your Communication Patterns

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.