Todd Creager

Orange County Marriage Therapy

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Arguing and Bickering

Why You Shut Down During Arguments (And It’s Not Because You Don’t Care)

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This post is about something I see almost every week in my therapy office.

A couple sits on my couch, and one person goes quiet. Not the angry quiet—the disappearing kind. Their chest sinks, their voice gets small, and their partner thinks they’ve checked out. But here’s what’s really happening: their nervous system just hit the shame button, and they’re not avoiding the conversation—they’re drowning in it.

TL;DR: When you shut down during conflict, it’s usually not apathy or stonewalling—it’s a shame response. Your body is trying to protect you from feeling like a bad, wrong person. This article shows you how to recognize when shame takes over and how to stay present for yourself and your partner without collapsing.

But here’s what most people miss:

→ Shame shutdown looks like “not caring” to your partner, but it’s actually a sign you care so much that your nervous system can’t handle the perceived threat of being “bad”

→ Over-apologizing is often a shame response, not real accountability—and it doesn’t actually help repair

→ You can’t talk your way out of a shame spiral; you have to work with your body first

I’ve spent over 30 years working with couples, and I can tell you that shame-driven shutdown is one of the most misunderstood reasons we disconnect.

It gets mistaken for indifference, avoidance, or not trying. But I’m going to show you what’s really going on and how to work with it.

What Shame Actually Does to Your Nervous System

When shame hits, you’re not making a choice to shut down. Your body is doing what it learned to do, probably when you were young. Maybe you had a parent who shamed you, or you got the message that your feelings were too much, or you learned that being visible when you messed up was dangerous.

In my practice, I use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help people heal from the original shame wounds. But before we get there, you need to understand what’s happening in the moment.

Your nervous system has three basic responses to threat: fight, flight, or freeze. Shame triggers that freeze response—what we call the shutdown reaction. Your chest literally collapses. Blood flow to your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) decreases. You feel small, young, and wrong.

I worked with a woman named Cheryl—names changed for privacy—who would go completely silent whenever her husband Jerry expressed disappointment. Not regular quiet. Gone. Jerry would feel abandoned, which made him push harder, which made Cheryl shut down more. Classic cycle.

Here’s what was happening: Cheryl’s mother had shamed her growing up. Any mistake meant you were a bad person. So when Jerry was upset, Cheryl’s 6-year-old self took over. That part of her believed she was fundamentally wrong, and the only option was to disappear.

The difference between guilt and shame matters here. Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Guilt can actually be useful—it helps you recognize when you need to repair something. But shame? Shame makes you unavailable because you’re not arguing about what happened; you’re trying to survive the feeling that you’re inherently wrong.

How to Know When Shame Has Taken Over

Pay attention to your body. Shame has a specific signature, and once you recognize it, you can start working with it instead of being hijacked by it.

In sessions, I ask people to notice:

→ Where does your chest go? (Usually it collapses inward)

→ What happens to your voice? (Gets quiet or disappears)

→ How big do you feel? (Small, young, like a child)

→ What’s the thought? (Usually something all-or-nothing: “I mess everything up” or “It’s all my fault”)

One client told me, “Every time we argue, I feel like I’m 6 years old and I just want to hide in my room.” That’s exactly it. You’re not actually 6, but that’s the age that shows up when shame takes over.

The language of shame is black and white. You’ll hear yourself think:

→ “I always do this”

→ “I’m the reason we’re not okay”

→ “I mess everything up”

→ “I can’t do anything right”

That “all or nothing” thinking is a red flag. Your adult self knows that relationships are nuanced. But shame doesn’t do nuance. It deals in absolutes.

Why Your Partner Thinks You Don’t Care (And What’s Really Happening)

This is where it gets tricky. From the outside, shame shutdown looks like:

→ Not caring

→ Giving up

→ Avoiding responsibility

→ Not being present

So your partner feels abandoned. They think you’re not trying, or you’re checked out, or you don’t value the relationship enough to engage.

But from the inside, you’re not checked out—you’re overwhelmed. You care so much that your system can’t handle the possibility of being seen as wrong or bad. The shame is so big that your nervous system shuts you down to protect you.

I’ve seen couples where the betrayed partner thinks the person who cheated is “stonewalling” when they go quiet. But often, what I’m seeing is shame collapse. The person who betrayed is flooded with “I’m a terrible person” and their body literally can’t stay present with that feeling and their partner’s pain at the same time.

This doesn’t excuse the behavior. But understanding it changes how we work with it.

The Moment That Changed Everything for Cheryl

We worked on helping Cheryl recognize the exact moment shame kicked in. Not after—right when it started. She learned to notice that chest collapse, that voice disappearing, that young feeling.

One time, Jerry came home frustrated about something minor—I think dishes or plans that got mixed up. Cheryl felt the familiar pull to collapse. But this time, instead of spiraling, she paused.

She placed her hand on her heart—something we’d practiced in session—and whispered to herself, “You’re safe now.” Just that. She felt her feet on the ground. She took three breaths. And she imagined her adult self stepping forward to sit next to that 6-year-old part.

The young part was still there, still scared. But Cheryl wasn’t fused with it anymore. She could be present for that part while also being present for Jerry.

She walked over and sat beside him. Didn’t explain. Didn’t apologize. Just sat close and breathed.

Jerry told me later, “That was the first time I felt like she stayed. Like she didn’t disappear into shame.”

What Actually Repairs Connection (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)

Most people think they need to apologize their way back to connection. But over-apologizing from a shame state doesn’t work. It actually keeps you small.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” from a collapsed chest isn’t repair. It’s appeasement. Your partner can feel the difference.

Real repair comes from presence. Not explanation. Not making yourself smaller. Just staying.

Your partner doesn’t want the shame-ridden version of you. They want you whole, grounded, and available. They want to know you can stay with them and stay with yourself at the same time.

Here’s what I tell clients: You don’t have to have the perfect words. You don’t have to explain everything. You just have to stay in the room—emotionally and physically.

The Practice That Changes Shame Shutdown

When you notice shame coming up, try this four-step process. I’ve used this with hundreds of people, and it works when you actually practice it (not just when you’re already in the middle of a meltdown):

1. Name it Say to yourself, “This is shame. This isn’t the truth about who I am.”

Just naming it creates a little space. You’re not the shame; you’re noticing the shame. That’s your adult self coming online.

2. Notice it in your body Where do you feel it? Chest? Throat? Stomach? Don’t try to change it. Just notice. “My chest feels tight and small.” “My throat feels closed.” “I want to curl up.”

3. Regulate This is where you work with your nervous system directly:

→ Put your hand on your heart or your belly

→ Feel your feet on the ground

→ Take three breaths where your exhale is longer than your inhale (this activates your parasympathetic nervous system)

→ Look around the room and name what you see (this brings you into the present)

4. Reconnect Once you’re a little more regulated, you can reconnect. Sometimes that’s sitting close to your partner. Sometimes it’s making eye contact. Sometimes it’s just saying, “I need a minute, but I’m here.”

The version of you that can do this—that can notice shame, work with it, and stay present—that’s the version your relationship needs.

What to Do When Your Partner Is the One Shutting Down

If you’re the partner watching someone collapse into shame, this is painful. You feel alone. You might get angry or push harder to get them to respond. That’s normal.

But here’s what helps: Recognize that their shutdown isn’t about not caring. It’s about caring so much that their system gets overwhelmed.

You can say something like, “I can see this is hard for you. I’m not going anywhere. Take the time you need.” Give them space to regulate without abandoning them or making them wrong for the response.

Some people need a few minutes. Some need an hour. You can ask, “What do you need right now?” But don’t interrogate. Don’t make them explain why they’re shutting down while they’re in it. That just piles shame on top of shame.

When they come back, acknowledge that they came back. “Thank you for staying with this” or “I’m glad you’re here” goes a long way.

The Long-Term Work: Healing the Original Shame

What I’ve described above is about managing shame in the moment. But the deeper work is about healing the original wounds that created the shame response in the first place.

This is where EMDR comes in. In my practice, I help people process the early experiences that taught them they were bad, wrong, or too much. When you heal those wounds, the shame response doesn’t get triggered as easily.

I’ve seen people who couldn’t stay in a room during conflict learn to stay present, even when things are hard. Not because they’re forcing themselves, but because their nervous system isn’t interpreting disappointment or frustration as a threat to their fundamental worth.

This takes time. It takes professional support. But it’s possible, and I’ve watched thousands of people do it.

Your Relationship Needs You Whole, Not Small

I want you to remember this: connection doesn’t come from erasing yourself. It comes from showing up as fully as you can, even when it’s hard.

When shame tells you to disappear, your relationship suffers. Not because your partner needs you to be perfect, but because they need you to be present.

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to never feel shame. But you can learn to recognize when it’s taking over and bring yourself back.

That’s the work that changes relationships. Not perfect communication. Not never messing up. Just the ability to stay—with yourself and with your partner—even when it’s uncomfortable.

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself, know that you’re not alone. Shame-driven shutdown is one of the most common patterns I see. And it’s workable. You can learn to stay present. Your relationship can heal.

About the Author

I’m Todd Creager, a licensed clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist. I’ve been working with couples for over 30 years, helping them heal from infidelity, rebuild connection, and break free from patterns that keep them stuck. I specialize in using EMDR to help people heal from shame and trauma, and I’ve worked with thousands of individuals and couples who thought their relationships were beyond repair. Most of them were wrong about that.

The insights in this article come from decades of sitting with people in their hardest moments and watching what actually works to help them reconnect. If you’re struggling with shame in your relationship, there’s help available. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Watch the video and get personal insights from Todd on why you’re shutting down during conflict

Why Defending Yourself Is Killing Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead)

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If you’ve ever walked away from an argument with your partner feeling exhausted and unheard—even though you were just trying to explain your side—you’re not alone.

I’ve worked with hundreds of couples over the years, and I can tell you this: defensiveness is one of the biggest connection killers I see in my practice. But here’s what catches most people off guard: when you’re defending yourself, you’re not being difficult. You’re actually showing how much you care about being understood.

TL;DR: Defensiveness isn’t resistance—it’s protection.

When you explain yourself during conflict, you think you’re clarifying, but your partner hears rejection. The solution isn’t more talking. It’s presence. Three non-verbal reconnection techniques can stop the defend-disconnect cycle and create the safety needed for real communication.

What Most People Miss:

→ Your defense feels like rejection to your partner, no matter how valid your point is

→ The more you explain, the more distant your partner gets (not closer)

→ Creating safety happens through presence, not through being understood first

→ Both partners are usually trying to help the situation—they’re just making it worse

I’m going to walk you through why this happens, what’s really going on beneath the surface, and give you a specific example from my practice that changed how one couple communicates entirely.

The Hidden Truth About Defensiveness

When you defend yourself in a relationship conflict, you’re making being understood your goal. And that sounds reasonable, right? You want your partner to see things accurately, to know your intentions, to understand that what they’re saying isn’t quite fair or isn’t quite right.

The problem is this: while you’re defending, you’re not connecting.

I see this play out the same way with couple after couple in my office. One partner expresses something—maybe it’s a complaint, maybe it’s hurt, maybe it’s frustration. The other partner immediately feels misunderstood and jumps in to explain. “No, that’s not what happened” or “You’re not seeing it from my perspective” or “If you just understood that I was trying to…”

And in that moment, connection dies.

Your partner doesn’t hear your explanation as clarification. They hear it as dismissal of their experience. They feel diminished. Their reality is being challenged when all they wanted was to be heard. So what do they do? They double down. They get more intense. They repeat themselves with more emotion because now they feel rejected on top of whatever they were already upset about.

And then what do you do? You defend more because clearly they’re still not getting it. You’re trying to be helpful. You’re trying to make things better. If they could just see it your way, they wouldn’t be so upset with you.

See the cycle?

In my experience working with couples for over three decades, I’ve found that defensiveness isn’t an attack—it’s protection. And when both partners understand that, something starts to shift. But even though we can understand it intellectually, protection still creates disconnection, not connection.

What Really Happened with Rob and Jody

Let me tell you about Rob and Jody. I’ve been helping them move from constant miscommunication into deep understanding—not just spoken understanding, but the kind of unspoken understanding where you feel safe with each other.

They came to me doing exactly what I just described. Jody would bring something up. Rob would feel it was unfair or inaccurate, so he’d immediately explain himself.

He felt misunderstood, and he thought if he could just clarify, she’d see that she was perceiving things wrong.

But Jody didn’t stop and say, “Oh, okay, I see your point.” Why? Because she had a point too. She was trying to get her point heard. So now you’ve got two people bickering. I call it like each person has their own tennis balls and they’re both throwing balls in the air, but nobody’s really catching anything.

What couples really need to learn is how to play catch—where one person throws and the other person catches. In other words, one person is present for the other person.

Rob and Jody weren’t trying to fight. They were really trying to clarify. But Jody didn’t hear clarification. She heard rejection. So she’d get more intense, maybe angrier, because she didn’t feel heard. And Rob would get even more frustrated that she couldn’t see how unfair her perception was.

No one felt heard.

Here’s the moment that changed everything for them: Rob told me, “Every time I defend myself, I thought I was helping. But she told me she felt like I didn’t care about her experience at all.” That surprised him because he surely did care. But it comes off the opposite way when you’re defending.

That hit him hard.

He was trying to make things better. People who defend are often trying to make things better—they never do, but they’re trying. Rob thought if Jody could just see it his way, she wouldn’t be so upset with him.

The Pause That Changed Their Marriage

So we tried something new. The next time conflict came up (and we worked on this with both of them, not just Rob), Jody brought something up that definitely triggered him. Rob felt that urge to explain himself.

But this time, he took a pause. He took a breath. Actually, several breaths. And then he reached his hand out to her.

Notice: no talking. No defense. Just presence.

Jody looked a little shocked. And then something happened that doesn’t happen when people are defending themselves—she softened. She actually opened up more than she had ever told him before about that particular subject.

That moment changed everything.

We think the way to fix disconnection is to talk more. But when you drop the need to be right or to be understood or to defend yourself, you create space for something deeper. Safety. Softness. Repair.

When you slow down and reach out in some nonverbal way, when you’ve dropped your urge or your impulse to defend, something happens to the other person. It registers with them.

Because really, your partner doesn’t need your defense. Your partner needs your presence.

Jody learned to do this for Rob too. Every time she felt the urge to defend herself, she’d take a breath or two or whatever she needed, and then she’d reach out and touch him in some way—touch his leg, hold his hand. They practiced this in sessions. They did it between sessions.

And Rob, who typically wasn’t someone who shared a lot emotionally, started sharing more. Why? Because they were creating a place of safety.

Why This Works (The Science Behind Presence)

When you defend yourself during conflict, you’re activating your partner’s threat response. Their nervous system is registering: “My experience doesn’t matter here. I’m not safe to be vulnerable.”

Based on my work with couples dealing with infidelity, trauma, and complex relational patterns, I’ve seen how the body holds these responses. When one partner goes into explanation mode, the other partner’s body tenses. Their breathing becomes shallow. They’re preparing for battle, not connection.

But when you pause and reach out physically, you’re sending a completely different signal. You’re saying with your body: “I’m here. You matter. I’m not going anywhere.” That drops the other person’s defenses because they’re not being rejected anymore.

What research on attachment and nervous system regulation tells us: Physical touch and presence activate the parasympathetic nervous system—the part that helps us calm down and feel safe. Words activate the thinking brain, which during conflict is already spinning and trying to prove a point.

This isn’t about who’s right or wrong. It’s about creating the conditions where you can actually hear each other.

Three Ways to Break the Defensiveness Cycle

1. The Pause and Breathe

When you feel that urge to explain yourself, that’s your cue. That urgency you feel? That’s your signal to stop, not to speak. Take at least three slow breaths. I tell couples to breathe in for four counts, hold for four, breathe out for six. That’s enough to start regulating your nervous system.

During those breaths, you’re not planning what to say. You’re not building your case. You’re just breathing.

Common pitfall I see: People take one quick breath and then jump back into explanation mode. That doesn’t work. Your body needs time to shift out of protection mode.

2. Reach Out Nonverbally

After you’ve taken those breaths, reach out to your partner in some physical way. This might be:

→ Reaching for their hand

→ Placing your hand on their leg

→ Moving closer to them

→ Making soft eye contact

The key is that you’re making a bid for connection, not defense. You’re saying, “I want to be close to you” without saying anything at all.

What happens next: Your partner might be shocked at first, like Jody was. They’re expecting defense, so presence catches them off guard. Give them a moment to register what’s happening.

3. Stay Present While They Share

This is the hardest part. Once your partner softens and starts sharing more (which they usually will), you might hear things that trigger your defensiveness again. You might hear perceptions that feel inaccurate or unfair.

Stay present anyway. Keep breathing. Keep your hand on theirs. You can address misunderstandings later, but right now, you’re creating safety. And safety is what allows real communication to happen.

Reality check from 30+ years of practice: This doesn’t mean you never get to share your perspective. It means you prioritize connection first. When your partner feels heard and safe, they become capable of hearing you too. When they’re in defense mode because you’ve been defending, they can’t hear anything except rejection.

When Defensiveness Makes Sense (And Still Doesn’t Help)

I want to acknowledge something important: sometimes what your partner is saying genuinely isn’t accurate. Sometimes their perception is skewed by their own past trauma or their own pain. Sometimes they’re making assumptions that aren’t fair.

And in those moments, of course you want to clarify. Of course you want to be understood. Your desire to defend is completely understandable.

But here’s what I’ve learned in working with couples dealing with infidelity recovery, trauma, and deep relational pain: being understood in that moment is less important than creating safety. Once safety exists, understanding can happen. But if you sacrifice safety to be understood, you get neither.

I work with partners in pain all the time—people dealing with betrayal, people recovering from infidelity, people with complex trauma histories. In those situations, emotions are heightened and perceptions can be distorted by pain. The betrayed partner might perceive things through a lens of hurt that makes everything feel like rejection.

And the person who betrayed might feel constantly misunderstood, like nothing they do is seen accurately.

In both cases, defensiveness feels justified. But it still doesn’t work.

What to Do When Your Partner Gets Defensive

Everything I’ve said applies to you too when your partner is the one defending. If you bring something up and your partner immediately starts explaining themselves, you probably feel dismissed. You might get more intense, more emotional, more insistent that they hear you.

Instead, try this: “I can see you want me to understand your perspective. I do want to hear that. But right now, I need you to hear me first. Can you just listen for a moment?”

If they keep defending, you can say: “When you explain yourself right now, I feel like my experience doesn’t matter. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I just need you to hear me first.”

And if they still can’t stop defending, that might be a sign that professional help would be useful. Some couples need a therapist to help them break these patterns because they’re too entrenched to change on their own.

What Safety Actually Looks Like

When couples tell me they want to feel “safe” in their relationship, they often mean they want to be able to share vulnerable things without being shut down. They want to be able to bring up difficult topics without starting World War III.

Safety isn’t the absence of conflict. Safety is the presence of connection even during conflict.

In safe relationships:

→ You can say something your partner doesn’t like without them attacking or defending

→ You can be upset without your partner trying to fix it or explain it away

→ You can have different perceptions without one person being “right” and one being “wrong”

→ You can pause when things get heated and come back without resentment

When Rob stopped defending and reached out to Jody, he created safety. Not because he agreed with her perception, but because he prioritized connection over being understood.

That’s what safety looks like.

The Long-Term Shift

Rob and Jody didn’t become perfect at this overnight. They still slip into defensiveness sometimes. But now they catch themselves faster. Now they have a tool that actually works.

What I’ve noticed in my practice is that couples who learn to prioritize presence over defense end up communicating better overall. Why? Because they’re building emotional muscles—the ability to stay present for each other even when it’s uncomfortable.

That’s what creates the deeper, more authentic connection that couples come to therapy seeking.

Based on my work with hundreds of couples: The ones who make it through infidelity, trauma, and major life crises are the ones who learn to be curious about each other instead of defensive. They develop the capacity to sit with pain—their own and their partner’s—without trying to escape it or explain it away.

That’s not easy. It requires practice. But it’s possible.

When to Get Professional Help

Some situations are too complex to handle on your own:

→ If there’s been infidelity and the defensiveness is tied to lies or ongoing betrayal

→ If one or both partners have trauma histories that make vulnerability terrifying

→ If defensiveness has escalated into contempt, criticism, or emotional withdrawal

→ If you’ve tried these techniques and can’t seem to make them stick

Working with a therapist who understands couples dynamics, infidelity recovery, and trauma can help you navigate these deeper waters. Sometimes you need someone to help you see your blind spots and hold space for both of you.

Your Next Step

The next time you feel the need to defend yourself in a conversation with your partner, try this:

Pause. Soften your body. Reach out in some nonverbal way.

In that moment, when you shift from trying to be understood to trying to connect, the entire dynamic can change.

Your partner doesn’t need your defense. Your partner needs your presence.

And when you give them that, you create the space where real understanding becomes possible.

About This Approach

The reconnection techniques described here are based on attachment theory, nervous system regulation, and trauma-informed couples therapy.

They’re particularly effective for:

→ Couples stuck in pursue-withdraw patterns

→ Partners recovering from infidelity

→ Individuals with trauma histories affecting their relationships

→ Anyone struggling with emotional reactivity during conflict

These methods work because they address the nervous system first, before trying to address the content of the disagreement.

When both partners feel safe, they become capable of hearing each other and working through differences constructively.

Methodology note: The case example of Rob and Jody represents a composite of multiple couples I’ve worked with over three decades of practice.

Names and identifying details have been changed to protect client confidentiality while illustrating the patterns I consistently observe in my clinical work.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?


Learn how in Todd Creager’s Loving & Connecting Masterclass.
Lifetime access. Real results.

Say Yes to a Better Relationship

Why Bickering Becomes Your Default (And How to Break the Cycle)

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When Bickering Becomes Your Relationship’s Default Setting: What Nobody Tells You About Breaking the Cycle

You know that moment when you realize you’ve had the same argument for the third time this week? Not even about anything important—just that familiar dance where one person brings something up, the other gets defensive, and within minutes you’re both exhausted and further apart than when you started.

Here’s what I’ve seen after working with hundreds of couples: most relationship advice tells you to “communicate better” or “really listen to each other.” But that’s like telling someone who’s drowning to “just swim harder.” When you’re already in reactive mode, those tools are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

TL;DR: Constant bickering isn’t a communication problem—it’s a nervous system problem. Most couples are trying to solve the wrong issue. They think they need better words when they actually need to slow down their reactivity first. The pattern isn’t: bad communication → disconnection. It’s: dysregulation → reactive communication → more dysregulation → deeper disconnection.

What Most People Miss:

→ Your brain can’t process your partner’s perspective when you’re in defensive mode—it’s literally a neurological impossibility, not a character flaw

→ The content of your arguments matters far less than the speed at which you’re having them

→ Trying to “fix” the relationship through more talking when you’re both activated is like throwing gasoline on a fire and expecting it to help

Why “Just Communicate Better” Is Terrible Advice

I worked with Rick and Diane for about six months. Twenty-five years married, three kids, successful careers. They came in doing what I call the “bicker-escalate-disconnect” loop. Diane would bring up feeling disconnected. Rick would immediately defend himself—”Look what I provide! I’m doing my best!” Diane would feel unheard. Rick would feel unappreciated. Both would shut down.

Sound familiar?

Here’s the thing that took them weeks to understand: they weren’t having a communication problem. They were having a regulation problem.

When Diane approached Rick with a complaint, his nervous system heard: “You’re failing. You’re not enough.” Within seconds—and I mean seconds—his body was flooded with cortisol and adrenaline. His brain literally couldn’t access the parts responsible for empathy, perspective-taking, or curiosity. He was in survival mode.

Same thing happened to Diane when Rick got defensive. Her nervous system interpreted his defensiveness as: “Your feelings don’t matter. You’re too much.” And off to the races they’d go.

Most couples therapy focuses on teaching you communication techniques while you’re dysregulated. That’s backwards. You can’t use sophisticated tools when your brain is in fight-or-flight mode. It’s like trying to perform surgery while riding a rollercoaster.

The Speed Problem Nobody Talks About

After analyzing patterns with couples for over two decades, I’ve noticed something: the couples who bicker constantly aren’t arguing about different things than couples who don’t—they’re arguing at different speeds.

Think about it. When Diane said “I don’t feel close to you,” Rick had maybe half a second before his defensive response kicked in. That’s not enough time for his nervous system to settle, for him to get curious, for him to access the part of his brain that could hear her pain instead of just hearing criticism.

The arguments weren’t happening because they disagreed. The arguments were happening because neither of them could slow down enough to notice what was actually happening inside themselves before they reacted to each other.

This is where most relationship advice goes wrong. It tells you what to say differently. But it doesn’t address the state you’re in when you’re saying it.

I’ll give you a real example from Rick and Diane’s process. About two months in, Diane started to feel that familiar frustration building. But instead of immediately going to Rick with her complaint, she paused. She got curious about what was happening in her body. Tight chest. Throat constricting. That old story playing: “He’ll never prioritize me.”

That pause—maybe thirty seconds—changed everything. Because when she did approach Rick, she wasn’t coming from that activated, desperate place. She was coming from a more grounded space. And Rick could feel the difference. His nervous system didn’t immediately interpret her as a threat.

What’s Really Happening When You Bicker

Most couples think they’re arguing about dishes, money, sex, parenting, or time. And sure, those are the topics. But here’s what’s actually happening underneath:

You’re each trying to protect yourself from feeling something that feels unbearable. For Rick, it was feeling like a failure. For Diane, it was feeling invisible and unimportant. Every bickering match was both of them trying to avoid those core feelings while simultaneously triggering exactly those feelings in each other.

This is the part that most people find hard to accept: when you’re judging your partner, you’re revealing more about your own pain than about their behavior.

When Diane judged Rick as “caring more about work than me,” she was really saying: “I’m terrified I don’t matter.” When Rick judged Diane as “never satisfied,” he was really saying: “I’m terrified I’m not enough.”

But you can’t hear that nuance when you’re moving at argument speed. You’re just defending, attacking, or shutting down.

Why Disconnection Feels Easier (And Why That’s the Trap)

Rick and Diane had developed what a lot of couples develop: conflict fatigue. They’d had so many unrewarding conversations that just talking about emotional stuff felt pointless. So they’d disconnect. Live parallel lives. Be polite roommates who occasionally had sex out of obligation.

And honestly? For a while, that feels better than the constant fighting. It’s quieter. Less chaotic. You can convince yourself you’re being “mature” by not bringing things up.

But here’s the problem: disconnection doesn’t heal anything. It just postpones the pain. And while you’re disconnected, resentment builds. Distance grows. And the gap between you becomes harder and harder to bridge.

I see couples who’ve been disconnected for so long that they’ve forgotten they ever felt connected. They look at each other across my office like strangers, both thinking: “Is it even worth trying?”

The answer is usually yes. But not by doing more of what hasn’t worked.

The Real Answer Isn’t What You Think

Rick and Diane didn’t save their relationship by learning better communication techniques. They saved it by learning to slow down their nervous systems first.

We worked on what I call the Stop Technique—though that’s somewhat of a misnomer because it’s not really about stopping. It’s about creating space between stimulus and response. It’s about noticing what’s happening in your body before you react to your partner.

Sounds simple, right? It’s not. Or rather, it’s simple but not easy.

Because slowing down feels counterintuitive when you’re upset. Your body wants to react NOW. Your brain is screaming: “Defend yourself! Make them understand! Fix this immediately!”

But that urgency is exactly what keeps you stuck.

Rick and Diane practiced—and I mean actually practiced, like homework—slowing down their reactivity. At first for just a few minutes a day. Not when they were in the middle of an argument (that’s too hard). But in calm moments, practicing noticing their internal state. Practicing getting curious about their own reactions before trying to manage their partner’s behavior.

Here’s what started to shift: when Diane felt that familiar frustration building, she could recognize it earlier. She could feel her body tensing up, notice that old story starting to play. And instead of immediately bringing it to Rick from that activated place, she could take a few breaths. Get grounded. Figure out what she actually needed instead of just what she was mad about.

Same with Rick. When Diane brought something up, he could notice his defensiveness rising before it took over completely. He could feel his chest tightening, hear that voice saying “You’re not enough.” And instead of immediately defending himself, he could pause. Just for a moment. Long enough to remember: “Her pain isn’t proof of my failure.”

What Changed (And What Didn’t)

Here’s what didn’t change: Rick still worked a lot. Diane still wanted more connection. Their circumstances stayed pretty much the same.

Here’s what did change: how they were with each other in those circumstances.

Rick didn’t suddenly start working 20 fewer hours a week. But when he was with Diane, he was actually with her. Not halfway out the door mentally. Not defending his choices. Just present.

Diane didn’t lower her standards or decide she was asking for too much. But she stopped approaching Rick from that desperate, activated place that made him immediately defensive. She learned to ask for what she needed from a grounded place, which made it about a thousand times easier for Rick to actually hear her.

And the bickering? Pretty much stopped. Not because they never disagreed, but because when they did, they could slow down enough to actually work through it instead of just reacting to each other.

Why This Works When Everything Else Hasn’t

After working with couples for decades, I can tell you: the ones who make it aren’t the ones who never fight or disagree. They’re the ones who learn to regulate themselves first before trying to regulate each other.

Most relationship advice puts the cart before the horse. It tells you to validate your partner’s feelings, use “I” statements, really listen, show empathy. All good things. But impossible to do when your nervous system is flooded.

You have to slow down first. Get your own nervous system settled. Only then can you access the parts of your brain that can be curious, empathetic, and flexible.

This isn’t about becoming some enlightened being who never gets triggered. Rick and Diane still get activated sometimes. I still get activated with my own partner. We’re human. But the difference is in what you do with that activation. Do you let it drive the bus? Or do you notice it, acknowledge it, and choose to respond from a more grounded place?

That’s the skill. And it’s a skill anyone can learn, even if you’ve been stuck in the bicker-escalate-disconnect pattern for years.

What Actually Reconnects You (Without More Talking)

Here’s something that surprises people: the best reconnection often happens without words.

When Rick and Diane were both activated, talking made things worse. Every word was just more ammunition. But when they’d slow down together—maybe just sit quietly for a few minutes, or take a walk without trying to solve anything, or even just breathe in the same room—their nervous systems would start to sync up again.

You can reconnect through presence before you can reconnect through words. Your body knows this even if your mind doesn’t trust it yet.

Some of the most powerful sessions with Rick and Diane involved very little talking. They’d practice just being in the same space, noticing their own reactions, breathing, settling. Not trying to fix anything. Not explaining or defending. Just… being.

That probably sounds too simple to work. But simple doesn’t mean ineffective.

Moving Forward (Without the Usual Bullshit About “Communication”)

If you’re stuck in the bicker-escalate-disconnect pattern, you probably don’t need another article telling you to “really listen” or “use active listening techniques.” You need permission to stop trying to communicate your way out of a dysregulated nervous system.

You need to learn to slow down first. To notice what’s happening in your body before you react to your partner. To get curious about your own pain instead of just managing your partner’s behavior.

This isn’t about becoming perfect at self-regulation. It’s about getting just good enough at it that you can interrupt the old patterns before they completely take over.

Rick and Diane aren’t perfect at this. They still slip into old patterns sometimes. But now they can catch themselves earlier. They can notice when they’re speeding up and choose to slow down instead. And that makes all the difference.

Your relationship can feel good again. But probably not by doing more of what hasn’t worked. Not by talking more, solving more, or explaining more. By slowing down first, then connecting from that more grounded place.

That’s where the real work is. And it takes less time than you think—but maybe more awareness than you’re used to bringing to your daily interactions.

Todd Creager has worked with couples navigating infidelity, trauma, and disconnection for over two decades. He specializes in somatic and body-centered approaches that address the nervous system patterns underlying relationship struggles. His work focuses on helping couples move beyond reactive communication patterns to create genuine connection and safety.

What if your next argument could bring you closer instead of driving you apart?


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