Forgiveness after betrayal isn’t required, but it can set you free.

It’s about you, not them. Whether you stay or go, you have to feel the pain before you can release it. And forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting—it means choosing to stop letting their betrayal control your life.

But here’s what most people miss: There’s a protective part of you that doesn’t want to forgive, and that part is trying to save you from more pain. You need to thank that part, then decide if your partner is actually safe enough to open your heart to again.

So today I want to talk to you about another part of healing from infidelity and that is how does a betrayed person forgive? It’s not easy. A number of people tell me that were betrayed say “how do I have to forgive my partner?” It does seem like a monumental task when you’ve been so hurt and so tossed around, disoriented at first and been so dishonored by your partner’s secrets.

How do you forgive? I’m not here to tell you you ever have to forgive. You don’t have to. That is totally up to you. I do think that if you can forgive, it makes you feel better because forgiveness is really about the person forgiving. It really helps the person forgiving more than the person who is forgiven.

Maybe the person forgiven gets some benefits from that, but it’s really the person who forgives because you let go of the hurt and the pain and the anger and the protection. I would say there’s two situations that both might warrant forgiveness. One is if you stay with the person and one if you don’t.

When You Don’t Stay With Your Partner

If you don’t stay with the person, maybe forgiveness is a different path.

If you decide not to stay with that person, then your partner is not someone that you have to practice trusting anymore because you don’t have that investment into that person. And now forgiveness is really more about putting the past in the past and practicing letting go of any pain.

Why should I waste my energy on somebody who hurt me who I’m not with?

I want to pull my energy back for me, for living. I don’t want to put my energy on hating another person or holding contempt for the other person. I want to let that go so I have more energy for life.

You want to learn from it.

What did I learn? Were there yellow flags or red flags that I missed? Not to beat myself up, but what can I learn from it? Can I take something positive out of this negative?

And you ask yourself—we all have to go through this—you can’t let go of pain that you don’t feel.

You got to feel first.

So you’re going to go through all the experiences of feeling about this person who betrayed you that you are now not with. You go through the feelings and you feel them and then you begin to choose to let go and say I’m not going to let this person who hurt me deprive me of being fully alive again.

What we want you to do is be open to at least the option of another relationship and not make that experience generalized to “now I’m distrusting.”

That’s an unfortunate thing because you don’t want to generalize that because there are very trustworthy people out there and there are very untrustworthy people out there and you don’t want to treat everyone like they’re going to hurt you.

The more you forgive after infidelity, the more you open your heart to future new relationships, especially an intimate relationship.

I want you to be motivated to forgive.

And again, forgive doesn’t mean, especially in this case, that you spend more time with that person because you’ve left that person. It means that you’ve let go of the pain.

You’ll feel it and then—it’s like a tight fist and then you just let it go.

I’m not saying it’s simple. Maybe you do that a thousand times, but you start to enjoy the feeling of being open again and being motivated to do that. Look for ways that you have taken false responsibility for what happened. Know that we’re all human.

Nobody’s perfect.

We all have flaws, and you still no matter what didn’t deserve to be cheated on. So forgive yourself in a way for that because sometimes people blame themselves.

Make sure you forgive yourself while you’re practicing forgiving the person who betrayed you.

When You Stay With Your Partner

Now let me spend the rest of my time on how do you forgive a partner who you’re staying with. A lot of people stay but they have a very hard time forgiving.

I did a recent video on what does it look like when a person, a partner who betrayed you is now safe. How do you know when that person’s safe? What does it look like?

In a sentence or two, I’ll say it looks like that person is learning to receive you, depend on you, be open to you, communicate more with you, share their feelings, be interested in yours.

The person who betrayed is learning to receive and learning to open and also is aware of the part of them—what that part or parts were about that did betray—and they’re really working on it.

So let’s say you have a case where the person is not working on it. They just want things to be better. “Just get over it.” That person, that betrayer is not any safer.

And I wouldn’t encourage you to forgive because forgiveness when you’re with that person really opens you up to that person. And that person is not safe to be opened with. So in that case, you don’t forgive or you leave.

But in the case where you find that your partner has been doing the work—maybe been in their own therapy, maybe come to couples therapy, maybe sharing with you, being open with you.

There’s no hiddenness.

You know their passwords. They’re not trying to hide anything from you. Their social media habits have changed where you feel more secure and they’re doing all those things, but you’re still having a hard time to forgive. What do you do then?

What I say to my clients who have been betrayed, who are now in a position where their partner is showing good signs: First of all, understand why you’re not forgiving.

Understand that part of you that’s trying to protect you. That was a devastating pain and you don’t want to go through it again.

So recognize that there’s a protective part of you that doesn’t want to forgive. That part of you does not want to go through that hurt.

What you need to do to forgive after infidelity is talk to that part that is having a hard time forgiving and say, “Thank you for protecting me, but I don’t need you to work so hard at protecting me.

I’m using my own eyes and ears and nose and intuition.

And I see that my partner has shifted and I am going to open my heart and I’m going to forgive my partner for what he did or she did.”

Understanding What’s Behind the Betrayal

Now it’s very important for you to understand that infidelity is a symptom. It’s not a core issue.

It’s a symptom of a core issue or several core issues. You need to be understanding of what was behind him or her cheating.

What was that all about?

And has my partner learned better ways to regulate themselves both by themselves and also with me? I need to see that and understand and really buy into that.

When we start to heal the core issues, the symptoms from before are not needed anymore.

They don’t need to cheat to feel okay.

That person has other means to do it and they also do that with you.

So when you see that and you understand that and you really buy into it—I’m not going to look at my partner as a cheater. I look at my partner as someone who cheated because they didn’t have developed skills and resources to regulate.

It’s not an excuse, but it sure is a reason. And when you understand that and that person is doing a better job of that, then you could say I understand, I have some wisdom here. Yes, I have to grieve the simple innocence of not being cheated on. Yes, I have to grieve that relationship is gone. But in this place, we can have a more complex, deeper relationship that incorporates the shadow.

This person understands his or her shadow—meaning the part that didn’t have their act together, that wasn’t good at regulating in a way that honored you as a partner, but now they are.

So you let that part of you that didn’t want to forgive after infidelity know that “hey I hear you.

You’re trying to help me but I deserve a full relationship. I am dropping the pain of it. I see him as safe or her as safe and with good reason.”

Living in the World of Probability

I can’t expect certainty but I’m going to live my life in the world of probability. And this seems very highly probable that this won’t happen again. So I’m going to live my life as if it won’t.

Forgiveness means when you’re with that partner—I haven’t left that partner—that I’m living with that partner as if I am safe because I decide I’m safe because that partner has given me enough reason to realize I am highly likely safe. Highly likely, very highly likely safe, hopefully. So I go with it.

I forgive and I don’t live my life saying I’m going to make sure there’s a 100% chance I’m never hurt again. You got to give that up and know that it’s slightly greater than 0% you live with, but you don’t let that stop you from being a full giver and receiver of love. Give yourself permission to forgive with you reassuring that part of you “I got this. You don’t have to hold me back. There are positive signs.”

The Process of Being Able to Forgive After Infidelity

Hopefully that helps. It’s something that isn’t an event. It’s probably a process.

There are times you need someone like myself to help you through it. But definitely, hopefully you take some of these things I’m saying and give yourself permission to soften the wall, loosen the ties, and be open to have the love you deserve.

Remember, you can’t let go of pain that you don’t feel. You got to feel first. It’s like a tight fist and then you just let it go. Maybe you do that a thousand times, but you start to enjoy the feeling of being open again.

Whether you stay or go, forgiveness is about pulling your energy back for living instead of wasting it on someone who hurt you. It’s about not letting this person who hurt you deprive you of being fully alive again.

Thanks for listening. This is Todd Creager making the world safe for love.

Key Takeaways for Your Healing Journey:

You don’t have to forgive – it’s entirely your choice

Feel the pain first – you can’t release what you haven’t felt

Being able to forgive after infidelity serves you – not the person who hurt you

Safety matters – only forgive a partner who’s doing the real work

It’s a process – not a one-time event

Live in probability – not certainty

Thank your protective parts – they’re trying to keep you safe

Whether you choose to forgive after infidelity or not, whether you stay or go, give yourself permission to have the love you deserve.