“We haven’t been intimate in over a year, and I don’t know how to bring it up.” I hear a version of this often, usually said quietly, with real shame attached. I’m Todd Creager, and I want you to know first: this is far more common than couples in this situation realize, and it’s genuinely fixable.

How Marriages Actually Become Sexless

It’s almost never one decision. A stressful season, a health issue, a new baby, a resentment that never got resolved — physical intimacy quietly stops, and then the longer it stops, the harder it becomes to restart, because now there’s the awkwardness of the gap itself on top of whatever caused it.

Both partners often avoid raising it, for different reasons — fear of rejection, fear of pressuring, fear of an uncomfortable conversation about something that already feels loaded with shame. That avoidance is usually what turns a temporary dry spell into a long-term pattern.

What most couples don’t realize: the original cause is often no longer the main obstacle by the time they seek help. The bigger obstacle has become the awkwardness and shame that built up around the silence itself.

Why Shame Keeps Couples Stuck Longer Than the Original Problem

Couples in a sexless marriage often feel a private sense of failure — like this reflects badly on them, their attractiveness, or their relationship. That shame makes the topic even harder to raise, which extends the silence, which deepens the shame. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle.

I want to be direct about this: a sexless period doesn’t mean your marriage is broken, and it doesn’t mean either of you is inadequate. It means something needs attention, the same as any other pattern that’s drifted off course.

Couples who make progress fastest are the ones who can name the situation without immediately catastrophizing it — “we’ve drifted here, and I want to find our way back” rather than “what’s wrong with us.”

How to Actually Rebuild From Here

Start with non-sexual affection, without an agenda — a hand held, time spent close together, physical warmth that isn’t a lead-up to anything. This rebuilds the sense of safety that a full sex life depends on, without adding pressure.

Have one honest, low-pressure conversation about the gap itself — not to assign blame, but to name it together and understand what each of you has been feeling. Often, both partners have been quietly assuming the other doesn’t want to talk about it.

If it’s been a long time, or if shame or resentment feels significant, professional support helps far more than trying to push through alone. This is one of the areas where couples therapy makes a genuinely faster difference than waiting for it to resolve on its own.

What to Do Next

If your marriage has become sexless, here’s where to start:

• Reintroduce non-sexual touch this week — no agenda, just physical warmth.
• Choose a low-pressure moment to name the gap together, without blame.
• Notice whether shame, more than the original cause, is what’s keeping the silence going.
• If it’s been a long time, consider professional support rather than waiting longer.

Your first step: one moment of affectionate, no-agenda touch today.

A sexless season isn’t the end of the story — for most couples willing to address it directly, it’s genuinely reversible. I offer sex and relationship therapy in my Huntington Beach office and virtually, anywhere. Book a free consultation. For the fuller picture on rebuilding intimacy, my complete guide walks through what else helps.

For practical, gentle ways to reconnect physically at your own pace, my guide can help.