Alternatives to Infidelity - Healthy Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

Alternatives to Infidelity – Healthy Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

By | Commitment, Communication, Infidelity, Intimacy, Relationships | No Comments

In my last blog, I talked about another way to think about infidelity- Infidelity is a way to regulate our emotions.  Down regulating consists of managing hyperarousal, stress and anxiety. Up-regulating consists of arousing or enlivening ourselves when we feel bored or empty.  I would recommend reading that article before continuing to read this one if you have not read it already.  I am not saying that if you do what I write below- infidelity issues will cease; it is…

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Why People Cheat- Another Look at Infidelity

Why People Cheat- Another Look at Infidelity

By | Commitment, Communication, Family Relationships, Infidelity, Intimacy, Long Hot Marriage | No Comments

As a professor and psychotherapist, I have learned some things about early childhood development.  Infants and young children do not have the brain apparatus to regulate their emotions so they utilize their caretaker’s brains basically to do the regulation.  For example, the attuned mother can calm an anxious baby with touch or food or changing a wet diaper.  This is called down-regulation meaning that the mother in these examples helps the child go from a more stressed, inflamed state to…

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Why infidelity is a lonely place to be

By | Infidelity, Intimacy | No Comments

In this video I share why infidelity is a lonely place to be.  You'll find out why loneliness causes infidelity and a disconnection with your partner. We live in a very image conscious society so many of us often hold back parts of ourselves because we're afraid to share our authentic self It's a double edge sword...you feel like you can't share all sides of yourself so you disconnect from your relationship.  You commit infidelity and you end up feeling...

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surviving marital affairs and intimacy issues

Interview: Overcoming a marital affair and intimacy issues

By | Infidelity, Intimacy, Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems, Relationships, Romance, Sex | No Comments

I was recently interviewed by The Child Law Help Center about how to build an improved relationship after a marital affair and/or intimacy issues. In it I discuss the two main reasons why couples contact me for help: Lack of intimacy in the relationship Infidelity You'll want to check out the entire article to see what I have to say about the factors leading up to both situations, and my opinion on whether or not I think the relationship can...

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Couple happy after surviving infidelity

Case Study: Keys to Surviving Infidelity Successfully

By | Infidelity, Marital Advice, Marital Problems, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems | 2 Comments

In this case study I share one of my favorite surviving infidelity success stories. I touch on 2 very important points that are needed to surviving infidelity successfully: 1.  Showing compassion to the injured partner 2.  Uncovering why the infidelity happened. Understanding that the person committing the infidelity isn't a bad person and uncovering the issues behind the infidelity is a major factor and to help prevent affairs from happening again. Both are important factors that help me to have...

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Case Study: How EMDR Healed Childhood Trauma

By | EMDR, Healing from Sexual Trauma, Infidelity, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems | No Comments

Trauma of any nature is a very touchy subject and not one that many therapists speak publicly about. In this short video I am sharing with you how EMDR healed childhood trauma and gave this couple needed help to repair their relationship. It's a big issue according to the Journal of Traumatic Stress.  According to a study in North Carolina 68% of children and adolescents experienced at least one potentially traumatic event by the age of 16.  So I feel...

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I Just Found Out My Partner is Having an Affair

I Just Found Out My Partner is Having an Affair!

By | Communication, Infidelity, Marital Problems, Relationships | No Comments

How Much Do I Need to Know? This is a very important and challenging question for people who are betrayed.  The betrayed spouse is usually blindsided, confused and devastated.  The question- “Who is this person I am supposedly committed to?” is both understandable and painful.   How much detail should the betrayed person know? Most of my clients who have discovered infidelity want to know everything.  There is such a feeling of vulnerability that knowing everything would seemingly be a way…

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Five Keys to Restoring Trust After Infidelity

Five Keys to Restoring Trust After Infidelity

By | Commitment, Communication, Infidelity, Marital Advice, Marriage Advice, Relationships, Sex | No Comments

1)   Get therapy with a reputable expert in infidelity and discover the factors (not excuses) that led to the affair so that alternative healthier solutions can be practiced. 2)   Look for behavioral change  (depending on whatever was discovered as to what was behind the secretive actions) in the relationship that lets you know that something different is truly happening and that there is reason to take a chance on your partner again. 3)   Whenever there is a “risky” situation such as…

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If You Want to Cheat, Just Tell Your Partner First!

If You Want to Cheat, Just Tell Your Partner First!

By | Commitment, Communication, Infidelity, Long Hot Marriage, Marital Problems, Marriage, Relationships, Sex | No Comments

A True Story Let me tell you about a couple who saw me for relationship issues but avoided the more damaging issue of infidelity.  This is their (abridged) story. They had their second child and the kids were less than 2 years apart.  The husband was frustrated with the lack of sex and intimacy.  She was exhausted a lot and the last thing on her mind was having sexual pleasure.  She just needed to get through another day.  They both…

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Infidelity is an Interpersonal Crime!

Infidelity is an Interpersonal Crime!

By | Commitment, Communication, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marital Advice, Marital Problems, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems, Relationships, Sex, Toxic Relationships | 3 Comments

One of the more common things I do is help couples who have experienced infidelity survive and even thrive.  As I have said before, the great majority of these couples are successful in treatment.  However, I am clear on one thing- cheating and all the secrecy and deception that goes with it steals from the betrayed partner.  It steals a very important right- the right to have information in order to make a good decision.  You cannot make a good…

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