I have been seeing troubled couples for over 27 years and a large percentage of these troubled couples are trying to work through and heal from infidelity.  Some of these infidelity cases consist of one night stands or very quick affairs; some have gone on for years.  The betrayed spouse is devastated no matter how long it has gone on for.  However, I have found that when there has been a longer term affair such as in Tiger Wood’s case, it is even more devastating and even more so if the betrayed spouse is the wife.   She usually starts out in absolute shock.  She feels like the “rug has been pulled from under her.”   I often hear, “Who is this man I married?  I thought I knew him but I don’t.”  The wife is disoriented and confused; she feels like a fool and blames herself for not knowing what was going on.  If some of the stories we are hearing are true, Elin, Tiger’s wife, was in a state of rage.  This also is very common; some women will respond this way because of the intense loss they are going though- loss of the way things were or at least the way they thought things were.  I had a respected professor in graduate school who was married.  I was told that they were a lovely couple who loved each other very much.  His wife was a dedicated, loyal wife and known as a very kind person   However, he had an affair with one of his graduate students.     She found out about the affair and the next day, came into his office at the school and shot him dead in the forehead.  She got off on “temporary insanity.”  I am not condoning this sort of action, but I am making a point of just how devastating and life changing it is in the earliest stages of discovering infidelity.  Other women may respond by getting more inward and depressed.

Once the woman gets through her initial shock and disorientation and the reality sets in, she experiences the extreme hurt and anger of betrayal.  Women tend to talk to other family members and close friends about the experience.  The betrayed spouse then has a decision to make.  Do I want to consider working with my husband to get over this affair or am I done with the marriage?  Trust is a big issue of course and the wife does not want to feel like a fool one more time!  Of course, when couples who have experienced unfaithfulness come to see me, a majority of the betrayed spouses are at least contemplating working on the marriage.   By the time they see me, there is still a lot of rage and ambivalence about staying in the relationship.

The unfaithful man who has been found out is going through his own hell as well.  Firstly, he feels panic.  He has been literally and metaphorically “caught with his pants down,” and he is terrified that his life as he knew it is crumbling apart.  He is not ready for his marriage to dissolve and yet understands that his wife has every right to leave him.  His relationship with the other woman (or women) is now changed forever.   Now that the secret is out, that relationship will never be the same either.    A typical reaction from him at this stage is to minimize the affair.  “She doesn’t mean anything to me.”  It would have ended whether you found out or not.”   “We never had intercourse.”

He is feeling tremendous shame and embarrassment.    Now that the secret is out and the damage is done, he has to face the fallout from what he has done.   Even though he was aware of what he was doing before, his denial is broken though and he is forced to face the part of him that he is not proud of.  Adding to his embarrassment, his wife has gotten support by telling close family members and friends.

In the case of Tiger Woods, the whole world knows his past secret.  I would imagine his sense of shame and embarrassment is overwhelming.   I remember Kobe Bryant’s face in his first public appearance after his affair was discovered.  The best way I could describe it is that he was absolutely covered with layers of shame that could be seen in his strained facial muscles and in his eyes.

What’s a couple to do in this situation?

The husband has to decide that he is done with the affair(s) and has the intention of being monogamous with his wife.  The wife has to decide that she (at least for now) is not ready to break up the marriage.  If they do not both decide this, they need to plan for the marriage to be over.  If they do decide to work on the marriage, it is important to get some therapeutic help from an experienced and skilled marriage counselor.

The couple has to spend time listening to each other.  The husband has to accept his wife’s rage, distrust, and seemingly endless questions.  She has a right to know whatever she needs to know.  Likewise, when the wife is ready, she needs to listen to her husband’s feelings as well.  It is easy to label the adulterer as “bad” or “evil,”-convenient labels but not really reflective of the deeper truths.  People do things for some reason and the intention is rarely evil.  Here again, I am not condoning or making excuses for the person who had the affair.  I am only saying that is important to understand what he was getting out of it, what were the factors that drew him to those choices so that he could learn how to handle his feelings and impulses more maturely.

Taking that last statement into more detail, it is important for the reader to understand my philosophy on couples and couples problems including infidelity.  I believe that we are still quite early in our emotional development regarding intimate relationships.  Maturity involves developing aspects of ourselves such as:

1)      increased listening skills

2)      empathy skills

3)      self soothing when we don’t get our way

4)      expressing pain and desires to our mate in a loving way

5)      becoming interested in how we contribute to marital problems and not blame our mate

So, back to the question- what’s a couple to do in this situation?  The couple needs to GROW UP!  That is not a judgment; it’s what is necessary so that they can develop the kind of relationship that not only is at less risk for another affair but a more connected and satisfying relationship.  This kind of relationship can only happen when both partners are willing to do the work needed to improve in the 5 ways I just listed.   If the partner who had the affair is not willing to engage in this process fully, he would still be considered a bad risk.  So, instead of getting paranoid, checking the cell phone, e-mail, etc., it is far more efficient to engage in this maturing process and see if the adulterer is willing to develop healthier patterns with you.  The good news is that in my 27 years of working with couples, I cannot recall a repeated infidelity when the couple became fully involved in this process.  I have the couples I work with commit to a minimum of 10 minutes every day to communicate and get to know each other more deeply.  During those 10 minutes (or more), they can:

1)      Communicate feelings about the affair (This has to be done in a mature healthy way) see- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omIEN3TKx5I

2)      Communicate feelings about other aspects of their marriage and personal lives.

3)      Become curious about the partner.  Get to know each other in ways they may not have before.  Ask open ended questions.  I always tell my client couples, “Don’t think you know your partner as well as you think you do.”

4)      Touch each other gently and softly without necessarily leading to orgasms.

5)      Discuss what might turn each other on sexually.

In my work, I have seen many couples heal from infidelity.  Often, their relationships are far deeper and stronger than they were before the affair.  This is due to the attention they started to pay to each other and of course the 10 minutes a day (minimum) of intimate relating.  I am not sure how the story of Tiger and Elin is going to end.  Every couple is different.  The good news is that there are steps each partner could take to diminish the risk of repeated infidelities and to have a more mature and mutually satisfying relationship.