In this article, I’m discussing why it is important to grow up as it is the only way of healing from infidelity to be successful.   We are here to grow up.  It is the only way to have a long, passionate and trusting marriage.  

What does growing up mean?  

Think about how you feel when you get into an argument with your partner or anyone for that matter.   How old do you feel in the heat of the moment? If you are honest with yourself, you probably feel far younger than your actual age.

Now, think about how you feel when you are in a situation where you are feeling in control, confident and successful.  How old do you feel then? Do you notice a difference? In the second situation, you probably feel closer to your adult age.

When people decide to have a secret from their partner, they are hiding.  

This immediately creates a child ego state.   A person who hides is going to feel on some level (in most cases) like a bad boy or bad girl.  Also, if you have read some of my articles or watched some of my videos on this topic, people who cheat are trying to solve some emotional issue or problem.  

What I am focusing on in this article is that the cheater’s “solution” of committing infidelity to whatever the problem is-is coming from the child self.  It is a self-absorbed, not-thinking-of-my-partner self. This does not make the cheater bad or evil, it just shows his or her immaturity. The adult self thinks of him or herself AND the other person.

Once a couple discovers what the “message of infidelity” was (i.e.- an expression of one’s loneliness, acting out anger, looking for affirmation of some kind, etc.), both partners will eventually need to decide to grow each other up.  The couple does not HAVE to decide this but if they want to heal and eventually thrive, they need to decide to grow each other up. What that means in simple terms is that each partner sees the other as needing to develop his or her respective adult selves.  

This is what developing each other’s adult selves looks like:

1. They take turns communicating and show the capacity to handle their feelings while listening to their partners.
2. The person who cheated demonstrates patience when it comes to the grief and healing process that the betrayed partner is going through.
3. The betrayed partner can feel his or her own anger, hatred, fear, disappointment, etc. and still be able to see that the partner who cheated as basically “good.”  This one who betrayed is not branded as a cheater (noun). Instead, the one who betrayed cheated (verb).
4. the couple develops the emotional strength to make their connection even stronger than their pain.  I make this very specific in my office. I ask each partner to stay connected via eye contact, touch, open body language and words that connect as opposed to disconnecting.  Words that connect include sharing the feelings and wants they experience as opposed to name-calling, venting or closing down.

A couple who makes it their intention to grow up will either heal from their infidelity and thrive, or heal from the infidelity and break up, but as adult selves rather than breaking up from the child ego state.  

Adult selves break up because despite the work they have done; one or both still choose to move on.  These adults who break up are already in a better position to thrive in their next relationship.

Child selves break up to avoid or get rid of their emotional pain.  

They are not in a better position to thrive in their next relationship. In my clinical experience, the great majority of couples who do this developmental work choose to stay together, but the choice is always there to stay together or to move on.

Please feel free to comment on this blog I’d love to answer your questions and hear your feedback.

I encourage you to check out my product to help you with healing from infidelity, and I am always here to help you either in my office or via computer.