You have much influence on what you evoke in your partner. I am not saying that you are responsible for your partner’s behavior. He is responsible for his behavior and you are responsible for yours. We all have the power to choose how to respond to a certain situation. Having said that, you cannot discount the affect your behavior has on your partner. If you say things in a harsh way, you will probably get defensiveness or fighting back. If you say things in an accepting, kind way, you will probably get a more positive response.
Many couples come to me in a total state of reactivity. Each is reacting to the other person’s reaction which in turn is a reaction to another reaction. And the beat goes on and on and on and on. Until one of the partners wakes up to the realization that he has got to think differently. He realizes that if he perceives his wife as a “nag” for example, he will treat her in a way that will probably make her act worse towards him. However, if he perceives her as a person who is frustrated or hurt or deprived or overwhelmed, he may be apt to be more compassionate and helpful. If he treats her with more compassion, there is a better chance that she will treat him significantly better than before.
Do an experiment. See her in the best possible light. Remember those times when you did feel in love with her and treat her as if you feel that way right now. You just may actually fall in love with her all over again! Yes, that is the way it works. If you want to fall in love with your partner, treat her as if you are in love with her and- voila- she may just stop being that nag and suddenly become your princess.
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