August 12, 2018 – our 34th wedding anniversary. It is time to celebrate- but not so fast. Because that was also the day that we drove our 22 year old recent college graduate daughter to LAX to move to NY for at least 11 months and possibly a lot longer. We are very close to both of our daughters. We are happy they are finding their way and following their path. However, if it were up to us, we would not want our 22 year old to be 3000 miles away for who knows how long.
How do we deal with these transitions? What are the best ways for a couple to stay connected and attuned to each other through the inevitable changes and losses of life? Just like our wedding anniversary this year- there are stories of people having weddings and other major events when there has been a recent major loss. I know that my brother had his Bar Mitzvah recently after Grandma Tillie died, my mom’s mom and a dear and loving family member. How could you honor the feelings of loss and at the same time go on with the celebrations of life such as these?
It is not easy. It starts by accepting the complexities of life. Life can be messy. If we demand that life goes exactly our way, we find that this futile striving for control leads to more frustration and pain. Sometimes great and significant moments and events occur practically simultaneously with major losses. We need to make room for both kinds of experiences. Sadness and joy can go together.
The most important things for Cherie and I on our anniversary were to be loving to each other. I had more of an ability to compartmentalize my sadness and enjoy the day with my wife. My wife was experiencing the grief that at the time was far stronger than her readiness to celebrate our day. I wanted her to “do it like me.” That is human nature- we want people to handle things like we do. What I needed to do is to be that grownup that accepts that we are both different and handle things differently. I needed to stay attuned (in other words- listen and be present) to my wife’s intense sadness.
We planned to hike on our anniversary; why not- hiking is one of the things we love to do the most and we do it a lot. This time we picked a hike in LA since we already were there. We were in Pacific Palisades and did the Temescal Canyon Hike. We started out not talking; she was sad and I had to accept that this was not a typical joyful anniversary activity. However, we literally (but metaphorically works as well) put one foot in front of the other. By the time we reached the top (which was quite the sweaty challenge), she was in a better place. We hiked down and then enjoyed a great brunch at one of our favorite restaurants in Brentwood off Sunset Blvd.
I will be honest here- I was not perfectly wonderful the whole time. In the beginning, I sulked a bit; I was not getting my way. Then I decided- and believe me- that is all it is- a decision- to be a grown up and love my wife and my life AS IT IS. It was our anniversary and we just went through a loss. People have worst losses than this; but it was a loss nonetheless. Being a grownup involved meeting my wife where she was. As she felt my acceptance and presence, maybe it helped her move through it. We did end up experiencing celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary. It was great. And when we started talking about our daughter, we felt sad again. However, we were together on our wedding anniversary. And THAT was good enough!
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