I have been writing to you about the importance of being both Naughty and Nice in your intimate relationships and how both parts of these are important to your sex life.

I want to take this concept of you being multidimensional a little further.

The truth is that in an intimate relationship, all of your different aspects are likely to emerge at some point. These aspects include your capacity to love, your thoughtfulness, your competence and the other positive qualities that initially may have attracted your partner to you. However, once out of the so called honeymoon stage of your relationship, some not so wonderful aspects of yourself will reveal itself to your partner which includes:

• Self-centeredness
• Defensiveness
• Insecurities
• Defense mechanisms
• Passive aggressive behaviors
• Immature communication patterns (among others)

Yes, these parts of you will become apparent to your partner at some point. We can call the first category of traits the “good” and the second category of traits the “bad.” We will get to the “ugly” in a while even though some of you may think that some of the “bad” qualities are pretty ugly. We will reserve the “ugly” for another paragraph.

As far as the good goes, that is a real part of you; it is the part of you that can attract good things and good people into your life. These include your:

• Capacity to love
• Thoughtfulness,
• Competence
• And your many other positive qualities

All of these are real and they are an important and forever part of who you are. Enjoy that part of you and share that part of you. The more you do that, the better your life will be and the happier you will be. At the same time, though, the Bad is also a part of you. You can say that the “good” part of you is the more expansive part of you and the “bad” part of you is the part that contracts, that protects you from real and imagined fears, that forgets others in the service of trying to survive.

As time goes on, the Bad can take over the Good and each partner can forget the Good and act like it is not there in the other. Each partner can wish for the good old days where they treated each other better. However, all that has happened is the Bad has taken over the Good just like clouds in the sky cover up the ever present sun.

The only way out of this cover-up of the Good is to learn about the Bad; to acknowledge to yourself and own it and then acknowledge it to others including your intimate “other.” Embracing and accepting the Bad diminishes its power so that the clouds move away and once again the sun can be noticed, felt and enjoyed. I have couples change their judgment about the Bad in each of them and give them permission and guidelines in how to talk about these less than wonderful parts of themselves. As you reflect on the Bad and mention about these parts to your intimate partner (or someone else), the bad loses its hold on you and you’re free to creatively choose how to deal with this part of you. The bad can dissolve into the Good.

As far as the Ugly is concerned, it is that part of us that is the hardest to accept in ourselves or reveal to others. Some examples of this are:

• The gay person in the closet
• The sex addicted person who visits prostitutes
• The respected politician who has abused his wife
• The overachiever who is anorexic

These are examples of people who have areas of themselves that evoke shame. Like the Bad, as the person shines a light onto the Ugly for him and others to see, it loses some of its grip on your soul. These is something in all of us, even if it not any of the scenarios I listed, that we are ashamed of; that we consider an ugly part of ourselves. If you and I can embrace the Ugly in us, we will be more loving, more compassionate and a whole lot safer to be around.

I suggest to my clients to think about it this way- you are all of your parts including the Good, Bad and Ugly and a whole lot more. Your essence goes beyond and deeper than all those parts. Do not resist any of these parts of you and come to know yourself in a deeper and more human way.

The absolute best marriages I have witnessed are made up of partners who have faced, accepted and loved all aspects of themselves and their partner. This is what creates the miracle; “The Long, Hot Marriage.” I know it takes a lot of courage and a healthy dose of forgiveness to experience what this article is about. However, the spiritual, emotional and interpersonal rewards are profound when you do.

Here’s to getting the love you want!