Valentine’s Day– Florists and card store owners love the date, as well as jewelers and chocolate candy manufacturers. Is it a commercial rip-off or a wonderful reminder that we need to think of our partner? My answer is it is both. Do people really need to spend extra money on flowers, jewelry or chocolates? I would say no.
But I do think it is important to do something for your partner for February 14th to show you care. And also-February 15th, 16th, 17th, etc. and the same is true for every day of the year. It is not in our habits to do that and for most of us men, we probably would even forget about doing something for Valentine’s Day without the never-ending commercials on TV, radio, incoming e-mails and the internet that remind us of this important date. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that we need reminders to do things we typically do not do. I am going to get back to this idea about reminders below.
But first, today when I was doing the pre-interview for my TV taping for the Greg Mantell show, he asked me what I have been asked so many times before. He was talking about my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” and he said, “I understand the ‘long’ part, but is it really possible to have a long hot marriage? Most people don’t think so.” Here was and always will be my answer to that question. It is impossible to have a long, hot marriage if we do what our parents did. It is easy to slip into a mode of comfort and automation with our partners. Unlike the beginning of relationships where we automatically think of our partner because it is new, unfamiliar and exciting, as the relationship continues we need to make a conscious habit of thinking about our partner on a consistent basis.
Example:
I was working with a couple married 30 years, the last 27 of which was not very “hot” at all. They had settled into their routine through the years including raising kids. He would come home from work, eat a relatively silent dinner with his wife and get to the remote control of the TV. For variation, he would get on the computer and read sports news and events. I suggested to him that instead of going to the remote control that he put some music on and ask his wife to dance. His response to me was laughter as he said, “yeah, right.” He must have thought about it more later. The following session, the couple came in light and smiley. He had asked her to dance more than once that week. She (coincidentally, of course) suddenly had a renewed interest in making love to her husband and they had a pretty “hot” week.
For this couple, the day he asked her to dance was Valentine’s Day all over again. And it was free! He mentioned to me during the visit that he wasn’t “in the mood” to ask his wife to dance but he did it anyway. And then he became in the mood when he saw his wife’s positive reaction. That’s how it works sometimes in a long marriage. The difference then between a long marriage and a long, hot marriage is conscious thought and conscious effort.
So, how do we develop new habits instead of slip into the same behavioral groove as yesterday? Since we don’t always have Valentine’s Day reminders coming at us, we need to devise other ways to remind us. For men, I have had a lot of success with suggesting that they use their phone as an alert- a romantic alert. For example, in his “tasks” on his phone, he could write, “Send wife romantic text,” and set it for 11AM that day (or every day). I have had men write, “Communicate with partner” and set it for 7 PM in the evening. If this doesn’t work for you, think of other aids that could remind you of new positive behaviors that you never saw your parents do but that could enhance the relationship. These reminders can be very helpful.
So Happy Valentine’s Day to you. Be loving to yourself and your loved ones on that day and every day.
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