You meet someone and you fall in love.  You and I both know it takes no effort to “fall.”  Then you fall out of love which again takes no effort at all.  As a matter of fact, it is inevitable for most couples to “fall out of love,” at some point, meaning that at some point this person who once was everything to you is now someone with whom you have ambivalence.

“Is this the right person? Did I make a mistake?  Is there someone better out there for me?”

These are normal questions for human beings who desire it all but are married to finite, limited human beings.   We both see and project wonderful qualities onto our mate early on.  As time goes on, we see the “shadow side” of our partner.

However, if you want to have a long term relationship that works, you need to accept the effort it takes.  Is there anything that you have succeeded in your life that did not require some effort?

I was fortunate enough to get on the Fox 5 San Diego Morning News Show last week.  I was the relationship expert and the segment was titled- “Should You Treat Your Spouse Like You Treat Your Dog?” I had a great time with it and just as important, I was able to get a message out to many people.

The anchorwoman who interviewed me was very funny and brought her dog on the set so the three of us were on TV together.  We talked about how people love their dogs unconditionally throughout their lives and yet, after the honeymoon period ends, we judge our partners and have many conditions in order to show love to our spouse.  Also, we pet our dogs throughout their life; yet many partners start out touching their partners but as time goes on, loving touch wanes.    It comes automatically to us to unconditionally love our dogs and pet our dogs.  Why is it not the same with our mates?

Our mates “push our buttons,” evoke negative feelings, and we have the impulse to fight or flight.  When we continue to let our feelings run us and our behavior, we disconnect from our partner little by little.  After a while, many couples give very little attention to each other.  They may get together once in a while and have sex but they are not feeling close to each other.  And often the sex frequency decreases as well.

Here are the two KEYS to creating a joyful, loving relationship:

1)      Get conscious! Become aware of your automatic feelings toward your spouse and your automatic behaviors toward your spouse.  Even become aware of your automatic ways you perceive your partner.

2)      Choose a different thought and/or behavior. Love even when you don’t want to.  Remember something wonderful about your mate.  Reach out and touch him or her even if you are ambivalent about it.  Don’t wait to be “in the mood.”  You may have the luxury to act the way you feel with your dog but you don’t have the luxury to act the way you feel with your spouse all the time.

Sometimes you actually have to act contrary to your feeling.  If you are angry, of course you can express your anger (constructively).  But, you can also feel your anger and be “more than your anger” and act loving.  This can stop the typical downward spiral of- I’m angry so I will react to you which will make you angry and react to me which will make me angrier and on and on.

There is no need to wait for your partner to make a positive move first.  You could become the one to be conscious.  You can be the one to choose your behavior as opposed to react to an internal feeling state.  You can be the one to act and speak in ways so that you get more of what you want from your partner.  This takes developing the emotional muscle I talk so much about.  It takes effort but the rewards are real, tangible and significant.

What are some techniques you use with your partner to maintain your relationships “Puppy Love”? Leave a comment below or tweet @toddcreager!