My oldest daughter is finishing out her senior year in high school.  She did very well academically, scored high on the SAT’s and did dancing as well as other activities for her extracurricular activities.  Given all that, she got into many colleges and had the great problem of having to choose which great learning institution she would be attending over the next four years.  It was a very difficult choice for her; public vs. private; smaller vs. larger; a place geographically closer to her boyfriend vs. a place close to home in an area she loved to be in; the one that had the better dance department vs. the one that had the better cognitive sciences department.  I have not listed all the variables but as you can see, there was a lot to look at and think about.   With a week to go before the final deadline, she was down to three schools.  Two days later, it was down to two schools.  With a day to go before the final weekend of having to make up her mind, she was still down to two schools!  She had to make a commitment.

My wife and I kept saying to go to her heart; that she had collected all the information her wonderful mind could handle about the schools and now she needed to take that leap.  Taking the leap required giving something up; in this case either go to a larger school that was in an area where she would love to be and had a lot of exciting possibilities or go to a smaller school with smaller classes, more personal attention and in the same city as her boyfriend.  She made her decision at the midnight hour: go to the school in the area she preferred with many exciting possibilities.

Benefits of Commitment

She had to give something up to get what she wanted.  That is what commitment is about.  We all have a variety of “wants” that often conflict with each other.  We need to decide what our most important wants are, and be willing to give up some or all of the other wants (if they are conflicting). People who insist on having it all have a difficult time making a commitment.  The problem with these commitment-phobic people is that they lose out on the benefits of commitment.  When a person commits to a college, career or health and exercise regime that person gets major benefits.  Commitment to schooling leads to more options and increase one’s chances of success.  Commitment to career increases the chance of getting promotions and being upwardly mobile.  Commitment to a health and exercise regime can lead to health benefits which can lead to freedom to do more activities one loves even later in life.  Those that commit to any of these things I mentioned have to give something up.  But what they give up pales in comparison to what they get in return.

Commitment in Relationships

Commitment in relationships is no different.  My family attended a wonderful wedding yesterday.  The bride and groom committed to (I’m paraphrasing here) loving each other through thick and thin.  That is one heck of a commitment!  They are wonderful people, both of them, but in a relationship there will always be tests that challenge how committed we really are to love through thick and thin.  It requires giving up our egocentrism and our self-centeredness.   That is difficult when we are hardwired to survive and take care of ourselves.  Sure, it is easy to treat our partners wonderful in the beginning.  However, to continue to love our partners as time goes on, through thick and thin, requires effort and a continual giving up doing what is immediately comfortable or what will immediately reduce our own tension.

Anyone who has read my articles probably has seen me write about the importance of developing emotional muscle.  Commitment to love through thick and thin is actually a commitment to developing one’s emotional muscle; to love when you want to run; to listen when you want to defend or shut off, to be accepting of your partner’s flaws where it would be easier to be judgmental.  Commitment to love is the real commitment.  Commitment to stay married is an empty commitment without the commitment to love.  Love takes work, love takes giving up one’s egocentrism as I said already.

However, the gifts of committing to love through thick and thin are enormous.  They include (and I am sure are not limited to):

• Getting more love and pleasure back from one’s partner
• Developing a depth and strong foundation that fills up each other’s soul
• Having a strong sense of purpose and meaning
• Healthier and happier children as well as children who can continue this commitment to love in their adult lives
• Increased physical health and wellbeing
• Higher self-esteem

Committing to any person or path takes courage.  We cannot know the future so we need to step into the unknown and embrace it, make the best choice we can at the time and not look back.  Whatever we commit to helps us grow and develop.  Anyone can enjoy fleeting moments of pleasure.  Happiness is earned by those who commit.