In this article, I’m talking about how to awaken a sleeping marriage.  Believe it or not…many of you may be in a relationship that is probably more asleep than awake and you just don’t realize it.  I’ll walk you through how to enliven your partner and your relationship.

Do you know that the most important job a mother and father does with their baby?  

It is to regulate their emotions.  

When a baby is distressed, the parent says or does something to soothe the child.  When the child is bored or un-stimulated, the parent does something to enliven the child.  

Guess what???- it is no different in your intimate relationship.  

Whether you like it or not, it is your job to regulate your partner’s emotions.   I am not saying that your partner does not need to regulate his or her own emotions as well but you are not just there to make money, take up space or work around the house.  In this article, I am not talking about the first case I listed regarding soothing. Instead, I will focus on enlivening your partner and the relationship.

Here are 5 Steps to Awaken a Sleeping Marriage

Step 1:    Take on that role of being the partner who will uplift your significant other.  

Decide to be that person. Odds are that you were that person early in your relationship and then just slipped out of that role and got stuck in other roles.  You anoint yourself once again (or maybe for the first time) as the lover, the romancer; the one who will put a smile on your partner’s face. Without taking on this persona, none of the following steps will be particularly impactful. You are the one who will sweep your partner off his or her feet.  I don’t care how long it has been since you have been in that role; you can be it now.

Step 2:  Ask your partner what he or she longs for in this relationship.  

Ask- “what can I do for you that if I did it, you would be absolutely elated?  If you already know some things you can do, this question still will be helpful because it shows you are thinking about it.  And there is always something that you may not know yet about your partner.

Step 3:  Related to #’s 1 and 2 above, decide to become very, very curious about your partner.  

What are parts of your partner that you have not paid attention to? What questions have you not asked?   And…be very, very curious about yourself as well! What aspects of you have not been present in the relationship?  For example, have you shown your emotional self or just been logical or cerebral? Have you been your playful self with your partner or just mainly task-centered?  What has been missing inside of you or your partner? Get curious about what activities, places, experiences, etc. have been absent in the relationship.

Step 4:  Shift any judgments or negative perceptions about your partner to more compassionate, understanding, loving perceptions.  

It actually is not that hard to do. Remember that even hurtful behaviors from your partner come from maladaptive ways of handling pain.  Don’t accept abuse, but at the same time, approach your partner as someone who needs love, as do you. We all do. Softening harsh perceptions shifts emotional states from frustrated to accepting, from stressed to more peaceful and from protective to more vulnerable.  It gets much easier to do the things you need to do and say the things you need to say to awaken the sleeping marriage when you practice softening your automatic perceptions. See your partner with fresh eyes; find the innocence even when there has been pain and disappointment.

Step 5:  Make out, dance, sing, be awkwardly playful, and take a chance with your partner.  

You are the one who can have a positive impact and awaken the relationship from a more dulled state to a more alive one.  Don’t wait for your partner. YOU start the new habits. Do it for you as well as for your partner. Take a chance sexually.  Stretch beyond your comfort zone even a little bit. Be curious about what your partner wants in the bedroom and stretch here as well to please.  Or if you need to stretch in the other direction, be willing to ask more for what YOU want sexually. As you tune in more to your partner with your curiosity and your softened perceptions, take bold action and demonstrate that this relationship is on a new trajectory; one of aliveness, passion and adventure.

Try one or all of these and see how they help awaken a sleeping marriage…I often see such relationship potential, usually untapped.  

Go for it. I am here to help f you get stuck. I wish you the best in experiencing a more awake relationship.