ABOVE: People gather for a candlelight vigil during a memorial service for the victims of the shooting at the Pulse gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, June 13, 2016. (Photo: Jim Young/Reuters)

The Importance of Obliterating Binary Thinking

The tragedy in Orlando has affected so many people across the globe.  Both of my daughters are currently out of the country- (one in China and one in Europe) and not only are they deeply affected but as they tell me-people in other countries are also perplexed and pained.  It hurts our heart and we don’t understand the senselessness of this violence.  I want to take a deeper look into what is behind this murderous behavior.

I do not know all that was going on inside the murderer’s psyche but I will comment on things I am pretty sure of.  People have been thinking in binary ways for a long time.  “Binary” is a math term but the most relevant definition I found was – ‘relating to, composed of, or involving two things.’  Thinking binary is a simpler process that takes uncertainty out of the aspects of life.  Black and white thinking can help us divide people into bad and good; for example – the old western movies where one guy wears the white hat (he is good) and the other wears the black hat (he is bad).  However, in real life – people are not all good or all bad.   

Living in the gray area is much more accurate though not as convenient.  Living in the gray area leads us to be more inquisitive about others and ourselves.

One area where I have seen a lot of movement from “black and white” to gray” has been in the areas of sexual preference and gender.  Gay marriage has been sanctioned, transgendered people are being more accepted and the conversations I have been having with many random people have demonstrated much more openness and a willingness to think and live in the gray.  In order for people to allow for variance and diversity, they need to adjust their mental constructs.  These “mental constructs” have to shift from binary to fluid.  For some people, their sexual preference is not so clear, or if it is clear, it is of the same sex.  For some people, their gender is not so clear.  I have seen countless examples of people who have begun living out their sexuality or gender truer to who they are.  Those of us in the field of human sexuality understand now that there are many variants of sexual preference and gender.  

There has been a clear evolution in our thinking, which potentially can allow everyone to live as they truly feel from the inside out.

However there is still thinking out there that though obsolete, still can dominate certain cultures, families and individuals.  These belief systems claim that there is a way people should be.  These beliefs are not based on any evolved thinking or scientific research.  It is based on ignorance, which in turn is based out of fear.  When an individual believes that he or she should be a certain way (i.e.- straight and not gay), and if that individual deep inside is struggling with it; in other words- it is not as clear as he wishes it would be), then this person can be hateful towards that part of him or herself that conflicts with what he “should” be or feel.  One way of coping with that part of that person is to try to get rid of it.  One way to try to get rid of it, is to try to get rid of the people who resonate with that part of him that he wants to get rid of.  In this way, he can preserve himself and metaphorically” get rid of that part of him.  In the case of the Orlando murderer, things point to the possibility that he was getting rid of these people and well as himself.  He could not accept his homosexual urges and needed to destroy anything that resonated with that aspect of him.

Even though as I said, there may be more to this story, what it points out to me, is that there is much more work to be done in our emotional evolution.  Racism, sexism, ageism, all the “isms” are due to the inability or unwillingness for people to deal with the natural ambiguity in life and in themselves.  

Extremism comes from black and white thinking and most of the major problems both in the world as well as in families are due to some form of extremism.

The Orlando incident was a tragedy of tremendous proportions.  However, I heard a former employee of the Pulse nightclub where the tragedy happened, say that this was a setback in the process of acceptance of sexual diversity.  I disagree.  I clearly see the process of embracing diversity moving in a positive direction.  We need to continue to be inquisitive, and challenge our outdated ideas and “isms’ and share our thinking with the world.  For me, this process was more challenging and gradual than for my young adult children.  (Yes, as much as I thought I was so enlightened, I have become aware of my unconscious biases and am thankful that I am evolving in this area). The fact that my children and their friends are more organically accepting is a good sign; it shows that most younger people already are more tolerant and free of the ignorance and fear that older generations have grown up with.

This was not a setback; this was an example that there are people stuck in binary, black and white thinking.  These are people that have learned to hate the parts of themselves that go outside the “should” they grew up with.  Then in turn, they hate the people that remind them of these “unaccepted” parts of themselves.

I share in the mourning of these innocent victims and their families.  

My heart aches for them.  In their honor, we need to keep opening up our hearts and minds to embrace diversity and encourage our loved ones and friends to do the same.  

Let’s keep the ripple effect going and make sure that love triumphs over fear.