There was a book written years ago titled “From Good To Great.” It was a book about companies that were doing ok but then made some changes to put themselves over the top in terms of profit as well as becoming a sought after place in which to work. I see the same concept applying to the couples I see every workday. I understand that most people call me when they are in a crisis; that is human nature. Most people are not running to see me when things are ok and relatively pleasant. People tend to go on with their busy lives without giving their “good enough” relationship some thought about how to make it great.
Here is my appeal to you. Since I am totally convinced that almost all of us have it within us to make our relationship great then why not learn what to do and then do it?!! Before writing the major keys of how to take your relationship from good to great, first I want you to do an exercise by yourself.
Close your eyes, take a few relaxing breaths and ask yourself what would make your current relationship absolutely great, fantastic, unbelievably phenomenal. (If you are not in a relationship right now, then modify this exercise to imagine a future relationship that would be this wonderful). Imagine it, see it, feel it, breathe it. Then open your eyes and write down what you just experienced in your imagination. Ask yourself if you are willing to embark in a process to make as much of that imaginative experience comes true. If you say “Yes” to that question then you are ready to reads the rest of this article. If you said “No,” ask yourself what stops you from saying Yes. Do your best to get to Yes. Don’t give a whole lot of energy to any cynical or skeptical thoughts that I am sure will be there. Most of us limit ourselves so much due to self-limiting thoughts and feelings. If you really are ready to take your relationship to the next level, I suggest you ask your partner to do the exercise as well. Then sit down and listen to each other’s Relationship Vision.
(Note to reader here-If either of you have a difficult time coming up with a Relationship Vision, please come see me so that I can help you overcome obstacles to that vision. This piece alone usually can be done in just a few therapy/coaching sessions.)
Once you have each other’s relationship vision, the vision that when actualized would now allow you to enjoy a great relationship, it is time to get to work.
Here are 3 keys steps to fulfill this wonderful journey.
1) Practice often feeling what it feels like to feel that good in your relationship. Walk around with that feeling in your belly and heart as much as possible even BEFORE things change significantly between you. This is a very important piece because we actually unconsciously stay in emotional ruts with our partner as if the status quo is like a magnetic hole into which it sucks us. It takes some conscious imagining to get used to a different feeling. Sometimes I have couples remember how they felt when they were enthralled with their partner or when they could not wait to see their partner during courtship. I ask them to remember those feelings and re-evoke them inside of themselves through these memories. As the feelings change, you may begin talking and acting in ways that already begin creating that great relationship.
2) Related to the last sentence of # 1, make yourself responsible for making this relationship from good to great. What skills do you need to develop in yourself? Do you need to listen better? Do you need to practice being more comfortable with your body so that you don’t hold back sexually? Even if you see problems with your partner, focus on what YOU need to do. Let’s see the affect your changes have on your partner. Look at your relationship as a gymnasium to develop your emotional muscle. Embrace the challenge and don’t think about the outcome. Let the outcomes flow naturally out of the changes you are making.
3) Find out your partner’s love language. Ask your partner what would make him or her feel loved. I mean REALLY LOVED. Probably what would make your partner feel REALLY LOVED is different than what would make you feel really loved. Understand and accept that you both are different. Make it your project to have your partner feel immensely loved by you. You do not need to feel “in the mood” to speak his or her love language. One of the greatest relationship myths is that to have a great relationship, we should just do what comes natural and easy for us without even thinking about it. That is some major BS right there! Falling in love is easy; it takes no effort to “fall.” But to make a relationship go from good to great and to “fall back in love over and over” takes going out of your way. It takes working on skills you are not very good at. And it takes speaking to your partner in a love language that is most different than yours.
Within you are the power, courage, and creativity and love to make your relationship great. I am here to help you do that if you want that (and who wouldn’t) I mean- how good can you stand it???? Your intimate relationship can be a source of ever-increasing love and pleasure if you get your fears and obsolete self-limiting ideas out of your way. You do not need to be in crisis to improve your relationship. I say GO FOR IT!!! And enjoy the gift that can be yours- the gift of an intimate committed sexy, loving passionate relationship.
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