When individuals or couples come in to see me, they are dissatisfied with something in their lives.   Part of my job is to help them see how they got to where they are and usually they need to break some habit that is blocking their happiness or start a new one that will bring more happiness.   However, of those two processes, I am significantly more biased towards focusing on starting a new good habit as opposed to working hard to get rid of the old one.

Example: A couple comes in and the presenting the problem of “failure to communicate.”  Both complain about how the other interrupts.  The husband eventually raises his voice; the wife withdraws and avoids him for at least 24 hours.  These behaviors are habits that are designed to protect oneself in some way.

In this example, each person could be interrupting the other to protect themselves from feeling inadequate, ashamed or judged.  The husband gets angry as a way to manipulate his partner to be nicer to him (of course this doesn’t work- it actually does the opposite), but this too is a protection against some negative experience such as feeling unloved.  She withdraws to protect herself from his anger.  Maybe she had an abusive father so there is a “little girl part” inside of herself that feels in danger on some level- she is protecting herself for survival.

This is the core of all relationship problems and bad habits- each person is trying to protect him or herself from something whether it is an unpleasant feeling from inside or an imagined “catastrophe” from the outside.  (Imagined catastrophes include, but are not limited to: Getting physically hurt, but more commonly- being abandoned, rejected or humiliated in some way).

The partners complain in that first session like they have complained for years or decades in their relationship and of course it does not get them anywhere.  In order for the complaining to stop, change HAS to happen. Change does not come easily for two reasons:  1) We all are resistant to change even if ‘not changing’ keeps us miserable and  2) We already have perceptions of ourselves and our partners that are somewhat locked in which adds to our resistance to change.

I have found that the best way to truly have changes is to help couples, as well as individuals, practice new habits in and out of the session.  The couple I mentioned needs to practice doing a behavior that feels a little “dangerous” to them.  If one partner is expressing a negative feeling towards the other, the listening partner resists the impulse to protect and defend and instead, stays open to the expressing partner.  Each partner practices shifting to a receptive state of mind, which involves taking a few breaths and shifting their goals, from the unconscious goal of self protection to the conscious goal of staying open and accepting of the partner.

Staying with this example, each person encourages the new good habits of each other and does not make a big deal of any repeating of the old bad habit.  They each work to help each other get back on the courageous and more mature new habits.  They understand that old habits don’t just die but will be gradually replaced by increasing the frequency of the new, constructive habit.  I applaud the new developing behaviors and quickly block the old patterns to make room for more of the new.

My strong advice to all who read this is to believe in change. Be adventurous, dream and don’t limit yourself or your relationship no matter how long the same old problems are going on.  Dare to act differently, think differently and speak differently.  You are tremendously creative and are experimenters whether you know that already or not.  So, experiment and be open to a new future where your life or relationships looks and feels a lot better in the future. 

It does not have to feel familiar to be good. Often the opposite is true.  Change involves awkward moments because whenever you are practicing new things, you are not very good at it at first.  Allow for the process to unfold and do not let the old habits or doubts get in the way of your creation.

Do you have any examples of changing habits or suggestions on how to make positive changes? Please comment below or tweet me @toddcreager. Thanks for reading!