The most often asked question I get when working with couples healing from infidelity is “when will my betrayed spouse get over being angry?”

In this article I address this question and give answers based on my 35+ years of experience working to help couples heal from infidelity in my practice.  Read on for my response…

All of our emotions are there to help and protect us in some way.

Anger lets us know that something important to us, something we value has been threatened.  The anger is our way of wanting to change things, fight for something we value and yes- punish the “enemy” who has stolen something from us.  This is totally natural and just like the environment, when we cooperate and work with nature, that is when we get the best results for all involved.  

Many partners who betray, try working against this nature or try to force the process by rushing the betrayed partner to get over their anger and pain before the natural process of healing can be experienced.

Getting over the anger is a long emotional process and not an event.  

One reason is that we have complex brains made up of different structures that work together. 

For example, while we have a cortex that is highly evolved and can give us understanding and insight, we have a limbic brain which is older and that is where we experience some of the raw emotion when our emotional security and/or significant relationships seem threatened.  

There are other complexities of our brain such as our left and right hemispheres.  I do not want to go into more detail here and I also do not want to oversimplify. 

My point is that when a partner expects a smooth “logical” process, that actually goes against our nature based on how are brains are wired and how important our attachment to our significant other is.

There are several variables in this post discovery process that will have a bearing on how long it takes for the betrayed person to get over being angry.

How long it takes the betrayed spouse to get over being angry  lasts depends much on the following:

1) During the first stage which we can call the Discovery Phase, is the revealing done fully or dripped out? 

A full and quick revealing after discovery will shorten the time of anger.  The drip method, which is quite common in an attempt to lessen the anger of the betrayed and try to manage the situation actually lengthens the process and you can expect a longer period of anger. 

The drip method actually continues to re-injure the betrayed and may put the betrayed person at “square 1” with each dripped out confession.

2) In the second stage, which we can call the reaction phase ,the variable is how well does the betrayed partner listen without judgment or does he or she push the betrayed to “get over it already.” 

The better the listening, the quicker will the betrayed partner work through his or her anger.  For this healthy communication to happen, the person who betrayed needs to develop the emotional muscle and strength to stay present to the betrayed person no matter how angry he or she is. 

This is difficult because the betrayed person also has a limbic brain that goes into feeling threatened when the partner is angry even if the partner has every good reason to feel that anger.  When the betraying partner goes with his or her survival feelings, he or she may put pressure on the betrayed partner to “not” experience what he or she is experiencing. 

This never works and can lengthen the time it takes to heal significantly.

3) Is there any continued contact with the extramarital partner?  If there is continued contact, this will keep the betrayed partner in a continued threatened state. 

As long as this high level of threat is present, there will be a need to stay angry as a protective mechanism.  If the contact is intentional and requires effort on the part of the betrayer to keep contact, that is the worst scenario of course and it will greatly increase the anger and length of time the betrayed person will get over it. 

However, even if the contact seems unavoidable, such as a neighbor across the street or a coworker, that too will increase the length of time it takes to get over anger. 

Ideally in this last situation, if there is a way to change that situation it is better as the betrayed person feels less threatened and it also shows your commitment to doing whatever it takes to heal the relationship.

4) Is this the first time or has it happened before? 

If it has happened before, there is even more reason for the betrayed person to feel threatened which leads to more reason to be angry as well as to hold on to it (for protection). 

Related to that, has this person been cheated on by other people in the past? 

This recurring emotional injury can increase the time of anger as well as the intensity of it as hopelessness and disillusionment can enter the emotional picture.

5) Has the betrayed partner had early childhood wounding such as abuse or neglect, forms of Complex Trauma? 

Has this person been betrayed repeatedly by caretakers in his or her childhood?  If that is the case, this current betrayal can evoke deep wounds and can lengthen the intensity of the anger as well as the time of healing. 

However, if that person works with a good therapist who does an effective trauma treatment such as EMDR, it can accelerate the healing from the PTSD portion of the pain. 

Personally, I have used EMDR very successfully with people who were betrayed and had Complex PTSD.  I have also used it very successfully with people as I described in # 4 above. 

As one can see, the answer to the question posed in this article’s title depends on numerous factors. 

This process of healing has many aspects to it and in many ways, the partners need to allow this process to happen through time. 

Each partner does have some control in the process. 

The person who betrayed can cleanly reveal the secrets and do it all at once as opposed to dripping it out little by little. 

This person can also learn (probably with the help of someone as myself) how to develop the emotional strength and maturity to become an effective listener and stay present for the angry, suffering betrayed partner. 

Lastly, this person can terminate any connection with the extramarital person. 

The person who was betrayed could reach out and get some EMDR therapy to help process the trauma of the current betrayal as well as previous betrayals and wounds.

After the Discovery Phase and Reactive Phase comes the Momentum Phase and Recommitment Stage. 

In the Discovery Stage, there could be some anger of course; however, there may be more shock and even renewed sexual activity between the partners. 

That lasts 2-6 weeks typically. 

The Reactive Phase is where the anger is typically at its peak. 

The time of this phase varies from couple to couple and person to person and also depends on much of what I have written in this blog. 

You can expect this phase to last 6 months or longer depending upon these variables as well as other unmentioned situational variables such as other family stresses, health issues, etc. 

Even though this is an inexact number, you could expect the anger to be intense for about 6 months if you do things right and if you get a good therapist/marriage counselor to assist. 

Of course, anger can be there in the later phases which I will discuss in future blogs; however, the anger gets more diluted and becomes less a part of your overall relationship and conversations.

If you or someone you know has experienced infidelity and is trying to work through it, I hope you apply some of these ideas or share this article with whoever is going through this. 

I am here to help virtually during this time, and I wish you well!