We may not like rules and laws but we need to follow some rules in order to do well in life. Take the Law of Gravity for example- I would strongly suggest that you do not try to defy that law. There are also universal “laws” or rules in a marriage that must be followed IF we want a happy one.
After 31 years of practice, I feel qualified to tell you my top 10 rules every marriage should live by.
- Make it your job to uplift the energy of your partner consistently. That may require different activities and statements depending upon the context of your current situation. For example, if he is down in spirit, you may let him know that you are here to support him and listen to him. If you are both just having a quiet day, you may want to initiate some sexual experience.
- Spend time knowing what you are feeling. A person who is out of touch with his feelings basically is letting his feelings run the show and that is not always a good thing. The more you know what you are experiencing in your body, the more you can handle those feelings maturely.
- Practice perceiving the best possible perception of your partner. We are basically walking, talking self-fulfilling prophecies. If you base your perceptions on your partner’s poor track record, that poor track record will continue. However, as counter-intuitive as this may sound, if you forget history and practice perceiving your partner as if he had a positive track record in a particular area of life, you could find out that his potential is much higher than his history seemed to indicate. For example, if you perceive your non-listening partner as a listener, you just may communicate to him in such a way that you become very inviting to be heard. Then voila!!-Your non-listening spouse becomes transformed into an interested, listening lover.
- Change things up from time to time. Yes, put some thought and effort into keeping it fresh and new. Try a new behavior, do a new joint activity, try something different sexually.
- Spend a minimum of 10 minutes a day sharing feelings, that’s right feelings! This activity raises the woman’s oxytocin level that makes her feel good and that could only be good news for the man as well. If you are one of those people that have a hard time locating and expressing your feelings, find someone (such as myself) who can train you to do this skill better.
- Hand in hand with # 5, decide to be a curious person; mainly be curious about the inner world of your partner and yourself. And that means that when she is talking, you drop your agenda; it is only about her for now and her turn to talk ends after she FEELS HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD and not a second before!
- Have sex consistently and don’t wait to be “in the mood.” Sometimes you are not in the mood until AFTER you get involved in the sexual experience.
- Accept your sexual differences! Remember that sex does not mean just sexual intercourse. Be open to each person’s preference. Yes- men and women truly ARE different. The expression- Men are like microwaves, women are like crockpots, usually holds true. If you want her to want you, you better do what it takes to warm her up. If you don’t know (and there is a good chance that you don’t and that is ok), then ask her. And women- realize that he is a microwave and that instead of judging him, make room for yourself and your preferences as well as his!
- Learn from each other. Typically, the thing that drives you crazy (in a not so good way) about your partner is the very thing you need to develop more in yourself. What can you learn from your partner? Also, you have blind spots and your partner may be the best person to point those blind spots out to you. For example, you may come from a family that did not express feelings and that may seem normal to you. If your partner has a complaint about that, take it seriously; learn from him or her that you have a weak spot in there (as we all do). Use your partner to begin to have sight in places where you were blind before. In this example, you just may want to find your feelings in your body and practice expressing them.
- Look for things to appreciate about your partner and show that appreciation with words or gestures. This practices counters the tendency to take each other for granted. Feeling appreciated can be a great aphrodisiac in a marriage.
If you practice these 10 rules, it will be difficult for your marriage to be anything but phenomenal.
These rules keep us alert, alive and passionate. Marriage is not an arena to be lazy.
Follow these rules and that will lead to the freedom you experience when you are in a loving, pleasurable successful intimate relationship.
Here’s to getting the love you want!
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