Todd’s Thursday Thought for Relationship Bliss: Play Catch Part 1

Do you want to stop letting emotional pain come between you and your partner? 

Do you want to turn a cold relationship into a hot one?

Then learn to play catch! 

Do you remember the last time you played catch with someone?  If you threw the ball and the other person caught it, you had a satisfied feeling.  Imagine if the other person just watched the ball hit the ground after you threw it to him.  It would feel very unsatisfying.

Playing catch is the same thing as when you express a wish or feeling to your partner:  

1. If your partner gets defensive or ignores you or gets reactive in some other way, it the same thing as having them drop the ball on the ground. You end up feeling unsatisfied.

2. If your partner takes in what you are saying and listens well, it the same thing as having them catching the ball you throw to them. You feel satisfied and happy with your partner.

3. If you throw a ball as hard as you can, the person probably won’t catch it; they will just put their arms up to protect themself.  If you yell or scream to express yourself, you make it impossible your partner to listen to you.  Both partners end up feeling unsatisfied.

Instead you need to throw the ball (express yourself) so they can easily catch it (receive you and listen)

Relationships never break up because of emotional pain.  Relationships break up because partners feel disconnected.   The reason partners feel disconnected is because when emotional pain is experienced (which is inevitable in long term relationships), both partners do either fight or flight reactions.   This behavior results in defensiveness, point/counterpoint, mutual blaming, withdrawing, bickering and/or yelling.   If a person feels pain and lets the other person know and is met with one of these reactions, they not only feel the original pain but now on top of that they feel insignificant, dismissed and frustrated.  If this continues to happen, the feeling of disconnection worsens and that can lead to a breakup.

If you are a partner in an intimate relationship, you need to think differently about pain, especially when your partner is angry or disappointed with you.  Of course your partner will get frustrated with you sometimes.  Accept that and don’t fight it.  Instead, learn how to play catch with your partner; learn how to receive your partner’s pain.  The secret to being a good catcher is to shift to a receptive state of mind.  Give up trying to change your partner’s mind; give up trying to prove you’re right.  Relax and take in WHATEVER your partner is expressing to you.  Your turn will come!

 

Here’s to getting the love you want!

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