It’s not your sex organs. Your next guess might be your brain.
Nope, that’s not where I am going in this article.
Before I tell you my answer based on my research as both a clinician and a professional, I want to talk about the word ‘attention.’
‘Attention’ is one of my favorite words as I think it is the closest synonym to the word ‘love.’ Whatever I attend to, I love. If I attend to my body and go to the gym regularly and eat well, I love my body. If I have a dog and attend to the dog’s needs, I love my dog. I love my work and demonstrate that by attending to it. So, if I want to love my wife, I need to give her attention. What is the best way to give her attention?
Good eye contact. Loving eye contact. If I use my eyes to express love, she will feel it. Infants feel it. That is the first way they really attach to their mothers; with their eyes. Skin contact is important too, but research shows that it is eye gazing between mother and infant that begins to build a healthy brain in the infant. It also does something wonderful to the mother as well.
Couples need far more eye contact than they usually give to each other.
I gave a talk to a group of sex therapists and one of them raised her hand and said that every evening, she and her husband spend 5 minutes silently gazing into each other’s eyes. Every night! I understand that for most of us, that seems like way too much. However, what if you spend 1 minute a night slowing down, looking lovingly into your partner’s eyes? Of course, I would suggest that after that one minute, you still give loving eye contact frequently and intermittently.
This works for speakers as well. Good speakers have learned that connecting with your audience is far more important than giving a perfect speech. And the easiest way to connect with your audience is to look at the individuals in the audience. Really look at them in the eyes as you speak. Your words will be far more powerful.
Back to intimate couples, eye gazing is a powerful way to create positive intensity.
There is not enough intensity in the average long-term couple. So use your eyes. It works for infants, it works for speakers and it most certainly works for committed intimate couples. Fear of being seen, fear of being judged, a lack of feeling close to family members growing up- all these things get in the way of using your eyes to create loving, positive intensity. Your eyes are the key to an instant feeling of romance. It lifts the relationship from a neutral, functional state to a state of being lovers.
So, break through any resistance and gaze into those beautiful blue/brown/green eyes of that wonderful creature you call your partner.
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