1)   Become aware of the toxicity.

To help you asses your relationship, check out my previous blog article.

2)   Write down what you get out of the relationship.  

Is it financial security, intermittent compliments, sex, close relationships with his or her family members and friends?  There are almost always pros to staying in a toxic relationship.  That is what makes leaving so difficult.

3)   Ask yourself how you would like your relationship to really be.  

Find positive role models of relationships you know or even healthy relationships through media such as books, movies, etc.  Create a clear vision of what you would want from a partner.  Get deep into the imagery, the positive emotions and the pleasant sensations AS IF IT WERE HAPPENING NOW.  This is very important because often people in toxic relationships were surrounded by toxic relationships from a young age.  Their psyches and even their neurobiology adapted to these kinds of painful relationships and it starts to feel ‘normal.’  By consistently focusing on your positive relationship vision, you give your psyche and, yes, even your brain, a chance to change and rewire.  You want the positive, nurturing relationships to feel more and more normal and the toxic ones to feel like they don’t fit for you anymore.

4)   Create an exit plan.  

Be willing to lose the good of what you have (see # 2 above) to get something far better that enhances and does not diminish your sense of self-worth.  Make a detailed, reasonable plan and feel empowered by your plan.

5)   As you practice # 3 and the # 4 above- from a position of strength, set boundaries with your partner, friend, etc who is toxic.  

Put out an ultimatum- change or I am going to end this relationship.  Insist on an inner change from the partner who probably needs a good, skilled therapist to assist him or her in becoming more grown up, thoughtful and less self-centered.  Keep your boundaries firm.

6)   If this other person starts making some positive changes, show appreciation and give positive feedback.  

Keep the incentives coming.  If the partner refuses, follow your word and exit the relationship.

7)   Do the grieving and celebrate your self-worth if you need to leave.  

If you stay, celebrate your self worth there as well and enjoy the healthier relationship that would never have reached that point if you had not set those boundaries.

I am here to help whether you are the victim of the toxicity, you are the one who is toxic or if you both are toxic to each other.  Do not settle for less.  Relationships can be a source of good feelings, love and aliveness.