In Part 1 of Naughty and Nice, http://toddcreager.com/naughty-nice/, I write how the problem with most couples is that each partner is unconsciously cut off from a part of him or herself. I have had many couples come to see me whose passion was cut off. Many of these couples were kind, loving and polite with each other. Or one partner was impulsive and egocentric and the other person was selfless and easily pushed her needs aside.
Here In Part 2, I want to give you an example of a process that happens so that a couple can reclaim their eroticism and have both loving, sweet moments and “hot sex.”
Hot sex does not mean that you are necessarily having multiple orgasmic sex (though it might) or that you are having sex in positions that would qualify you as a contortionist (though good luck to you if you can).
Hot sex is about celebrating your sexual and sensual experiences today; it is about being fully absorbed with each other.
I was working with a couple with the following scenario: The husband had an affair with his wife’s best friend, which of course was very painful. He said that one of the things that made this other woman more attractive was that she was more sexually aggressive. His wife came from a family where her mother and maternal grandmother were very sexually conservative and taught my client to be proper and restrained. She obeyed their directives and became cut off from her raw sexual self. She had sex but it was more to please her husband than to please herself.
Meanwhile, he came from a family where he was emotionally isolated and cut off from his feelings like the rest of his family. The only way he could feel alive was when he experienced high sexual arousal and orgasm. He was not very good at foreplay because being good at foreplay at least in part means that you can take your time and enjoy every little sensual experience. He went rather quickly to the orgasm which actually continued his wife’s perception that sex was for him and not her.
In order to work on the marriage together:
- The Husband had to decide to be faithful and work on the marriage, which he eventually did.
- The wife had to be willing to give him another chance.
Once those two things took place, we were ready to create a partnership where there was room for BOTH to be naughty and nice. As far as the wife, she needed to recognize her automatic fear responses when it came to her own sexuality. She became aware of her automatic muscle contractions in her body when pushed a little past her sexual limits. I suggested that she begins dancing sensually in front of a full length mirror with gyrating hips and provocative, sexual facial expressions. If she had trouble with that, she needed to watch videos of other women expressing their sexuality in this way. She agreed and did follow through and found that little by little, her self-concept broadened to being a sexual person. Next she was to dance like that in front of her husband.
Meanwhile, her husband had to work on being “nice;” in other words, thoughtful, caring and sensitive to his wife’s stretching. He needed to be patient and giving. He needed to give up his limited perceptions of his wife and be an encourager and even a cheerleader if necessary (even if he did not feel like doing that). Once I saw him putting in more effort, I asked his wife to act “naughty” in front of her husband. That is when she started to dance, tease and seduce him. She was not very comfortable but as she continued with her husband’s sensitivity and encouragement, she really started to take on these roles.
She did not stop being nice; She just added “being naughty” to her psychological menu. He did not stop being “pleasure-centered.” He just added being nicer to his psychological menu. Here now were two people more complete than before.