Secrets are problematic in relationships for these reasons:

1)     You unconsciously begin distancing yourself from your partner when you keep something form him or her.

2)     You have a higher chance of acting out in ways such as cheating, keeping more secrets (slippery slope phenomena) and even being cruel to your partner (see # 3 below).

3)     You have more inner shame even if you try to justify it and this shame can make you tougher on yourself and your partner.

I am not just talking about infidelity here.  This can be about anything.

Some of the secrets I have heard in my practice that partners keep include:

1)     I made less money but I don’t want to upset my partner and let her know that.

2)     I have spent more money but don’t want my partner to know that.

3)     I am not attracted to my partner because he/she has gained more weight.

4)     Part of me wants to leave the marriage but I don’t want to upset her/him.

5)     My high school boyfriend just requested that we be friends on Facebook.

All these secrets can begin a downward spiral in relationships.

Don’t protect your partner or yourself from the truth unless there is some real and temporary bad timing issue.  When truth is told, what I usually see is that couples ultimately get closer, there is relief and there is more acceptance and less shame.  Even if there is a temporary heated exchange or period of time, these truth telling episodes often end up leaving both people better off.

If you have a secret, think about risking sharing it with your partner.  There are real benefits to courageously being transparent and honest.