Orgasms are wonderful to experience and I will be writing about ways to maximize the chances of having one (or multiple). But first- let’s be clear. Putting too much emphasis on the end result of most things takes away the pleasure of the process. This is exponentially true when it comes to enjoying our sexual selves. And the truth is for some people; they cannot experience orgasm no matter what they do. So, if you are one of those people, don’t drive yourself crazy and you can totally enjoy your sex life without orgasms. The paradox is that if you really take on this mindset, you just might have one (or you might not).
Having said that, many women do have orgasmic potential and there are things they can do to enjoy that part of their sexual experience. Here are 10 ideas on how to increase your orgasmic potential:
1) Make sure you are asking for what YOU want sexually. Be generous and do your best to meet your partner’s needs and at the same time remember your needs are as important as his.
2) Know your body. Learn about what your vulva looks like. I find that when I am teaching my Human Sexuality class to my graduate students, there is a lot they do not know about their own body parts (both men and women). Learn about what your clitoris looks like by using a mirror. Learn about the g-spot and experiment with your partner about how he or she can locate and stimulate that area.
3) Strengthening the pelvic floor muscle via Kegel exercises can help increase the strength of sensation due to strengthening of nerves and improvement of blood flow to the genitals.
4) Learn a number of relaxation techniques that work to help you let go of tension. Deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation exercise can be very helpful.
5) You may want to practice masturbating to get to know your body more. Touch your body in the vulva area more and notice the sensations. You can give yourself permission to fantasize while using different ways of stroking your clitoris and labia while staying relaxed.
6) Once you know your own body more, you can communicate your understanding to your partner. You may even direct him by placing your hand over his and showing him how you want to be touched there.
7) Some women have found that some medications or medical devices can help. Viagra has helped some women (a relatively small percentage). Topical applications such as Zestra are rubbed into the labia and clitoris to increase blood flow. The Eros Clitoral Therapy Device is an FDA-approved small vacuum pump that is applied over the clitoris for several minutes a day to provide blood flow and nerve repair.
8) Sometimes this is difficult to go through alone. You may want to see a qualified professional in this area such as myself to help you (and your partner) set up a physical and emotional environment that will help you reach your orgasmic potential.
9) Sex toys can be of tremendous assistance. Vibrators in particular can help you experience orgasm with or without your partner present. If the vibrator threatens your partner, a sex therapist can help your partner as well as you learn how to utilize the vibrator and other sex toys to the betterment of your sexual relationship.
10) If you have had sexual trauma, it could be helpful to get that treated first by someone who has expertise with trauma. For example, I have successfully used the trauma treatment of EMDR to help sexual survivors move past the past trauma and reclaim a healthy sexuality.
If you know of others that are having trouble with this problem, please share this article with them. All of us have a right to enjoy our unique sexual selves and I am here to facilitate that process if needed.