I love writing about this stuff!
I just celebrated with my wife our 33rd wedding anniversary this past Saturday and I enjoy the creative process of keeping things alive and fresh in my own marriage.
Yes, passionate marriages are created; created by paying attention to each other, courageously communicating and doing new things and also keeping yourself interesting.
The only way to keep yourself interesting is to lean beyond your edge.
Your edge (as David Deida says in his book- The Way of the Superior Man) is the line where you go from being comfortable to slightly uncomfortable. It is that line that once you cross it, you are in somewhat new territory. You are growing and you are developing. You don’t hang out in your comfort zone much of the time; instead you expand your comfort zone as you take chances.
How do you take chances?
Do something new that makes you interesting and alive. And at the same time be interested in your partner and his or her well-being.
In my book. “The Long Hot Marriage,” I talk about three very important aspects of creating a passionate long-term relationship.
1) You need to see the best in your partner and learn how to bring out the best in him or her.
2) You need to learn how to deal with emotional pain in such a way that your pain connects you both rather than disconnects you both. (Pain never breaks up relationships; only disconnecting breaks up relationships)
3) You need to risk and live on your edge as I wrote in the first paragraph. Part of living on that edge is to be an uplifting person in your partner’s life. As a matter of fact, it is your job to uplift the energy of your partner. (Of course, it is the job of your partner to lift his or her own energy as well, but let’s face it- you are an interpersonal center of influence and you might as well use it for love, pleasure and all things good!)
Many couples fall asleep at the wheel.
They get into ruts sometime after they are committed. It is time to wake up, appreciate the best in each other, develop the emotional muscle to deal with emotional pain maturely and lovingly and lastly- to create an interpersonal adventure both in and out of the bedroom with your intimate partner. It is hard to do this on your own. In order to evolve, we need often a therapist who can not only help you see the blocks and limiting fears and patterns but also a coach who can challenge you to reach your relationship potential. I can do both and do it every workday.
Be alive with yourself and your partner. Don’t settle.
Do everything you can to increase your capacity to give and receive love and pleasure.
It is time to have a passionate marriage and for most of you whether you believe it or not at the present moment, it is possible!
Please leave me a comment or your questions and I’ll get back to you…