As you may have noticed, the theme this month has been dysfunctional families. At this time of year, many family issues can reemerge or at least you can be more affected than at other times. If you recall a past blog, I define a dysfunctional family as one on which you are not free to be your spontaneous true self. When clients come in to see me or Skype with me, they may have lost touch with their “true self.” Our job (the client and I together) is to help him or her discover and live from this place. So, how do YOU cope with a dysfunctional family?
If you look at this situation on the surface, it is sad, negative and disappointing. However, I encourage you to look at your dysfunctional family in a deeper, more symbolic way. There is no reason to believe that life is supposed to be easy or without risk or challenges. I actually believe that life beckons us to be courageous, bold and adventurous. You actually have an opportunity to be your true and best self. Your dysfunctional family can be seen as a ball and chain to your emotional and psychological well being. The good news is you have the key to unlock yourself from it.
So how do you cope with a dysfunctional family? You use them and the pain they have evoked in you to discover who you are, what you want and feel, and your courage to become more visible. That can be scary stuff if you have lived your life constantly in reaction to other people. Some of you may have learned to react by fighting and bickering and some of you may have reacted by becoming more and more silent and invisible. However there is a third and better way.
Gently ask yourself those questions above-
- Who am I?
- What do I want?
- What do I feel?
Then find your courage to let others know. If any of those “others” are part of the dysfunctional cast of characters in your life, do not expect a great reaction. Your expression is for you to experience differentiating from the dysfunctional mass you have been a part of. This is your “coming out party.” Start with small steps and begin developing the muscle to be all that you truly are. Learn what it feels like to stand out a little more and do it with a sense that you are in your corner. It helps to have a few others already there supporting you and being in your corner as well as you begin to differentiate from the dysfunction.
Then there is the question about timing? Should I have my “coming out party” now or after the holidays are over? Do I even see my family? The answers to these questions are up to you. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself. It is not easy to deal with dysfunction, and your emotional reaction is valid and meaningful. Remember that your main job in life is to be you, the real you. It is not to manage other people’s emotions, to please others, etc. Others are responsible for their own emotions and challenges. Of course be loving and helpful and all those wonderful things and at the same time, it is not necessary to lose yourself or neglect yourself.Practice being a “force to be reckoned with.” Let others adapt to you. Don’t do all the adapting. It is time for you to be more of who you are. If you are in a family where you already feel comfortable in your own skin, then that is great. If you do not feel that way with your family, then little by little and step by step, practice being you. Utilize your courage; it is there. The best gift you can give yourself is to take back who you are from the dysfunctional family members who needed you to be something other than your glorious self. I wish you the best during this holiday season!
Reader Interactions