Intimate partners often have unspoken rules of what can be expressed and what cannot be expressed. As author of the book, The Long Hot Marriage, I am passionate about helping long-term couples have alive and passionate relationships. One way to do that is to use the committed relationship to explore your “less conventional” sides of yourself, particularly your unconventional sexual desires.
I am so thankful that this society is showing signs of opening up sexually and not being so quick to judge the sexual diversity among people. However, it is also healthy to embrace the sexual diversity within yourself! That means different things to different people and different couples and I want to be clear that I am 100% against secrets between intimate partners. I also think that for most of us (including my relationship), that actually acting out fantasies and sexual wishes with people outside the relationship does not work and would be destructive to the committed relationship. However, if you could explore each other’s sexuality including those more diverse and different sexual longings, fantasies and desires, you have the makings of a passionate relationship. I would say that it is even a more loving approach to marriage since you both have the opportunity to “love” or accept and embrace the different parts of your sexual self.
Along with my book I mentioned above, another good book on this topic is “Getting the Sex You Want,” written by Tammy Nelson. Celebrate your more “kinky” “subpersonalities” and handle them openly, maturely and sensitively. Please feel free to let me know of your questions as well as your feedback.