I am writing this article from the woman’s perspective but many of these ideas could apply to either gender so whether you are a man or a woman, this is an important article to read.

You finally meet the man of your dreams and he has a lot of great qualities that are on your “list.”

He looks decent enough, but more importantly, he enjoys you, is fun-loving and successful in his career.  He has good friends and is on pretty good terms with his mother.   What’s more is you like the way he can just let loose with others and be goofy and playful.  He is always upbeat and positive.  You are more serious, even though you can be fun too.  He has lots of friends; you have a few good ones.

You feel excited to be around him and admire his confidence.

Fast forward one year… Even though you definitely like your partner, some things are starting to really bug you.  

He seems to spend too much of his leisure time around friends, and a date for him usually involves other couples.  You begin wondering if he is bored with being with you alone.  When you try talking to him about your feelings, he just says that life is great and you should not worry about such petty things.  That statement leaves you feeling more annoyed and lonely than before.

Here is a common scenario:  What originally attracted you to this man is now becoming a problem.  

Whereas before, his extroversion, social confidence and positive attitude were magnetic, those same qualities are becoming repelling.  Here is where you say to yourself and him, “Why can’t you be more like me?”

Can you relate on some level?

It may seem like a cruel trick but I do hear stories like this all the time and there may be another way to look at it.  Relationship authors such as Harville Hendrix and myself have been saying for a long time that one of the things that attracts us to  the partner we commit to is that that partner manifests qualities that are only latent (hidden) in ourselves.

The woman I described above is a composite of many women I have seen in my practice.  She is reliable, relatively introverted and leans towards acting more conservatively. She is in touch with her feelings, including her more painful ones.  Maybe she worries a little more and tries to be prepared for problems.   The part of her that is wilder, more socially confident and upbeat is far less apparent.

The composite man I described is expressing the very qualities that she does not.  This can create that instant, mysterious attraction.  It is as if his self expression and behavior gives her a chance to live that more suppressed part of her psyche vicariously through him.  She is not paying attention to or is negatively affected by the negative sides of those qualities; at least not at the beginning.

However, as time goes on, she realizes that there are things missing in this relationship equation. Of course, the same thing was going on with him. He was attracted to your reliability and you being so grounded.  He felt safe with you and enjoyed how you enjoyed his playfulness and wildness.

Meanwhile, you miss feeling significant and would like nothing more to have a quiet time at home with your intimate partner or have a private romantic date.  He probably would want nothing more for you to be more fun and just a little crazier and not so melancholy.

The secret here is for both of you to honor and appreciate each other’s strength and at the same time have both of you be willing to work on the parts of you that the other manifests more easily.  

The relationship becomes an opportunity for you to stretch and become more playful and more positive.  It becomes an opportunity for him to tune into his more difficult feelings and not always flight into busyness and “blind optimism.”

I can assure you- you will never be as good at expressing his strengths as he is and he will never be as good as expressing your strengths as you are.  The good news here- if you both move even a small percentage in each other’s direction, it is not only good for your development but it will take the relationship to a whole new level.

Use your partner as a way to learn about the parts of you that you need to develop in yourself.  

This creates more fluidity in your relationship and in turn lubricates his change process.  You both will still be different but you will be able to utilize and appreciate those differences more.

Instead of being more like each other, you both can create a rich relationship where each of you can continue to become more of who each of you are in your own right.

Viva la difference!